Naughty or Nice: The Gift Classification System
Bernard:
Look, you put the "P" next to the kids who are nice, and a "C" next to the naughty ones.
Scott:
P" and "C"?
Charlie:
Yeah. "P" for present, "C" for coal. Right, Bernard?
Bernard:
Right.
Scott:
Wait a minute, how do I know who's good and bad?
Bernard:
You'll know.
Scott:
What if I don't wanna do this?
Bernard: [in a stern tone]
Don't even kid about a thing like that!
Scott:
Why not? What if I don't buy in to this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
Bernard:
Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You wouldn't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas now, would you... Santa?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acceptance of Santa's Responsibilities
Bernard: [reading the card Scott found in the Santa suit under a magnifier; pulls the card away]
The Santa Clause: "In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.
Scott:
What does that mean?
Bernard:
It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott:
That's ridiculous; I didn't put on a suit just to-
Bernard: [angrily]
Try to understand this!
Elves: [shocked]
Ooh!
Bernard: [chuckles in embarrassment]
Let me explain something to you, okay? Toys have to be delivered. I'm not gonna do it. It's not my job. I'm just an elf. It's Santa's job, but Santa fell off the roof; your roof. You read the card, put on the suit, that clearly falls under the Santa Clause, so now you're Santa. Okay?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Direct Flight to Reality
Scott:
Hey, Barabbas.
Bernard:
Bernard!
Scott:
Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father and son discuss a family member.
Charlie:
You know, Neil's a real good cook.
Scott:
Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie:
You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott:
Charlie, yeah, I was joking. Okay? I'm sorry. I like him a - Yeah, sure I like him. You know, there’s something about him that makes me want to--
Charlie:
Lash out irrationally?
Scott:
Where did you hear that?
Charlie:
From Neil. I learn a lot from him; he listens to me.
Scott:
Yeah, and then he charges you for it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Nature of Santa Claus Explained
Laura:
All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott:
Kind of like Neil. And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there is no Santa Claus?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skepticism About Belief in Santa Claus
Charlie:
Neil doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott:
Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
Charlie:
He's smart. He's a doctor.
Scott:
He's not a doctor; he's a psychiatrist.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
