Transamerica (2005) - Quotes

Toby: I'm not gonna marry you!

Bree: Glory Hallelujah.

Toby: How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat?

Calvin: Well, I guess it's because it keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a head band and a couple of eagle feathers.

Calvin: [''When Bree coughs after drinking [[w:mescal|mescal] That'll put hair on your chest.

Bree Osbourne: [''Clasps hands as if praying''] Hope not.

Bree: Have you lived all your life in New Mexico?

Calvin: Not yet...

Murray Osbourne: Are you sure you're all right, Stanley?

Elizabeth Osbourne: Fabulous. Never been better.

Murray Osbourne: Stanley...

Bree Osbourne: Bree. Sabrina Claire Osbourne.

Murray Osbourne: Look, we're gonna need more time with that. Your mother and I both love you-- But we don't respect you.

Elizabeth Osbourne: I'll never understand why you're doing this to me.

Bree Osbourne: I'm not doing anything to you. I'm gender dysphoric. It's a genetic condition.

Elizabeth Osbourne: [''Referring to Bree's sandwich construction''; [w:mayonnaise|mayonnaise] Don't try to blame your father and me for this. You shouldn't use so much ]. Are you trying to give yourself a heart attack? Let me do that! You know what I see when l look at you? I see a lost soul crying out for help. This would never have happened if you had only come to church when you were little, instead of going off to that synagogue of your father's.

Sydney: [''Appears''; ''Observes Bree''] Mom, Dad, there's this scruffy looking kid outside. Holy shit!

Elizabeth Osbourne: Language, Sydney!

Sydney: I don't fuckin believe it! Stanley!

Bree Osbourne: Bree. Bree.

Sydney: Well, Bree, I was hopin you'd show up one of these days, take some of the heat off me.

Bree Osbourne: It's nice to see you, too.

Sydney: If that kid out there's your boyfriend, I'm gonna slit my wrists. I need to talk to you in private. Oh, my God. He is! You lucky son of a- I mean, you lucky bitch!

Elizabeth Osbourne: Your boyfriend?! That filthy teenage juvenile delinquent who came to the door a second ago is your boyfriend?

Bree Osbourne: He happens to be a clean, healthy and respectable young man.

Elizabeth Osbourne: I don't want to hear any more about it. How old is he?

Bree Osbourne: 17.

Elizabeth Osbourne: Oh, my God, Murray, he's underage!

Bree Osbourne: Mom, he's my son.

Sydney: You're shittin me!

Bree Osbourne: Remember Emma Wilkins?

Sydney: What are you saying... is Emma here, too?

Bree Osbourne: She killed herself.

Sydney: [[w:Jesus H. Christ|Jesus; [w:Evil eye#In Judaism|Kinehora] ]! ]!

Elizabeth Osbourne: Are you trying to tell me that that boy who came to the door...

Bree Osbourne: He's your grandson.

Elizabeth Osbourne: My grandson. My grandson. Oh, dear God.

Bree Osbourne: He doesn't know anything, and I don't want him to.

Bree Osbourne: Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he wanted me!

Toby: [[w:Penis removal|cut your dick off] You're gonna ] for Jesus?

Bree Osbourne: They don't "cut it off!" It just becomes an innie instead of an outtie.

Toby: [[The Lord of the Rings] Did you know that ] is gay?

Bree Osbourne: I beg your pardon.

Toby: [[w:Mordor#Barad-dûr|this big, black tower; [w:Sauron#Eye of Sauron|this huge burning vagina thing; [w:Mordor#Mount Doom|this hot, steaming lava pit] There's ], right? And it points right at ], and it's like the symbol of ultimate evil. And then Sam and Frodo have to go to this cave and deposit their magic ring into ]. Only at the last minute, Frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites off his finger. Gay.

Wayne: School's gonna be closing in about fifteen minutes.

Toby: Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand?

Wayne: Sure - what subject?

Toby: [''Stands, pushes down his surfer shorts''] Sex education.

Toby: I'm out of cigarettes.

Bree Osbourne: [[w:Glossary of French words and expressions in English#Q|Quel dommage] ].

Toby: What's "quel dommage" mean?

Bree Osbourne: It means you're not getting any cigarettes.

Toby: And these shoes. Three dollars, a dollar fifty each. You know how much these things are worth in Japan?

Bree Osbourne: Three dollars?

Toby: Like 500 dollars. Japanese people kill for old Nikes.

Bree Osbourne: Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan.

Toby: Yeah, I'd probably be, like, disemboweled by a ninja.

Bree Osbourne: You don't have to say "like". "Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient. And please don't put your feet up on the dashboard.

Bree Osbourne: Fasten your seatbelt.

Toby: I don't like wearing them.

Bree Osbourne: Well I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs splattered all over the dashboard if we get into a wreck, God forbid, so put it on.

Dr. Spikowsky: How do you feel about your penis?

Bree Osbourne: It disgusts me. I don't even like looking at it.

Dr. Spikowsky: What about friends?

Bree Osbourne: They don't like it either.

Dr. Spikowsky: No, I mean do you have the support of friends?

Bree Osbourne: I'm very close to my therapist.

Dr. Spikowsky: What about your family?

Bree Osbourne: My family is dead.

Toby: Your parents house is a lot nicer.

Bree Osbourne: My parents house comes with my parents.

Bree Osbourne: I got a phone call last night from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system. He claimed to be Stanley's son.

Margaret: [''Brief pause''] No third-person.

Bree Osbourne: My son.

Murray Osbourne: Your mother and I both love you.

Elizabeth Osbourne: But we don't respect you!

Bree Osbourne: Eat your vegetables

Bree Osbourne: And might wanna use a fork. Just an idea.

Toby: Beauty is relative.

Bree Osbourne: Not my relatives.

Elizabeth Osbourne: Look at your life. You've never been able to stick to a decision. I mean, 10 years of college and not a single degree. How do you know you won't change your mind about this, too?

Bree Osbourne: Because I know.

Elizabeth Osbourne: Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please. I miss my son.

Bree Osbourne: Mom, you never had a son.

Elizabeth Osbourne: [''Crying''] How can you say such a thing?

Bree Osbourne: Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives.

Elizabeth Osbourne: We only tried to do the best for you.

Bree Osbourne: Is that why you tried to have me committed?

Elizabeth Osbourne: [''Shouting''] You tried to kill yourself!

Bree Osbourne: Because you tried to have me committed!

Elizabeth Osbourne: I don't know why you have to be so emotional.

Bree Osbourne: [''Shouting''; ''Normally''] I am not emotional! God, my cycle's all out of whack.

Elizabeth Osbourne: You don't have cycles!

Bree Osbourne: Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple little pills.

Bree Osbourne: Mr. Schupak. Ms. Schupak. I mean, Ms. Osbourne. I changed it.

Police Sergeant: Can I ask what your relationship is to the prisoner?

Bree Osbourne: Allegedly, I'm his... allegedly, he's my son.

Police Sergeant: This is a new one. According to this, he shoplifted a frog. Plus we have testimony that he was in possession of a small amount of a suspicious-looking white powder, although emergency services was unable to recover the evidence.

Bree Osbourne: Drugs? Is he an addict?

Police Sergeant: Most of em are.

Bree Osbourne: Most of whom are?

Police Sergeant: Are you aware that your son's been hustling on the streets working as a prostitute?

Bree Osbourne: How much is the bail?

Police Sergeant: Bail's set at one dollar.

Bree Osbourne: I can't possibly afford... one dollar?

Police Sergeant: Sabrina Claire Osbourne? Meet Toby Wilkins.

Bree Osbourne: Uh... my friends call me Bree.

Toby: [[w:Reformed Christianity|Jesus the reformer] ]?

Police Sergeant: [[w:Missionary|that sends missionaries out to guide street people back to God] That's one of these churches ].

Bree Osbourne: No. I'm... from the church of the potential father. I am a pilgrim I am a stranger travelin through.

Hipi hitch-hiker: [[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons] I'm a level 4 vegan. I don't eat anything that casts a shadow. (A joke, originally made in ])

Bree Osbourne: * After her sister picks a garish outfit for Bree to wear to a family dinner

Bree Osbourne: I'm a transsexual - not a transvestite.

Bree Osbourne: * To Toby when he asks what church she's from

Bree Osbourne: I'm from the Church of the Potential Father

Bree Osbourne: Shit! I mean, darn! I mean, shit!

Bree Osbourne: My body may be a work in progress, but there's nothing wrong with my soul.