Tootsie Quotes

Julie I know I'm pretty and I use it. I just guess I shouldn't have gone to Dr. Brewster's office so late.

Dorothy Well, no, that's not true. You know, Dr. Brewster has tried to seduce several nurses on this ward. Always claiming to be in the throes of an uncontrollable impulse. Do you know what?

Ron Uh-oh.

Dorothy I think I'm gonna give every nurse on this floor an electric cattle prod, and just instruct them to just zap him in his badoobies.

Ron Cattle prod?

Dorothy Ruby? Hi, you wanna open the yellow pages under the section, Farm Equipment retail...

Taglines Can you keep a secret? In the next 72 hours, this desperate, unemployed actor will secretly audition for the lead of a soap opera. And become America's hottest new actress.

Sandy A guy named Les is sending you flowers?

Michael Yes. He's a friend of mine. He can't eat candy. He's diabetic.

Sandy Why is he thanking you for a lovely night in front of the fire.

Michael My mind's a blank.

Sandy Michael, are you gay?

Michael In what sense?

Julie I miss Dorothy.

Michael You don't have to. She's right here. And she misses you. Look, you don't know me from Adam. But I was a better man with you, as a woman... than I ever was with a woman, as a man. You know what I mean? I just gotta learn to do it without the dress. At this point, there might be an advantage to my wearing pants. The hard part's over, you know? We were already... good friends.

Sandy Lester There is nothing you can do for me. I just have to feel like this until I don't feel like this anymore and you're gonna have to know that you're the one that made me feel this way.

Taglines Desperate, he took a female role and became a star. If only he could tell the woman he loves.

Sandy Wish me luck.

Michael Fuck you.

Sandy Thanks.

Michael Fuck you.

Michael Dorsey You know, I could lay a big line on you and we could do a lot of role playing, but the simple truth is that I find you very interesting and I'd really like to make love to you.

Dorothy/Michael Thank you, Gordon. Well, I cannot tell you all how deeply moved I am. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be the object of so much genuine affection. It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I'm now going to say. Yes. I do feel it's time to set the record straight. You see, I didn't come here just as an administrator, Dr. Brewster; I came to this hospital to settle an old score. Now you all know that my father was a brilliant man; he built this hospital. What you don't know is that to his family, he was an unmerciful tyrant - a absolute dodo bird. He drove my mother, his wife, to - to drink; in fact, she - uh, she she she went riding one time and lost all her teeth. The son Edward became a recluse, and the oldest daughter - the pretty one, the charming one - became pregnant when she was fifteen years old and was driven out of the house. In fact, she was so terrified that she would, uh, that, uh, that, that, that the baby daughter would bear the stigma of illegitimacy that she, she - she decided to change her name and she contracted a disfiguring disease... after moving to Tangiers, which is where she raised the, the, the little girl as her sister. But her one ambition in life - besides the child's happiness - was to become a nurse, so she returned to the States and joined the staff right here at Southwest General. Well, she worked here, she knew she had to speak out wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity. God save us, you do understand that, don't you, Dr. Brewster?

John I never laid a hand on her.

Dorothy/Michael Yes, you did. And she was shunned by all you nurses, too... and by a, what do you call it, what do you call it, a - something like a pariah, to you doctors who found her idealistic and reckless. But she was deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply loved by her brother. It was this brother who, on the day of her death, swore to the good Lord above that he would follow in her footsteps, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just owe it all up to her. But on her terms. As a woman. And just as proud to be a woman as she ever was. For I am not Emily Kimberly, the daughter of Dwayne and Alma Kimberly. No, I'm not. I'm Edward Kimberly, the reckless brother of my sister Anthea. Edward Kimberly, who has finally vindicated his sister's good name. I am Edward Kimberly. Edward Kimberly. And I'm not mentally ill, but proud, and lucky, and strong enough to be the woman that was the best part of my manhood. The best part of myself.

Jeff That is one nutty hospital!

Michael Friends?

Sandy No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only lovers.

Rita I'd like to make her look a little more attractive, how far can you pull back?

Cameraman How do you feel about Cleveland?

Rita Knock it off.

Taglines This Is a Hell of a Way To Make a Living.

Michael You should have seen the look on her face when she thought I was a lesbian.

George Lesbian"? You just said gay.

Michael No, no, no - Sandy thinks I'm gay, Julie thinks I'm a lesbian.

