Memorable Quotes from Albert Brooks
29 quotesSelf-Acceptance as a Foundation for Relationships
Daniel Miller
You have to be okay with yourself before you can ever be okay with anyone else
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Emphasizing Issues in Political Conversations
Tom
Now look, you have to emphasize the mandatory welfare program. That's the issue that should be pushed.
Betsy
First push the man, then the issue. Senator Palantine is a dynamic man, an intelligent, interesting, fresh, fascinating...
Tom
Forgot sexy.
Betsy
...man. I did not forget sexy.
Tom
Listen to what you're saying. You sound like you're selling mouthwash.
Betsy
We are selling mouthwash.
Tom
Are we authorized to do that?
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Brain Usage Comparison Between Characters
Bob Diamond
For example, I use forty-eight percent of my brain. Do you know how much you use?
Daniel Miller
Forty... seven?
Bob Diamond
Three.
[laughs]
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A Deal with Consequences and Safety
Bernie Rose
Here's what I'm prepared to offer: you give me the money, the girl is safe. Forever. Nobody knows about her. She's off the map. I can't offer you the same. So, this is what I would suggest. We conclude our deal. We'll shake hands. You start the rest of your life. Any dreams you have, or plans, or hopes for your future... I think you're going to have to put that on hold. For the rest of your life you're going to be looking over your shoulder. I'm just telling you this because I want you to know the truth. But the girl is safe.
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Reflections on Work and Personal Connections
Daniel Miller
I was driving to work this morning thinking I will be here, in two months, it'll be ten years. And, you're like my real family. Isn't that tragic? I got a call from my mother this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday, and hinted around the fact that I wasn't making enough money, if you can call, Are you still making that same salary, honey? a hint. And my ex-wife used to say the same thing, although she never used the word honey'. So, maybe in three years I can double my income?... Four years? Okay. So, you're great people to work with, and this is a great present, and I wish I could squeeze all of you into one pretty woman. And if you'd like to go to my office, I'll try. Thanks a lot.
[laughter; laughter; laughter; laughter; laughter]
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Cultural Tensions in a Restaurant Setting
Nino
Fuck you eating chink food in my fucking restaurant?
Bernie Rose
What's a Jew doing running a pizzeria?
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The Art of Narrating News
Aaron Altman
The pointers were great, I'll study the tape.
Tom Grunick
Just remember that you're not just reading the news, you're narrating it. Everybody has to sell a little. You're selling them this idea of you, you know, you're sort of saying, trust me I'm, um, credible. So when you feel yourself just reading, stop! Start selling a little.
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Meeting of Unlikely Allies
Shannon
Kid, I want you to meet Mr. Bernie Rose!
Bernie Rose
Nice to meet you.
[Sticks out his hand to shake; Driver does not take it]
Driver
My hands are a little dirty.
Bernie Rose
So are mine.
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The Allure of Insecurity and Desperation
Aaron Altman
Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?
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Curiosity About Jeep Ownership Explained
Daniel Miller
Why do you do this?
Jeep Owner
What?
Daniel Miller
I'm curious. I see people driving these things. What do you know that I don't? Are floods coming in? Hoover Dam broke? What's going on?
Jeep Owner
I like this car.
Daniel Miller
It's not a car, it's a battering ram. This is what Patton drove: "Hey you, soldier! Follow us!
Jeep Owner
Make fun, but in an 8.5 earthquake, you'll beg for a Jeep.
Daniel Miller
In an 8.5 earthquake, I'll beg for a coffin.
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Exploring the Afterlife: Heaven and Hell
Daniel Miller
Is this Heaven?
Bob Diamond
No it isn't Heaven?
Daniel Miller
Is it Hell?
Bob Diamond
Nope, it isn't Hell either. Actually, there is no Hell. Although I hear Los Angeles is getting pretty close.
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Youth and Reflection on Mortality
Old lady on bus
Ooh, so young... ]?
[noticing Daniel; [w:AIDS|AIDS]
Daniel Miller
Oh, no... car accident.
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Conflicted Love and Professional Rivalry
Aaron Altman
And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I ].
[to Jane; [wikt:bury the lede|buried the lede]
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A Special Driver's Unique Potential
Bernie Rose
What do you got that the big professional race teams don't?
Shannon
I got the driver.
Bernie Rose
You just told me they had half a dozen drivers.
Shannon
Not like this. This kid is special. I've been working with him for a while. I've never seen anything like it. If I had the money, I'd back him myself.
Bernie Rose
Yeah, but you don't have the money.
Shannon
Mr. Rose, you put this kid behind the wheel, there's nothing he can't do.
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Death and Comedy on Stage
Club Comedian
And you sir. How did you die?
Daniel Miller
On stage, like you.
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Consequences of Ignoring Sound Advice
Bernie Rose
I already gave you my advice! You should have taken the money and left the guy alone!
Nino
It's not that simple, Bernie.
Bernie Rose
No, of course not! Now that it's bounced up in your face!
Cook
Nino, I owe you this guy. Just give me a little time and I'll get rid of him.
Bernie Rose
Shut the fuck up. You fucking monkey.
Nino
The money belongs to some half-ass wiseguy out of Philly. Now, I got tipped off, he was stashing a million bucks in a pawnshop, he was gonna invest it here in L.A., he was gonna set up a rival operation.
Bernie Rose
So you stole from the East Coast Mob?
Nino
No, I stole from some jumped-up punk, who was trying to step on our action.
Bernie Rose
Yeah? Then why didn't you come to me before you set up this dummy robbery? Before you hired this piece of shit?
[points at Cook]
Nino
This was something off to the side, Bernie, I didn't want to involve you in this.
Bernie Rose
Well I'm involved now! Let me tell you something; anybody, anybody, finds out you stole from the family, we're both dead.
