Memorable Quotes from Ben McCreary
3 quotesFun Game of Guessing Daddies' Occupations
Kimble
Now, we're going to do something extremely fun. We're going to play a wonderful game called "Who is my daddy and what does he do?" Yes?
[a girl raises her hand]
Girl
Is your daddy a fireman?
Joseph
He's probably big. Is he a wrestler?
Girl 2
Is he a basketball coach?
Kimble
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Girl
What's the matter?
Kimble
Oh, I have a headache.
Lowell
It might be a tumor.
Kimble
It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor at all. What I meant was you tell me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
[sighs calmly]
Kids
Oh.
Kimble
Get it? (That's the premise of "Who Is My Daddy, And What Does He Do?") Okay, we start right here. You.
[points to a girl]
Girl 1
My dad repairs wrecked cars driven by women who are pinheads.
Boy 1
My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.
Girl 2
My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money...then people use that money... then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.
Lowell
My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.
Kimble
Mm-hmm.
Emma
Yeah. He doesn't have that much hair because... and he... his head is so big that he can't wear any hats.
Joshua
My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.
Boy 4
My dad, um, is a psychologist... and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings... and, um, that's it.
Tina and Rina
Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.
Kimble
Good.
[looks over his shoulders, then returns his attention to Tina and Rina]
Dominic
I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.
Joseph
My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Announcement About Teacher's Absence
Miss Schlowski
Good morning, everyone.
Kids
Good morning, Miss Schlowski.
Miss Schlowski
Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip for a few days.
Lisa
Where'd she go?
Miss Schlowski
That doesn't matter.
Lowell
Did she die?
Miss Schlowski
No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
Lowell
Did they die?
Miss Schlowski
No, Lowell.
Lowell
Everyone dies, you know.
Miss Schlowski
I know, but not for a long, long time. Now, until Mrs. Hagley comes back, we have someone special to help. This is Mr. Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher. Now, let's everybody say, "Good morning, Mr. Kimble".
[Kimble enters the classroom as all the kids look up at his enormous size while some of the kids are slack-jawed]
Kids
Good morning, Mr. Kimble.
Kimble
Good morning.
Miss Schlowski
They're all yours. I'll be watching you.
[leaves the classroom as Kimble scans the children]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Classroom Tensions Escalate Before Break Time
Assistant to Miss Schlowski
Aren't you gonna break it up?
Miss Schlowski
No, two more days of this, then he'll quit.
Kimble
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! SHUT UP!! Shut up!! Shut up!
[furiously; all the kids turn around, clearly startled]
Kimble
No, don't start this.
[desperately]
Kimble
Oh, no...
[overwhelmed]
Kimble
ATTENTION! This is your new class mascot.
[everyone pauses as Kimble re-enters]
Boy
What happened to your dog?
Kimble
This is not a dog. This is a ferret.
Girl
What's a ferret?
Kimble
That's a ferret.
[showing them his ferret in a way]
Kids
Oh.
Lowell
If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
Kimble
No, that's not true. He never bites.
Girl
Can I pet him?
Kimble
Sure, but one at a time, okay?
[one by one, the kids pet Kimble's ferret]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.