Tommy Boy (1995) - Quotes

Unexpected Mud Encounter in Tommy Boy

Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!

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Choosing Preferences in a New Experience

Tommy: Look at em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.

Paul: Does it make a difference?

Tommy: Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?

Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul: And?

Tommy: They fall over.

Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda dumb?

Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait til Christmas!

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Candy Shells and Resale Value

Richard: Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy: Your... your brain has the fuckin shell on it.

Richard: Are you talking?

Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

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Airport Confusion Between Friends

Tommy: [''gets off the airplane''] Richard Hayden!

Richard: Tommy.

Tommy: Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?

Richard: He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

Tommy: He said he had a surprise for me.

Richard: Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.

Tommy: I did call, earlier, when... using the phone.

Richard: Earlier? When was that?

Tommy: Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message.

Richard: A message? What number did you call?

Tommy: Two... four.. niner... five, six seven...

Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy: No, it was cordless.

Richard: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.

Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy: Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard: [''looks behind Tommy as his luggage comes out''] I know. They're called doctors. Oh, that has to be you.

Richard: You spray that thing for bugs?

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A Misunderstanding in Historical Knowledge

Question #1: Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock.

Tommy: (writes down) Herbie.

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Conflict Between Friends Over Timeliness

Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.

Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!

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Humorous Banter Among Unlikely Characters

Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

Ray Zalinkski: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.

Cow Farmer: Hey! Get off my property!

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Unexpected Consequences of Clumsy Actions

Richard Hayden: Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.

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Humorous Take on Cleanup Challenges

Richard Hayden: Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.

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Comment on a character's intelligence

Richard Hayden: He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?

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Humorous Safety Briefing with Tommy

Richard Hayden: Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

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Searching for Directions in McKeesport

Richard Hayden: [points to Tommy] It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

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Understanding Reading and Language Basics

Richard Hayden: It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.

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Critique of Weight Gain

Richard Hayden: [After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth] Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter .

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A Humorous Confession of Awkwardness

Tommy Callahan: R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

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Struggles of Loss and Betrayal

Tommy Callahan: [Sitting on a park bench with Richard; Bench collapses under him] Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. ...Could've done without that.

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Threatening Humor in a Tense Situation

Tommy Callahan: You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

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Struggling with Overwhelming Life Challenges

Tommy Callahan: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!

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Tommy's Question About Favorite Little Rascal

Tommy Callahan: Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner.

Understanding the Heart's True Location

Tommy Callahan: Not here, or here so much... but right here'.

A Humorous Rejection of Affection

Tommy Callahan: If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother.

Tommy's Hilarious Panic Over Bees in Car

Tommy Callahan: [During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!

The Importance of Quality Brake Pads

Tommy Callahan: What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the other guy's brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming Oh my god, we're burning alive! No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't...

Humorous Reference to Adult Entertainment

Tommy Callahan: Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?

Misunderstanding Technical Terms in a Humorous Way

Tommy Callahan: [During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded.

Humorous Moment with a Little Coat

Tommy Callahan: [Singing, in an attempt to cheer up Richard] Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!

The Importance of Brotherhood and Connection

Tommy Callahan: Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!

Surprising joy in academic achievement

Tommy Callahan: Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward.

A New Beginning After Goodbye

Tommy Callahan: [''passes out''] Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show...