Tommy Boy Quotes

Tommy Man, did I get douched with mud!

Young Richard Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.

Young Tommy Shut up, Richard!

Richard Hayden It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.

Richard Hayden Ugh! I can actually hear you getting fatter .

Tommy Look at em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.

Paul Does it make a difference?

Tommy Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?

Paul Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul And?

Tommy They fall over.

Paul And this doesn't strike you as kinda dumb?

Tommy We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait til Christmas!

Tommy Callahan Not here, or here so much... but right here'.

Richard Hayden Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you over the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

Richard Hayden He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?

Tommy Callahan Boy this is the worst. My so called "family" deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job. ...Could've done without that.

Richard Hayden It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

Richard Hayden Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.

Tommy Callahan Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show...

Question #1 Some of the Framers of the United States Constitution included Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and _____ Hancock.

Tommy (writes down) Herbie.

Tommy Callahan You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

Tommy Callahan Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge and they're sting crazy! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!

Tommy Callahan Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!

Tommy Callahan Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?

Tommy Callahan Shut up, Richard!

Tommy Callahan If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother.

Tommy Callahan I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded.

Tommy Callahan Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner.

Big Tom Callahan Of course, I can get a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Michelle Brock Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

Ray Zalinkski Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z.

Cow Farmer Hey! Get off my property!

Richard Hayden Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.

Tommy Richard Hayden!

Richard Tommy.

Tommy Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?

Richard He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

Tommy He said he had a surprise for me.

Richard Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.

Tommy I did call, earlier, when... using the phone.

Richard Earlier? When was that?

Tommy Er... later... When, when then I, I left a message.

Richard A message? What number did you call?

Tommy Two... four.. niner... five, six seven...

Richard I can't hear you, you're trailing off. And did I hear a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy No, it was cordless.

Richard You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

Tommy Did you hear I finally graduated.

Richard Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy Hey, you know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard I know. They're called doctors. Oh, that has to be you.

Richard You spray that thing for bugs?

Tommy Callahan What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the other guy's brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming Oh my god, we're burning alive! No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me, it doesn't...

Tommy Callahan Holy schnikes!

Tommy Callahan Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!

Richard Oh, that sounds good! Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

Tommy I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy Your... your brain has the fuckin shell on it.

Richard Are you talking?

Tommy Shut up, Richard.

Tommy Callahan R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

Tommy Callahan Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT!

Tommy Callahan Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

Tommy Callahan Professor posts final exam results Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! hugs a student standing next to him I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward.