Other People's Money - The Unstoppable Nature of Business Adaptation
Kate Sullivan:
Someday, we'll smarten up, change some laws, and put you OUT OF BUSINESS.
Lawrence Garfield:
You can change all the laws you want. You can't stop the game. I'll still be here. I adapt.
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Other People's Money - A Humorous Take on Passion and Competition
Lawrence Garfield:
We make passionate love the rest of the night. Whoever comes first, loses.
Kate Sullivan: [Disgusted]
I think you're serious... How do you propose we write this up?
Lawrence Garfield:
Carefully. Under the heading of, "Easy Come, Easy Go.
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Other People's Money - Confidence and Perception in Business Interactions
Kate Sullivan:
Rumor has it you got balls.
Lawrence Garfield:
I've been trying to show you for weeks.
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Other People's Money - The Role of Lawyers in Capitalism's Failures
Lawrence Garfield:
When capitalism gets fucked up, the communists come back. They're waiting in the bushes. First thing they do is shoot the lawyers.
Kate Sullivan:
Well, for someone who has nothing nice to say about lawyers, you certainly have plenty of them around.
Lawrence Garfield:
They're like nuclear warheads. They have theirs, so I have mine. Once you use em, they fuck everything up.
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Other People's Money - Robin Hood and the Upper Middle Class
Kate Sullivan: [[Albert Schweitzer]
So, now you're ]?
Lawrence Garfield:
No, not Albert Schweitzer. Robin Hood, I take from the rich and I give to the middle class. Well, the upper middle class. Would you care for some caviar?
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Other People's Money - The Frustration of Frankness in Conversation
Bill Coles:
Can I speak frankly?
Lawrence Garfield:
No. Lie to me! Tell me how thrilled you are to know me. I always speak frankly. I hate people who say, "Can we speak frankly?" It means they're bullshittin me the rest of the time.
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Other People's Money - The Death of a Failing Company
Lawrence Garfield: [after Jorgenson's speech]
Amen, and amen, and amen. You'll have to forgive me, I'm not familiar with the local custom. Where I come from, you always say Amen after you hear a prayer. Because that's what you just heard - a prayer. Where I come from, that particular prayer is called The Prayer for the Dead. You just heard The Prayer for the Dead, my fellow stockholders, and you didn't say, Amen. This company is dead. I didn't kill it. Don't blame me. It was dead when I got here. It's too late for prayers. For even if the prayers were answered, and a miracle occurred, and the yen did this, and the dollar did that, and the infrastructure did the other thing, we would still be dead! You know why? Fiber optics. New technologies. Obsolescence. We're dead, alright. We're just not broke. And do you know the surest way to go broke? Keep getting an increasing share of a shrinking market. Down the tubes. Slow, but sure.You know, at one time, there must've been dozens of companies making buggy whips. And I'll bet the last company around was the one that made the best god-damn buggy whip you ever saw. Now how would you have liked to have been a stockholder in that company? You invested in a business and this business is dead. Let's have the intelligence, let's have the decency to sign the death certificate, collect the insurance, and invest in something with a future! Ah, but we can't, goes the prayer. We can't because we have responsibility, a responsibility to our employees, to our community. What will happen to them? I got two words for that - Who cares? Care about them? Why? They didn't care about you. They sucked you dry. You have no responsibility to them. For the last ten years, this company bled your money. Did this community ever say, We know times are tough. We'll lower taxes, reduce water and sewer. Check it out: You're paying twice what you did ten years ago. And our devoted employees, who have taken no increases for the past three years, are still making twice what they made ten years ago. And our stock - one-sixth of what it was ten years ago. Who cares? I'll tell ya -- Me.I'm not your best friend. I'm your only friend. I don't make anything? I'm makin you money. And lest we forget, that's the only reason any of you became stockholders in the first place. You wanna make money! You don't care if they manufacture wire and cable, fried chicken, or grow tangerines! You wanna make money! I'm the only friend you've got. I'm makin you money. Take the money. Invest it somewhere else. Maybe, maybe you'll get lucky and it'll be used productively. And if it is, you'll create new jobs and provide a service for the economy and, God forbid, even make a few bucks for yourselves. And if anybody asks, tell em ya gave at the plant. And by the way, it pleases me that I'm called Larry the Liquidator. You know why, fellow stockholders? Because at my funeral, you'll leave with a smile on your face and a few bucks in your pocket. Now that's a funeral worth having!
