Memorable Quotes from Brian O'Halloran

15 quotes

Mallrats

Cheesy Responses and Unexpected Comparisons

Brandi Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?

Gill Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie Where do you come up with this shit?! That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!

Gill Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.

Gill I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.

Brodie Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homo-phobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?

Gill I don't hate gay people!

Brodie So you love them?

Gill Yes! I mean, no.

Brodie Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

A Conversation About Marriage and Distractions

Dante You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!

Randal You know what I just watched?

Dante Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Randal ].

[[Return of the Jedi]

Dante Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!

Randal Which did you like better? Jedi or ]?

[[The Empire Strikes Back]

Dante Empire.

Randal Blasphemy.

Dante Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, uh, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it til today. They built another Death Star, right?

Dante Yeah.

Randal Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebels destroyed it.

Dante Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.

Randal And the second one was still being built when they blew it up.

Dante Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

Randal Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.

Dante And you figured it out?

Randal The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroopers, dignitaries. Imperials.

Dante Basically.

Randal So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.

Dante And the second time around?

Randal The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.

Dante So?

Randal So a construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...

Dante And not just Imperials. Is that what you're getting at?

Randal Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly, they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average stormtrooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.

Dante All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?

Randal All those innocent contractors hired to do the job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way. You got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

Roofer Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but what are you two talking about?

Randal The ending of Return of the Jedi.

Dante My friend here is trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Roofer Well, I'm a contractor myself. I'm a roofer—Dunn and Ready Home Improvements—and speaking as a roofer, I can tell you a roofer's personal politics comes into play heavily when choosing jobs.

Randal Oh yeah, like when?

Roofer Three weeks ago, I was offered a job up in the hills. Beautiful house, tons of property. A simple reshingling job! They told me if I could finish it in one day, I would double my price. Then I realized whose house it was.

Randal Whose house was it?

Roofer Dominic Bambino's.

Randal Baby-Face" Bambino the gangster?

Roofer The same! The money was right, but the risk was too high. I knew who he was, and based on that, I turned the job over to a friend of mine.

Dante Based on his personal politics.

[to Randal]

Roofer Right! And the next week the Floressi family puts out a hit on Baby-Face's house! My friend was shot and killed. Didn't even finish reshingling!

Randal No way.

Roofer I'm alive because I knew the risk involved with that particular client. My friend wasn't so lucky. Any contractor working on that Death Star knew the risk involved. If they got killed, it's their own fault. A roofer listens to this , not his wallet.

[pointing to his heart]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

The Origin of a Nickname

Veronica That was Snowball.

[after talking to William]

Dante Why do you call him that?

Veronica Sylvan made it up. It's a blowjob thing.

Dante What do you mean?

Veronica After he gets a blowjob, he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing.

Dante He requests this?

Veronica He gets off on it.

Dante Sylvan can be talked into anything.

Veronica Why do you say that?

Dante Like you said, she snowballed him.

Veronica Sylvan? No, I snowballed him.

Dante Yeah, right.

Veronica I'm serious.

Dante You sucked that guy's dick?!

Veronica Yeah, how do you think I knew that he...

Dante Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him.

Veronica Because I never had sex with him.

Dante You sucked his dick!

Veronica We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.

Dante Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?!

Veronica Because I did only have sex with three different guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.

Dante Oh my God, I feel so nauseous.

Veronica Sorry, Dante. I thought you understood.

Dante I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!

Veronica Please calm down.

Dante How many?

Veronica Dante!

Dante How many dicks have you sucked?

Veronica Let it go!

Dante How many?

Veronica All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!

Dante This is different! This is important! How many? Well?

[A customer comes up to the counter and Dante helps her while Veronica does some math]

Veronica Um... something like 36.

Dante WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE 36!?

Veronica Lower your voice.

Dante Wait, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that include me?

Veronica Um... 37.

Dante I'M 37!?

Veronica I'm going to class.

Dante Oh my God. 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!

[the customer walks up to pay]

Customer In a row?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

Discussions on Attraction and Consent

Veronica You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.

Dante Animal, mineral or vegetable.

Veronica Vegetable, meaning paraplegic.

Dante They put up the least amount of struggle.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

An Accidental Mishap at the Funeral Home

Dante I can't fuckin believe you!

Randal I'm tellin you, it wasn't my fault!

Dante You knocked the casket over, for Christ's sake!

Randal I was just leanin on it! It was an accident!

Dante Like someone knocks a casket over on purpose!

Randal So the casket fell over, big deal!

Dante Her fuckin body fell out!

Randal Just put it back in. It's not like it matters if she breaks somethin'!

Dante Just go. Just go open the video store!

Randal Shut the fuck up, junkie!

Dante Just go. Just go open the video store.

