Tusk Quotes

Howard Howe Mr. Tusk...why do you blubber so? Are you really mourning your loss of humanity? I don't understand. Who in the hell would want to be human? God Almighty... In all of my travels, ]. And my vessel, she lists, leaking.

Howard Howe Yes...isn't this soothing to the soul? You know, if I close my eyes, I can almost imagine being back on Ponder Rock. I knew peace in this twisted, hateful world. I miss our little paradise, Mr. Tusk. This is just a poor facsimile of the magical enclave from when we first became good friends. You remember? Until that...terrible day. Man feeds on the meat and sinew of the helpless until we are all...alone. We survive at all costs only to butcher again and again until we ourselves are at last butchered in turn. You were not prepared for me last time, Mr. Tusk. You were not ready for the fight. But this time, it will be different...because I have hardened you. Just to show you how cruel man can really be. And if I have truly brought out the walrus in you...this time...you might just prevail.

Howard Howe Oh, how I have missed you, Mr. Tusk. How I've missed our merry times together on Ponder Rock. I've regretted every day of my return to this wretched...civilization. This anxious, silly world, with all the banality of a breakfast cereal. The worst of man has long been fetid with greed and indifference. The best of man has long been lobotomized by reality television. I never should have left the wilderness. I never should have left you. This writhing nest of two-legged bipeds. Each devouring the other to stay alive. And I betrayed you. For what? Man's world? An immoral cesspool, boded with the wayward, and the destitute.

Howard Howe (last words) It is accomplished. You are my...Mr. Tusk.

Howard Howe Ahoy, matey! You know...it has occurred to me. If you are to fulfill your destiny...if you are to be a true walrus. Well, Mr. Tusk...a walrus must learn to swim.

Border Agent When you're visiting the Great White North of Canada, you got your Canado's and your Canadon'ts. Right there, top shelf, number one: don't go tellin a Canadian you don't follow hockey.

Wallace Bryton Of course. I should have known that. It makes them sad, right?

Border Agent Canadians don't get sad. Sadness was made by the USA.

Wallace Bryton Oh, c'mon, what does that mean?

Border Agent Take off, it's true! Right there, on our flag. It's right there when you look at it, and you see past that sacred maple leaf, you know what you see?

Wallace Bryton A white wall.

Border Agent You see that, in America, you're red white and blue, but in Canada, you're red, white, but never blue, eh? Ever.

Wallace Bryton Gotcha. That's actually... I never thought of it that way before. I just thought of Canadians as, you know... nice.

Border Agent Well, that right there is another Canadon't. We're not nice, we're optimistic. There's a difference.

Howard Howe There, there...it'll be alright. It'll be alright, Mr. Tusk.

Wallace Bryton How far is Bifrost from here?

Girl Clerk #1 It's aboot two hours from here.

Wallace Bryton It's "aboot" two hours away.

Girl Clerk #2 I hate American guys.

Howard Howe (narration of his letter) Hello, I am an old man who has enjoyed a long and storied life at sea. I am a proud Canadian who has traveled a peculiar path lo these many years. And after eons of oceanic adventure, I find myself a landlubber, with Manitoba as my final port. I know I do not wish to spend my remaining years alone in a giant house. Not when I have such stories to share. So to this end, I'm offering a room for rent in my stately woodland home. This arrangement will be free of charge, providing you to perform the simple household chores I can no longer tend to from the confines of this accursed wheelchair. But though I may be old, I have lived. And I will tell you all about my many adventures, in vivid detail. Please feel free to call me at the number below. Respectfully, Howard Howe.

Howard Howe You are a kitchen witch of only good fortune.

Howard Howe You've lasted longer than the rest. You would kill me if you could. You want to. Your survival instincts...have kicked in. But...so have mine!

Howard Howe Oh, there, there, there, Mr. Tusk. There, there, I understand. It is very hard to be the elephant of the deep blue sea.

Guy LaPointe The unted is always "mister", the unter is always "monsieur".

Wallace Bryton I don't wanna die in ]!

