The Whole Nine Yards (2000) - Quotes

Cynthia: Promise me something.

Cynthia: Have you vomited recently?

Oz: A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.

Cynthia: I'll wait.

Janni: [pause] I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin! Where was I?

Oz: Wermin, I think. Wermin.

Janni: We're talking about someone - FUCK THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!

Frankie: You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?

Oz: I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?

Frankie: So you don't like him no more?

Oz: Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.

Frankie: If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!

Oz: [Frankie sucks on his teeth] I know. You know, I can close that gap for you.

Frankie: Really?

Oz: Yeah, you'd be in and out.

Frankie: You're kidding. This thing right here?

Frankie: Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

Oz: Would it do any good?

Frankie: ...No.

Oz: [after Frankie beats a confession out of Oz] I MAY know where he is.

Frankie: Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.

Oz: Okay. You mind if I piss a little blood first?

Frankie: Please, by all means.

Jill: [on the phone, as his wife is driving him to the airport] Are you going alone?

Oz: Yes.

Jill: Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.

Oz: [covers the phone] Jill!

Jill: And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!

Jimmy: [after Oz makes him laugh] You sure you're a dentist?

Oz: Yeah. Why?

Jimmy: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

Oz: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

Jimmy: Me too.

Jimmy: You're a dentist?

Oz: Afraid so.

Jimmy: You suicidal?

Oz: Why would you say that?

Jimmy: Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

Oz: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

Jimmy: You like living in Canada?

Oz: No, I live here with my wife.

Jimmy: I take it you're not Canadian.

Oz: Only by marriage.

Jill: Your wife is not a nice person.

Oz: You're expecting an argument?

Sophie Oseransky: You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise.

Janni Gogolack: My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat FUCK, piece of SHIT... Tudeski.

Janni Gogolack: Ansfer dat.

Franklin "Frankie Figs" Figueroa: [to Jill] You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun. You know you're just all kinds of fine, don't you?

Franklin "Frankie Figs" Figueroa: [grabs his crotch] Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way, Huevos grandes, amigo!

Franklin "Frankie Figs" Figueroa: [every time Oz doesn't answer, Frankie hits him in the stomach or kidneys, then hugs him to stop him collapsing] My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night.

Jill St. Claire: [on Sophie] You know, you'd be doing the world a favor if you just had her whacked.

Jill St. Claire: I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [Oz attempts to open the side door but fails] You know what I'm going to do...I'm...I'm gonna...I'm gonna go! ...does this slide?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [The phone rings, Oz is startled; The phone rings again] Phone!..'..There it is again!

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: [Watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him] This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Oh, and don't forget the body!

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Room service? Yes this is room 519. I'm gonna need a bigger bottle of Scotch!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: [shoots Janni in the head] You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: The great and powerful Oz.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: Everybody dies. Sooner or later.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski: It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.