David Cross Quotes

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Ian's Unlikely Offer to the Chipmunks

Ian Hey, if you guys behave, maybe I'll let you call me "Uncle Ian" again. Deal?

[In his car, believing he still has the Chipmunks]

Alvin doll Hola, me llamo Alvin, y yo quiero una Hula-Hoop. (Translation: Hi, I'm Alvin, and I want a hula-hoop.)

Ian ¡Madre de Dios! (Translation: Mother of God.) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

[looks to the carrier, realizes the Chipmunks are gone]

Dave Claire.

Claire Hey.

Dave Come on in!

Alvin Well, hel-lo, Clarina!

[leaning on a bottle of champagne, wearing his "A" cap]

Claire Hi, guys.

[to the chipmunks]

Dave I hope you like toaster waffles.

Alvin And, for US classy chipmunks, a BIT of the bubbly.

Claire Oohhh!

[surprised]

Alvin Stupid...cork...DOESN'T-- Whoa! Yikes! Oops.

[while struggling to uncork a bottle; the cork comes loose and goes flying...; ...then the cork smashes into the glass on a China cabinet; giggles nervously]

Dave Not gonna say it.

[after a short pause, calmly]

Alvin Uh-oh!

Simon Good grief.

Claire Are you still not gonna say it?

Dave Nope!

[smiles]

Dave I'm gonna say it. ALVIN!!!!!!

[shocked, before the scene fades to black]

Alvin OKAY!

[last line, offscreen]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Misunderstanding an Image of Alvin

Ian Hey, what do you think of this?

David Seville What is it?

Ian It's Alvin.

David Seville That looks nothing like Alvin.

Ian Well, yeah, it's a prototype. We'll sell a million of these things. It's voice-activated. Here, say something to it.

David Seville Hello, ugly little Alvin doll that looks nothing like Alvin.

Ian See? You love it. It's Spanish.

David Seville You know what? That's just weird.

Ian Come on, Dave, Dave, Dave. We've got to expand the Munks fan base. I mean, forget about the music. The music is but a means to the big money, okay? I'm talking about our own fur clothing line, cologne. Chipmunk Heat, something like that. Chipmunk wine coolers. I mean-

David Seville They're just kids.

Ian No, they’re rats, and they could be making us both so much money if you just let me work with them.

David Seville I can't hear you, the music's too loud.

[leaves]

Ian Don’t go against me on this, Dave. I never lose!

[As Dave walks away]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

The Disillusionment of Corporate Reality

Larry Benson Pretty exciting, huh?

Irwin Wayfair I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland ] has a long tradition of bringing ] to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about ]s. I think it sucks.

[[Toys; [joy; [profit]

Larry Benson Welcome to ], Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

[[Earth]

Irwin Wayfair Yeah, well, the real world sucks.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

A Surprising Opportunity Awaits David Seville

David Seville I've got something for you. It's your next big thing.

[Enthusiastic; Presents a Christmas-themed box]

Ian Dave...

David Seville Don't say anything.

[opens the box, revealing the Chipmunks]

Ian What the...? Dave, don't do this to yourself, man.

David Seville They sing!

[The Chipmunks, seemingly scared, do not sing]

Ian No, they don't.

David Seville They do, just give me a second! Come on, guys. ♪Want a plane that loops the loop. Me, I want a Hula-Hoop.♪

[Ian looks at him oddly, Dave nervously laughs]

Ian You know Dave, some people might say it's kind of weird that a grown man would want a Hula-Hoop. And others would say "You know what's weirder than that? A grown man bringing another grown man a big box with a bunch of chipmunks in it who not only speak English but can sing.

David Seville They do sing, we've been practicing all morning!

Ian Oh, you've been practicing, I never realized. Okay, well. Yeah. Okay no. Dave I'm going to... pretend that I have a lunch to go to. Oops, I have a lunch to go to.

[sarcastically; Waits for them to sing, Dave impatiently gestures; leaves]

David Seville What was that?!

Simon Uh, nothing, nothing, just a little stage fright?

[whimpers]

Theodore I thought my heart was gonna explode!

Alvin We are not performing monkeys, Dave! Why do we have to sing for that guy anyway?

David Seville Well, how's this? Pretend I need the money and I hate my job and you're staying at my place, so you owe me.

Theodore We're sorry, Dave.

David Seville Yeah, that helps. Never mind, I'm late for work.

[sighs]

Theodore Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can we go with you?

David Seville What, so you can mess that up too? Uh-uh, you're going home.

