The Producers Quotes

Max Bialystock Next time I produce a play, no author.

Franz Liebekind You know, not many people knew it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.

Max Really, I never dreamed that...

Franz Liebekind That is because that you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda! Such filthy lies! They told lies! But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they? No! Win with Winnie! Churchill! With his cigars. With his brandy. And his rotten painting, rotten! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two Coats! Churchill. He couldn't even say Nazi'. He would say Noooo-zeeehz, Nooooooooooooo-zeeehz! It wasn't Noses! It was Nazis! Churchill!...Let me tell you this! And you're hearing this straight from the horse. Hitler was better looking than Churchill. He was a better dresser than Churchill. He had more hair! He told funnier jokes! And he could dance the pants off of Churchill!...Churchill!

Leo I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYS-

Leo ...I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!

Leo ...I'M IN PAIN! ...AND I'M WET! ...AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL! No, don't hit, don't hit! It only increases me sense of danger.

Max What can I do? You're making me hysterical.

Leo Go away, go away. You frighten me.

Leo Bloom It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting.

Leo Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! You're making me extremely nervous.

Max What is that, a handkerchief?

Leo What? Oh, it's nothing.

Max Nothing? Then why can't I see it?

Leo M-MY BLANKET! MY BLUE BLANKET!! GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!!

Max Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic.

Leo I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting.

Max ..."Congratulations - it's the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations - Hitler will run forever!"..."Congratulations..." "Congratulations...!

Leo Max! Please don't say that word again.

Max What word? You mean, Congra--

Leo DON'T SAY IT! I'm scared that, if I hear it just once more, I'll start getting sick to my stomach and I won't be able to stop.

Roger CONGRATULATIONS! Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an avalanche! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY!

Max LEO! MOVE OVER! ...Sorry about that, pal.

Leo Bloom Max! Please don't say that word again.

Leo Bloom Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! You're making me extremely nervous.

Max Bialystock How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

Max Bialystock You lousy fruit! You RUINED ME!!

Max Bialystock That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Max Bialystock Bloom, look at me. Look at me, Bloom! Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life. Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm being sunk by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison. HELP!!!

Leo Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

Max Assume away.

Leo Bloom Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

Leo Bloom GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!!

Leo You're gonna jump on me.

Max Huh?

Leo You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea!

Max Who?

Leo Poppaea!! She was his wife, and she was unfaithful to him! So, he got mad! AND HE JUMPED ON HER, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UNTIL HE SQUASHED HER LIKE A BUG! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME!!

Max I'M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YA!!!

Leo AAAAH!!

Leo Bloom Go away, go away. You frighten me.

Singers * (Actually sung by Mel Brooks)

Leo Bloom You're gonna jump on me.

Leo Bloom Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden"... Wow...

Franz Liebekind I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!

Franz Liebekind Adolf Elizabeth Hitler

Leo FAT!!!!!!!! FAT!!!! FAT!! FAT!!! FAT!!!!! YOU FATTY!! Just gimme those books, you fat walrus!

Max Never!

Leo Give em, quick! Grr-rrr! YOU FAT FATTY! GIMME THOSE FAT BOOKS!!

Max NO! No!

Max ...So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a surefire flop!

Leo Yes! That's exactly WHAT SCHEME!?

Max Why, your scheme, you bloody little genius!

Leo I meant no scheme. I merely posed an academic accounting theory. It was just a thought.

Max Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts.

Max Bialystock How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico's. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... Do the books. Do the books...Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there.

Singers Springtime for Hitler and GermanyDeutschland is happy and gay.We're marching to a faster paceLook out, here comes the master race!Springtime for Hitler and GermanyWinter for Poland and France.Springtime for Hitler and GermanyCome on, Germans, go into your dance.

Max Bialystock That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Jury Foreman ...We find the defendants incredibly guilty.

Leo I would like to say something, your Honor. Not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock...Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life.

Max Don't help me.

Leo Not only is he a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing. But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... This man. No one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else. I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man, this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock who made them feel young and attractive and wanted again? That's all that I have to say.

Max And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson and that we'll never do it again.

Singers Springtime for Hitler and Germany (two rifle shots)Goosestep's the new step today. (machine-gun fire) Bombs falling from the skies again (explosion)Deutschland is on the rise again!Springtime for Hitler and GermanyU-boats are sailing once more.Springtime for Hitler and GermanyMeans that soon we'll be going to war!

Singers Don't be stupid! Be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi Party!

Singers I was born in Dusseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf!