Cheech Marin Quotes

Cheech Yeah, real funny, man... so funny I forgot to laugh...

Cheech We should have a dope-a-thon. You know try to raise money for like all the people that lost their crops.

El Mariachi Is there something to drink?

Short Bartender You got something in the guitar case?

El Mariachi Yeah...

Short Bartender What?

El Mariachi A guitar...

Man Stoner Ohhh! Ohhh!

Pedro Hey, man, how far you goin', man?

Man Stoner Oh, right here would be fine, man!

Pedro Oh, you ain't scared of a little speed, are ya, man?

Man Stoner Wha, you got some speed, man?

Pedro Huh? Oh. Speed? Uh, no, I ain't got no speed, man. But you know what I do got, though, man? I got a joint, man!

Man Stoner Oh, wow. Alright.

Pedro Here, light that thing up, man, let's get Chinese-eyed, man.

Man Stoner What kind of joint is this, man?

Pedro Oh, it's a heavy duty joint, man.

Man Stoner Looks like a toothpick, man.

Pedro Naw, it's not a toothpick, man.

Man Stoner Hey, it IS a toothpick, man.

Pedro Aw, man, it's... it IS a toothpick! I must got it in another pocket, man. Hold on, I got the shit right here, man. Oh, that's my dick. Yeah, there we go. Hey, there you go, man. Light that sucker up, man. And go to the moon.

Man Stoner Jeez, I hope your dick's bigger than this, man.

Pedro Hey, man, you wanna get out and walk, man?

Arresting Officer Sir, could I please see your license?

Pedro Whuut?

Arresting Officer Your license. Where's your license?

Pedro My license? It's on the bumper, man, back there, man!

Arresting Officer No, I mean your DRIVER'S license.

Pedro Oh. Oh, yeah, I got my driver's license, man... Hey, I thought'a somethin really funny, man... Your mother!

Arresting Officer Sir, what's your name?

Pedro Uuhhh... Isn't it on the license, man? Yeah, that's it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that's my name...

Pedro Way anchor! How much does it weigh? I don't know, I forgot! Pffhhh! Ha-ha, I saw that in a movie once...!

Cop What do you guys want?

Pedro Nothing.

Cop Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?

Pedro Huh? No, man, here, take the whole thing. Want some fritos?

Cop No, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?

Man Stoner Hey, man, what was that dude's trip? I mean, what was he on, man?

Pedro Man, I don't know, but I wish we had some of it!

Man Stoner Man, my legs hurt.

Pedro Yeah, I bet!

El Nebuloso Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?

El Segundo Why, God, of course.

El Nebuloso And who is God's personal representative in these parts?

El Segundo Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.

El Nebuloso Well, God wants to keep all of it.

Buscemi The stranger shot him, walked over to the bartender, paid, and left.

Short Bartender So the bartender lived? The bartender never gets killed!

Buscemi But as the stranger neared the door...

Buscemi No man, the bartender got it worse than anybody.

Cheech Ooh, Oaxaca. Ooh, sensi. How are you, my darling? Oh, God, your buds are getting so big. I have to get you a training bra. You got some lint in your belly button there. There you go. All right. Okay, you guys, be cool.

Pedro Hey, man, am I driving okay?

Man Stoner I think we're parked, man.

Man Mr. Cortez. Your children called. Some sort of emergency.

Felix Gumm Well, I'm their uncle.

Strawberry Ahhh, look at that, man, the great outdoors, huh!

Pedro Yeah, the great outdoors...

Pedro It's punk rock, Man! We can do that; we can be punks, Man!

Cheech Hey, scratch my balls, man... anybody scratch my balls!

Chong Hey, how much money do we have now?

Cheech All together?

Chong Yeah, all together?

Cheech Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have $17,000,000!

Chong Really?

Cheech Oh, wait, well, um, 17, something. Who cares? We're rich, man.

Short Bartender ¡MATALO!

El Mariachi Not yet.

Chong Hey, man, that dude looked kinda straight to be buying dope.

Cheech Hey, man, don't worry about it. I checked him out myself, man. He ain't a cop. I can smell cops a mile away, man. They smell like coffee and doughnuts.

Chong You know what I wanna do when I die, man?

Cheech What?

Chong I'm gonna get cremated, man.

Cheech Yeah?

Chong Yeah. Then I wanna get my ashes put in a baggie, you know.

Cheech Yeah?

Chong Then I'm gonna have all my friends - we'll have a party and then everybody will smoke me. Mix it with some good shit, you know.

Cheech Remind me not to be one of your friends when you die.

