Danny DeVito Quotes

Vincent Benedict This must, uh, be where you made the milkshake.

Mitchell Traven We weren't making milkshakes. We were making the most fully developed human the world has ever seen.

Vincent Benedict But instead of just one perfect kid, Mom had the two of us. Way to go, Mom.

Mitchell Traven Wrong. The embryo did split in two, but it didn't split equally. All the purity and strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.

Vincent Benedict Wow, wow, wow, you're telling me that I'm the crap?

Julius Benedict This is not true, Vincent.

Vincent Benedict Wait a minute, Julius. I wanna hear this. You're telling me that I am the left over crap? That I'm no good?

Julius Benedict He's wrong.

Mitchell Traven Look at him.

Vincent Benedict Are you saying that... I'm a side effect?

Mitchell Traven You haven't got the brainpower to understand this, and I don't have the time. Show's over.

Lawrence Garfield When capitalism gets fucked up, the communists come back. They're waiting in the bushes. First thing they do is shoot the lawyers.

Kate Sullivan Well, for someone who has nothing nice to say about lawyers, you certainly have plenty of them around.

Lawrence Garfield They're like nuclear warheads. They have theirs, so I have mine. Once you use em, they fuck everything up.

Deck Shifflet You know what a Rainmaker is, kid? The bucks are gonna be falling from the sky.

George Shapiro If I find out you're behind this I will KILL you, Zmuda.

Vincent Benedict Women love men who are mysterious and devious. It keeps them on their toes. It excites them. You know what I mean?

Julius Benedict No.

Vincent Benedict You do like women?

Julius Benedict Oh, very much so. They're strange and sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.

Vincent Benedict You're a virgin!

Julius Benedict That's private.

Vincent Benedict A 230-pound virgin.

Julius Benedict Why are you being so immature about all this?

Vincent Benedict Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy: "My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?'" Let me tell you something for your own good, Julius. It's a CROCK!

Kate Sullivan So, now you're ]?

Lawrence Garfield No, not Albert Schweitzer. Robin Hood, I take from the rich and I give to the middle class. Well, the upper middle class. Would you care for some caviar?

Deck Shifflet There's nothing more thrilling than nailing an insurance company.

Julius Benedict I'm really worried about you, Vincent. How much money do you owe? Now don't lie to me. We're twins. I can feel your pain.

Vincent Benedict Why do you keep saying that? We're not twins, were not brothers, we're nothing.

Julius Benedict Twenty thousand?

Vincent Benedict Due this morning. Come on!

Julius Benedict Now don't worry about anything, Vincent. As long as I'm with you, I won't let anyone harm you. Okay?

Kate Sullivan Someday, we'll smarten up, change some laws, and put you OUT OF BUSINESS.

Lawrence Garfield You can change all the laws you want. You can't stop the game. I'll still be here. I adapt.

Ralph Oh, oh I'm the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm stealing this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.

Jack Colton Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.

Ralph Understatement of the year, asshole.

Jack Colton Is there anybody who isn't following you?

Ralph Put the goods in the bag.

Ralph Now move it, before Batman comes home.

Vincent Benedict My life just got flushed down the toilet.

Julius Benedict No, Vincent.

Vincent Benedict I'm genetic garbage.

Julius Benedict We're twins. We're basically the same.

Vincent Benedict Look, Julius, I don't know if you've noticed yet, but we don't look the same, we don't talk the same, and we don't dress the same!

Julius Benedict I know.

Vincent Benedict So if we're so alike, how come we're so goddamn different?

Julius Benedict We had six fathers. We're many parts of a lot of different people.

Vincent Benedict Yeah?

Julius Benedict And don't forget, I was taken to a beautiful island, I was cared for, educated, looked after. You had nobody, Vincent. No one to love you, teach you, or encourage you. You see, Vincent, you're the missing part of my life. And I'm the missing part of your life. And when we find Mama, we can be the missing part of her life. We won't be alone anymore. We can be a family.

Vincent Benedict A family?

Julius Benedict Yes.

Vincent Benedict You mean, like, with a Christmas tree... and Thanksgiving dinner?

Julius Benedict And a real home, where you'll always be welcome.

Vincent Benedict Always?

Julius Benedict Even when you've been bad.

George Shapiro You're insane...but you might also be brilliant.

George Shapiro I've been in this business for 20 years Andy, I've seen this...I KNOW this...if you pass up an opportunity like this one, I promise you...you will NEVER see another one like it again...EVER!

Lawrence Garfield Amen, and amen, and amen. You'll have to forgive me, I'm not familiar with the local custom. Where I come from, you always say Amen after you hear a prayer. Because that's what you just heard - a prayer. Where I come from, that particular prayer is called The Prayer for the Dead. You just heard The Prayer for the Dead, my fellow stockholders, and you didn't say, Amen. This company is dead. I didn't kill it. Don't blame me. It was dead when I got here. It's too late for prayers. For even if the prayers were answered, and a miracle occurred, and the yen did this, and the dollar did that, and the infrastructure did the other thing, we would still be dead! You know why? Fiber optics. New technologies. Obsolescence. We're dead, alright. We're just not broke. And do you know the surest way to go broke? Keep getting an increasing share of a shrinking market. Down the tubes. Slow, but sure.You know, at one time, there must've been dozens of companies making buggy whips. And I'll bet the last company around was the one that made the best god-damn buggy whip you ever saw. Now how would you have liked to have been a stockholder in that company? You invested in a business and this business is dead. Let's have the intelligence, let's have the decency to sign the death certificate, collect the insurance, and invest in something with a future! Ah, but we can't, goes the prayer. We can't because we have responsibility, a responsibility to our employees, to our community. What will happen to them? I got two words for that - Who cares? Care about them? Why? They didn't care about you. They sucked you dry. You have no responsibility to them. For the last ten years, this company bled your money. Did this community ever say, We know times are tough. We'll lower taxes, reduce water and sewer. Check it out: You're paying twice what you did ten years ago. And our devoted employees, who have taken no increases for the past three years, are still making twice what they made ten years ago. And our stock - one-sixth of what it was ten years ago. Who cares? I'll tell ya -- Me.I'm not your best friend. I'm your only friend. I don't make anything? I'm makin you money. And lest we forget, that's the only reason any of you became stockholders in the first place. You wanna make money! You don't care if they manufacture wire and cable, fried chicken, or grow tangerines! You wanna make money! I'm the only friend you've got. I'm makin you money. Take the money. Invest it somewhere else. Maybe, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll be used productively. And if it is, you'll create new jobs and provide a service for the economy and, God forbid, even make a few bucks for yourselves. And if anybody asks, tell em ya gave at the plant. And by the way, it pleases me that I'm called Larry the Liquidator. You know why, fellow stockholders? Because at my funeral, you'll leave with a smile on your face and a few bucks in your pocket. Now that's a funeral worth having!