Jay Yeah, cock-smoking clerk!

Dante And how many times have I told you not to be dealing in front of the store?

Jay I'm not dealin', man. What you talkin bout?

Customer Yo, you got anything, man?

Jay Yeah, man. What you want, man?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

Observations on Pricing and Unusual Jobs

Dante Did you ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie.

Randal You know how much wage the average jizz-mopper make per hour?

[looking at a pornographic magazine]

Dante What's a jizz-mopper?

Randal He's the guy that cleans up the nudie-booths after each guy that jerks off.

Dante Nudie booth?

Randal Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been to a nudie booth?

Randal Oh man, it's great. You go into this booth and there's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like ten bucks.

Dante What kind of show?

Randal Think of the weirdest, craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do. These chicks do it all. They insert things into any opening on their body. Any opening!

Dante Can we not talk about this now?

Randal The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up after each guy shoots a load. Practically everybody does it right on the window, and I don't know if you noticed or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.

Highly-Offended Customer I will never come to this place again.

Dante Excuse me?

Highly-Offended Customer Using filthy language in front of the customers. You both should be fired!

Dante I'm sorry. I guess we kinda got carried away.

Highly-Offended Customer Well, I don't know if "sorry" can make up for it. You've highly offended me.

Randal Well, you think that's offensive, check this out! I think you can see her kidneys!

[shows customer the magazine's centerfold; the customer runs out screaming]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks II

Clerks II - Dialogue 9

Dante Can you feel it?

Randal Feel what?

Dante Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mallrats

Conflict Escalates Among Mall Characters

Shannon That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gill What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

Conflict over Attendance at a Funeral

Dante You gotta watch the store. I gotta go to this.

Randal Wait, wait, wait. Has it ever occurred to you that I might be bereaved as well?

Dante You hardly knew her!

Randal True, but do you know how many people are gonna be there? All of our old classmates, to say the least.

Dante Stop. This is beneath even you.

Randal I'm not gonna miss what is probably gonna be the social event of the season.

Dante You hate people!

Randal But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks II

Confrontation Over Racial Slurs in Clerks II

Randal I don't mind people snickering at the stupid uniform I've got to wear. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some self-righteous, lucky turd come in here and treat me and Dante like we're a couple of fucking ].

[[w:List of ethnic slurs|porch monkeys]

Dante Randal! Uh, I'm- I'm sorry.

[''To black female patron'']

Black female patron He... He didn't really just say what I think he said.

Randal What? Porch monkeys?

Dante Randal!

Becky What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Black female patron I want my money back right now.

Becky Of course. Um, you know what? Here, take this on us.

Black female patron Oh, no, no, no. I'm not eating something that was cooked by some cracker-ass hate-monger.

Black female patron's husband I will. Baby, you can't taste racism.

Randal What racism? Porch monkeys?!

Black female patron You little mother...

Black female patron's husband Calm down, champ. It ain't worth it.

Black female patron You're lucky my husband doesn't jump across this counter and knock your teeth in.

Randal Why?

Black female patron's husband Yeah, baby, why? I mean, ain't like he called us porch monkeys. Hey, hey! Baby, stop hitting on me! See, the judge told you about that. You got to stop putting your hands on people.

[''Wife starts slapping him'']

Becky Here, take this. This is your money. Please, take the food on us. We're sorry.

Black female patron Oh, uh-uh. I'm gonna write to the paper about this, and all y'all getting fired up in here. Jesus!

Black female patron's husband I'm gonna take the food. Thank you very much. Damn! Fuck porch monkey...

[''Wife throws it on ground'']

Becky Thanks. Come again.

Black female patron's husband Don't leave me, baby!

Becky Are you out of your fucking mind?!

Randal What?! What's the big deal? Since when is it a crime to say porch monkey?

Becky Oh, since, I don't know, ]?!

[[forever]

Randal Why?

Dante Because porch monkey is a racial slur against ]!

[[black people]

Randal No, it's not; ] is.

[[w:Nigger|nigger]

Dante Randal!

[''Horrified'']

Elias Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a nigger?

Becky Shut up, Elias!

Randal I didn't just call Dante a nigger, I just said that nigger is a racial slur.

Dante So is porch monkey!

Randal Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog; those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.

Becky I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that fucking mess. And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now!

[''points at Randal''; ''storms off'']

Dante What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?

Randal Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?

Dante When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!

Randal Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.

Dante Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a ] for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.

[[w:Affection|term of endearment]

Randal Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the ] community. She used to tell me to always be nice to the Jewish kids, or ].

[[Jewish; [w:Antisemitism|they'd put the sheenie curse on me]

Dante WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

Randal What?

Dante Sheenie is a racial slur, too!

