Kindergarten Cop - Fun Game of Guessing Daddies' Occupations
Kimble: [a girl raises her hand]
Now, we're going to do something extremely fun. We're going to play a wonderful game called "Who is my daddy and what does he do?" Yes?
Girl:
Is your daddy a fireman?
Joseph:
He's probably big. Is he a wrestler?
Girl 2:
Is he a basketball coach?
Kimble:
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Girl:
What's the matter?
Kimble:
Oh, I have a headache.
Lowell:
It might be a tumor.
Kimble: [sighs calmly]
It's not a tumor! It's not a tumor at all. What I meant was you tell me: Who is your daddy, and what does he do?
Kids:
Oh.
Kimble: [points to a girl]
Get it? (That's the premise of "Who Is My Daddy, And What Does He Do?") Okay, we start right here. You.
Girl 1:
My dad repairs wrecked cars driven by women who are pinheads.
Boy 1:
My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.
Girl 2:
My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money...then people use that money... then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.
Lowell:
My dad doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in New York and drives a taxi. My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.
Kimble:
Mm-hmm.
Emma:
Yeah. He doesn't have that much hair because... and he... his head is so big that he can't wear any hats.
Joshua:
My dad's divorced. My mom's divorced.
Boy 4:
My dad, um, is a psychologist... and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings... and, um, that's it.
Tina and Rina:
Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.
Kimble: [looks over his shoulders, then returns his attention to Tina and Rina]
Good.
Dominic:
I don't know what my dad does. I haven't seen him in a long time. He lives in France.
Joseph:
My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginas all day long.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kindergarten Cop - Classroom Tensions Escalate Before Break Time
Assistant to Miss Schlowski:
Aren't you gonna break it up?
Miss Schlowski:
No, two more days of this, then he'll quit.
Kimble: [furiously; all the kids turn around, clearly startled]
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!! SHUT UP!! Shut up!! Shut up!
Kimble: [desperately]
No, don't start this.
Kimble: [overwhelmed]
Oh, no...
Kimble: [everyone pauses as Kimble re-enters]
ATTENTION! This is your new class mascot.
Boy:
What happened to your dog?
Kimble:
This is not a dog. This is a ferret.
Girl:
What's a ferret?
Kimble: [showing them his ferret in a way]
That's a ferret.
Kids:
Oh.
Lowell:
If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
Kimble:
No, that's not true. He never bites.
Girl:
Can I pet him?
Kimble: [one by one, the kids pet Kimble's ferret]
Sure, but one at a time, okay?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Kindergarten Cop - Classroom Announcement About Teacher's Absence
Miss Schlowski:
Good morning, everyone.
Kids:
Good morning, Miss Schlowski.
Miss Schlowski:
Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip for a few days.
Lisa:
Where'd she go?
Miss Schlowski:
That doesn't matter.
Lowell:
Did she die?
Miss Schlowski:
No, Lowell, she went to see someone.
Lowell:
Did they die?
Miss Schlowski:
No, Lowell.
Lowell:
Everyone dies, you know.
Miss Schlowski: [Kimble enters the classroom as all the kids look up at his enormous size while some of the kids are slack-jawed]
I know, but not for a long, long time. Now, until Mrs. Hagley comes back, we have someone special to help. This is Mr. Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher. Now, let's everybody say, "Good morning, Mr. Kimble".
Kids:
Good morning, Mr. Kimble.
Kimble:
Good morning.
Miss Schlowski: [leaves the classroom as Kimble scans the children]
They're all yours. I'll be watching you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.