6 quotes
Naughty or Nice: The Gift Classification System
Bernard
Look, you put the "P" next to the kids who are nice, and a "C" next to the naughty ones.
Scott
P" and "C"?
Charlie
Yeah. "P" for present, "C" for coal. Right, Bernard?
Bernard
Right.
Scott
Wait a minute, how do I know who's good and bad?
Bernard
You'll know.
Scott
What if I don't wanna do this?
Bernard
Don't even kid about a thing like that!
[in a stern tone]
Scott
Why not? What if I don't buy in to this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
Bernard
Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You wouldn't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas now, would you... Santa?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Nature of Santa Claus Explained
Laura
All Neil told him was that Santa was more of a feeling. More of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott
Kind of like Neil. And who gave you permission to tell Charlie there is no Santa Claus?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Acceptance of Santa's Responsibilities
Bernard
The Santa Clause: "In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.
[reading the card Scott found in the Santa suit under a magnifier; pulls the card away]
Scott
What does that mean?
Bernard
It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott
That's ridiculous; I didn't put on a suit just to-
Bernard
Try to understand this!
[angrily]
Elves
Ooh!
[shocked]
Bernard
Let me explain something to you, okay? Toys have to be delivered. I'm not gonna do it. It's not my job. I'm just an elf. It's Santa's job, but Santa fell off the roof; your roof. You read the card, put on the suit, that clearly falls under the Santa Clause, so now you're Santa. Okay?
[chuckles in embarrassment]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Father and son discuss a family member.
Charlie
You know, Neil's a real good cook.
Scott
Yeah, and you should see him walk on water.
Charlie
You don't like him very much, do you, Dad?
Scott
Charlie, yeah, I was joking. Okay? I'm sorry. I like him a - Yeah, sure I like him. You know, there’s something about him that makes me want to--
Charlie
Lash out irrationally?
Scott
Where did you hear that?
Charlie
From Neil. I learn a lot from him; he listens to me.
Scott
Yeah, and then he charges you for it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Skepticism About Belief in Santa Claus
Charlie
Neil doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott
Well, Neil's head comes to a point.
Charlie
He's smart. He's a doctor.
Scott
He's not a doctor; he's a psychiatrist.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Direct Flight to Reality
Scott
Hey, Barabbas.
Bernard
Bernard!
Scott
Bernard. Can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to change planes in Denver?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.