George I thought Dorothy was supposed to be straight?

Michael Dorothy IS straight. Tonight Les, the sweetest, nicest man in the world asked me to marry him.

George A guy named Les wants YOU to marry him?

Michael No, no, no - he wants to marry Dorothy.

George Does he know she's a lesbian?

Michael Dorothy's not a lesbian!

George I know that, does he know that?

Michael Know what?

George That, er, I... I don't know.

Jeff What do you mean you don't have anything to wear?

Michael She's seen me in all of these!

Jeff She hasn't seen you in that white dress.

Michael What, this?

Jeff Yeah.

Michael You cannot wear white to a casual dinner. It's too dressy.

Jeff Can't you wear pants?

Michael Pants?

Jeff What about this thing?

Michael No. I don't have the right shoes for it, I don't like the way the horizontal lines make me look too hippy, and it cuts me across the bust.

Jeff I think we're getting into a weird area here.

John I'm just an untalented old has-been.

Dorothy Were you ever famous?

John Van Horne No.

Dorothy Then how can you be a has-been?

John Dorothy, I want you.

Dorothy I beg your pardon?

George Fields I begged you to get therapy.

John Van Horne Does Jeff know?

Ron Carlisle I knew there was a reason she didn't like me!

Dorothy Michaels What kind of mother would I be if I didn't give my girls tits... tips?

Jeff I'm just afraid that you're going to burn in Hell for all this.

Michael I don't believe in hell. I believe in unemployment, but not hell.

Michael Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?

George No, no, that's too limited... nobody in Hollywood wants to work with you either. I can't even send you up for a commercial. You played a tomato for 30 seconds - they went a half a day over schedule because you wouldn't sit down.

Michael Yes - it wasn't logical.

George You were a tomato! A tomato doesn't have logic. A tomato can't move.

Michael That's what I said. So if he can't move, how's he gonna sit down, George? I was a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like me. I did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. I did the best tomato, the best cucumber... I did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.

Ron You don't like me, do you? Now, I can respect that. There's not many women that I can't make like me. Why don't you like me?

Dorothy I don't like the way you treat Julie. I don't like the way you patronize her. I don't like the way you deceive her. I don't like the way you lie to her.

Ron What do you mean?

Dorothy You want me to go on?

Ron No, no. I know what you mean.

Dorothy Michaels Oh I know what y'all really want is some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head.

Taglines He's Tootsie... She's Dustin Hoffman

George You are psychotic!

Michael No, I'm not, I'm employed.

Sandy Lester Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party. My date left with someone else. I had a lot of fun. Do you have any Seconol?

Taglines What do you get when you cross a hopelessly straight starving actor with a dynamite red sequined dress? You get America's hottest new actress.

Michael Wait, I'll call you a cab.

Sandy Don't bother. It's cheaper to get mugged.

Jeff Slater Mike, I really appreciate you're doing this, but... it is just for the money, isn't it? It's not just so you can wear these little outfits?

George Where do you come off sending me your roommate's play for you to star in? I'm your agent, not your mother! I'm not supposed to find plays for you to star in - I'm supposed to field offers! And that's what I do!

Michael Field offers? Who told you that, the Agent Fairy? That was a significant piece of work - I could've been terrific in that part.

George Michael, nobody's gonna do that play.

Michael Why?

George Because it's a downer, that's why. Because nobody wants to produce a play about a couple that moved back to Love Canal.

Michael But that actually happened!

George Who gives a shit? Nobody wants to pay twenty dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste! They can see that in New Jersey!

Ron I'm afraid you're not right for this role. Thanks for coming by.

Dorothy Why am I not right, Mister Carlisle?

Ron I'm trying to make a certain statement and I'm looking for a specific physical type.

Dorothy Mr. Carlisle, I'm an actress. I'm a character actress. I can play it any way you want.

Ron I'm sure you're a very good actress. It's just that you're not threatening enough.

Dorothy Not threatening enough? Listen, you take your hands off me or I'll knee your balls right through the roof of your mouth! Is that enough of a threat?

Ron It's a start.

Dorothy Oh I know what y'all really want is some gross caricature of a woman to prove some idiotic point that power makes a woman masculine, or masculine women are ugly. Well shame on you for letting a man do that, or any man that does that. That means you, dear. Miss Marshall. Shame on you, you macho shit head.