Craig T. Nelson Quotes

Bernard Osterman The truth is just a lie that hasn't been found out.

Coach Jimmy, you put your clothes on! Jimmy! Damn it!

Jimmy Watch my icy, hot superslide.

Chazz Do it.

Jimmy I will.

Chazz It's not going to matter because you're flat in front like Ken!

Chazz Bunk beds?

Jimmy I don't share rooms.

Chazz I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.

Jimmy It's dark for everyone, moron.

Chazz Not for Alaskans or dudes wearing night-vision goggles.

Coach All right, this has got to stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team. You understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together. You are going to pee together. You're going to file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now. End of discussion.

Darren MacElroy You're fired.

Coach What?! I brought you the gold medal.

Darren MacElroy No, you brought me half a gold medal. If I wanted him to share I would have bought him a brother.

Skip Donahue I want a bigger cell! With better ventilation!

Deputy Ward Wilson Why? Grossberger been farin on ya?

Steff He didn't quit.

Nickerson What did you say?

Steff Salvucci, he didn't quit. None of us quit. I don't know. We beat those guys asses up and down that field tonight! We got nothing to be ashamed of, right? Isn't that right? Maybe the scoreboard doesn't say it, but we won that game. We held them. It was just a fluke. That's all. It's just a fluke.

Nickerson A fluke? That pass-interference penalty was no fluke. If you had done it the way I taught you, they never would've been down there in the first place, and they never would've scored, and we would've won that game! You're just as responsible as he is.

Steff Oh, yeah? If you would've had Rifleman hold the ball, then we would've won the game. We didn't quit. You quit!

Nickerson Get your stuff and get the hell out of here right now.

Steff What?

Nickerson You heard me. You get out of here. You're through. You're off the team.

Bernard Osterman It ain’t legal, but it sure as hell isn’t traitorous.

Martin How I built this company with my own two hands. Just me, that computer and an $8 million loan from my father.

James King You really did it all on your own.

Steve Freeling You son of a bitch! You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you?! You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the headstones! YOU ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES! WHY?! WHY?!

Jimmy So, Coach. I was thinking about the music for our routine.

Coach Really?

Chazz We're gonna skate to one song, and one song only: "]" by the Black Eyed Peas. What you gonna do with all that junk? / All that junk inside your trunk? / I'm gonna get you, get you drunk / Get you drunk off my lady humps / My humps, my humps / My lovely lady humps.

Jimmy I don't even know what that means.

Chazz No one knows what it means, but it's provocative.

Jimmy No, it's not. It's gross.

Chazz It gets the people going.

Jimmy This ice has not been properly zambonied. And where's the warm-down room?

Coach We don't have any of that. What we got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

Arthur The one thing that bothered me, the one thing that stayed in my mind and I couldn't get rid of it, that haunted me, was why? Why would she lie? What was her motive for lyin'? If my client is innocent, she's lying. Why? Was it blackmail? No. Was it jealousy? No. Yesterday, I found out why. She doesn't have a motive. You know why? Because she's not lying. And ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution is not gonna get that man today. No! Because I'm gonna get him! My client, the Honorable Henry T. Fleming, should go right to FUCKIN JAIL! The son of a bitch is GUILTY! That man is guilty! That man, there, that man is a SLIME! He is a slime! If he's allowed to go free, then something really wrong is goin on here!

Judge Rayford Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order!

Arthur You're OUT OF ORDER! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he'd like to do it again, he told me so! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Frank, you wanna make a deal? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, three weeks probation?

Frank Bowers DAMN IT!

Arthur You son of a bitch! You're supposed to STAND for somethin'! You're supposed to protect people, but instead you fuck and murder them!

Arthur You killed McCullough! You killed him! Hold it! Hold it! I just completed my opening statement!

Bernard Osterman I'm still wondering how we got into this mess.

John Tanner It's called being programmed.

Steve Freeling No one's going in the kitchen til I know what's happening.

Nickerson Djordjevic! I'd like to talk to you.

Steff We got nothing to talk about.

Nickerson Then where are you going?

Steff Where am I going?

Nickerson Yeah.

Steff No place, man. I mean, uh, Shadow, he's going to West Virginia. He just found out tonight. And, Tank's going to Furman. You knew that already. And you're going to Cal Poly. And Mouse, Mouse is going to college, he's gonna play ball. Me, I'm just gonna hang out here, I don't know, ya know? Hey, Nickerson, you lied about me. You blackballed me. "Together." Remember that? "Together. Together. Together." That was all just bullshit.

Nickerson What?

Steff You're full of shit, man. You just sit there in your office. A scholarship here, no scholarship there. He goes. He stays. Who in the hell gave you that power? You're just a coach. You're just a high school football coach. I mean, I don't know. What, what, I don't know. You know, Nickerson, you are not God! Huh? You're just a typing teacher!

Chazz This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

Jimmy I could hold it all day long. Try me!

Chazz Maybe I will.

Jimmy Maybe you should.

Chazz You challenging me, princess?

Jimmy I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party!

Chazz Then bring it on!

Jimmy It is on!

Coach Good. We're in an agreement, then.

Bernard Osterman What's the trouble?

Motorcycle Cop Can I see your license, please?

Bernard Osterman Yeah, I wasn't speeding though. I've given that up. You know I've cut, I've cut way back on speeding. I've cut, cut it way down.

Motorcycle Cop Yeah I thought that was you, you write for TV, don't ya?

Bernard Osterman Yeah that's me. Yeah I'm, I'm on my way to catch a plane though, right.

Motorcycle Cop Oh, don't worry, you'll make it. I like your stuff, Mister Osterman. Only sometimes I think you tend to be a little strident, ya know.

Bernard Osterman Strident? Are you giving me a ticket for strident writing are you? That means the death penalty for Beverly Hills parking violations is coming back too, huh?

Motorcycle Cop Have a nice day.

Bernard Osterman Yeah.

Chazz Why would we step in baby food?

Jimmy He's talking about the carpet. Berber?

Chazz What are you? The rug doctor?

Jimmy Maybe I am.

Chazz I'm the rug master.

Jimmy What does that even mean?

Coach Shut up and take off your damn shoes.