Alice Wetterlund Biography
Alice Wetterlund is a stand-up comedian and actor originally from Minneapolis, Minnesota. She performs regularly at all the UCBees as well as San Francisco’s Punchline, and LA’s Largo and The Hollywood Improv as well as festivals and clubs throughout the continent. She currently resides in LA with her two feline sons, Biscuit and Birdie. In addition to her tv appearances doing stand up on Conan, Adam Divine’s House Party, and Viceland, you can see Alice as Carla Walton in seasons two and three of HBO’s Silicon Valley, as Kelly Grady on TBS’s People of Earth, and as Darcy in SYFY’s upcoming series Resident Alien.
Her first full length hour special My Mama is a Human and So Am I is now streaming on Amazon Prime.
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Alice Wetterlund Movies
Alice Wetterlund TV Shows
Alice Wetterlund Quotes
Conflicted Decisions in a Business Partnership
Mike:
Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
Dave:
What? I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech. In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business. There it is!
Mike:
Really?
Dave:
Yeah.
Mike:
And what are you gonna do?
Dave:
I'm gonna draw!! I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent! BOOM!
Mike: [stands up]
You traitor!
Cousin Terry: [out on stage; the wedding party laughs uproariously; Keith accidentally presses a wrong button to Mike's and Dave's microphones on the speaker system]
I ain't gotta rehearse! I know how to eat dinner! Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?
Mike:
You turn your back on me when everyone else does. Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
Cousin Terry:
Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.
Burt:
What? Where is that coming from?
Keith:
I don't know what I did!
Dave: [the adults gasp]
It doesn't matter, Mike. You're losing your mind! You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
Cousin Terry:
Try a little harder. Am I right?
Mike:
You're goddamn right I did! Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.
Burt:
That is unacceptable. Oh, th-the mics are on, boys.
Mike:
I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.
Burt:
The mics are on!
Dave:
You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger-diddled Terry!
Cousin Terry:
There it is!
Tatiana:
It was for tickets to Rihanna!
Dave:
You're sad, man. You are sad.
Mike: [Mike charges Dave and Dave punches Mike to the floor]
I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids! You wanna go?!
Dave:
Don't do it!
Mike:
These are coming your way!
Dave: [punches Mike a second time]
Just stop!
Rosie:
God, that had to hurt!
Dave: [the pattern continues with Mike rushing at Dave and Dave punching Mike]
Don't do it again!
Mike:
Why do you keep punching me?!
Dave:
Why do you keep rushing at me?!
Becky:
Ooh. Get him, Dave. Oops, who said that?
Mike: [enraged]
This wedding is going to Hell!
Burt:
Yes.
Mike: [Becky breaks her glass due to her excessive pressure]
They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots, and they don't realize the bride is getting off at massage parlors like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran!
Eric:
I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood.
Mike:
I walked in and saw little Jeanie, the bride-to-be, orgasming. The masseuse got her off!
Eric: [rushes off]
GODDAMN IT!! Jeanie!
Mike: [shoves Dave straight into the middle of the stage where Cousin Terry is giving her speech prior, only to be discovered by Burt]
I HATE YOU!!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
