The Original Kings of Comedy Quotes

Bernie Mac I will fuck a kid up. When a kid gets one-years-old, I believe you got the right to hit him in either the throat or the stomach. If you grown enough to talk back, you grown enough to get fucked up!

Steve Harvey I know we shouldn't say this to one another as black people...but you can't spell motherfucking "technology". I know you shouldn't even judge a book by its cover...but there is nothing about you, "Boogie", that says "computer"...or "school"!

Cedric the Entertainer I don't do "little" Luther. I like "big, ]-not-quite-right" Luther. That boy made all that money, and his curl never...*sigh*...his curl never...really...curled all the way over!

Bernie Mac Imagine if they put sex in a can.

D.L. Hughley We're going out of town; you're gonna have to stay with Big Mama." "GOD DAMN! I hate that bitch and she hate me!" Everything you did over your mean grandmama's house gonna run up her light bill. "Don't you come in my house talking loud! You gonna fuck around and run up my light bill! My light bill be sky high cause of yo little black ass." Got them silly-ass superstitions: "Don't use the phone; there's a rainstorm! Lighting be done struck my house! Then my light bill be sky high!" "It's bad luck opening an umbrella in the house." No, it's bad luck having a hole in your fuckin roof, that's what's bad luck!

Cedric the Entertainer Never in life do you hear about a large group of black people getting killed altogether. Cuz we run. Nigga, we run when we see somebody else runnin'. We don't ask no questions why we runnin', we don't need no run coordinator to get the runnin all organized. Nigga, if I'm with you, and you start runnin'...dammit, I'ma start runnin'!

Taglines We got jokes.

Bernie Mac if I pull my shit out right now this whole room get dark.

D.L. Hughley You can't fire white folk. You fire white folk, you'd best believe somebody gettin shot that day. "I'm FIRED? I'll be right back, you sons of bitches...!" You fire a brother, we be mad for a different reason. "How come you didn't call me at home, motherfucker? You knew I was fired yesterday! Makin me burn up all my goddamn gas...

Bernie Mac I had a white guy tell me... he said, "Bern, why do black folks use the word mother-fucker?'" Well, I'm gonna break down what the word "mother-fucker" actually means. "Mother-fucker" is somethin that black folks have been using for years. It's about expression. Don't be ashamed of the word "mother-fucker." Because the word "mother-fucker" is a noun: it describes a person, place, or thing!

D.L. Hughley Nobody love ] like black folks. Black folks love us some God. ] was black. If Jesus was black, then you know the apostles were black, cause wouldn't no 12 white men follow no brother. Not unless they was the police and Jesus had a warrant, huh? They ain't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he was black. Jesus first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now, if that ain't black folks shit, I don't know what is. "Lord, we done ran outta wine!" "Well, you know, normally, I don't do this, but, uh... gon head, keep the party goin'.

Taglines The heavyweight champions of comedy

Steve Harvey When you go to church that much when you're a kid, you don't really care for church that much. So what you got to do is find little things to like about church, that make you want to go. And the one thing I liked about my church -- it might seem a little strange to you -- but the one thing that made me want to go all the time was when I found out that there was people that cussed at the church. That might not do it for y'all, but dammit, that done it for me.

Steve Harvey ] and ] vs. ] and Five Temptations...one mic. Whatever they did, they came back to the mike! Stank-ass rappers make me sick! Now, ev'rybody on the goddamned stage got a mike! Forty motherfucking people! Motherfucker, why? We can't understand what ONE of yo asses is sayin'!

Steve Harvey : The band was playin as the ship went down. What black band YOU know gon keep playin, with the damn ship goin down'? ] woulda been unpluggin shit! "Man, let's get the fuck outta here! Wrap that shit up. Goddamn it, come on! Wrap this shit up! Let's go! GODDAMN IT, LET'S GO! Get that amplifier off fore somebody fuck around and get shocked!

Steve Harvey : Goddammit, normally when you runnin from the law, you wanna get a passport... go to ]... ]... ]... uh-uh, not Ray-Ray! Ray-Ray took his ass to ]!

Cedric the Entertainer I met this dude the other day named Daryl...he gon tell me to call him "Delicious". "Ced, you can just call me Delicious'". I'm a grown-ass man, dawg. I ain't gonna call no other dude "Delicious"! What if that nigga way down the street or summin? "'DELICIOUS'!!! Ay, D, hol up!".

Bernie Mac : I came home at one o clock in the morning. The two-year-old send the faggot downstairs for some milk and cookies! I'm comin upstairs, he walkin downstairs. He gon walk past me like I'm a visitor, you know... . I said, "where you goin?" "To get some milk an cooookies!" He said it so funny, I wanted to hear him say it again! I said, "some what?" !!".

Bernie Mac If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin luck wit me!