Chevy ChaseQuotes

Dr. Farthing: What I don’t understand is, when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn’t seem fair to me. Especially when he’s gonna kill me in four days anyway.

Tom Brandston: [throwing snowballs at a billboard of Chad Symmonz] First one, my butt! Liar!! Liar!!

Ellen Griswold: Clark, why don't we just forget the "Pig-in-a-Poke" itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?

Clark Griswold: Honey, we're not normal people. We're the Griswolds.

Clark Griswold: Get in.

Rusty Griswold: What Happened?

Audrey Griswold: Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.

Clark Griswold: Hello, my family and I were looking for sex.

German Neighbor: Schweinhund!

Clark Griswold: What are we looking for?

Audrey Griswold: Sechs (pronounced sex) Dad.

Clark Griswold: That'll do Audrey.

Rusty Griswold: Dad that's German for six.

Clark Griswold: There's the left bank kids. I bet you can't guess what bank is on the right.

Rusty Griswold: The Bank of America.

Rusty Griswold: That's it! That's what I want my hair to look like dad!

Clark Griswold: Oh Rusty you don't want to look like a rooster do you?

Rusty Griswold: Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?

Clark Griswold: That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.

Ellen Griswold: Look back there!

Clark Griswold: Yeah, it's a hooker...

Ellen Griswold: Look who she's with!

Clark Griswold: Russell Griswold!

Rusty Griswold: Oink-Oink my good man.

Clark Griswold: Aw, there's Buckingham Palace, kids, that's where the Queen lives and works.

Audrey Griswold: What does she do?

Clark Griswold: She queens. And she vacuums.

Ellen Griswold: Clark, you're on the wrong side of the road.

Clark Griswold: Yes I know, honey, I'm also on the wrong side of the car.

Clark Griswold: There it is, kids. My mother's land.

Rusty Griswold: Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.

Clark Griswold: Shut up, Russ.

Stewardess: Can I get you anything to drink?

Clark Griswold: Honey? I guess I'll have a Coke.

Stewardess: Do you want that in the can?

Clark Griswold: No, I'll have it right here.

Clark Griswold: [about Stonehenge] Take a last look kids, At one of man's most curious creations, built to stand the test of time and the elements, the war, you name it, A thing of glory for a million in future generations to see, and we were here.

Clark Griswold: Yeah country's eons old kids, that's centuries to you and me.

Clark Griswold: [singing] Oh the hills are alive with the sound of Griswold/this shit's been around for a very long time.

Clark Griswold: (The car is stuck in a traffic circle) Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament.

Jack Shepard: Cindy, what are you wearing?

Cindy Collins: It's my alter eggo.

Jack Shepard: You mean your "alter ego"?

Cindy Collins: I'm a princess.

Jack Shepard: Cindy, you're not a princess.

Cindy Collins: But I look pretty.

Jack Shepard: Yeah, but pretty girls don't have any real friends and they never get any respect. I mean, take Miss Holloway for instance.

Marsha Holloway: Hey.

Dr. Grant: [Cindy throws the 2.5-ton object] Scatter.

Jack Shepard: Nice toss, Cindy. Yeah, really good. Why don't you get a juice box and, uh, and a Rice Krispy treat?

Cindy Collins: [singing] A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P...

Jack Shepard: Stop that! You're singing the alphabet. That-That's not-That's not a power. And your voice is average, it's not super.

Cindy Collins: [throws the table] It is too super.

Dr. Grant: Get another table in here please, right away.

Larraby: I told you not to call me unless the world was going to end.

Dr. Grant: I don't know about the world ending, but we've been tracking a pan-dimensional anomaly that seems to be moving toward our time-space continuum.

Larraby: Dr. Grant, I speak Greek, not geek.

Dr. Grant: Let me put it this way. Concussion is still alive, and he's coming back.

Larraby: He was destroyed.

Dr. Grant: Nope.

Larraby: We were there. We both saw it.

Dr. Grant: Nope.

Larraby: [Dr. Grant hands him Jack's file; walks away] The time has come. I'm reactivating the Zenith program. Find me some kids. Misfits, outcasts, weirdos. Gimme that file. Zoom is the only one who can train them. Now get to Long Beach, find him, evaluate his condition, and bring back here.

Dr. Grant: [referring to Jack] You know he won't cooperate.

Larraby: [walks away again] You won the Nobel Prize, doctor. You'll think of something.

Clark Griswold: My pen burst. (after hotel employee notices Clark's arm is blue from falling in the plane's toilet)

Clark Griswold: Oh, Keno! This is easy.

Clark Griswold: ...and he want's to enter that garden, with a knowledge, and a mulch...

Clark Griswold: Don't think unnatural thoughts about your cousin, Rus.

Clark Griswold: His name is not Papagiorgio. His name is Rusty Griswold and he's a C+ student!