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Other People's Money - Frustration with Legal Obstacles in Capitalism
Lawrence Garfield: [circling a conference room]
TRO? Temporary Restraining Order? Thank you very much. Some crew I've got. Seventeen lawyers on retainer, and you've managed to work it out so that, in a free market, in a so-called free country, I can't buy some some shit-ass stock every other asshole can buy. Congratulations, you're destroying the capitalist system! While everybody else in the world is embracing it, my boys and girls are fucking it up. You know what happens when capitalism gets fucked up? The communists come back! They come out of the bushes, don't kid yourselves, they're waiting in there. But maybe that's not so bad, cause you know what happens when the commies take over? The first thing they do is shoot all the lawyers! And if they miss any of you, I'll do it myself. Now, let's see if we can get this small-town judge to change his fucking mind!
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Other People's Money - The Unconditional Love for Money
Lawrence Garfield:
I love money. I love money more than I love the things it can buy. Does that surprise you? Money, it don't care whether I'm good or not. It don't care whether I snore or not. It don't care which god I pray to. There are only three things in this world with that kind of unconditional acceptance: dogs, doughnuts and money. Only money is better. You know why? Because it don't make you fat and it don't poop all over the living room floor. There's only one thing I like better. Other people's money.
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When in Rome - Perspectives on Love and Relationships
Puck:
Six beers enter. No beers leave!
Beth's Dad:
You could get your heart broken or... you could have the greatest love affair the world has ever known. But you're never gonna know unless you try.
Al Russo:
The whole point of love is to put someone else's needs above your own.
Gale:
This is crazy. I don't know whether to look at my own reflection or to look at you. That's how beautiful you are!
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The Rainmaker - The Thrill of Defeating Insurance Companies
Deck Shifflet:
There's nothing more thrilling than nailing an insurance company.
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The Rainmaker - Understanding the Concept of a Rainmaker
Deck Shifflet:
You know what a Rainmaker is, kid? The bucks are gonna be falling from the sky.
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Man on the Moon - Self-Reflection in Entertainment Choices
George Shapiro:
Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question: who are you trying to entertain - the audience or yourself?
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Man on the Moon - Pride and Perception in a Humorous Light
George Shapiro:
Look at you...you're so proud...you look like some stupid kid walking home from school and saying, "Look Dad, I got an F!
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Man on the Moon - Threat of Violence in a Comedy Context
George Shapiro:
If I find out you're behind this I will KILL you, Zmuda.
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Man on the Moon - Opportunity in the Entertainment Industry
George Shapiro:
I've been in this business for 20 years Andy, I've seen this...I KNOW this...if you pass up an opportunity like this one, I promise you...you will NEVER see another one like it again...EVER!
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Man on the Moon - Insanity and Brilliance in Creativity
George Shapiro:
You're insane...but you might also be brilliant.
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Drowning Mona - Accusations and Denials Among Family Tensions
Jeff Dearly: [while threatening to kill himself]
I know you all think I killed my parents.
Chief Wyatt Rash:
We don't think you killed anybody!
Jeff Dearly:
Yeah? Well, you're full of shit! Everyone know I've been wanting to get back at her ever since that night...
Jeff Dearly:
Hey, Ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.
Mona Dearly:
Don't touch that beer, Jeff.
Jeff Dearly: [reaches out]
Oh, give it to me.
Mona Dearly:
I SAID...
Jeff Dearly: [screams in pain]
FUCK!
Jeff Dearly:
Was I so wrong?
Lt. Feege Gruber:
You bet your ass.
Jeff Dearly:
Yeah, but, I didn't kill her. Look, don't get me wrong: I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.
Chief Wyatt Rash:
Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.
Jeff Dearly:
I didn't kill my dad neither.
