Memorable Quotes from Dane Cook

11 quotes

Dan in Real Life

The Impact of Brief Connections

Mitch So, Harvard Medical, Johns Hopkins, you're certainly doing well for yourself Ruthy.

Dan Yeah, it's impressive.

Mitch Must not leave enough time, though, for dating.

Ruthy Well, there was someone...um, he was very special in my life, but um... he was...lost in a...freak accident, I'm so sorry! What's weird is that we had only known each other three days, but you know how sometimes you just...know.

[starts to cry]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dan in Real Life

Family Concerns About Dan's Behavior

Mrs Burns Dan, hi.

Dan Hey.

Mrs. Burns Honey, you know we're worried about you. You know that.

Mr. Burns And with your behavior last night and this morning, we are now officially worried.

Dan Well, I'm touched but, but, I'm fine.

Mrs. Burns We're having a discussion.

Dan No, no, come on in.

Mrs. Burns Dan, this is private, we'd like to talk to you.

Dan Go ahead.

Mrs. Burns You know, you do so much for your girls, you do so much for all of us. But what are you doing for yourself?

Dan Come on in.

Aunt 2 Can we come in?

Dan It's fine. Stay please.

Mrs. Burns We'd like to speak to you privately.

Dan Go ahead, mom.

Daughter Grandma?

Mrs. Burns Yes, dear?

Daughter Is this because Uncle Dan's acting so weird?

Uncle 2 Yes, and you know, there's an explanation for all that weirdness.

Dan Please, tell us!

All Oh, come on!

Uncle 2 I talked to my neurologist about this!

Mr. Burns That's enough!

Mrs. Burns That's not what this is about!

Aunt 1 The one question that no one will ask is: will Dan ever find love again?

Uncle 1 No, he won't.

Mrs. Burns Howard!

Uncle 1 No, I'm sorry, he won't. If you're open to it, love will find you.

Dan Oh, perfect.

[laughs]

Uncle 2 I don't know if I was being clear before, but you've got to unclog that drain.

Dan Uh-huh.

Uncle Unplug that bottle...I think I mixed the metaphor there.

Dan So far what you've missed is; worried, love will find, unplug the drain. Well, thanks we are done!

Mrs. Burns No, no. That is not it. We met Margo Draper's daughter at the farmer's market and she asked all about you.

Mr. Burns You see Danny, you have to have a little fun.

Mrs. Burns Which means she's going to pick you up, and you're going to have drinks! You're going on a date!

Dan No mom!

Mrs. Burns Yes, honey! It's TIME.

Mitch Ruthy Pig-face Draper? Come on mom!

Mrs. Burns She's not a Pig-face!

Uncle 2 Ruthy Pig-face Draper...come on that is downright cruel!

Dan Mom, I don't even remember Ruthy Pig-face Draper. I don't wanna go! I don't want to go with...the...pig-face!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Waiting...

Service with a Side of Humor

Floyd Sir yes sir! Blue cheese for you stat! Have a good day big guy.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Waiting...

Floyd's Bold Introduction to the Thunderdome

Floyd Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dan in Real Life

Friendship and Misunderstandings in Relationships

Mitch Dude I'm sorry, but any girl that moves like that...a guy has got to wonder.

Dan Hey!

[points to Marie]

Mitch Oh, no, she's cool. Marie, you're cool right?

Marie Of course! I'm cool. But I don't think Dan's interested in her.

Mitch He's not?

Dan I'm not?

Marie I don't think you are. Are you?

[Dan gets up to go dance with Ruthy]

Mitch Oh, alright! I don't know, but it seems like something was holding him back before.

Marie Not anymore.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dan in Real Life

Brotherly Support and Understanding

Dan I'm sorry. I was way, way out of line.

Mitch No. You're never out of line, you're my brother.

Dan I think you'll understand when I--

Mitch Look, bro, there's nothing you could say or do that could upset me.

Dan The woman I met, at the book store--

Mitch When you were talking about the other girls, I realized what I feel for Marie is different. You know that feeling in um...your...

[raises his hand and Dan stops]

Dan Your heart.

Mitch Yeah, your heart. And your heart is...

Dan It's pounding.

Mitch yes.

Dan Like it's right outside of your ribs.

Mitch Yeah.

Dan And it feels exposed and vulnerable, wonderful and awful, and heartsick, and alive all at the same time.

Mitch Yes! What do you call that?

Dan Love.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Waiting...

Embracing Change and Taking Risks

Floyd Yeah! Carpe deez nuts! God, I can't wait to quit this job!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Dan in Real Life

Family Opinions on Relationships and Consequences

Mitch Dad, Mom, what do you think of...?

Mr. Burns Mitch, it's just too soon to tell!

Mrs. Burns That said...she's bright, lovely, adorable, and if you botch this up, we'll keep her and get rid of you.

Mr. Brooks

A Dark Proposal Between Killers

Earl Brooks How did you find me, Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith You're "Man of the Year", Mr. Brooks. Your picture's in the paper. And if it hadn't had been, I don't know. I don't know what I would've done.

[claps]

Earl Brooks Lucky me. What is it that I can help you with?

Mr. Smith I've been watching that couple for months. Yeah, they like to make love with the blinds open. Sometimes I would take pictures; visual aids for later. It's a great way to get off, I'll tell you that. It was fun, I thought, until I saw you kill them. And I have never, ever, felt a... a... rush that like, ever! I know you're the Thumbprint Killer. You've done this before. What I want... is for you to take me with you next time you kill someone. And I'd like that to be soon.

[lowers voice]

Marshall And you were worried that this was going to be unpleasant? The answer is simple. Just tell Mr. Smith that you decided never to kill again, and he'll go away.

[sarcastically]

Earl Brooks You enjoy watching me suffer, don't you?

Marshall In a word, yes.

Earl Brooks Where do you think he has the other pictures?

Marshall He put them in a safety deposit box. But I'll bet the box is at the bank where he keeps his checking account. The key... is on his key chain! He really wants to do this. He's not going to the cops.

Waiting...

Floyd expresses frustration with a strong remark

Floyd Fuck you, bitch!

Waiting...

Salad Order Without Bacon

Floyd Yes Masta..Right away, Masta..Ain't gonna be no bacon on the salad, Masta...no bacon..oh no no no.