Clark Griswold: Eddie, This is great! They don't have any of these games at the Mirage.

Clark Griswold: It's my long-life food preservative. The FDA finally approved it!

Clark Griswold: Hard six coming out.

Clark Griswold: That's nothing, it's a...birthmark.

Dusty Bottoms: Time for plan B. Plan A was to break into El Guapo's fortress.

Carmen: And that you have done, now what?

Dusty Bottoms: Well we really dont have a plan B. We didn't expect for the first plan to work. Sometimes you can overplan these things.

Ned Nederlander: [whispers] Tell us we will die like dogs.

El Guapo: You will die like dogs!

Dusty Bottoms: No, we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions!

Bartender: We don't have no beer, just tequila.

Ned Nederlander: What's tequila?

Bartender: ...It's like beer...

Dusty Bottoms: Is it fattening?

Bartender: ...Fat-ten-ing?

Dusty Bottoms: Hey, Lucky, what are you gonna do with your share of the money?

Lucky Day: [thinks] A car. A big, shiny silver car. I'll drive all over Hollywood. Show Flugleman a thing or two. What about you?

Dusty Bottoms: New York. Maybe Paris. Champagne. Parties. I'll be a big shot for a while.

Lucky Day: Yeah.

Dusty Bottoms: How about you, Ned?

Ned Nederlander: I'm gonna start a foundation to help homeless children.

Dusty Bottoms: [he and Lucky realize how selfless that is compared to their ideas] That occurred to me to do that at one point, too.

Lucky Day: Well, I meant that I would do that first, and then I would get a big shiny car.

Dusty Bottoms: Do you have anything besides Mexican food?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?

Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [[w:JCPenney|JCPenney] Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? ]?

Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [Fitz-Hume smashes terminal] It's broken.

Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.

Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.

Austin Millbarge: They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [to Karen] You uh - want to go out with a bang?

Karen Boyer: I beg your pardon?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: It was just an idea.

Karen Boyer: You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, it's not such a bad idea.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [after launching the missile] What did she say?

Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.

Austin Millbarge: [Faint music plays in the distance by the missile; [w:Soul Finger|Soul Finger; [w:Bar-Kays|Bar-Kays] It's... "]" by the ].

Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin a hard time getting gigs.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a grenade] Hey! What's this?

Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!

Russian Interrogator #1: Why are you here?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [trying to buy time by making something up] All right! All right, I'm an American agent!

Russian Interrogator #2: And...?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!

Russian Interrogator #2: I knew it! Pay up, comrade!

Russian Interrogator #1: unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.

Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?

Russian Interregator #2: Yours.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!

Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.

Austin Millbarge: They aren't doctors.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you mean?

Austin Millbarge: That metal case she was packing on her horse.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, what about it?

Austin Millbarge: It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a sophisticated woman.

Austin Millbarge: It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: And...Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors.

Austin Millbarge: [trying to speak alone with Fitz-Hume] I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.

Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!

Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?

Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.

Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man!

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [beat; Fitz-Hume shows a picture from his wallet] I think it's too late to try and impress them. Alright; Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay... This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?

Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?

Austin Millbarge: To pee with.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?

Alice: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Can I borrow your tent?

Emmett Fitz-Hume: My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm sorry I'm late; I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: [subtle laugh from the reporters] Are there any Paraguayans here? Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

Capt. Tom Everett: If I pull the arrow out, will you p-please s-suck out the poison?

Ty Webb: Let me get this straight. You pull it out, I suck. Is there any money in it for me?

Ty Webb: We're talking mucho dinero, and probably some American money too.

Ty Webb: You know I'm always shooting myself with one of those poison-dipped, crossbow darts. I don't know why they don't put a warning on those things.

Andy Farmer: [Andy and Elizabeth are showing Redbud to prospective buyers Bud and Betsy after hiring the town to "act normal"] This is going to cost us a fortune.

Elizabeth Farmer: The fifty-dollar bonus was YOUR idea.

Andy Farmer: [smiling] Little slice of heaven, isn't it, Bud?

Elizabeth Farmer: I'm willing to conceive that our marriage has been just a series of mutual betrayals! I know it! YOU know it! Even Yellow Dog knows it!

Andy Farmer: I know it and you know it! Yellow Dog doesn't even know what town he's in!

Andy Farmer: Being a fake is what I do best.

Andy Farmer: As a novelist, I turned out to be a pretty good sportswriter.

Andy Farmer: You don't know a damn thing about writing! You're a goddamn schoolteacher, not an editor!

Andy Farmer: Call me Mr. Lamb Fries!

Andy Farmer: We came to Redbud filled with hopes and dreams of a better life. And basically, we've seen those hopes and dreams crushed and battered before our very eyes.

Andy Farmer: Cue the deer.