Bud Abbott Quotes

Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Forgetfulness Leads to Humor in Conversation

Tubby Hey Slim? Slim? I gotta go home. I forgot something.

Slim What did you forget?

Tubby I forgot to stay there.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the Foreign Legion

Humor in Unusual Wrestling Scenarios

Bud Jones What's the ] of teaching midgets to wrestle?

[[idea]

Lou Hotchkiss They're for those small television sets.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Who Done It?

Confronting Silly Answers in Investigation

Mervin Q. Milgrim I'm getting a lot of silly answers from this guy.

Chick Larkin Well, grill him.

Mervin Q. Milgrim What?

Chick Larkin Grill him.

Mervin Q. Milgrim I'm not hungry!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Africa Screams

Forgotten Items and the Journey Home

Stanley Livington So if I draw the map I can go home?

[while in Africa]

Buzz Johnson What do you want to go home for?

Stanley Livington I forgot something.

Buzz Johnson What did you forget?

Stanley Livington I forgot to stay there.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Hit the Ice

Questioning Bank Attitudes in "Hit the Ice

Flash Fulton This bank's been stuck up.

Weejie Tubby McCoy What've they got to be stuck up for? They're no better than any other bank.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

It Ain't Hay

Doorbell Dilemma in Universal Agreement

Grover Mockridge Go answer the door. It might be Warner.

Wilbur Hoolihan It won't do no good. We're all signed up with Universal.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ride 'Em Cowboy

Mistaken Identity and Shared Responsibility

Willoughby It's all our fault. Duke and I went running to hide from the boss and I let the cow's husband out.

Duke He means the bull.

Willoughby Bull nothin it's a fact.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Buck Privates

Questioning the Purpose of Military Service

Herbie Brown Why did I join the army, anyway?

Slicker Smith To defend your native soil.

Herbie Brown Well, they don't have to feed it to me!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

Confusion Over a Baseball Player's Identity

Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, go ahead and tell me!

Dexter Broadhurst Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle The guy on first.

Dexter Broadhurst Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle The first baseman.

Dexter Broadhurst Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Have you got a first baseman on first?

Dexter Broadhurst Certainly.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Then who's playing first?

Dexter Broadhurst Absolutely.

Sebastian Dinwiddle When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Dexter Broadhurst Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Who is?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle So who gets it?

Dexter Broadhurst Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Whose wife?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Who does?

Dexter Broadhurst Absolutely.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Dexter Broadhurst Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not asking you who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I'm trying to find out.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

One Night in the Tropics

Understanding the Nature of Marriage

Costello He's gonna make a wonderful husband.

Abbott You don't even know what a husband is.

Costello A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Africa Screams

Fear of Animals Rooted in Childhood Experience

Buzz Johnson I can't understand why you have this terrible fear of animals in you. What is it?

Stanley Livington When I was a little baby I was scared by my piggy bank.

Buzz Johnson That's nonsense.

Stanley Livington You wanna hear something worse?

Buzz Johnson What?

Stanley Livington I was 15 years old before I ate my first animal cracker.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dance with Me, Henry

A Conversation About Nerves and Courage

Mushie I'll say this for you. You've got nerve.

Bud Flick Eh. You'll have to look hard to find anybody more nervous than me.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Lost in a Harem

Self-Perception and Romantic Aspirations

Peter Johnson You love her? Oh, come on, you wouldn't get to first base with a beautiful girl like that.

[laughs]

Harvey Garvey Yes, I would.

Peter Johnson Did you ever take a good look in the mirror?

Harvey Garvey No.

Peter Johnson Why not?

Harvey Garvey Why should I hurt my own feelings?

Peter Johnson Never mind!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Comin' Round the Mountain

Reflection on Ancestral Living Conditions

Wilbert How could my kin folks ever live in a joint like this?

Al Stewart Probably your forefathers lived here.

Wilbert I beg your pardon?

Al Stewart I said probably your forefathers lived here before you.

Wilbert My four fathers?

Al Stewart Yes.

