Memorable Quotes from Andy Daly
11 quotesPursuit of Power Over Environmental Concerns
Mayor Brown
You think I care about what the law says? Hmm? Or about some endangered "frog-mouthed turtle?" Or some stupid park for families to have a picnic in? No. I care about power, you pinheads! And I'm gonna get it. Nobody knows this turtle exists. And nobody ever will.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion and Chaos on the Basketball Court
Petrelli
How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
Cornelius Banks
Ohhhh, I did get shot!
Dick Pepperfield
Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.
Alan the Commissioner
No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!
Dick Pepperfield
Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!
Clarence Coffee Black
Who the fuck is Bambi?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discovery of Fondue's Unique Flavor
Lou Redwood
Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible!
[about the fondue he just ate]
Jackie Moon
It's called fondue.
Lou Redwood
Fon-what?
Jackie Moon
Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.
Bobby Dee
It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
Dick Pepperfield
Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive.
[others makes noises of agreement]
Bobby Dee
They are my favorite producers of pornography.
Jackie Moon
They do make an excellent fuck picture!
Dick Pepperfield
Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.
Jackie Moon
To the men's room.
Dick Pepperfield
Oh, stop it.
Jackie Moon
To make your wiener sing...boner machine.
[others are laughing]
Dick Pepperfield
I am not a boner machine!
Lou Redwood
Swedish porn saved my life in Nam. Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.
[others groan]
Bobby Dee
Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war.
[others laugh]
Cornelius Banks
You were never in Nam, you jive turkey.
[laughter stops]
Lou Redwood
Did you just call me a jive turkey?
[coldly; Cornelius shakes his head]
Jackie Moon
No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
Cornelius Banks
Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!
Lou Redwood
Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield
No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
Lou Redwood
Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Jackie Moon
Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
Bobby Dee
He just said you suck cock!
Dick Pepperfield
That's all he said about you!
Jackie Moon
Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker.
[others laugh]
Lou Redwood
We like playing games, don't we?
[laughing]
Jackie Moon
It's true, we're playing one right now.
Lou Redwood
I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin Nam! Who's the jive turkey now? Gun's not loaded!
[draws a gun and points it at Cornelius; bursts out laughing; all laugh]
Jackie Moon
It's not loaded!
Lou Redwood
You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!
Cornelius Banks
The gun was not loaded!
Jackie Moon
I'll see you fuckers in hell.
[puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]
Bobby Dee
Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.
[aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks
I did call you jive turkey.
[aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]
Dick Pepperfield
I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! Rrragh!
[playfully, pointing gun at Lou; pulls trigger]
Lou Redwood
We're saying nutty things cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.
[laughing]
Jackie Moon
Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh?
[rests gun on forearm]
Dick Pepperfield
How do you like your martinis, sir?
Jackie Moon
Stirred, in a half carafe.
[aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]
Cornelius Banks
He shoots himself!
Jackie Moon
He shoots himself in the wiener!
[tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bench Warmer Insights on Life
Lou Redwood
Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
Dick Pepperfield
No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Principal Dwight's Unique Physical Trait Explained
Principal Dwight
Just by a show of hands, how many people have a test that starts with the question, "True or false: Principal Dwight has three nipples"? Well that's a lot of you. Well it's false. Put false. I was born without nipples for your information, and it looks beautiful!
[students laugh]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Jackie Moon's Impact on Flint Discussed
Lou Redwood
Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield
With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Smoking and Professionalism in Conversation
Dick Pepperfield
Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
Lou Redwood
No, I like to smoke when I drink.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Creepy Impressions of a Young Performer
Dick Pepperfield
He scares me!
Lou Redwood
That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.
Dick Pepperfield
Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Visitor at Home
Michael
Only shit!
Steve
Whatever, bro?
Michael
The monster is on my house!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Late Arrival with No Apology
Mr. Fuller
Thanks for coming in, Kettner.
Kirk
Sorry I'm late, Fuller.
Mr. Fuller
You better have a damn good excuse.
Kirk
Nope.
Mr. Fuller
Take a second? Make something up?
Kirk
Nope.
Mr. Fuller
Interesting.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams of Glory and Nightmares of Reality
Lou Redwood
You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.
Dick Pepperfield
Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
[chuckles]
Lou Redwood
...What's your problem?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.