Ali FazalQuotes

Lord Salisbury: What on Earth is a durbar room?

Henry Ponsonby: It's a celebration of all things Indian, Prime Minister, inspired by the Mughal emperors.

Lord Salisbury: But I don't understand. Who gave her permission to build this in the first place?

Albert Edward: Don't blame me, I was in Monte Carlo.

Henry Ponsonby: I'm afraid she's a law unto herself, Prime Minister.

Lord Salisbury: For God's sake! She'll be wearing a burqa next.

Queen Victoria: Prime Minister, you are late.

Lord Salisbury: I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty.

Queen Victoria: Well, let us begin. This, as you can see, is the Indian corridor. The Durbar Room was designed by Mr. Bhai Ram Singh.

Albert Edward: The place is crawling with them.

Queen Victoria: [shows them the portrait of Princess Gowramma; shows them a portrait of Abdul, with Abdul standing next to the portrait] We have commissioned a series of portraits of eminent Indians. This... Princess Gowramma. And this of course, is the Munshi.

Abdul Karim: An honor to meet you, Mr. Prime Minister, sir.

Queen Victoria: A good likeness, don't you think?

Abdul Karim: I asked him to take a few pounds off. This is my wife, Mr. Prime Minister, sir. And that is my mother-in-law. At least I think that's the right way round. These are my servants, Mohammed and Ahmed.

Queen Victoria: And this is the Durbar Room.

Lord Salisbury: What the hell is going on here, Ponsonby?

Queen Victoria: The carvings are from Uttar Pradesh, and the carpet was woven in a jail in Agra. Perfect, I think, for the tableau. But the piéce-de-resistánce is the Peacock Throne, an exact copy of the one at Agra, and, of course, the Koh-i-noor. Now I really do feel like the Empress of India.

Queen Victoria: Isn't it glorious? Albert loved it here. He so admired the Medicis, that they commissioned the greatest artists of the day in order to leave something astonishing behind.

Abdul Karim: In India also, we commission great artists. Each emperor would bring the greatest craftsmen to make great glories for their durbar room.

Queen Victoria: Durbar room?

Abdul Karim: Yes. Every emperor had a durbar room, full of the finest things known to man.

Queen Victoria: Well, I'm the Empress of India, I should have a durbar room.

Abdul Karim: That's a wonderful idea, Your Majesty. But where would you put it?

Queen Victoria: Oh, the Isle of Wight, obviously.

Henry Ponsonby: Your Majesty, Signor Puccini has arrived.

Mohammed Bakhsh: Munshi?

Abdul Karim: Yes.

Mohammed Bakhsh: A spiritual advisor? You haven't an idea in your head! You promised to get us out of here, and now we're going to bloody Florence.

Abdul Karim: You don't see what a privilege it is to see the glories of Italy with all these wonderful people.

Mohammed Bakhsh: You complete bloody idiot! Do you think they're just going to stand there and let her promote a wog? I did not come here to carry your bloody cases.

Abdul Karim: What are you complaining about? We have our own carriage with a bathroom. They've made a very nice bed for you on the floor.

Mohammed Bakhsh: [blows his nose through a linen napkin] Oh, I'm dying here. I want to go home.

Abdul Karim: I'm getting sick of your negative attitude. Life is a big adventure. You just need to open up and enjoy it. We're on holiday. And what? What on Earth can possibly go wrong?

Queen Victoria: How do you like your new Scottish costumes?

Abdul Karim: Very scratchy, Your Majesty.

Queen Victoria: [turns to Sir Henry] Everything in Scotland is scratchy. Sir Henry? When does Bertie arrive?

Henry Ponsonby: Tomorrow, Your Majesty. He's on his way from Monte Carlo.

Dr. James Reid: It's all right for her. She's upholstered.

Arthur Bigge: What the hell were you thinking?!

Abdul Karim: You said, "Present the jelly," sir.

Arthur Bigge: [hits Abdul with his top hat] I didn't say kiss the feet of the Empress of India!

Abdul Karim: I thought it would cheer her up.

Arthur Bigge: Cheer her up?! They'll have me court-martialed!

Henry Ponsonby: [runs in] What on Earth is going on?! Her Majesty has requested Mr. Karim and Mr. Baksh be her personal footmen for the rest of the Jubilee.

Arthur Bigge: The Hindus, sir!

Alick Yorke: But they're completely different sizes.

Arthur Bigge: There was an incident, sir, with an elephant.

Alick Yorke: Hmm. The Queen arrives, fanfares, ceremonial entrance. The Royal Entourage make their way to the table to be seated thus: Her Majesty, Sir Henry Ponsonby, Private Secretary, the Secretary of State for India, the Emperor of Russia, Dr. Reid, Lady Churchill, Miss Phipps, et cetera, et cetera. Grace. Soup, potage Saint-Germain with pureé de madeleine. Fish course, morue aux hutres, fanfare. Entre, quenelle with regency sauce, et cetera, et cetera. Dessert, pain d'pinards, tartelettes la suisse, profiteroles. Always profiteroles. You will come from the northwest service entrance, Process together, and you will stand here. No! A little bit. That's it. Presenting the tray thus.

Abdul Karim: Tray? I thought it was a cushion.

Alick Yorke: You will present the tray...

Mohammed Bakhsh: Excuse me. Do I get a tray?

Alick Yorke: No. We've only got one tray.

Mohammed Bakhsh: So, what do I do?

Alick Yorke: You'll just have to improvise. Whatever you do, you must not look at Her Majesty. You will bow again. Then moving backwards, you will turn to your left, you will lead thus, and you will process down the hall to be met by Mr. Bigge, who will walk you to the north wall, where you will stand till the end of the meal. Would you like me to run through that again?

Messenger Boy: Mr. Yorke, she's heading to Paddington!

Alick Yorke: [gasps in shock] Everybody, out! You two, stairs, now!

Mr. Tyler: Ah, Mr. Karim. I wanted to speak to you about the carpets we sent to the British Exhibition.

Abdul Karim: There is a problem, sir?

Mr. Tyler: No, no. The carpets went down very well. In fact, the Governor General has received a letter from the Royal Household thanking him personally. It's all been such a success, he has decided to present the Queen with a "Mohur" as part of the Jubilee.

Abdul Karim: A "Mohur," sir?

Mr. Tyler: A Mohur. Apparently, it's some sort of ceremonial coin. I have been asked to find someone tall to present it. You're the tallest person here.

Abdul Karim: When will she be arriving, sir?

Mr. Tyler: Not in Agra, in England! You will travel to England and present the Mohur at an official function. Like an equerry.

Abdul Karim: On a horse?

Mr. Tyler: I don't think there'll be a horse.

Abdul Karim: Equerry always has a horse, Mr. Tyler, sir.

Mr. Tyler: Well, maybe not like an equerry, exactly.

Abdul Karim: [last lines of the movie] Good morning, Your Majesty. How are you today?

Abdul Karim: Listen, little drop, give yourself up without regret and in return you will gain the ocean. Give yourself away and in the great sea you will be secure.