Wilbert I didn't have four fathers.

Al Stewart Sure, you did.

Wilbert If I did, only one came home nights.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

Repetitive Exchange Between Characters

Dexter Broadhurst Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Who has it?

Dexter Broadhurst Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Okay.

Dexter Broadhurst Now you've got it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Then who gets it?

Dexter Broadhurst Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Okay.

Dexter Broadhurst All right.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I throw the ball to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst You don't. You throw it to Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst Well, that's it. Say it that way.

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I said.

Dexter Broadhurst You did not.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst You don't. You throw it to Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

Dexter Broadhurst No. You throw the ball to first base.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dance with Me, Henry

Information Exchange in a Tense Moment

Big Frank Little fat man, your partner's got some information we want. I think maybe you got the information too since you were there when it happened.

Lou Henry What happened?

Big Frank When the D.A. was knocked off.

Lou Henry I was unconscious when it happened.

Big Frank If it'll help your memory, we can easily render you unconscious again.

Bud Flick You've got it all wrong, Big Frank. He's just naturally unconscious.

Lou Henry Thanks, Bud!

[Smiles]

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The Naughty Nineties

The Peculiar Nature of Nicknames

Dexter Broadhurst Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Funny names?

Dexter Broadhurst Nicknames. Nicknames.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie.

Dexter Broadhurst Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Sebastian Dinwiddle Funnier than that?

Dexter Broadhurst Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have {{W|Who's on First?|Who's on first}}, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Dexter Broadhurst I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

Sebastian Dinwiddle You know the fellows names?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, then, who's playin first?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Dexter Broadhurst Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle The fellow playin first base for St. Louis.

Dexter Broadhurst Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle The guy on first base.

Dexter Broadhurst Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Well, what are you askin me for?

Dexter Broadhurst I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm asking you who's on first!

Dexter Broadhurst That's the man's name!

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's whose name?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Lost in Alaska

A Conversation About Wives and Luck

Tom Watson George, you know my wife's an angel?

George Bell You're lucky. Mine's living!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

In Society

Conversation About the Plumbing Business

Drexel How's the plumbing business?

Eddie Harrington Alright.

Albert Mansfield We manage to keep our head above water.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein

Self-Reflection and Insecurity Among Friends

Chick Young I don't get it. Out of all the guys around here, that classy dish has to pick out a guy like you.

Wilbur Grey What's wrong with that?

Chick Young Go look at yourself in the mirror sometime.

Wilbur Grey Why should I hurt my own feelings?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Ride 'Em Cowboy

Misunderstanding Between Cowboy and Cowpoke

Willoughby How do you milk this cow?

Duke No - this is a steer! The steer don't give milk.

Willoughby No?

Duke No.

Willoughby Then where does that steerilized milk come from?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mexican Hayride

A Discussion on Names and Identity

Joe Bascom Couldn't Jones make it?

Harry Lambert Oh, sure, but he'd still be a smith.

Joe Bascom How can a Jones be a Smith?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

Confusion Over Base Players' Names

Sebastian Dinwiddle What is the fellow's name on third base?

Dexter Broadhurst What is the fellow's name on second base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not askin ya who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.

Both Third base!

Sebastian Dinwiddle You got a outfield?

Dexter Broadhurst Oh, sure.

Sebastian Dinwiddle St. Louis has got a good outfield?

Dexter Broadhurst Oh, absolutely.

Sebastian Dinwiddle The left fielder's name?

Dexter Broadhurst Why.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you.

Dexter Broadhurst Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Then tell me who's playing left field.

Dexter Broadhurst Who is playing first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Stay out of the infield!

Dexter Broadhurst Don't mention their names out there.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.

Dexter Broadhurst What is on second.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not asking you who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst Now take it easy, take it easy.

Sebastian Dinwiddle And the left fielder's name?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Hollywood

A Conversation About Sleeplessness and Solutions

Buzz Kurtis You can't sleep?

Abercrombie No.

Buzz Kurtis I've got just the thing for you. Don't go away. Well, pal, here it is.