Chief Wyatt Rash:
Then why don't you give me the gun.
Jeff Dearly: [puts the gun to head]
BECAUSE MY LIFE SUCKS, MAN!
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Drowning Mona - Indifference Towards a Tragic Death
Chief Wyatt Rash:
Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately?
Cubby:
You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?
Chief Wyatt Rash:
Along those lines.
Cubby:
Hell Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.
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Drowning Mona - Misunderstandings Surrounding Peaches and Jeff's Death
Bobby Kalzone:
It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches.
Chief Wyatt Rash:
Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around.
Bobby Kalzone:
Peaches killed Jeff?
Chief Wyatt Rash:
No, I heard you killed Peaches.
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Drowning Mona - Making the Best of Difficult Situations
Chief Wyatt Rash:
My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad.
Mona Dearly:
Yeah? Well life handed me a whole pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?!
Phil Dearly:
Make shit salad?
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Get Shorty - Gratitude for Past Rejection in Acting
Martin Weir:
I'm glad you rejected me ten years ago when I auditioned for Eddie Solomon, the pedophile clown in Birthday Boy. Had I gotten the part. I might've gotten typecast.
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Twins - The Importance of Logic in Chaos
Julius Benedict:
Axe, axe, axe, axe, axe!
Julius Benedict:
You have no respect for logic.
Vincent Benedict:
But he's got an axe!
Julius Benedict:
And I have no respect for those who have no respect for logic.
Julius Benedict:
You're a very stupid person.
Vincent Benedict: [to Klane as the elevator is about to close]
You tell your brother, he messes with ME, he messes with my whole family!
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Twins - Struggles of Identity Between Twin Brothers
Vincent Benedict:
My life just got flushed down the toilet.
Julius Benedict:
No, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict:
I'm genetic garbage.
Julius Benedict:
We're twins. We're basically the same.
Vincent Benedict:
Look, Julius, I don't know if you've noticed yet, but we don't look the same, we don't talk the same, and we don't dress the same!
Julius Benedict:
I know.
Vincent Benedict:
So if we're so alike, how come we're so goddamn different?
Julius Benedict:
We had six fathers. We're many parts of a lot of different people.
Vincent Benedict:
Yeah?
Julius Benedict:
And don't forget, I was taken to a beautiful island, I was cared for, educated, looked after. You had nobody, Vincent. No one to love you, teach you, or encourage you. You see, Vincent, you're the missing part of my life. And I'm the missing part of your life. And when we find Mama, we can be the missing part of her life. We won't be alone anymore. We can be a family.
Vincent Benedict:
A family?
Julius Benedict:
Yes.
Vincent Benedict:
You mean, like, with a Christmas tree... and Thanksgiving dinner?
Julius Benedict:
And a real home, where you'll always be welcome.
Vincent Benedict:
Always?
Julius Benedict: [smiles]
Even when you've been bad.
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Twins - The Nature of Genetic Differences
Vincent Benedict: [points to a device in the lab]
This must, uh, be where you made the milkshake.
Mitchell Traven:
We weren't making milkshakes. We were making the most fully developed human the world has ever seen.
Vincent Benedict: [smiling]
But instead of just one perfect kid, Mom had the two of us. Way to go, Mom.
Mitchell Traven:
Wrong. The embryo did split in two, but it didn't split equally. All the purity and strength went into Julius. All the crap that was left over went into what you see in the mirror every morning.
Vincent Benedict:
Wow, wow, wow, you're telling me that I'm the crap?
Julius Benedict:
This is not true, Vincent.
Vincent Benedict: [to Traven]
Wait a minute, Julius. I wanna hear this. You're telling me that I am the left over crap? That I'm no good?
Julius Benedict:
He's wrong.
Mitchell Traven: [points at Vincent]
Look at him.
Vincent Benedict:
Are you saying that... I'm a side effect?
Mitchell Traven:
You haven't got the brainpower to understand this, and I don't have the time. Show's over.
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Twins - The Importance of Rules in Crisis Situations
Julius Benedict:
Wait a minute. You forgot the third rule in a crisis situation.