Alvin Can I stand in your lap and steer?

Theodore Ooh, can we at least beep the horn? Never mind.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Lost Opportunities and Unexpected Apologies

Brittany Now we'll never get to perform at the International Music Awards.

Eleanor I guess now we're the losers.

[makes an 'L' with her fingers, putting it on top of her head, Brittany does the same]

Zoe Jeanette... I don't know what to say. I guess I was just so obsessed with finding that treasure that I kind of... I lost it. And I'm...I'm really sorry. We both are.

[turns to Jeanette; sighs; holds up Dunlop]

Jeanette Oh, well, apology accepted. Here... I want you to have this.

[looks at Zoe and smiles awkwardly; grabs the gold bracelet on her head that Simon (as Simone) gave her and holds it out to her]

Zoe Really? Look, Dunlop, this is a new beginning for both of us.

[gasps; chuckles and grabs the gold bracelet and puts it on Dunlop's "head"; smiles at Jeanette]

Jeanette I hope you don't mind. Simone... gave it to me.

[shocked but smiles awkwardly at Zoe again; not wanting to seem mean. Simon jumps off and walks up to her. Jeanette smiles nervously at him.; chuckles nervously]

Simon Oh, n-no, I don't mind. Y-You know, Jeanette, even the most perfect gem cannot compare to your... beauty.

[barely able to make eye contact with her]

Alvin Um, Dave?

Dave Yes, Alvin?

Alvin I just wanted to say, now that we're not all...you know... dead Sorry.... Sorry. Hm? Heh, Sorry I was acting like a child on the ship. And kind of maybe ruined our family vacation.

[coughs; chuckles]

Dave Sometimes a racehorse needs a little room to run.

Alvin Yes. Yeah. I like where your head's at. That is very wise, David.

[gives Dave a fist bump]

Ian Sup? What, no love for Uncle Ian?

[holds out fist for a fist bump also but no one gives him one]

Brittany and Eleanor You put us in cages!

Ian Seriously? Are we still talking about that?! New subject: I saved Dave's life!

Theodore Okay, but I'll be watching you, mister!

[looks at Ian through the spyglass]

Dave Alvin, you still have that pocketknife I gave you?

[looks up at the sky, then back at Alvin]

Alvin Knife? Oh, right! Sorry, I meant to give it back.

[chuckles; pulls it out of his jacket]

Dave I want you to keep it.

Alvin Really?

Dave Maybe you can use it to signal that helicopter.

[points to the sky]

Ian What? Hey!

[jumps up]

Eleanor Hey!

Brittany We're down here!

Dave Hello!

Ian It's me, Ian Hawke! Jett Records!

Ian Guys, circle around!

Rescue crew guy in the Helicopter Everything's okay! We got you, guys!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Critique of a Song's Quality

Ian Hawke Let's talk about your song, Dave.

[After some seconds of listening to the demo recording of David Seville]

David Seville Well, as crazy as it sounds, the original inspiration came to me-

Ian The song sucks, Dave.

David Seville What?

Ian Your song? It is awful. I hate it. Yeah, I mean, who is going to sing it? ]? ]? Not a chance. I need something new; I need something fresh!

[[w:Justin Bieber|Justin; [w:Fergie (singer)|Fergie]

David Seville That is new!

Ian The next big thing. Dave, we go way back, all right? And we have both come a long way since college. You, not so much. I wanted to like that song, but you heard it. (Not that good.) If I was not your friend, I would say "Dave, you go right back out of this office and you keep writing music. You'll get there someday." But I am your friend, so I am going to tell you that there is no sense in writing songs that no one is ever, EVER going to sing.

David Seville Ever?

[heartbroken]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Year One

Discovery of Wheels and Imagination

Zed What are these big, round things for?

[''pointing to wheels'']

Cain They're wheels, numbskull. They make the cart roll.

Oh I feel like a bird!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Urgency in Pursuit Among the Chipmunks

Ian Go, go go. Go.

[To driver]

David Seville Come on…

[In pursuit of Ian]

Alvin Step on it, Dave! You're losing him!

David Seville H-h- how did you guys…?

[smiling, surprised]

Simon We are talking chipmunks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. Not even… hard to do.

Theodore You came back for us!

David Seville Well… of course I came back. We're a family.

Alvin Ho-ly nuts!

David Seville What?

[confused]

Alvin Uh, am I going crazy? Or did he just say, "family"?

David Seville I know, but… ... I really missed you guys.

[giving in; lost for words]

Theodore I missed you too, Dave.