[He leaves the room and returns with a phonograph record]

Abercrombie What do you got there?

Buzz Kurtis Go To Sleep with Dr. Caswell Snide.

[reading the label]

Abercrombie Oh, no! I wanna sleep alone!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Lost in a Harem

Outsmarting Uncle Nimativ's Challenge

Peter Johnson We've got to outsmart Uncle Nimativ. You go in and outwit him.

Harvey Garvey Why should I go out with him? I'm afraid of that man!

Peter Johnson Not to go out with him. Go in and outwit him.

Harvey Garvey Why should I go in and go out with him? I mean, he don't appeal to me!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dance with Me, Henry

Misunderstandings Between Lou and Bud

Lou Henry What are you mad about? Can I help it if it didn't take any brains to fix it?

Bud Flick If it took any brains, would I need you?

Lou Henry I don't know.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Rio Rita

A Request for a Memorable Farewell

Wishy If I'm the one that gets killed, get twenty-five beautiful girls to walk around me.

Doc Why?

Wishy If I don't get up, then you know I'm dead.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Mexican Hayride

Confrontation and Assertion of Dominance

Harry Lambert What are you standing around for? Go on out there and show him who's the boss!

[Pointing to the bull]

Joe Bascom HE....KNOWS....WHO'S....BOSS!!

Harry Lambert Go on out there and face him like a picador, charge him like a matador and beat him like a toreador!

Joe Bascom And he'll carry me out like a cuspidor.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

Chewing Gum and Attire Etiquette

Dexter Broadhurst Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit!

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm chewin it in my mouth.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

Discussion on Game Strategy and Players

Dexter Broadhurst Well, don't change the players around.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not changing nobody.

Dexter Broadhurst Now, take it easy.

Sebastian Dinwiddle What's the guy's name on first base?

Dexter Broadhurst What's the guy's name on second base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not askin ya who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst He's on third. We're not talking about him.

Sebastian Dinwiddle How did I get on third base?

Dexter Broadhurst You mentioned his name.

Sebastian Dinwiddle If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Dexter Broadhurst No, who's playing first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Stay offa first, will ya?

Dexter Broadhurst Well, what do you want me to do?

Sebastian Dinwiddle Now what's the guy's name on third base?

Dexter Broadhurst What's on second.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm not asking ya who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst He's on third.

Sebastian Dinwiddle There I go, back on third again.

Dexter Broadhurst Well, I can't change their names.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.

Dexter Broadhurst Please. Now what is it you want to know?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

One Night in the Tropics

Humor in Misunderstanding Smoking Rules

Abbott Put that out. There's no smoking in here.

Costello What makes you think I'm smokin'?

Abbott You've got a cigar in your mouth!

Costello I've got shoes on... don't mean I'm walkin'.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Concerns About Transformation and Daily Support

Tubby What if this stuff changes me into a mouse again and I can't turn back?

Slim Don't worry,I'll bring you cheese every day.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Buck Privates

Encouragement and Determination in Dialogue

Slicker Smith Throw your chest out! Go on! Throw your chest out!

Herbie Brown I'm not through with it yet!

Slicker Smith Quiet.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein

Humorous Exchange About Meeting Dracula

Wilbur Grey Hey Chick, do you know what happens when you meet Dracula in the woods?

Chick Young I'll bite.

Wilbur Grey Uh-uh. You gotta stand in line!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Rio Rita

A Conversation About Education and Change

Doc Did you ever go to school, stupid?

Wishy Yeah and I came out the same way.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Lost in a Harem

A Concern for Mutual Rescue

Prince Ramo Don't worry! I'll get you out!

[from inside his jail cell]

Peter Johnson Who's gonna get YOU out?

[being locked up in a nearby cell]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Buck Privates

Age Differences in Relationships Over Time

Slicker Smith You're 40 years-old and you're in love with this little girl that's 10 years-old. You're four times as old as that girl and you couldn't marry her, could you?

