What We Do in the Shadows Quotes

Deacon You can't go to the Ball as ]. He's a Vampire Hunter.

Viago Yeah, but Vampires love ].

Nick The movie '. Have you seen it? Okay, I'm the main in Twilight'. You know the main guy? Twilight? That's me.

Vladislav Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the Internet! I'm bidding on a table.

Vladislav We're vampires. We don't put down towels.

Deacon The neighbours can see you flying around the house. Do you want to draw attention to this house, hmm?

Nick You've got a whole documentary group following you around.

Deacon I'm doing an erotic dance for my friends. You ruined it. I was in the zone. My friends were loving it.

Vladislav At first I wanted to kill him, but now I'm glad I spent time to get to know him.

Viago Some people freak out a bit about the age difference. Uhh… they think What's this 96-year-old lady doing with a guy 4 times her age?'.

Deacon I don't think Nick should have become a vampire. He's such a dick.

Deacon One message received. "Ther iz a crucifx behind you".

Vladislav Are you a virgin?

Jackie Yes.

Nick Umm, no.

Jackie You were a virgin when we were seeing each other.

Nick Yeah, I was 12.

Nick Twilight!

Deacon Shut up, Nick! You're not Twilight.

Viago So it's 6pm in the nighttime, which is when I wake up. This is always really scary part for me Yes! Nighttime.

Nick At the start I was like Oh no, like I'm– I'm dead'. It's kinda affected my friendship with normal people and my family and stuff. But the way I see it I have a whole new family who accept me for who I am, and I accept them for who they are…even though one of them killed me.

Deacon Let us do the Procession of Shame now.

Viago, Deacon, Vladislav Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Bad Vampire.

Deacon When you become a vampire, you become very…sexy.

Vladislav Ooh! Bat Fight!

Nick I can't eat solids now. Great. What, I can't sunbathe? I can't watch daytime TV? I can…well I guess I could. M-More than anything, it’s just the chips. That’s my favourite food and I can't eat chips. It's– I don't– It's just– I hate– I’ll say it. I'm over being a vampire now. It's shit, so don't…don't believe the hype.

Viago One year I went to the Unholy Masquerade dressed as ] from ] and ]'. Didn't go down so well because she was a nun. Weird. Vampires don't like nuns.

Deacon I think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.

Vladislav I think of it like this. If you're going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it.

Viago Yeah, some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone, and then you think Ooh, those are some nice pants!'.

Anton, Werewolf Leader Hey hey hey. Don't swear. We're werewolves, not Swear-Wolves. What are we?

Werewolves Werewolves, not Swear-Wolves.

Deacon This is what happens when you're a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe. Or making the simple mistake of fashioning a mask out of crackers and being attacked by ducks, geese, swans. Or even dying of old age, but even old age is brutal. Watching your friends grow old. They can't piss, and they say stupid things, and their brains go, and they can't remember anything. And then one day they can't even remember who you are, and you wish they were dead, and then they do die.

Vladislav The point is, Deacon, you have not done the dishes for 5 years!

Viago Vladislav is right, it's unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like there.

Vladislav I'm so embarrassed when people come over here.

Deacon Why does it matter? You bring them over, you kill them! Vampires don't do dishes!