Where the Buffalo Roam Quotes

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Well I guess if I had to swear one way or another, I'd say Lazlo wasn't insane. He just had very strange rhythms. But he stomped on the terra. Lord Buckley said that. It's hard to say he got what he deserved, because he never really got anything, at least not in this story. And right now, this story is all we have ... It's sad. But what's really sad is it never got weird enough for me. I moved to the country when the boat got too crowded. Then I learned that President Nixon had been eaten by white cannibals on an island near Tijuana for no good reason at all. Golly, you hear a lot of savage and unnatural things about people these days. Lazlo and Nixon are both gone now, but I don't think I'm going to believe that til I can gnaw on their skulls with my very own teeth. Fuck those people, huh? If they're out there, I'm going to find them, and I'm going to gnaw on their skulls. Because it still hasn't gotten weird enough for me.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson What was that noise?

Marty Lewis What noise?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson ] Get the tap off the goddamn telephone! Do you think you're playing with children here?!

Taglines I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone... but they've always worked for me.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson ] mannequin] Bronco ... Nixon.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson You were looking for a bomb in a pack of cigarettes?

Taglines Based on the twisted legend of Hunter S. Thompson

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Marty, where the hell you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Marty Lewis You are not registered at your hotel. Your rental car is reported stolen. Personally I couldn't give a shit, but you owe me a story.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Is it due? Am I late?

Marty Lewis You've got a deadline in 19 hours. Now where's my story?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson It's right in there. I'm working on it. Great, too. It's developing very fast. I think it could be the best thing I've ever done. All I've got to do now is write it up.

Marty Lewis ] Write it up. You have 19 hours.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson You move like a cat, Marty

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson No need to panic. I'll just lash together a few raw facts, a little bit of old Negro wisdom, and this nightmare is over.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson There, chew on that gibberish for awhile, you heartless scum!

Carl Lazlo, Esq. As your attorney, I advise you to leave this room at once.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Hi sir, it's Harris from the Post. Can I get you anything sir?

Candidate How's the family Harris?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Oh the family, well that's bad news. The screwheads finally came and took my daughter away. Let me ask you a question sir, what is this country doing for the doomed? There are two kinds of people in this country, the doomed and the screwheads. Savage tribal thugs who live off their illegal incomes, burrowed deep out there; no respect for human dignity. They don't know what you and I understand, you know what I mean.

Candidate You ever play football, Harris?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Yes sir, thank you sir. I played in college, and they're gonna get your daughter too sir. I've heard their rallies, they like Julie but Tricia... and they really hate you sir. You know that one and a half of the State Senate of Utah are screwheads. You know I was never really frightened by the bopheads and the potheads with their silliness never really frightened me either, but these goddam screwheads, they terrify me. And the poor doomed, the young, and the silly, the honest, the weak, the Italians ... they're doomed, they're lost, they're helpless, they're somebody else's meal, they're like pigs in the wilderness.

Candidate Come here Harris, come here. Fuck the doomed!

Carl Lazlo, Esq. As your ex-attorney, I advise you not to worry.

Chauffeur Sir? Hey, sir. Hey sir!

Chauffeur Sir, is anything wrong?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson My head!

Chauffeur Your head?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Who sent you here? Give me some answers ... straight answers.

Chauffeur Yeah, okay, what do you want to know.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Where am I?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson He became a man the day of the greatest game he ever played. Everything he ever knew about common decency and morality he learned that day in December from Alan "The Horse" Ameche; and today in the Superbowl he would earn his wings. The crowd had assembled; a crowd of America's elite. Toyata salesmen from all around the country—orientals and even those suspected of being orientals—stacked on the thirty yard line watching him sweat and wipe caked blood from his face. The Gallow brothers—Ernest and Julio—party guys who had skinned a few Mexicans and forced them to carry them on their shoulders down to the pre-game tailgate parties at the colosseum. The Pepsi and Coca Cola bottlers of America—Coke adds life; It's the real thing—bombarded by missiles; flying flaming matchbook covers. The waterheads from General Motors up in the top seats where they belong; getting the worst of the pollution. All sorts of weird motherfuckers were at the game.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Super Sunday. Dawn. My recollections of the last twelve hours are very dim. All that I know for certain is that shortly after I checked in, two third-world drug abusers disguised as hotel employees forced their way into my room; ransacked it, drank all my liquor, did all my drugs, stole my dinner. If the security precautions aren't beefed up at this hotel; I'm looking for safer accommodations. It's a sad state of affairs when this reporter has to go heavily armed to breakfast.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Dr. Thompson, Blast magazine. I hope you have my suite ready because I need some supplies sent up right away. I'm going to need an IBM Selectric, heavy duty; a Xerox telecopier, the 516 model. Uh, I'm also going to need one of those Sony cassettees, big mother, 1800 ... lots of white paper, heavy bond, Bic pens, medium point blue ...

Hotel clerk Sir! Please!

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson May as well get the room service cracking. Give me three crab louies for starters. A quart of Chivas, lots of ice, quart of mezcal, 16 grapefruit ...

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson You couldn't invent someone like Carl Lazlo. He was a ... he was one of a kind. He was a mutant. A real heavyweight water buffalo type ... who could chew his way through a concrete wall and spit out the other side covered with lime and chalk and look good in doing it.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson I was a working journalist, a hired geek of sorts, and Lazlo was great copy and sometimes a great lawyer. It was a fast, strange time and we worked in a fast, strange ways.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson That's a good question. Let me see ...

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson In my case, you know, I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Restaurant cashier Sir, you can't come in here looking like that.

Carl Lazlo, Esq. I'm the president of the United States and I can do what I want.

Carl Lazlo, Esq. You're really getting all this?

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson I'm a total professional.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson I hate to advocate alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone but they've always worked for me.

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Let me recommend ... ah, try blue.

Nurse Cookie Really? Wow!

Dr. Hunter S. Thompson Little bugger gets right on top of you doesn't it?