Pick-up guy This reminds me of a joke. This guy, he comes into a bar, walks up to the Bartender and says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you 300 dollars that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single solitary drop." The bartender says ... now one more time this glass is like a good ten feet away ... he says, "Now wait a minute. Let me get this straight. You're trying to tell me you're gonna bet me 300 dollars that YOU can piss standing over here waaay over there, into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" The guy looks up smiling and says, "That's right." The bartender says, "Young man you gotta bet!" The guy says, "Okay, here we go, here we go." He pulls out his thang. He's looking at the glass, man he's thinking about the glass, he's thinking about the glass, he thinks glass, he's thinking of the glass, think glass, thinking about his dick. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Be the glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. Dick, glass. And then SWOOOSH. He let's it rip! And he's ... he's pissin all over the place, man! He's pissin on the bar ... he's pissin on the stools, on the floor, on the phone ... on the bartender ... He's pissing everywhere EXCEPT the fucking glass! Right. Okay, so, bartender, he's laughing his fucking ass off, he's 300 dollars richer. He's like, "Ha Ha Ha Ha." Piss drippin off his face. "Ha Ha Ha Ha" He says, "You FUCKIN idiot, man. You pissed in everything EXCEPT the glass!! You owe me 300 dollars puta." And he goes, "Excuse me, just one, one second." Goes in the back of the bar, and in the back there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them ... comes back to the bar and goes, "Here you go Mr. Bartender, three." And the bartender's like, "WHAT the fuck are you so happy about, you just lost 300 dollars you idiot?!" The guy says, "Well, you see those guys over there. I just bet them 500 dollars APIECE, that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on YOU, and not only would you be not mad about it ... you'd be happy.

Short Bartender Bad beer, bad service. Don't people know not to come in here?

Bucho Can't you people see that we are fucking closed?

Ignacio Hmmm... Tell you what. Why don't we have, like, one guy on each end, and, like, Lupe in the middle, huh?

Cheech Dope! Do-o-o-o-pe! How come nobody don't want to buy no dope? Dope, I say dope I say do-o-o-o-o-pe. Who wants to buy dope?

Chong Hey, listen, there's a lot of smart dudes who do coke, man.

Cheech Yeah? Like who?

Chong Like, ] does coke. And he isn't so stupid.

Cheech Sherlock Holmes?

Timothy Leary You want the key?

Cheech Hey, please, Doc. Get me outta here. Let me be free. I just want the key, okay?

Timothy Leary You're sure you want to be free?

Cheech Yeah! Yeah! I want to be free. Just give me the key, okay? Please.

Timothy Leary Come here. Stick out your tongue.

Cheech What?

Timothy Leary Stick out your tongue. There's the key.

Cheech This is not the key. I want the key.

Timothy Leary That's the key to the universe.

Cheech Those are the ugliest chicks I ever saw in my life.

Chong No kidding, man. But if they're so ugly, how come you were hitting on them?

Cheech I wasn't hitting on them, man.

Chong Well, that part about asking them if they were models, man.

Cheech I was trying to be nice, man.

Chong Models for Kal-Can dog food.

Man Stoner No, hey, man, if we're gonna wear uniforms, man, you know let's have everybody wear something different.

Pedro Yea, that's it. Yea, we want something where everybody wears something different, man, but the same, you know?

Pedro Don't worry, man. Those aren't narcs, they're Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.

Man Stoner What's the Immigration Service doing here, man?

Pedro My cousin needed a ride to his brother's wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They'll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they'll just come back across the border.

Man You wanna get high, man?

Pedro Does Howdy Doody have wooden Balls, man?

Border Guard So, how long you've been in Mexico?

Pedro A week. I mean a day.

Border Guard Well, which is it? A week or a day?

Pedro A weekday.

Romeo Posar You're a head case. You always have been, always will be.

Man Stoner Hey, hey, don't take those, man.

Pedro Wha...?

Man Stoner I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.

Pedro Hey, man, I already took em, man.

Man Stoner Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo...

Pedro Hey, whaddaya mean "ho ho ho ho ho"?

Man Stoner Oh... HU-WOW, MAN!

Pedro Hey, what was that shit, man?

Man Stoner You just take the most acid I've ever seen anybody eat in my life!

Pedro Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.

Man Stoner Jeez, I hope you're not busy for about a month...

Pedro Hey, I've seen those guys walking around my neighborhood that took too much acid, man. The one guy, his head's swelled up like a pumpkin...

Man Stoner No, that's good acid, man.

Pedro Another time, there was this guy...

Man Stoner Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?

Clyde - Narc Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive... we are...

Sgt. Stedenko Use the codename! The codename!

Clyde - Narc Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. This is Codename Hardhead.

Sgt. Stedenko Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.

Man Stoner Was that Lardass?

Sgt. Stedenko Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?

Man Stoner Hey, I got somethin for ya, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko Hardhat! Hard... Hat! Do you understand?

Pedro Lardass, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?

Pedro Naw, who is this is?

Sgt. Stedenko This is Sergeant Stedenko!

Pedro Oh yeah, you know who this is?

Sgt. Stedenko No!

Pedro Bye-bye, Lardass!

Chong You know what I think we should invest in, man?

Cheech What?

Chong A rest home for old hippies.

Cheech Yeah?

Chong Cause, man, you know, like, hippies have been around since the 60's man.

Cheech Yeah.

