Up in Smoke (1978) - Quotes

Taglines: It will make you feel VERY funny!

Sgt. Stedenko: Some asshole pissed on my leg!

Sgt. Stedenko: Now just how well do you know that freak with the basketball?

Unknown: Which basketball?

Sgt. Stedenko: Which basketball?

Sgt. Stedenko: The only kind of meat a priest could eat on Friday was nun.

Toyota Kawasaki: This is Toyota Kawasaki here at the Mexican-United States border.

Pedro: I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?

Man Stoner: Tied stick?

Pedro: Yeah, you know that stuff that's tied to a stick.

Man Stoner: Ohh, THAI stick.

Man Stoner: [on police radio] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?

Clyde - Narc: Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive... we are...

Sgt. Stedenko: Use the codename! The codename!

Clyde - Narc: Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. This is Codename Hardhead.

Sgt. Stedenko: Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.

Man Stoner: Was that Lardass?

Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?

Man Stoner: Hey, I got somethin for ya, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Hard... Hat! Do you understand?

Pedro: Lardass, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko: Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?

Pedro: Naw, who is this is?

Sgt. Stedenko: This is Sergeant Stedenko!

Pedro: Oh yeah, you know who this is?

Sgt. Stedenko: No!

Pedro: Bye-bye, Lardass!

Toyota Kawasaki: Sgt. Stedenko, what are you exactly looking for?

Sgt. Stedenko: Dope, drugs, weed, grass, toot, smack, quackers, uppers, downers, all arounders. You name it, we want it!

Arnold Stoner: [to wife, off camera; to Anthony "Man", as he makes a fruit smoothie] Sweetheart, I'll talk to him. Son, your mother and me would like for you to cozy up to the Finkelstein boy. He's a bright kid, and, uh... he's going to military school, and... remember, he was an Eagle Scout...

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: Arnold...

Arnold Stoner: [shouting as his wife continues] Will you shut up? We're going to have a family brawl!

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: ...and a retard!

Arnold Stoner: [Anthony starts blender; Anthony turns off blender and pours contents into tall glass; Anthony drinks from glass as his father shouts] We've put up with a hell of a lot. Can this wait? Build your goddamn muscles, huh? You know, you could build your muscles picking strawberries. You know, bend and scoop... like the Mexicans. Shit, maybe I could get you a job with United Fruit! I got a buddy with United Fruit. Get you started. Start with strawberries, you might work your way up to these goddamn bananas! When, boy? When... are you going to get your act together?

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [in disgust] Gross!

Arnold Stoner: [rubs his forehead with his hand; turns to his son; Anthony walks away and gives an obscene gesture behind his back] Oh, good God Almighty me. I think he's the Antichrist. Anthony, I want to talk to you. Now, listen! Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you! You get a goddamn job before sundown...

Mrs. Tempest Stoner: [pointing to Anthony as he walks away] Is that some kind of peace sign?

Arnold Stoner: [turns away in frustration] ...or we're shipping you off to military school with that... goddamn Finkelstein... shit kid! Son of a BITCH!

Man Stoner: [discovered, roach on an ashtray] El roacho.

Arnold Stoner: Dear God, almighty me... I think he's the Antichrist.

Curtis: This shit is so bad, it'll put a hump on a camel's back.

Man Stoner: No, hey, man, if we're gonna wear uniforms, man, you know let's have everybody wear something different.

Pedro: Yea, that's it. Yea, we want something where everybody wears something different, man, but the same, you know?

Man Stoner: [Pedro starts toking on the giant joint; Pedro starts choking] Toke, toke it up, man! Kinda grabs ya by the boo-boo, don't it?

Man Stoner: Hey, hey, don't take those, man.

Pedro: Wha...?

Man Stoner: I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.

Pedro: Hey, man, I already took em, man.

Man Stoner: [laughing in astonishment] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...

Pedro: Hey, whaddaya mean "ho ho ho ho ho"?

Man Stoner: Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!

Pedro: Hey, what was that shit, man?

Man Stoner: You just take the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!

Pedro: Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.

Man Stoner: Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...

Pedro: Hey, I've seen those guys walking around my neighborhood that took too much acid, man. The one guy, his head's swelled up like a pumpkin...

Man Stoner: [referring to the acid Pedro took] No, that's good acid, man.