Randal Oh, it is not!

Dante Yes, it is!

Randal Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.

Dante It wasn't cute, it was racist!

Randal I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a nigger knife. You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.

[''thinks for a moment''; ''Dante is flabbergasted'']

Dante You think?!

Randal Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.

Dante It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!

[''Fed up'']

Randal Well, listen to you--telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

Friendship and Mortality in a Conversation

Dante Thanks for puttin me in such a tough spot. You're a good friend.

Randal She was pretty young, huh?

Dante Twenty-two. Just like us.

Randal An embolism in a pool.

Dante What an embarrassing way to die.

Randal That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.

Dante How'd he die?

Randal He broke his neck.

Dante That's embarrassing?

Randal He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

Dante Shut the hell up.

Randal I swear.

Dante Stop it.

Randal Bible truth.

Dante Oh my God.

Randal Come on. Haven't you ever tried to suck your own dick?

Dante No!

Randal Yeah, right. You're so repressed.

Dante Because I never tried to suck my own dick?

Randal No, because you won't admit to it. As if a guy's a fuckin pervert because he tries to go down on himself. You're as curious as the rest of us, pal. You've tried it.

Dante Who found him?

Randal My cousin? My aunt found him. It was a mess. He was on his bed, with his legs doubled over himself. My aunt freaked out.

Dante Man, he had his dick in his mouth?

Randal Yeah. Balls restin on his lips.

Dante Wow! He really made it.

Randal Yeah, but at what a price?

Dante I could never reach.

Randal Reach what?

Dante Y'know.

Randal What, your dick?

Dante Yeah, like you said. I guess everyone gets curious and tries it sometime.

Randal I never tried it. Fuckin pervert.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Clerks

Cigarette Spending Among Smokers Discussed

Chewlies Gum Rep You're spending what? 20, maybe 30 dollars a week on your cigarettes?

Angry Smoking Crowd Yeah.

Woolen Cap Smoker 40.

Smoker #1 Something like that.

Smoker #2 53.

Chewlies Gum Rep 53 dollars a week on cigarettes?! Come on! Would you give somebody that much money each week to kill you? Cause that's what you're doing now by paying for this so-called privilege to smoke.

Angry Smoking Crowd Hey man, we gotta croak sometime.

Chewlies Gum Rep It's that kinda mentality that allows the cancer-producing industry to thrive. Course we're all gonna die some day. But do we have to pay for it? Do we have to actually throw hard-earned dollars down on the counter and say, "Please, Mr. Merchant of Death, please, sell me something that'll stink up my breath and my clothes and fry my lungs.

Dante Now wait a second!

Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah. Yeah, now here comes the speech about how he's just doing his job by following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another group of hatemongers that were just following orders.

Angry Smoking Crowd Who's that?

Chewlies Gum Rep They were called Nazis!

Woolen Cap Smoker Nazis, that's right.

Angry Smoking Crowd Fuckin Nazi!

Chewlies Gum Rep Yeah, and they practically wiped an entire nation of people off the Earth, just like your cigarettes are doing now.

Clerks II

The Internet's Role in Curiosity and Exploration

Dante Well, I don't know about this, Randal. I mean, how do we know this isn't a hoax? Like, were there any pictures on the Web site?

Randal Strangely, no. But if you've seen pics of one chick sucking off a donkey, you've seen them all.

Dante Well, what if you haven't ever seen pics of anything like that?

Randal Well, then you must be as blind as Anne Frank. Cause what's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look at weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?

Randal Holy shit. You know, I've never pieced this together until right now. You're a virgin, aren't you?

Elias You know I have a girlfriend, Randal.

Randal Oh, yeah. What's her name again?

Elias Myra Hodgkiss.

Randal You made her up, didn't you? That name sounds so made-up.

Elias No.

Randal Seriously, Elias, have you and Myra had sex yet?

Elias Well, that's just kind of personal, Randal.

Randal Come on! I tell you about my sex life all the time. I let you smell my fingers after I fucked Taton Weathers kid sister in the office that one time, didn't I?

Elias You kind of made me smell your fingers.

Randal Maybe you just don't like the pussy. Maybe you're all about the cock.

Elias No, no, I like the pussy.

Randal So come on. Did Myra ever give you a crack at her crack or what?

Elias Well, not that it's any of your business, Randal, but she can't.

Randal Why? Jesus, Elias, come on. You got to start trusting me more. Because once Dante's gone, you're gonna be my new best friend.

Elias No, I'm not.

Randal Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with? It's gonna be you and me, buddy. So come on. You got to start trusting me more. Open up and tell me shit. Like why haven't you fucked Myra yet?

Elias Well, we can't because of Pillow Pants.

