A Haunted House - Unexpected Visitor at Home
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Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life - Principal Dwight's Unique Physical Trait Explained
Principal Dwight: [students laugh]
Just by a show of hands, how many people have a test that starts with the question, "True or false: Principal Dwight has three nipples"? Well that's a lot of you. Well it's false. Put false. I was born without nipples for your information, and it looks beautiful!
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Semi-Pro - Creepy Impressions of a Young Performer
Dick Pepperfield:
He scares me!
Lou Redwood:
That little kid from the Jackson 5, he scares ya too.
Dick Pepperfield:
Oh, mark my words, Lou, there's something very creepy about that young man.
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Semi-Pro - Jackie Moon's Impact on Flint Discussed
Lou Redwood:
Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
Dick Pepperfield:
With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
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Semi-Pro - Smoking and Professionalism in Conversation
Dick Pepperfield:
Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette, it's very unprofessional.
Lou Redwood:
No, I like to smoke when I drink.
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Semi-Pro - Discovery of Fondue's Unique Flavor
Lou Redwood: [about the fondue he just ate]
Oh my God...what the fuck is that, it's incredible!
Jackie Moon:
It's called fondue.
Lou Redwood:
Fon-what?
Jackie Moon:
Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.
Bobby Dee:
It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.
Dick Pepperfield: [others makes noises of agreement]
Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive.
Bobby Dee:
They are my favorite producers of pornography.
Jackie Moon:
They do make an excellent fuck picture!
Dick Pepperfield:
Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.
Jackie Moon:
To the men's room.
Dick Pepperfield:
Oh, stop it.
Jackie Moon: [others are laughing]
To make your wiener sing...boner machine.
Dick Pepperfield:
I am not a boner machine!
Lou Redwood: [others groan]
Swedish porn saved my life in Nam. Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.
Bobby Dee: [others laugh]
Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war.
Cornelius Banks: [laughter stops]
You were never in Nam, you jive turkey.
Lou Redwood: [coldly; Cornelius shakes his head]
Did you just call me a jive turkey?
Jackie Moon:
No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
Cornelius Banks:
Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!
Lou Redwood:
Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield:
No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
Lou Redwood:
Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
Jackie Moon:
Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
Bobby Dee:
He just said you suck cock!
Dick Pepperfield:
That's all he said about you!
Jackie Moon: [others laugh]
Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker.
Lou Redwood: [laughing]
We like playing games, don't we?
Jackie Moon:
It's true, we're playing one right now.
Lou Redwood: [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius; bursts out laughing; all laugh]
I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in fuckin Nam! Who's the jive turkey now? Gun's not loaded!
Jackie Moon:
It's not loaded!
Lou Redwood:
You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!
Cornelius Banks:
The gun was not loaded!
Jackie Moon: [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]
I'll see you fuckers in hell.
Bobby Dee: [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]
Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.
Cornelius Banks: [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]
I did call you jive turkey.
Dick Pepperfield: [playfully, pointing gun at Lou; pulls trigger]
I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! Rrragh!
Lou Redwood: [laughing]
We're saying nutty things cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.
Jackie Moon: [rests gun on forearm]
Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh?
Dick Pepperfield:
How do you like your martinis, sir?
Jackie Moon: [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]
Stirred, in a half carafe.
Cornelius Banks:
He shoots himself!
Jackie Moon: [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]
He shoots himself in the wiener!
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Semi-Pro - Dreams of Glory and Nightmares of Reality
Lou Redwood:
You know, I might suit up tonight, Dick. Sometimes I still dream of glory.
Dick Pepperfield: [chuckles]
Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.
Lou Redwood:
...What's your problem?
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Semi-Pro - Bench Warmer Insights on Life
Lou Redwood:
Well, he sat on the bench, right? I mean, if you watch a porn movie, doesn't mean you got laid.
Dick Pepperfield:
No. No, in fact it often means the opposite.
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Semi-Pro - Confusion and Chaos on the Basketball Court
Petrelli:
How come it says "Monix" on your jersey when your name's "Pussy"?
Cornelius Banks:
Ohhhh, I did get shot!
Dick Pepperfield:
Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine as they carry him off the court.
Alan the Commissioner:
No, no, Jackie, don't bite yourself!
Dick Pepperfield:
Here comes the Alley...and there goes the Oop!
Clarence Coffee Black:
Who the fuck is Bambi?
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Yogi Bear - Pursuit of Power Over Environmental Concerns
Mayor Brown:
You think I care about what the law says? Hmm? Or about some endangered "frog-mouthed turtle?" Or some stupid park for families to have a picnic in? No. I care about power, you pinheads! And I'm gonna get it. Nobody knows this turtle exists. And nobody ever will.
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She's Out of My League - Late Arrival with No Apology
Mr. Fuller:
Thanks for coming in, Kettner.
Kirk:
Sorry I'm late, Fuller.
Mr. Fuller:
You better have a damn good excuse.
Kirk:
Nope.
Mr. Fuller:
Take a second? Make something up?
Kirk:
Nope.
Mr. Fuller:
Interesting.
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