The King of Staten Island - Significance of a Father's Death Date
Kelsey:
What are those numbers on your arm?
Scott Carlin:
That's the date my dad died.
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The King of Staten Island - Awkward Compliments and Misunderstandings
Jake:
I gotta be honest Kelsey, you look exactly like your picture. Or you’re thicker, more robust.
Kelsey:
Thank you. It’s a compliment. You look a little bit like Antonio Banderas if I squint really hard.
Jake:
Please squint all night long! That's great, you look, Chelsea, I mean- Kelsey. I'm sorry.
Kelsey:
That's alright. What's your name again?
Jake: [''Scott appears clearing tables'']
Um, it's Jake, sorry about that. So, uh, what do you do?
Kelsey:
I’m studying to work in the city. I want to make Staten Island a great place again.
Jake:
Staten Island’s already cool, what’re you talking about?
Kelsey:
Yeah it is. You’re the first person here to say that.
Jake:
It’s the best place on Earth. At least on the East Coast.
Kelsey: [''To Scott'']
Excuse me. Oh. Hey.
Scott:
Oh, hey. Hey.
Kelsey:
Hello. Hey.
Scott:
Would you guys want still or sparkling water?
Kelsey: [''To date'']
Um, you pick.
Jake:
I’m more of a sparkling guy.
Kelsey:
Sparkling it is.
Jake: [[w:Patrón|a Patrón with a rock]
I do like tequila if I could get ]?
Kelsey:
That’s fine.
Jake: [[w:garlic bread|warm bread]
Tequila on rock. You guys want ]? Or olive oil.
Deena: [''Scott takes off after Kelsey and Deena turns to Kelsey's date'']
Oh bro, did you scare off another customer? What's wrong with you?! I’m so sorry about that. He has like, nepotism, you know?
Kelsey's date:
Is that a disease?
Deena:
Yeah. It’s a bad one.
Kelsey:
I brought that guy here to make you jealous so that you could give a fuck!
Scott:
To make me jealous?!
Kelsey:
You don’t seem jealous or upset at all!
Scott:
I do care. Of course I care.
Kelsey:
I chose the hottest guy on Tinder. Look at me! Look at my tits. It’s literally the Eiffel Tower holding them up in there.
Scott:
You look great.
Kelsey:
Thank you.
Scott:
Please don’t cry here. Please.
Kelsey:
You look awful.
Scott:
What do you mean?
Kelsey:
Your skin looks see-through and the circles around your eyes are so dark you look like an anorexic panda.
Scott:
I know I do.
Kelsey:
You always look sick and pale like you have a disease but you don’t know it yet. You literally look like if I touched you, you’d just turn to dust.
Scott:
I’m sorry. I’m not doing very well.
Scott:
What do I tell your date?
Kelsey: [[w:Disc jockey|a DJ]
Tell him to fuck off. I met him ten minutes ago. He’s ].
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The King of Staten Island - Confrontation at Abandoned Property
Security guard:
Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, guys. Look, look. You can't be here, man. Y-You got to go.
Tara:
Why?
Security guard:
It's private property, that's why.
Scott:
It's an abandoned orphanage. Why can't we be here?
Richie:
Who gives a shit, man? What are you doing here? You fucking protecting the ghosts of dead orphans?
Security guard: [[w:Kanye West|fat Kanye; ''Oscar [[w:the finger|raises middle finger; ''Walks away'']
Look, ], shut your damn mouth. I'll be back in five minutes for you assholes. If you're still here, I'm calling the cops, period.
Oscar:
You better get the cops, man, cause you're a fake cop. You need the real ones. Motherfuckers.
Scott:
Fuck all of y'all.
Igor:
I feel bad. We- we were a little too mean.
Scott:
Yeah. He's nice.
Igor:
Yeah, he's a really good guy.
Kelsey:
See that guy is what is wrong with Staten Island. We don’t get any of the cool people from any of the other boroughs. No one comes here. We’re stuck with the pricks who live here.
Oscar:
You’re talking about us, right in front of us.
Kelsey:
Kind of. I mean no one comes here! There’s no flow of people. That guy’s like two hundred. We’ve known him since we were six.
Tara: [[w:Brooklyn|Brooklyn]
Why can’t this be like ]?
Kelsey:
There’s no reason we shouldn’t be cool like Brooklyn. We’ve got amazing views. It’s close to the city. It’s cheap. Nice people. It makes no sense.
Scott:
We’re like the only place New Jersey looks down on. You could see the garbage dump from space. This place is never gonna change.
Kelsey: [[w:gentrification|It happened to the Meatpacking District, the Village]
No. ]. Brooklyn used to be a shithole. We’re next. I’m gonna take my civil service test. I’m gonna work for the city in city planning. You watch, this place is going to be fucking Williamsburg in ten years.
Richie:
Nobody wants that.
Scott:
Why do you wanna work in the city and do city planning? That sounds so boring.
Tara:
I feel like Brooklyn is better. I dated a guy that lived in Brooklyn. He was a mixologist. He made ice cubes out of milk. He was so classy.
Oscar:
Shut up.
Kelsey:
I love Staten Island. It’s amazing. And people are gonna see it soon. Trust me.
Scott:
If you love it so much, why don’t you let me tattoo it on you?
Kelsey:
No, I’m not letting you tattoo me again.
Scott:
Well I need somebody to tattoo. Come on Rich, what about you man?
Richie:
Don’t even look at me, dude.
Scott:
Why?
Richie: [''Points to tattoo of [[w:Barak Obama|Obama]
] tattoo on his arm] Your work is mad inconsistent. Obama ain’t right.
Scott:
I got the eyes wrong, okay?
Richie:
He’s not right! This has hurt me. I don’t have any black friends anymore. I can’t go to a barber shop no more. You got Obama wrong. Ain’t nothing worse than that.
Scott:
What about you, Igor? You want a dragon or something?
Igor: [''Lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a cat with his navel implied to be the anus'']
I love your tattoos. My brother? It’s the spitting image. It’s my favorite. No this is my favorite.
Igor:
You killed that.
Scott:
I really worked hard on the eyes.
Igor:
He’s so cute. I love his butthole. It reminds me that I have a belly button. So I’m good.
Kelsey:
I gotta go. Watching you beg to give tattoos is too sad. And that’s freaking me out.
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The King of Staten Island - A Humorous Observation on Physical Resemblance
Kelsey: [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]
You look a little like ], if I squint my eyes a bit.
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The King of Staten Island - Mixed Feelings About Intimacy and Communication
Kelsey:
Thanks for the sex. It was wonderful until you started talking.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.