Pedro: Another time, there was this guy...

Man Stoner: Ohhh! Ohhh!

Pedro: Hey, man, how far you goin', man?

Man Stoner: [points to the curb] Oh, right here would be fine, man!

Pedro: Oh, you ain't scared of a little speed, are ya, man?

Man Stoner: Wha, you got some speed, man?

Pedro: Huh? Oh. Speed? Uh, no, I ain't got no speed, man. But you know what I do got, though, man? I got a joint, man!

Man Stoner: Oh, wow. Alright.

Pedro: [gets it out and hands it to Man] Here, light that thing up, man, let's get Chinese-eyed, man.

Man Stoner: [eyeing the joint] What kind of joint is this, man?

Pedro: Oh, it's a heavy duty joint, man.

Man Stoner: Looks like a toothpick, man.

Pedro: Naw, it's not a toothpick, man.

Man Stoner: Hey, it IS a toothpick, man.

Pedro: [looking at it, puzzled; feels around in his pocket; feels around some more; hands a skinny, curled up joint to Man] Aw, man, it's... it IS a toothpick! I must got it in another pocket, man. Hold on, I got the shit right here, man. Oh, that's my dick. Yeah, there we go. Hey, there you go, man. Light that sucker up, man. And go to the moon.

Man Stoner: [looking at a dinky little joint] Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

Pedro: Hey, man, you wanna get out and walk, man?

Pedro: Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.

Man Stoner: What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?

Pedro: My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.

Man Stoner: [to Pedro, who is in the throes of panic] HEY! MELLOW OUT, MAN!

Arresting Officer: [to Man] And what is your name, sir?

Pedro: Whut? I told you my name, man!

Arresting Officer: [to Man] Sir... what's YOUR name?

Pedro: [to Man] Hey, man! The dude wants to know your name, man!

Pedro: Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!

Arresting Officer: Sir, could I please see your license?

Pedro: Whuut?

Arresting Officer: Your license. Where's your license?

Pedro: My license? It's on the bumper, man, back there, man!

Arresting Officer: No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.

Pedro: [gets the license with great difficulty; laughs] Oh. Oh, yeah, I got my driver's license, man... Hey, I thought'a somethin really funny, man... Your mother!

Arresting Officer: [after dirty look, of course] Sir, what's your name?

Pedro: Uuhhh... Isn't it on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...

Pedro: [laughing while stoned] Way anchor! How much does it weigh? I don't know, I forgot! Pffhhh! Ha-ha, I saw that in a movie once...!

Man Stoner: Yeah, I know, but listen. I slept in a ditch last night, man, I almost froze my balls off, man.

Pedro de Pacas: Hey, I didn't think you had any, man. I wouldn't even have stopped.

Pedro: It's punk rock, Man! We can do that; we can be punks, Man!

Strawberry: Ahhh, look at that, man, the great outdoors, huh!

Pedro: Yeah, the great outdoors...

Man Stoner: Yeah, that Nam grass will fuck anyone up, man!

Man Stoner: Man, my legs hurt.

Pedro: Yeah, I bet!

Border Guard: So, how long you've been in Mexico?

Pedro: A week. I mean a day.

Border Guard: Well, which is it? A week or a day?

Pedro: A weekday.

Pedro: Man, what is in this shit, man?

Man Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui, man.

Pedro: Yeah?

Man Stoner: But it's got some Labrador in it.

Pedro: What's Labrador?

Man Stoner: It's dog shit.

Pedro: What?

Man Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man. I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man.

Pedro: Yeah?

Man Stoner: So I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?

Pedro: You mean we're smokin dog shit, man?

Man Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?

Man Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?

Pedro: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Cop: What do you guys want?

Pedro: Nothing.

Cop: Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?

Pedro: [the cop takes a huge bite] Huh? No, man, here, take the whole thing. Want some fritos?

Cop: [through a mouthful of hot dog] No, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?

Man Stoner: Hey, man, what was that dude's trip? I mean, what was he on, man?

Pedro: Man, I don't know, but I wish we had some of it!

Man: You wanna get high, man?

Pedro: Does Howdy Doody have wooden Balls, man?

Pedro: Hey, man, am I driving okay?

Man Stoner: [looks around] I think we're parked, man.