32 quotes
Identity and Confusion in Justice Department Encounter
Kuttner
My name is Judith Kuttner. I work for the Department of Justice.
March
Okay. Well, that explains basically nothing.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unmasking the True Nature of Kindness
Taglines
They're not that nice
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Realities of a Harsh World
Holland March
That's what my daughter's got to deal with, the Chets of the world, and that fucking kid.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Sisterly Conflicts and Unexpected Situations
Holland March
You're supposed to be at Jessica's.
[''to Holly'']
Jessica
Yeah, sorry, Mr. March. My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over.
Holland March
Your sister's such a slut.
Jessica
Yeah, I know.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Lesson on Language from Father to Daughter
Holly March
Dad, there's like whores here and stuff.
Holland March
Sweetheart, how many times have I told you? Don't say "and stuff". Just say "dad, there are whores here".
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Following Orders and Historical Consequences
Holland March
You know who else was just following orders? Adolf Hitler.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marriage and Bodyguards in New York Business
Bartender
Guys, listen. You don't go up there, all right? Trust me. These New York guys are up there. Uh, business guys. They got fucking bodyguards. Kind of had their balls removed. What's that called? Huh?
Healy
Marriage?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Reactions in a Chaotic Moment
March
To the birds?
Healy
Hallelujah!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Warning of Imminent Danger
Healy
John Boy. Oh, just something that Blueface mentioned, yeah.
March
What do you mean, he mentioned? Mentioned how?
Healy
Oh, you know, he... "There's a guy coming to kill you." That kind of crap. Yeah.
March
We should probably just stay here.
Healy
Smart move.
Healy
Unless, of course, he's up there killing her right now.
[''pauses'']
March
Nobody's getting killed at the Burbank Airport Hotel.
Healy
Because?
March
That would be national news.
Healy
Yeah, so?
March
Oh, so when's the last time you were on national news?
Healy
February.
March
Really?
Healy
Yeah.
March
For what?
Healy
I got shot, in a diner.
March
Where?
Healy
In my arm. I told you this last night.
March
We should call the cops.
Healy
No. It'll take too long.
March
You just said it was the right move to stay down here.
Healy
No, I said smart move. Different.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Loss of Smell in a Smoky Situation
Healy
The place reeks of marijuana. They're smoking it.
March
I can't smell.
Healy
What?
March
I got hit in the head a while back. I lost my sense of smell.
Healy
You can't smell?
March
Yeah.
Healy
You're a detective, and you can't smell?
March
Yeah.
Healy
Aw, this just keeps getting better and better.
March
Wow, that's really insensitive.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Searching for Amelia's Identity
Holland March
Hi everyone, I'm Amelia. She's about... Dark hair. Answers to... the call of the wild. Just kidding. I forgot her name, but you know, if you see you, just... if you see, let me know, and tell me... tell me my name.
[''intoxicated''; ''makes height gesture with his hand''; ''sees topless mermaid swimming in pool'']
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Asparagus and Honesty in Relationships
1 Party Girl
All I told him was that if you want me to do that, then don't eat the asparagus.
Pornookio
It's not my nose that grows.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exclamation of Frustration and Surprise
Holland March
Jesus tap-dancing Christ!
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Perspectives on Pain and Mortality
March
Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Healy
People got hurt.
March
I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Disagreement on Death and Seriousness
1 Protestor
We can't talk to you. We're dead.
March
No I— Yeah I get it. You know. I think it's very clever. I'm hip. But this is actually a really serious matter.
1 Protestor
So is this! We've all been killed!
March
No you haven't.
2 Protestor
Fuck you man, we're dead!
Healy
What's the protest about, do you know?
[''to bystander'']
Bystander
Any of you know why you're protesting?
[''to protesters'']
2 Protestor
The air!
Bystander
Air.
[''to Healy'']
March
You are protesting the air?
2 Protestor
The pollution! The birds can't breathe!
Healy
So all of you died cause of the pollution?
2 Protestor
Right.
[''nodding'']
Healy
What about the gas masks? They didn't... save you?
March
This is fucking... Alright!
[''when the guy can't answer Healy's question'']
3 Protestor
Fucker!
[''screams in pain and pulls her hand'']
March
Sorry. I thought you were dead.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Life in a Cesspool of Chaos
Holland March
I work in a cesspool. Sex, more sex. My wife, she used to say I make a living off rumpy-pumpy. Whatever. She was English. I don't know what the fuck it means either.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marriage as a Hostile Investment
Jackson Healy
Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Offer from a Kid on a Bike
Kid on Bike
You guys wanna see my dick?
March
Nobody wants to see your dick, dude.
Kid on Bike
20 bucks?
March
We already paid you 20... what am I saying?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Simple Case, A Major Crime
Taglines
A simple case, is the crime of the century.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Frustration with a Character Named Chet
Holland March
Fucking Chet.
[''repeated line'']
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No Animals Allowed Inside the House
Holly March
Why don't we invite him in?
[''Healy is waiting outside'']
Holland March
No animals in the house, sweetheart.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skepticism About Eyewitness Testimony
Healy
So, you know the old lady, right? Did you believe her?
March
What about?
Healy
When she said she saw Misty alive that night, did you believe her?
March
God, no. She's blind as a bat.
Healy
Uh-huh.
March
She has actual coke bottles for glasses. You paint a mustache on a Volkswagen, she says, "Boy, that ] sure runs fast.
[[w:Omar Sharif|Omar Sharif]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Poolside Confusion Between Characters
March
I was in the pool.
Healy
You were in the pool?
March
Yeah.
Healy
Why?
March
I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Detective Skills
Holly March
You're the world's worst detective.
Holland March
I'm the worst?
Holly March
Yeah!
Holland March
The world's worst?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Recognition in a Hasty Encounter
March
You seen Chet, the projectionist?
Buddy
Yeah, he just left like 10 minutes ago, went for a drink. And you are?
March
In a hurry. Thanks, buddy.
Buddy
How'd you know my name was Buddy?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Reckless Decision Leads to Unexpected Joy
Jackson Healy
So I did something about it. I acted. I didn't plan to, I didn't, you know. I just did it. I took that guy out. I didn't even get paid for it. So I ended up with a bullet in the bicep and 500 bucks of hospital bills. It was stupid, really. When I think about it, it was the best day of my life.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Bold Offer for Quick Cash
Holland March
All right, which one of you cock-and-balls wants to make twenty bucks?
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Belief in Invincibility and Its Logic
Holland March
I think I'm invincible. It's the only thing that makes sense. I don't think I can die.
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A Conversation About Work and Interests
Healy
Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV. You're prosecuting that car company thing.
Kuttner
The lawsuit for the catalytic converter. Yes. That's half my day. The other half I spend on pornography.
Healy
Hmm.
March
What kind? Like which films? What's your favorite?
Healy
No, no. Uh, anti. Anti-porn.
March
Right.
Healy
Like a crusader.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Purpose of Adult Film Storylines
Holland March
So you're telling me you made a porno where the point is the plot?
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Divine References in Everyday Conversations
Holland March
Jesus Christ! One at a time!
Janet
You took the Lord's name in vain.
Holland March
No I didn't, Janet. I found it very useful actually. Ok, Janet?
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Struggling with a Body and Alcohol
Healy
You didn't fall down the fucking hill, did you? Did you fall down the hill?
March
I had, like, two, three drinks, tops.
Healy
Yeah, that's why you can't walk straight.
March
Oh, excuse me. I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face. So, I'm sorry I'm not Bakishnarov.
Healy
You can't even say ].
[[Mikhail Baryshnikov|Baryshnikov]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.