[hugs Dave]

Simon Me too. So did Alvin, he's just… too cool to admit it.

Theodore Yeah, too macho.

[everyone looks at Alvin]

Alvin Missed you- too. Sorry, I had some sentimentality stuck in my throat. I just said, uh, I missed you too. : Whatever. Who are you guys to judge me? Okay, you know what? I miss my friend Dave, okay? I'll scream it from the rooftops. And I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed! That's right! I love you, Dave!

[close to tears, pretending to cough; fake coughs; clears throat; tries to seem dismissive; everyone becomes shocked; smiles]

David Seville Come here.

[rolle eyes playfully, smiles; Alvin climbs on him too]

Alvin Uhm, Dave?

David Seville Yes, Alvin?

Alvin Now can I steer? Oh please, please, please!

[enthusiastic; David is seemingly annoyed]

Simon I always wanted to work the windshield wipers.

Theodore Oh, and I'd like to beep the horn!

David Seville Have at it, fellas!

Theodore I'm a good beeper.

Simon Save some horn for the rest of us, man.

Alvin Come on, Dave, drive faster!

David Seville Not with you steering!

[chuckle]

Alvin Dave, you drive like a sleepy old bear!

David Seville Okay, Alvin, that's enough.

Alvin Enough of what? Of being awesome?

David Seville Alvin, I said "that's enough".

Alvin Hey, look, Dave, no paws! Woooooooohooooooo!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Home and Loyalty Among Friends

Simon Dear fellas. I'm sorry, but... You should go back to your real home in the forest.

[reading the attempt letter written months ago by Dave; mutters]

Alvin I guess he really does want us to go.

Ian I told you, Dave. I never lose.

[Rolls window down; Rolls window up and drives away]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Hollywood Dreams and Bidding Wars

Ian It's good to be back, huh?

Dave Sure is.

Ian Sold Zoe's story to Hollywood. Huge bidding war. Keira Knightley is interested. I'm thinking 50 Cent for me.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

Concerns About Toy Safety and Standards

Irwin Wayfair We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Larry Benson How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- Oh.

[realizing]

Irwin Wayfair What's "Oh"?

Larry Benson What?

Irwin Wayfair You just said "Oh.

Larry Benson No, l said "Oh.

Irwin Wayfair Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?

Larry Benson No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--

Irwin Wayfair The chips! That's the "Oh"!

Larry Benson Oh.

Irwin Wayfair Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?

Larry Benson They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.

Irwin Wayfair They were designed for the Department of Defense. You put munitions chips in toys?!

[looks up the chips on his computer; shocked]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Waiting for Guffman

Exploring Quirky Perspectives on Creativity and Reality

Dr. Allan Pearl People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him.

UFO Expert I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.

Ron Albertson If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show.

Mrs. Pearl We don't associate with the creative types. We have a Scrabble club. We associate with people with babies.

Mayor Glenn Welsch There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes.

Steve Stark, Councilman He can act and he can sing and he can dance. There's only one other person in the world who can do all that, and that's ].

[[Barbra Streisand]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Conflict Over Past Decisions

Ian Yel-low? Who? Dave Seville... name rings a bell.... a dead, broken bell.

[On the phone with Dave]

David Seville Just let me talk to the guys.

Ian Oh I don't think that's such a good idea, Dave. The boys are still stinging a little bit from you kicking them out the door.

David Seville That's not what happened.

Ian ♪De-ni-al.♪

David Seville So, what's this I hear about a European tour? You're taking them away for six months?

Ian Uhh, no, 12 actually, if we can get China to go Chipmunk.

David Seville Twelve? Look, I just wanted to say hi, see how they're doing.

Ian They're doing great. They're loving life. Living large... face it, Dave. They've moved on. They're happy now.

[laughs]

David Seville Look, Ian, I want to talk to them. Put them on the phone.

Ian Yeah, I don't think that gonna happen, Dave, because we've got a world tour, gonna start tomorrow, and these guys don't need the extra pressure, okay? We'll send you a postcard.

David Seville Ian, you can't do this. They're not ready for something like that, they're just kids. I'm gonna see them...

Alvin Ian... was that... Dave?

Ian Uhh... yes, yes it was and um, he just wanted me to let you know that he's doing great and he's happy. He's really really happy. So, all right...

[Intentionally leaves out what Dave said; leaves]

Theodore And, is he coming to the show?

Ian ... You know what? I sent him tickets. And here's the thing, he sent them back! Yeah, I know. I uh... guess he's busy, you know. Got better things to do.