Guy LaPointe You just had to have the second slider. You just HAD to HAVE the second slider. Oof...

Howard Howe Is man truly a walrus at heart?

Howard Howe I think that the real savage animals are the human beings.

Howard Howe I'm so very tired, Mr. Tusk. Battered by a life of cruel fate...poor decisions...and the terrible consequences of both.

Howard Howe WALRUSES DO NOT CRY!!!

Ally Leon He hasn’t called me in 3 days. I’m worried...

Howard Howe Yes... Now go to the fish, Mr. Tusk. Take the mackerel. FEED...

Ally Leon But you...you bring me back. You make me feel beautiful again and cherished. You give me my humanity.

Ally Leon It's good to cry. It separates us from the animals. Shows you have a soul.

Guy LaPointe Oh, yes... It is one fuck of a bummer to look at, I can tell you that.

Howard Howe Some years back, I was rescued from the island of Ponder Rock. A mere hour after I had butchered my sweet savior walrus...in order to live. I marked this occasion for fifteen years now...by allowing my flippered friend the fighting chance he never had. So...you will fight me like a walrus! Or you will die!!

Howard Howe So just as I had to kill you back on Ponder Rock, you have a terrible choice to make here. You have to kill me...if you want to live. And if you live, you will be as a walrus...that you almost are. So...either you go full walrus...or this!

Howard Howe Never be ashamed of fear, Mr. Bryton. Fear is the unelected governor that keeps our actions moral.

Howard Howe Your life as you knew it is over, Mr. Bryton. Should you wish to continue living, you will be a walrus...or you will be nothing at all.

Wallace Bryton I'm so scared. This guy wants to turn me into an animal or something...

Howard Howe Now...shall we dispense with the chuffa, Mr. Bryton? Perhaps it'd be best, in this, our burgeoning relationship to reveal our hearts with absolute candor. You see...for some time now...I've been constructing a very realistic walrus suit. And I believe with a few modifications, it will fit you just perfectly. But...whilst in the walrus suit, you must be a walrus. There'll be no sounds of a human voice. You must communicate everything you do as a walrus. Do you understand?

Howard Howe Well, someone's looking for Wallace! Yes...it must be nice to know that somebody cares about you that much. Just what I felt on the island with Mr. Tusk. He was the only living thing that ever had my best interests at heart. As a child, I was not cared for so much as I was...filed away, like a document. A document fed into a shredding machine and fueled by the blood of the innocent. You see, I am a ]. Now, ] was the Premier of Quebec in those days. He was the head of the ] and with strong ties to the ]. As a matter of fact, it was in collusion with these charlatans of the Lord that Duplessis brought upon ] ]. The Great Darkness. As a boy of 10, my mother and father took me to ]. I had never seen anything so beautiful and bright and big and wonderful in my life. But when night falls in Montreal, the monsters come out to play. We were walking to dinner and were accosted by brigands in a back alley. My father was stabbed several times with the mugger's knife and my mother's throat was slashed as if she were cattle. I was placed in an abandoned boys home in Quebec. Boys whose lives had been destroyed. Provinces were responsible financially for all of the orphanages. The government was responsible for the mental institutions. So Duplessis and the Church, they came up with a scheme to obtain more money by reclassifying the orphanages as mental health-care facilities. And when nobody raised their voice in protest, why, they just shut down the orphanages and sent all the children, including me, to insane asylums. And so for the next five years, I was tortured, I was beaten, I was raped. I have had things in my mouth that no human being should ever taste. They never thought of me as a person. They just thought to use me. And use me they did. Priests, politicians...all ]. Even the nurses and nuns and night watchmen. All of them witches, all there to satisfy their most base...physical and financial desires...through the lips and rectum of a child. So with no one to answer to for their horrid crimes, these devils ran amuck with my innocence. But at age 15, I escaped Canada. Got on a boat, went to the United States, and never looked back. Until now. Yes...man is a savage animal, Mr. Bryton. Better to be a walrus.