Herbie Brown Not unless I come from the mountains.

Slicker Smith All right- you're 40 years-old, you're four times as old as this girl, and you can't marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl's 15 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you're at 60. You're only twice as old as that little girl.

Herbie Brown She's catching up.

Slicker Smith Yes, yes. Now here's the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?

Herbie Brown Now what kinda question is that? That's ridiculous!

Slicker Smith Ridiculous or not, answer the question.

Herbie Brown If I wait for that girl she'll pass me up. She'll wind up older than I am.

Slicker Smith What are you talking about?

Herbie Brown She'll have to wait for me!

Slicker Smith Why should she wait for you?

Herbie Brown ...I was nice enough to wait for her!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

A Conversation About Center Field

Dexter Broadhurst Why.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Because.

Dexter Broadhurst Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Center field.

Dexter Broadhurst Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Mr. Broadhurst.

Dexter Broadhurst Yes?

Sebastian Dinwiddle Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?

Dexter Broadhurst Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

Dexter Broadhurst Tomorrow.

Sebastian Dinwiddle You don't want to tell me today?

Dexter Broadhurst I'm telling you, man.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Then go ahead.

Dexter Broadhurst Tomorrow.

Sebastian Dinwiddle What time?

Dexter Broadhurst What time what?

Sebastian Dinwiddle What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Dexter Broadhurst Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on...

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.

Dexter Broadhurst Then why come up here and ask?

Sebastian Dinwiddle I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

Dexter Broadhurst What's on second.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't know.

Both Third base!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Buck Privates

A Question About Time and Privacy

Herbie Brown What time is it?

Slicker Smith None of your business!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Abbott and Costello Go to Mars

Claiming Mars for America

Lester I hereby claim Mars in the name of the United States of America.

Orville Me too.

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Lost in a Harem

Grammar and Timing in Conversation

Harvey Garvey Do I have to especially go now?

Peter Johnson You just split an infinitive!

Harvey Garvey Well, I mean that... Does it show?

[feeling his own rear end]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

In the Navy

Nautical Terminology and Attitudes in Conversation

Smokey Adams If you asked a seaman how fast the ship was going, he wouldn't say "Miles" to you. He'd say "Knots" to you.

Pomeroy Watson Well, nuts to him, too, if that's the way he feels!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

A Car Race Inquiry Among Friends

Bill Gregory That's my car, hey Slick, who's racing my car?

Slicker Smith I don't know, I'll ask Herbie... Herbie? Herbie can't drive!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Africa Screams

Discussion of Salary Raise

Buzz Johnson Mr Livington, what about that raise I've been asking for?

Stanley Livington I'll talk to my partner if he's in.

Buzz Johnson Thank you, Sir.

Stanley Livington He's in.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Lost in a Harem

A Secret Passage to Escape

The Derelict I know a secret passage that will take us out.

Harvey Garvey Swell!

The Derelict Shhh!

[to Harvey]

Harvey Garvey Shhh!

[to Pete]

Peter Johnson Go ahead.

[whispering]

The Derelict Follow me.

Peter Johnson Go ahead - follow him.

Harvey Garvey Okay.

Peter Johnson Go ahead.

[impatiently]

The Derelict Where are you taking me?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Buck Privates

Talking to Oneself in Public Spaces

Slicker Smith What did you say?

[Herbie mumbles something during a drill routine]

Herbie Brown I'm just talking to myself.

Slicker Smith Well, don't talk so loud!

Herbie Brown Well, I gotta hear what I have to say.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff

Unanswered Question About a Gun's Origin

Casey Edwards Freddie, where did you that gun?

Freddie Phillips I don't know.

Casey Edwards Freddie, for the last time! Where did you get that gun?

Freddie Phillips I don't know.

Casey Edwards Where did you get that gun?

Freddie Phillips Hey, that's not fair. You said "for the last time". I answered it.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

The Naughty Nineties

A Catcher's Name Revealed

Sebastian Dinwiddle You gotta catcher?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle The catcher's name?