Chong You know, and there really isn't like a hip place for em to go when they get real old, you know.

Cheech Yeah.

Chong You know, how I see it, you know, it's like a regular rest home except you have all the dope you can smoke, you know, for these old people. They'd listen to all the music they want, you know.

Cheech Like we could call it: Laid Back Manor.

Chong Yeah! Hey, great. Yeah.

Cheech That'd be heavy.

Chong Because, you know, I mean, like, what do people do when they get old? You know, they usually keep them stoned, laid-back.

Chong You know, I could be your daddy.

Cheech You could be my daddy, man?

Chong Yeah, I used to fuck buffalo.

Arresting Officer And what is your name, sir?

Pedro Whut? I told you my name, man!

Arresting Officer Sir... what's YOUR name?

Pedro Hey, man! The dude wants to know your name, man!

Pedro Uuhhh - His name is RAALLLPH, man!

Romeo Posar Look, boss, I only got one rule. And that's never bet money that you don't have on a dog race with an ex-girlfriend who happens to be a stripper.

Cheech Now you know what I want you to do, don't you? And it ain't prayin', cop.

Pedro I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?

Man Stoner Tied stick?

Pedro Yeah, you know that stuff that's tied to a stick.

Man Stoner Ohh, THAI stick.

Short Bartender Fuck you man! That's the cleanest one I got!

Buscemi Oh, this is damn good! Say, this is the best beer I've ever had. Actually, I'm just glad to be alive right now. I was up a few towns away... you know Saragosa? I was visiting a bar there, not unlike this one. They serve beer ... not quite as good as this, but close. And I saw something you wouldn't believe. I'm sitting there see, small table all by myself at this bar. It's full of real lowlifes. I mean, not like this place here. No, I mean bad. Like they were up to no good. Anyway, I'm by myself ... I like it that way. Meanwhile, things are going on ... under the table kinds of things. Not too obvious but, not too secret either. So, I'm sitting there. And in walks the biggest Mexican I have ever seen. Big as shit. Just walks right in like he owns the place. And nobody knew quite what to make of him ... or quite what to think. There he was and in he walked. He was dark too. I don't mean dark-skinned. No, this was different. It was if he was always walking in a shadow. I mean every step he took toward the light, just when you thought his face was about to be revealed ... it wasn't. It was as if the lights dimmed, just for him.

Ignacio What's your story?

Paulie I'm Paulie, and I'm looking for someone named Marie Alweather. Can you tell me where I am?

Ignacio You're in L. A.. East L. A..

Paulie East L. A.? East L. A.! I made it! I made it!

Ignacio You can talk?

Paulie They can talk.

Ignacio Them? They don't talk! I say "taco", they say "taco".

Parrots Taco, taco, taco, taco!

Paulie Are they okay?

Ignacio Sure, they're okay. But, I don't know about me. I'm talking to a bird. Okay. I'm talking to a bird. Is her daddy's name Moe?

Paulie Uh-uh. Warren.

Ignacio Oh. Well, I'm sorry, amigo. Such an Alweather is not in this phone book. Maybe they have an unlisted number. How can I get him into playing this game? You know, I've been thinking. Can you carry a tune, or a dance, or anything?

Paulie What do you mean?

Pepe Art sure is ugly.

Neil Shows how much you know about art. The uglier the art, the more it's worth.

Pepe This must be worth a fortune, man.

Romeo Posar You won't listen to me, will you? Even when I'm trying to help you, man. After all these years you think I'm full of shit?

Cheech Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke, this shit happens.

Chong Hey, wait a minute, man. How come every time I do coke, you say that "every time you do coke" thing?

Cheech We're rich. Hey, let's buy a villa in ]. That'd be great. We could just...

Chong I'm gonna get some more guitars.

Cheech Yeah?

Chong Yeah, I wanna get a Fender. No, I don't like Fenders, man. No, I'll get one anyway.

Cheech Let's get one of those big, white houses, man. You know, like, with a veranda, you know. With a porch. We'd be sitting out there sipping pina colonics, man.

Chong Pina colonics?

Cheech Yeah.

Chong What's that?

Cheech You know, they make them in a blender, man. You know.

Chong Oh, yeah.

Cheech Yeah. We'd have topless ladies, man. Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings. You know, buy a little island. We'll put two little chairs on a little hill, and every day at noon we'll go up there and all the natives will bow down to us and we'll throw them joints, you know. I like to help the little people, man. Like, that's important in life.

Pedro Man, what is in this shit, man?

Man Stoner Mostly Maui Waui, man.

Pedro Yeah?

Man Stoner But it's got some Labrador in it.

Pedro What's Labrador?

Man Stoner It's dog shit.

Pedro What?

Man Stoner Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man. I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man.

Pedro Yeah?

Man Stoner So I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?

Pedro You mean we're smokin dog shit, man?

Man Stoner Gets ya high, don't it?

Man Stoner I think it's even better than before, you know?

Pedro Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.