Nino
What fucking family? The family who still calls me a fucking kike? To my face? Yeah I'm 59 years old Bernie! They still pinch my cheek like I'm some fucking kid! Family.
[to himself]
Bernie Rose
The money always flows up, Izzy! You know that!
Nino
That's why this Driver's gotta go, Bernie. He's gotta go. And your pal Shannon, I mean, they're the only two guys that can tie me to this robbery.
[quieter, more serious]
Bernie Rose
Now it's your turn to clean up after me.
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Confrontation in a High-Stakes Situation
Bernie Rose
My partner is a belligerent asshole with his back up against a wall, and now, so am I.
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Investing in Cattle and Its Consequences
Lena Foster
What did you finally invest in, Mr. Miller, do you remember?
Daniel Miller
Um, uh... cattle.
[under his breath]
Lena Foster
And what happened to the cattle?
Daniel Miller
I don't know; I never got a straight answer. All I know is that their teeth fell out.
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Value Beyond Appearance in High-Stakes Conversations
Nino
You paid three-hundred fucking grand for this piece of shit?
Bernie Rose
I paid for it - out of my own pocket. This is just the shell; it's the inside that counts, not the outside, right Shannon?
Shannon
You are correct, sir.
Nino
Fuck that shit; I pay three-hundred for something, I want everybody to fucking see it!
Bernie Rose
Of course you do.
Nino
Now this... that is one motherfucking, fine-ass, pussy-mobile, motha-fucka'! Damn!
[sees a collectible car]
Bernie Rose
Shannon, sell him the car.
Shannon
He wouldn't be able to find pussy in a whore house...
Shannon
You know what? This car will even make you good-looking.
[begins hobbling over to Nino]
Nino
I'm already good-looking, pal.
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A Team Built on Investment and Loyalty
Bernie Rose
I used to produce movies. In the 80s. Kind of like action films. Sexy stuff. One critic called them European. I thought they were shit. Anyway, he arranged all the cars for me. Did all the stunts. I liked him. I liked having him around, even though he overcharged the shit out of me. His next business venture, he got involved with some of Nino's friends. They didn't go for the overcharging bit. They broke his pelvis. He's never had a lot of luck. The reason I'm telling you this is that he has a lot invested in you. And so do I. So anything you need, you call me. We're a team now.
[about Shannon]
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The Complexity of Truth and Trust
Bob Diamond
Did we ever stop to think that this young boy had a bond with his father? I don't think it had anything to do with the friend. I just think Daniel couldn't lie to his dad. That's all.
Lena Foster
You're nodding, Mr. Miller. Does that mean you agree with Mr. Diamond?
Daniel Miller
Oh, yes. I had a bond with my father. I pretty much never lied to him.
Lena Foster
You never lied to your father? Would you like me to show you at least 500 examples?
Daniel Miller
I said "pretty much" never lied. I didn't say I never, ever lied. You have to lie sometimes... in an emergency. But, ah, it doesn't mean the bond is affected. If you've got the bond, the bond is always there, and if you have to lie occasionally you're not going to interfere with the bond. You know, the bond can wait for a little lie and... in the end it's there for you. You know, sometimes in the middle of a lie I found that the bond would kick in... maybe squeeze a little truth out.
Bob Diamond
Psst, wrap it up.
Daniel Miller
I'm through.
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Confrontational Outburst from Bernie Rose
Bernie Rose
Shut the fuck up, you fucking monkey!
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Responsibility for Consequences
Bernie Rose
Now it's your turn to clean up after me.
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Misunderstandings and Attraction in the Workplace
Blair Litton
Oh, you think anyone who's proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.
Aaron Altman
No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their boss buttocks and then smooches is an ass-kisser.
Blair Litton
My gosh... and for a while there I was attracted to you.
Aaron Altman
Well, wait a minute, that changes everything!
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A Unique Bond Amidst Darkness
Aaron Altman
I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell.
[to Jane]
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Conflicting Emotions in Relationships
Aaron Altman
And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense... and it's you.
Jane Craig
Oh, Bubba.
Aaron Altman
I'm going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one that I like so much!
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Balancing Dreams and Reality in Life
Tom Grunick
What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?
Aaron Altman
Keep it to yourself.
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The Deceptive Nature of Attraction
Aaron Altman
I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't take it wrong when I tell you that I believe that Tom, while a very nice guy, is the Devil.
Jane Craig
This isn't friendship.
Aaron Altman
What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.
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Confrontation During a Shakedown
Jack Foley
Hey! Sign says "shut the fuck up," or can't you fellas read?
[in the prison library; points to a sign that says "Quiet Please"]
Maurice "Snoopy" Miller
The fuck you talkin to man? You got a problem over there, Foley?
Jack Foley
Yeah, I got a problem: this is the dumbest fuckin shakedown in the history of dumb shakedowns. Five hundred bucks for a pillow?
Jack Foley
If you're smart, Ripley, you'll tell this guy to fuck off.
Richard Ripley
Really?
Richard Ripley
Well, I - I - I don't know.
Jack Foley
First of all, if he kills you, then he's gonna get nothin'.
Maurice "Snoopy" Miller
Well, uh, the man don't just have to die, Foley. I mean, he could accidentally hurt himself falling down on something real hard, you know. Like a shiv, or my dick.
Richard Ripley
I'll pay. I'll pay it. Don't worry.
[whispers to Foley]
Jack Foley
If he falls on anything, Snoop, then they're transfer his ass outta here faster than you can throw a fight, and you're still gonna get nothin'.
Maurice "Snoopy" Miller
You know, last time I checked, man, this shit over here ain't got nothin to do with you, Foley. Why don't you go outside man? Smoke a cigarette or some shit?
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