Memorable Quotes from Aisha Tyler
4 quotesThanking Santa for His Hospitality
Mother Nature
Santa? Santa? Are you with us?
Scott
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.
Mother Nature
Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the entire Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
Tooth Fairy
Hear, hear.
Easter Bunny
What a lovely place.
Cupid
Hear, hear.
Mother Nature
And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. Tooth Fairy.
[bangs gavel]
Tooth Fairy
Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to, again, propose a new name for myself.
Cupid
Come on!
Mother Nature
Good heavens!
Tooth Fairy
In the past, you have rejected "Tooth Man", "Tooth Guy" and "Tooth".
Cupid
Because they stunk.
Tooth Fairy
Today, I'd like to submit..."Captain Floss".
Cupid
Nice!
Tooth Fairy
Plaque Man".
Easter Bunny
D'oh!
Tooth Fairy
And "Roy".
Cupid
Roy". No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
[laughs ironically]
Tooth Fairy
This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.
Scott
Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? "]
[[w:The Terminator|The Molinator.]
Tooth Fairy
The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator?
[raises his hand]
Mother Nature
All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? All right. And all opposed? Easter Bunny? Sandman?
[Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands; she and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand; Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down]
Sandman
What? W-What happened? Was I asleep again?
[snorts]
Mother Nature
Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes, or no?
Sandman
No. I'm sorry.
Mother Nature
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.
Scott
Okay. Well, first off, welcome, you all, to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.
Easter Bunny
Oh! I love Charlie.
Father Time
Great kid.
Mother Nature
Good boy.
Sandman
Sweet kid.
Tooth Fairy
Good teeth.
Scott
Well, Charlie...got himself on the naughty list.
Tooth Fairy
What?
[shocked]
Mother Nature
Oh, my.
[shocked]
Scott
I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also gotta try to take care of Charlie, and--
Sandman
That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.
Easter Bunny
Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
Scott
Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.
Easter Bunny
Hmm?
Scott
Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny
WHAT?!
Mother Nature
No!
Scott
The de-Santafication process has already begun.
Easter Bunny
Wait a minute. You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?
[hops to Santa]
Everyone
You're right. You're right.
Scott
Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.
Mother Nature
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.
Scott
No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--
Father Time
27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.
Easter Bunny
Wow.
Father Time
It's what I do.
[chuckles]
Scott
Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.
Cupid
What do you need, pal?
Scott
Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?
Cupid
All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.
Scott
Why not?
Cupid
Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, met a nice girl, left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.
Easter Bunny
Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.
Scott
I don't wanna stop being Santa Claus.
Easter Bunny
Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.
Tooth Fairy
He's absolutely right.
Scott
This is all I wanna do. What am I gonna do?
Father Time
Well, y-y-- you can't be in two places at once.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Awakening from Sleep in Winter's Embrace
Mother Nature
Sandman!
[bangs the gavel]
Sandman
I'm up. I'm up!
[wakes up suddenly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jack Frost's Charges and Misunderstandings
Mother Nature
Jack Frost, you are hereby charged with 273 counts of attempted upstaging of Santa Claus. You froze a volcano in Hawaii, you made it snow in the Amazon, and you frosted Mexico, sending all of the geese north for the winter.
Jack
Oh.
[scoffs]
Mother Nature
You have violated the Legendary Figures Code of Conduct in a manner that is both willful and malicious.
Jack
Excuse me, did you just accuse me of being skillful and delicious?
Scott
Oh, please.
Jack
Guilty as charged.
Father Time
Frost, you herald a season. You're not a holiday.
Tooth Fairy
You're the best friend, not the leading man.
Easter Bunny
And you kill fruit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Family Crisis Unfolds in a Closet
Lucy
Uncle Scott!
Scott
Lucy, what's happened?
Curtis
I found her locked in a closet.
Scott
What's wrong?
Lucy
You've gotta see what Jack Frost did to my mom and dad.
Scott
It's gonna be okay.
Jack
Ow. Yeah, and?
Scott
Elficers, I have him. Jack, this isn't funny. Unfreeze the parents right now.
[to Jack; sternly]
Jack
No way, Claus. I can't unfreeze them without unfreezing myself and that is something I'll never do.
Scott
Mother Nature, help me out here. Can you thaw him out?
Mother Nature
I'm sorry, Santa. Our powers don't work on other legendary figures.
Jack
Isn't that a shame?
[chuckles]
Scott
What do you say, Luce?
[looks at Lucy and walks to her]
Lucy
Do you think it'll work?
Scott
The question is, do you?
Jack
Okay. This is what you're reduced to. Sending a little girl in to save the day? Whatcha gonna do, adorable-ize me? Sweet me into submission? Cute me to death? Make me change my WAY-?! Hey, I feel so strange. I feel so slushy inside. Do I smell suntan lotion? I feel so tropical. Miguel, dos platos de nachos, por favor? What's happening to me?!
[Lucy hugs him; starts heating up; purrs; translation: Miguel, two plates of nachos, please?]
Lucy
I'm warming your heart.
Jack
But they told me it couldn't be done.
Lucy
But they didn't know about magical hugs.
Jack
I think I like it.
[smiles; sincerely]
Lucy
Mom, Dad!
Laura
Lucy!
Neil
Group hug! Feel the love.
[everyone joins in for a group hug]
Laura
Yes.
Carol
Oh, Scott, I think it's time.
[the baby is about to be born]
Scott
Oh, about 10:00.
[checks his watch, not noticing]
Carol
I think it's time to deliver "the package".
Scott
Midnight as usual.
[obliviously]
Carol
No, I think it's time to deliver "the package". Yeah.
[Scott looks down at Carol's abdomen, then suddenly raises his head and widens his eyes in slightly alarmed realization]
Scott
IT'S TIME TO DELIVER THE PACKAAAAAAGE!! Baby's on the way!
[finally understanding what Carol meant; he and the elves pushed Carol on a sled to the hospital in full speed]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.