Mr. Webster:
What third rule?
Vincent Benedict:
Third rule?
Julius Benedict:
Yeah, third rule.
Vincent Benedict: [notices the crane above Webster]
Oooh! The third rule.
Mr. Webster:
What's the third rule?
Julius Benedict, Vincent Benedict:
Duck!
Vincent Benedict:
Yo! Holy shmoly! Now there's a man with a lot on his mind.
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Twins - Perspectives on Women and Attraction
Vincent Benedict:
Women love men who are mysterious and devious. It keeps them on their toes. It excites them. You know what I mean?
Julius Benedict:
No.
Vincent Benedict:
You do like women?
Julius Benedict:
Oh, very much so. They're strange and sensitive. They have compassion. I have the highest respect for women.
Vincent Benedict: [turns around]
You're a virgin!
Julius Benedict:
That's private.
Vincent Benedict: [to himself]
A 230-pound virgin.
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Twins - Frustration Amidst a Urgent Situation
Julius Benedict:
For the first time in my life, I'm... pissed off!
Vincent Benedict: [trying to hold Julius back]
Julius, don't do this to me! I got a car to deliver! The last thing I need is a detour to the slammer!
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Twins - Disagreement on Boxing and Violence
Vincent Benedict: [impressed with Julius's fighting abilities]
You could be a boxer or something. I could be your manager.
Julius Benedict:
No, I could never fight for money.
Vincent Benedict:
Well that's fine. You fight, I'll keep the money.
Julius Benedict:
Actually, I hate violence.
Vincent Benedict:
But you're so good at it!
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Twins - Financial Struggles Between Estranged Brothers
Julius Benedict:
I'm really worried about you, Vincent. How much money do you owe? Now don't lie to me. We're twins. I can feel your pain.
Vincent Benedict:
Why do you keep saying that? We're not twins, were not brothers, we're nothing.
Julius Benedict:
Twenty thousand?
Vincent Benedict: [gets in the car]
Due this morning. Come on!
Julius Benedict:
Now don't worry about anything, Vincent. As long as I'm with you, I won't let anyone harm you. Okay?
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Twins - The Reality of Orphan Fantasies
Julius Benedict:
Why are you being so immature about all this?
Vincent Benedict:
Look, Julius. Do you know how many times I've heard stories like this? It's every orphan's fantasy: "My real mom and dad were rich, and beautiful. But... there was a mix-up at the hospital. And I got switched with another baby. But one day, there's gonna be a knock at the door. And there they'll be, with open arms, crying, My darling. My treasure. We didn't know. How can we make it up to you?'" Let me tell you something for your own good, Julius. It's a CROCK!
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Twins - A Conversation on Money and Bullshit
Vincent Benedict:
Money talks and bullshit walks!
Julius Benedict:
How can bullshit walk?
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Twins - Recognition Between Long-Lost Twin Brothers
Julius Benedict:
My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict:
Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.
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Romancing the Stone - Tension and Humor in a Crisis Situation
Jack Colton: [Jack and Joan find the stone in a cave]
Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.
Ralph: [surprising them, holding a gun]
Understatement of the year, asshole.
Jack Colton: [to Joan]
Is there anybody who isn't following you?
Ralph:
Put the goods in the bag.
Ralph:
Now move it, before Batman comes home.
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Romancing the Stone - Tension Between Brothers in a Crisis
Ira:
Of all the things you could say to me right now, "I lost her," Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth.
Ralph: [he turns and sees Joan and Jack getting out of a car]
Look, bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one-horse shithole for a two-hundred mile radius. You should have seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. You have been an embarrassment to our family ever since the day you were born! And let me tell you something else, Ira... You are luckiest son of a bitch that ever walked the face of the earth! She's here!
Ira:
She's there?!
Ralph:
She's right here! She's walking towards the phone. She's with some guy. How do I know? She likes guys! So do you, maricon!
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Romancing the Stone - Honesty in Theft and Self-Identity
Ralph: [to Jack]
Oh, oh I'm the creep, huh? Well at least I'm honest: I'm stealing this stone. I'm not trying to romance it out from under her.
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