Dexter Broadhurst Today.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

Dexter Broadhurst Now you've got it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.

Dexter Broadhurst Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?

Sebastian Dinwiddle Gotta catcher?

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I'm a good catcher, too, you know.

Dexter Broadhurst I know that.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

Dexter Broadhurst Well, I might arrange that.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Dexter Broadhurst Now, that's the first thing you've said right.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I don't even know what I'm talking about!

Dexter Broadhurst Well, that's all you have to do.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Is to throw it to first base.

Dexter Broadhurst Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Now who's got it?

Africa Screams

Tent Fire Causes Water Retrieval Emergency

Buzz Johnson Where're you going with the water?

[sees Harry with a glass of water]

Harry Oh my tent's on fire!

Rio Rita

Last Minute Decisions and Communication

Wishy Answer the phone.

Doc It's not ringing.

Wishy Why wait to the last minute?

The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap

A Cleverly Planned Encounter with Bandits

Chester Wooley We stop the stage, the bandits are waiting for the stage, and then you show up instead of the stage.

Duke Egan That's pretty well-staged.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the Foreign Legion

Shared Discontent After a Fall

Bud Jones I'm not the least bit happy with that fall!

Lou Hotchkiss That makes two of us.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man

Concerns About an Invisible Driver

Bud Alexander I hope he's got his driver's license.

Lou Francis I hope he's in the car!

Rio Rita

Aspirations and Humorous Realities of Life

Wishy I want to be like the Rangers when I die. I want to die with my boots on.

Doc Why?

Wishy I got holes in my socks.

Lost in Alaska

Too Cold for Flying on a Broom

Tom Watson Oh, it's much too cold for you to be flying around on a broom!

[after Mrs. McGillicuddy, the landlady, threatens to get the police and have them arrested for nonpayment of rent]

Lost in a Harem

A Conversation on Kindness and Identity

The Derelict Gentleman... He called me a gentleman! Thank you.

[to Pete]

Peter Johnson That's all right.

The Derelict Those are the first kind words I've heard in years. You see I haven't always been a derelict... like you!

[pointing to Harvey]

Harvey Garvey Hey, now, don't call me those kind of bad names.

The Derelict Would you like to hear my story?

Harvey Garvey No.

The Derelict Very well, then I'll tell it to you.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein

Understanding Women: A Humorous Exchange

Chick Young Professor Stevens, do you understand women?

Professor Stevens I don't even try.

Lost in Alaska

A Playful Exchange About Hair Styles

Tom Watson Why Mrs. McGillicuddy, how charming you look. I know it's your hair. You've done something different to it.

George Bell She put it on her head!

The Naughty Nineties

Miscommunication Between Friends

Sebastian Dinwiddle Then who gets it?

Dexter Broadhurst Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I'm saying.

Dexter Broadhurst You're not saying that.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Excuse me, folks.

Dexter Broadhurst It's all right. I'm sorry, folks.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I throw the ball to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst You throw it to Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst Naturally. Well, say it that way.

Sebastian Dinwiddle That's what I'm saying.

Dexter Broadhurst Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.

Sebastian Dinwiddle I throw the ball to first base.

Dexter Broadhurst Then Who gets it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle He better get it.

Dexter Broadhurst That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Hmmph.

Dexter Broadhurst Hmmph.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.

Dexter Broadhurst Uh-huh.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play.

Dexter Broadhurst Yeah. It could be.

Sebastian Dinwiddle Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.

Dexter Broadhurst What was that?

Sebastian Dinwiddle I said, I don't care.

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff

A Misunderstanding About a Deceased Person

Casey Edwards It's Milford. Strickland's secretary.

Freddie Phillips What's he hangin around here for?

Casey Edwards He's hang — He's dead, you dope.

In the Navy

School Experience and Its Impact on Intelligence

Smokey Adams Did you ever go to school, stupid?

Seaman Pomeroy Watson Yeah, and I come out the same way.

Comin' Round the Mountain

In-Laws or Out-Laws?

