The Other Guys (2010) - Quotes

Hoitz: You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives, and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself, because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

Gamble: Wow, I actually appreciate that.

Hoitz: Good, cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.

Gamble: No. You don't have to.

Hoitz: No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.

Gamble: Hmm.

Hoitz: If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Gamble: [pause] Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.

Hoitz: Yeah?

Gamble: And said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring...

Hoitz: How you gonna do that?

Gamble: [goes back to typing] We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.

Gamble: You're mad at us, huh, Gene?

Mauch: First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.

Mauch: Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?

Gamble: Sure.

Mauch: All right. Well, what did you do? What'd you do about it?

Gamble: The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.

Mauch: It's just "Captain". Just "Captain". It's not "Captain Gene". I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene".

Hoitz: Alan, listen to me. Danson and Highsmith are gone. Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats. That someone is us, okay? This city's dying for a hero.

Gamble: Is it?

Hoitz: Yeah.

Gamble: What about nine million socially-conscious and unified citizens, all just stepping up and doing their part?

Hoitz: As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?

Gamble: I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school and made my bed. And at age 11, I audited my parents. And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.

Hoitz: What the hell are you?

Highsmith: You thinkin what I'm thinkin', partner?

Danson: [Highsmith nods, they fist bump, then both jump to their deaths] Aim for the bushes?

Danson: [hanging on to the roof a speeding car] Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof?

Highsmith: I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.

Roger Wesley: [[Grand Theft Auto] Someone's been playing ].

Roger Wesley: Listen, if you don't shut up, I'll cut your ear off with a butter knife.

Roger Wesley: [[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue; [w:buttocks|buttocks] There are three things I love in this world: ], small dimples just above a woman's ]... and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him.

Captain Gene Mauch: [to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff] First thing's first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.

Captain Gene Mauch: Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart.

Narrator: It was the king of the mutt cases, but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars. Within 24 hours of learning about Ershon's scheme and Lendl's massive losses, the government issued TARP funds to bail out Lendl. They were too big to fail. Ershon now resides in Palomino Federal Correctional Facility in Florida. He still invests. Currency's just different. Roger Wesley was linked to the Beaman murder by security cam footage which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked. It only showed the back of their heads. But Alan's Faceback app was able to get a match to their faces. Terry married Francine. He played harp at the reception and it was beautiful. He had learned how to play it in the eighth grade to make fun of the fairy that lived up the street. Terry asked Sheila to be his best man, but she declined. Let's be honest, we all wanna be superstars and hotshots. But guess what? The people that do the real work, the ones that make the difference, you don't see them on TV or on the front page. I'm talking about the day-in, day-outers, the grinders. Come on, man, you know who I'm talking about: the other guys.

Narrator: Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped. Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death. Maybe their egoes pushed them off. I don't know. But that shit was crazy. Either way, there was a hole in New York City, and it needed to be filled.

Narrator: Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars. Then you got your jokers, your ball-busters, your vets... and the other guys.

David Ershon: Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed-view tickets for Rock of Ages. Even I admit that's not very temping, but I'm not made of tickets, goddamn it!

David Ershon: [with a gun pointed at him] Wait! Computers. What if one day...they were in charge?

David Ershon: This was a very clever idea.

Detective P.K. Highsmith: [while flying in a car through the air towards several drug runners who are firing machine guns at him as he returns fire with a pistol in each hand] You have the right...to remain...SILENT...but I wanna hear you SCREAM!

Detective P.K. Highsmith: Ay, ay, ay! Ay, you shut your face! If we wanna hear you talk, I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet! You hear me?! You hear me?! Cast off!

Detective P.K. Highsmith: All the gun fights, all the car chases, all the sex we don't want to have with women but we have to...is all due to what you guys do. Thank you.

Detective P.K. Highsmith: Did someone call nine one HOLY SHIT?!

Detective Terry Hoitz: [while showing badge] Police, shithead!

Detective Terry Hoitz: And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!

Detective Terry Hoitz: I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

Detective Terry Hoitz: Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator.

Detective Allen Gamble: Gator needs his gat, you punk-ass BITCH!

Detective Allen Gamble: You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!

Detective Allen Gamble: [while interrogating Ershon] I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!

Detective Allen Gamble: [in a ballet school] I think we all experienced our own ballet today. A ballet of emotion, and feelings.

Detective Allen Gamble: I never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.

Detective Allen Gamble: How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that. When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!