Julius Benedict Axe, axe, axe, axe, axe!

Julius Benedict You have no respect for logic.

Vincent Benedict But he's got an axe!

Julius Benedict And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic.

Julius Benedict You're a very stupid person.

Vincent Benedict You tell your brother, he messes with ME, he messes with my whole family!

Bobby Kalzone It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.

Chief Wyatt Rash Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.

Bobby Kalzone Peaches killed Jeff?

Chief Wyatt Rash No, I heard you killed Peaches.

Chief Wyatt Rash My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad.

Mona Dearly Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!

Phil Dearly Make shit salad?

Chief Wyatt Rash Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?

Cubby You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Chief Wyatt Rash Along those lines.

Cubby Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

Kate Sullivan Rumor has it you got balls.

Lawrence Garfield I've been trying to show you for weeks.

Lawrence Garfield TRO? Temporary Restraining Order? Thank you very much. Some crew I've got. Seventeen lawyers on retainer, and you've managed to work it out so that, in a free market, in a so-called free country, I can't buy some some shit-ass stock every other asshole can buy. Congratulations, you're destroying the capitalist system! While everybody else in the world is embracing it, my boys and girls are fucking it up. You know what happens when capitalism gets fucked up? The communists come back! They come out of the bushes, don't kid yourselves, they're waiting in there. But maybe that's not so bad, cause you know what happens when the commies take over? The first thing they do is shoot all the lawyers! And if they miss any of you, I'll do it myself. Now, let's see if we can get this small-town judge to change his fucking mind!

Julius Benedict For the first time in my life, I'm... pissed off!

Vincent Benedict Julius, don't do this to me! I got a car to deliver! The last thing I need is a detour to the slammer!

Ira Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.

Ralph Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrassment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira... You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!

Ira She's there?!

Ralph She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!

Julius Benedict Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.

Mr. Webster What third rule?

Vincent Benedict Third rule?

Julius Benedict Yeah, third rule.

Vincent Benedict Oooh! The third rule.

Mr. Webster What's the third rule?

Julius Benedict, Vincent Benedict Duck!

Vincent Benedict Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.

Vincent Benedict You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.

Julius Benedict No, I could never fight for money.

Vincent Benedict Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.

Julius Benedict Actually, I hate violence.

Vincent Benedict But you're so good at it!

Julius Benedict My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.

Vincent Benedict Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.

Jeff Dearly I know you all think I killed my parents.

Chief Wyatt Rash We don't think you killed anybody!

Jeff Dearly Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...

Jeff Dearly Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.

Mona Dearly Don't touch that beer, Jeff.

Jeff Dearly Oh, give it to me.

Mona Dearly I SAID...

Jeff Dearly FUCK!

Jeff Dearly Was I so wrong?

Lt. Feege Gruber You bet your ass.

Jeff Dearly Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.

Chief Wyatt Rash Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.

Jeff Dearly I didn't kill my dad neither.

Chief Wyatt Rash Then why don't you give me the gun.

Jeff Dearly BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!

Vincent Benedict Money talks and bullshit walks!

Julius Benedict How can bullshit walk?

George Shapiro Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question: who are you trying to entertain - the audience or yourself?

Lawrence Garfield We make passionate love the rest of the night. Whoever comes first, loses.

Kate Sullivan I think you're serious... How do you propose we write this up?

Lawrence Garfield Carefully. Under the heading of, "Easy Come, Easy Go.

Bill Coles Can I speak frankly?

Lawrence Garfield No. Lie to me! Tell me how thrilled you are to know me. I always speak frankly. I hate people who say, "Can we speak frankly?" It means they're bullshittin me the rest of the time.

Puck Six beers enter. No beers leave!

Beth's Dad You could get your heart broken or... you could have the greatest love affair the world has ever known. But you're never gonna know unless you try.

Al Russo The whole point of love is to put someone else's needs above your own.

Gale This is crazy. I don't know whether to look at my own reflection or to look at you. That's how beautiful you are!

Lawrence Garfield I love money. I love money more than I love the things it can buy. Does that surprise you? Money, it don't care whether I'm good or not. It don't care whether I snore or not. It don't care which god I pray to. There are only three things in this world with that kind of unconditional acceptance: dogs, doughnuts and money. Only money is better. You know why? Because it don't make you fat and it don't poop all over the living room floor. There's only one thing I like better. Other people's money.

George Shapiro Look at you...you're so proud...you look like some stupid kid walking home from school and saying, "Look Dad, I got an F!

Martin Weir I'm glad you rejected me ten years ago when I auditioned for Eddie Solomon, the pedophile clown in Birthday Boy. Had I gotten the part. I might've gotten typecast.