Al Stewart What's going on out there?

Wilbert My in-laws, they're acting like out-laws!

Africa Screams

Creating a Hero Against Your Will

Buzz Johnson I'm going to make a hero out of you whether you like it or not.

[to Stanley]

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Hollywood

Memorable Faces and Lasting Impressions

Abercrombie A face like mine is hard to forget.

Buzz Kurtis How do you know?

Abercrombie I've been tryin for years!

Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

The Duality of Identity Explained

Slim Now look! You can't make two persons out of one. If there's a monster, there's a monster. If there's a Dr. Jekyll, there's a Dr. Jekyll. But one can't be the other.

Tubby Now listen Slim. All I know is that I locked up the monster and when I came back, Dr. Jekyll was there. You know I'm no magician.

Dance with Me, Henry

A Conversation About Breathing Techniques

Bud Flick Keep your mouth shut.

Lou Henry I will not. I breathe through my mouth.

Bud Flick Well, breathe through your nose.

Lou Henry Do you breathe through your nose?

Bud Flick Yes.

Lou Henry Then you keep your mouth shut!

Africa Screams

Planning an Adventure Safari in Africa

Buzz Johnson You mean, you intend to take a trip to ]?

[[Africa]

Diana Emerson Very differently, I'm planning a safari.

The Noose Hangs High

Bravery in Facing Dental Pain

Ted Higgins I'd like to have a tooth pulled. I want no anesthetic and I don't care how much it hurts.

Dentist's Assistant Oh my, what a brave man you are! What tooth is it?

Ted Higgins Show her the tooth.

[turns to Tommy]

Lost in Alaska

Desires Amidst Wealth and Weariness

Tom Watson Nugget Joe, you've got everything in the world to live for. The richest gold mine in Alaska. Why with that kind of money, you can get any kind of girl you want. Why worry about that one girl?

Nugget Joe McDermott I don't want any girl. I want Rosette.

George Bell I want to go to sleep! I'm tired.

Who Done It?

Indifference to Dental Investment

Chick Larkin She's only got a couple of buck teeth.

[about Juliet Collins]

Mervin Q. Milgrim Why do I care what she paid for them?

Who Done It?

Mervin's Unexpected Reason for Going Upstairs

Mervin Q. Milgrim I gotta go back upstairs and get something...

[nauseous]

Chick Larkin What have you gotta get?

Mervin Q. Milgrim My stomach...

In Society

The Consequences of Betrayal Among Friends

Drexel You know I never told you fellas this but I'm quite a fortune teller. I can see into the future. I see two plumbers they're doing pretty good.

[Grabs a big glass paper weight then looks into it]

Albert Mansfield More competition.

Drexel But they're double-crossing a friend of theirs who gave them their start.

Albert Mansfield That's what I call being ungrateful. I have no use for those kind of people.

Drexel This friend of theirs is getting mad. Now he wants them to cooperate with him or pay back the money he gave them. He's giving them till six o'clock tonight to get it.

Eddie Harrington But suppose they can't get it by six o'clock tonight?

Drexel Then I see two plumbers floating down the river and one of them's a little fat guy.

[Hands the paper weight to Albert and leaves]

Eddie Harrington What's the matter?

Albert Mansfield The joke is on him.

Eddie Harrington Why?

Albert Mansfield I can't swim.

Lost in Alaska

A Conversation About a Fast Dog Team

George Bell This is the fastest dog team in the whole world.

Tom Watson What do you mean?

George Bell Get a load of all my dogs. See the first dog? That's Butch. Then there's George. Then there's Albert. Then there's Gene. Then there's Joe

Tom Watson What makes them so fast?

George Bell You see the lead dog? Her name is Gloria.

Who Done It?

The Consequences of Solving the Case

Chick Larkin If we solve this case, the public will be begging for "MUCK AND MIRE'.

Mervin Q. Milgrim And if the murderer gets us, we'll do plenty of begging, too!

Memorable Quotes from Bud Abbott

find it. watch it.