[Sighs]

Randal What the fuck's Pillow Pants?

Elias Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy. Pillow Pants is her pussy troll. Duh. You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young to keep them from having premarital sex?

Randal Sure.

Elias Well, Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so, even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So I got to wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.

Randal And Myra told you this?

Elias Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff, Randal. You'd know this if you ever had a girlfriend.

Randal Have you and Myra even kissed yet?

Elias We would have already, if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.

Randal Lister Fiend is her mouth troll, isn't it?

Elias Women.

Randal I'll be right back.

Randal You are never gonna believe what Elias just told me.

Dante Look who it is, Randal.

[''Motions head to front'']

Lance Randal Graves. You work here, too? Jesus. Anyone else from our graduating class back there?

Randal Well, well, well... Pickle Fuck.

Lance Man, look at you two fun-ployees. Nothing's changed. You know, I'll bet dollars to donuts, when you two aren't fighting about who shit first, Han or Greedo, you can still muster up enough energy to make fun of other people.

Randal Yeah. So hurry up and order and get out of here, so we can make fun of you.

Lance Oh, I don't know if you're in a position to make fun of anyone anymore, Graves. flipping burgers? Before that, I'd heard it was the Quick Stop for, what, like, ten years?

Randal We can't all be Internet millionaires.

Elias Who's an Internet millionaire?

Randal Elias, this is Lance Dowds. We went to high school together. A few years ago, he built a search engine which compiles the lowest prices of merchandise you can buy online. You might have heard of it... MadDucketts.com.

Elias Didn't that just ]?

[[w:Ạmạzoṇ 〈ċompạṇy〉|sell to Amazon for, like, 20 million bucks]

Randal Yeah, but back before he was the Mad Ducketts guy, he was just Pickle fuck. You see, freshman year, the seniors would hunt us down and put us through what they called initiations. They'd stuff us into lockers or throw us in the girls shower room naked. But Lance here got the worst of it. The seniors yanked down his pants, and shoved a pickle up his ass, and made him walk ten feet. The pickle fell out before he hit the ten-foot mark. He had to take a bite of it, reinsert it and walk again.

Elias Ew...

Randal Yeah, but don't worry... he made it. His pickle was small enough to stay wedged after only four bites.

Lance I'll bet you're the only guy in the world who still remembers that, Graves.

Randal Oh, I bet you still remember it pretty vividly... Pickle fucker.

Elias ].

[[w:Fandom (website)|Do you have any interest in building the ultimate fan site for both The Lord of the Rings and The Transformers? Because I'd moderate it for free]

Randal Ease up, Pillow Pants. The dude's not into your ], ] bullshit.

[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|D&D; [w:GoBots|GoBots]

Lance Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't insult the guy. The GoBots are like the ] of ].

[[W:Kmart|Kmart; [w:The Transformers|Transformers]

Elias Thank you! I keep telling them that.

Lance Here, ]. Drop me a line with some of your ideas.

[[w:Email|here's my e-mail address]

Elias Cool.

Lance Okay, let's see. What do I want? Uh... how about a Skinny Calf with cheese and a Diet Coke?

Randal I'll get your order. Here you go.

[''Puts dead flies burger, puts urinal ice in drink and hands order to Lance'']

Lance Well, that was fast.

Randal And fresh.

Lance Thanks.

Randal Come again.

Jay-Jay Yo, let's wrap this up so I can get my Cow Tipper on.

[''Enters'']

Lance You know what? Take mine. Something tells me I'm not gonna like it, am I?

[''Hands order to Jay-Jay''; ''To Randal'']

Jay-Jay Wow, thanks, Pickle fucker. Yo, so Pickle fuck gave us free eats!

[''Takes order from Lance''; ''Leaves'']

Lance You know, I don't eat fast food. It's not good for you. But when I heard you guys were actually working here, well, I just had to see it for myself. It's kind of nice having that kind of free time. Just like it's kind of comforting to know that some things never change. Take care, clerks. Ooh, sick burn.

[''Imitates guns''; ''Chuckles and leaves'']

Randal Fuck this. Let me borrow your car.

Dante You're supposed to be working.

Randal I got to get out of here for a few minutes.

Clerks

Confrontation About Life Choices and Responsibilities

Dante You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Randal Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I'm the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for havin what's basically a monkey's job. You push fuckin buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You, you're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man, he has no delusions about what he does, what he is. Us? We like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fuckin advanced, what are we doin working here?

[mimicking]

Mallrats

Public Behavior and Unspoken Boundaries

Brandi Second suitor, would you ever make whoopee in public?

Brodie Already did once today. But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control. So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in, and the plane rights itself. It lands safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever you know, away and deboard. Nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

[points to Rene and smirks]

Gill Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!