The 9 Worst Ways to Die in the 'Jurassic Park' Movies
by Jesse Schedeen
"Jurassic Park" and its sequels all serve as cautionary tales about man's hubris and the indomitable power of nature. Which is a fancy way of saying they feature puny humans being served up as Alpo for dinos. There are many terrible ways to die in the "JP" universe, but these nine are the absolute worst. Hold onto your butts.
Devoured by a Baby T-Rex
As seen in: "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997) The nice thing about the "Jurassic Park" universe is that the slimy businessmen always meet the most gruesome ends. John Hammond's sleazy nephew enjoyed a very fitting final bow when he was eaten alive by the baby T-Rex he tried to take to the U.S. aboard a freighter. Baby T-Rex took to this guy like dogs to Ramsey Bolton's face.
Failed Industrial Espionage
As seen in: "Jurassic Park" (1993) That devious Nedry thought he had all the angles worked out. But elite hacking skills and a nifty can of shaving cream don't count for much when you're lost in the jungle with a giant, hungry, acid-spitting lizard. Nedry should have said the magic word: Please (don't eat me!).
'Rescued' By a Spinosaurus
As seen in: "Jurassic Park III" (2001) Poor Cooper. He made it to the runway and thought rescue was a few, short seconds away. Instead, he got swallowed up by the newest and biggest dinosaur on the block -- screwing up everyone else's day in the process.
Torn in Half by T-Rexes
As seen in: "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997) From the first moment we saw two adult T-Rexes roaming the jungles of Isla Sorna, we knew that some unlucky sap was going to get double-teamed by these guys. That unlucky sap turned out to be Carr, who was just trying to rescue his friends from certain doom. Apparently the "T" in "T-Rex" stands for "teamwork."
A Disarming Situation
As seen in: "Jurassic Park" (1993) At a critical point in the original "Jurassic Park," Samuel L. Jackson's John Arnold chose to rise from his computer terminal and take action to save the park. We never heard from him again, unless you count Dr. Sattler discovering his severed arm. That's going to make it a lot harder to hold onto his butt.
Chewed to Death by Compies
As seen in: "The Lost World: Jurassic Park" (1997) This is why you never tazer a dinosaur. Especially the cute ones. Just ask Stark, who literally got nibbled to death by the smallest dinosaur species that ever roamed the Earth.
Visiting the Raptor Cage
As seen in: "Jurassic Park" (1993) The death of this hapless maintenance worker offered us an early glimpse of just how crafty and bloodthirsty those damned raptors are. Next time, when Muldoon says, "Shoooooot her!!!", hopefully his men will listen. Seriously -- 'the hell were they waiting for?!
'When You Gotta Go...'
As seen in: "Jurassic Park" (1993) No matter how many idiots get eaten by vengeful dinos in the world of "Jurassic Park," it's very difficult to top the tragic demise of cowardly lawyer Donald Gennaro. He probably should have just held it until after the tour.
Going Above Your Job Description
As seen in: "Jurassic World" (2015) It's bad enough when your personal assistant job forces you to babysit the boss' two unruly nephews because she is too damn busy. But once the dinosaurs escape their cages, it's probably best to start polishing up your resume. Unless you want to end up like poor Zara here, who was mercilessly attacked by a flock of Pteranodons and then devoured by a Mosasaurus. It is the most misogynistic and excessive death ever for such a minor character. If anyone deserves to be chomped, it is her boss for not wanting to be an aunt for two damn minutes.
