The Other Guys Quotes

Detective Allen Gamble I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!

Highsmith You thinkin what I'm thinkin', partner?

Danson Aim for the bushes?

Hoitz You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives, and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back. But I stopped myself, because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

Gamble Wow, I actually appreciate that.

Hoitz Good, cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.

Gamble No. You don't have to.

Hoitz No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.

Gamble Hmm.

Hoitz If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Gamble Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.

Hoitz Yeah?

Gamble And said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring...

Hoitz How you gonna do that?

Gamble We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.

Detective Allen Gamble How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that. When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

Detective P.K. Highsmith All the gun fights, all the car chases, all the sex we don't want to have with women but we have to...is all due to what you guys do. Thank you.

Captain Gene Mauch Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart.

Danson Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof?

Highsmith I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.

Detective P.K. Highsmith You have the right...to remain...SILENT...but I wanna hear you SCREAM!

Narrator Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars. Then you got your jokers, your ball-busters, your vets... and the other guys.

Detective Allen Gamble Gator needs his gat, you punk-ass BITCH!

Hoitz Alan, listen to me. Danson and Highsmith are gone. Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats. That someone is us, okay? This city's dying for a hero.

Gamble Is it?

Hoitz Yeah.

Gamble What about nine million socially-conscious and unified citizens, all just stepping up and doing their part?

Hoitz As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?

Gamble I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school and made my bed. And at age 11, I audited my parents. And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.

Hoitz What the hell are you?

David Ershon This was a very clever idea.

David Ershon Wait! Computers. What if one day...they were in charge?

Detective Terry Hoitz I'm a peacock, you gotta let me fly!

Roger Wesley There are three things I love in this world: ], small dimples just above a woman's ]... and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him.

Detective P.K. Highsmith Ay, ay, ay! Ay, you shut your face! If we wanna hear you talk, I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet! You hear me?! You hear me?! Cast off!

Gamble You're mad at us, huh, Gene?

Mauch First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.

Mauch Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?

Gamble Sure.

Mauch All right. Well, what did you do? What'd you do about it?

Gamble The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.

Mauch It's just "Captain". Just "Captain". It's not "Captain Gene". I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene".

Narrator It was the king of the mutt cases, but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars. Within 24 hours of learning about Ershon's scheme and Lendl's massive losses, the government issued TARP funds to bail out Lendl. They were too big to fail. Ershon now resides in Palomino Federal Correctional Facility in Florida. He still invests. Currency's just different. Roger Wesley was linked to the Beaman murder by security cam footage which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked. It only showed the back of their heads. But Alan's Faceback app was able to get a match to their faces. Terry married Francine. He played harp at the reception and it was beautiful. He had learned how to play it in the eighth grade to make fun of the fairy that lived up the street. Terry asked Sheila to be his best man, but she declined. Let's be honest, we all wanna be superstars and hotshots. But guess what? The people that do the real work, the ones that make the difference, you don't see them on TV or on the front page. I'm talking about the day-in, day-outers, the grinders. Come on, man, you know who I'm talking about: the other guys.

Detective Terry Hoitz Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator.

David Ershon Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed-view tickets for Rock of Ages. Even I admit that's not very temping, but I'm not made of tickets, goddamn it!

Detective Allen Gamble I think we all experienced our own ballet today. A ballet of emotion, and feelings.

Detective Terry Hoitz Police, shithead!

Detective Allen Gamble I never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.

Narrator Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped. Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death. Maybe their egoes pushed them off. I don't know. But that shit was crazy. Either way, there was a hole in New York City, and it needed to be filled.

Detective P.K. Highsmith Did someone call nine one HOLY SHIT?!

Detective Terry Hoitz And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!

Roger Wesley Someone's been playing ].

Captain Gene Mauch First thing's first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.

Roger Wesley Listen, if you don't shut up, I'll cut your ear off with a butter knife.

Detective Allen Gamble You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!