[The Chipmunks become further disappointed]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Chipmunks Request to Be Released by Dave

David Seville Guys.

Chipmunks Dave!

[Security detains Dave and Ian stops the Chipmunks]

David Seville What are you doing?

Alvin Put us down

Simon Let me go..

Theodore Hey!

Ian You better study your French, because we’re going to Paris tonight, okay?

Alvin I just had my tail re-done!

David Seville No, wait!

Ian Take that, put it with my stuff.

[to security]

Alvin Let us out of here! Let us out of here!

David Seville No… what? Ian, they don't want this anymore. Just let them go!

Ian But… the guy just left. You should have said something about five seconds ago. Come back.

[Pretends to be oblivious; Laughs]

David Seville Ian, they need a real life, not all of this! Besides, they just ruined the concert. Word will get out. No one will come to see them.

Ian Dave, they're chipmunks that talk. People will come. Guys, with me.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

Debate on Reality of Living Toys

Phil Fimple Is this entire household insane?! He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the ] drops by with a ]

[pointing at Archer; [w:Fairy with Turquoise Hair|Blue Fairy; [w:Talking Cricket|talking cricket?!]

Christy Fimple Dad, he's telling the truth!

Phil Fimple He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.

Slamfist You can't change programming.

[listening in from a shelf]

Marion Fimple Look! Another one...

[still intoxicated]

Alan Abernathy See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.

Phil Fimple That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.

Stuart Abernathy Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.

Irwin Wayfair Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?

Timmy Fimple That's Alan, right there.

[points at Alan]

Larry Benson How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.

Irwin Wayfair There's a chance they might be... defective.

Larry Benson But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.

Stuart Abernathy Oh, there's reasons!

Alan Abernathy There is a problem with the Commandos.

Larry Benson Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.

Stuart Abernathy YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!

Irene Abernathy Stuart--

Stuart Abernathy Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. And you! You owe my son an apology!

[to Phil]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Nightmares Shared Between Uncle and Nephew

Theodore Uncle Ian?

[climbs on Ian's bed]

Ian W... What are you doing here?

[wakes up with a start]

Theodore Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.

Ian Ohhhh... you had a nightmare? I had a nightmare too. I-in my nightmare, um, I had to put together 37 dates in 42 days, in 16 different countries. And, and, I had to coordinate 121 different radio and print interviews in five different languages. But you know what, Theo? The only difference is, in my nightmare, when I open my eyes, it doesn't END!

[sarcastically; picks up Theodore; talks at his face]

Theodore So... is that a no? Whoa! Oh... ooh...

[Ian throws him out the door in the next shot; lands on the floor; gets up and walks back to his room]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

A Moment of Sacrifice and Friendship

Dave Let go!

Simone I've been hit!

[falls dramatically]

Theodore By Dave's necklace?

[tugs the necklace with his paws.]

Simone Tell Jeanette I will watch over her... with angel wings.

[plays dead]

Theodore Dave?

[picks up the candy necklace. Dave rolls onto his belly, and the two of them make eye contact; their mouths gradually curl into smiles]

Dave Ha-ha, Theodore!

[picks up Theodore, overjoyed; Theodore hugs his shoulder]

Simone Dave? Ha ha! Told you we'd find him!

[climbs a tree]

Dave Simon!

Simone It is Simone, but I am often confused for this Simon fellow. Perhaps we look alike?

[leans on the tree's branch]

Dave Simone?

[confused]

Theodore Ian!

[sees Ian comes out of the bush]

Ian Hey, you found the chubby one.

Dave Don't worry, Theodore. Nothing's gonna happen to you. Is it?

Theodore What was that?!

[whimpers]

Ian Uh, that's an active volcano.

Alvin Okay, Brittany and I will build the deck. Eleanor, you need to start braiding ropes. Jeanette, find as many coconuts and mangoes as you can. Who knows how long we'll be out there.

Dave What can I do to help?

[walks up behind them]

The Chipettes Dave!

The Chipettes You found us! Yay!

Brittany We missed you so much!

Jeanette I knew you would find us!

Dave Eleanor! What happened?

Eleanor Oh, nothing... just a little... zip-line accident.

Dave A what?!

Eleanor I'm fine. It only hurts when I try to explain it.

[picks up the crutch, smiling at Dave awkwardly]

Dave Okay, you know what? Never mind. The important thing is you guys are safe. Alvin? Everything's gonna be okay. Hey, what is it?

[looks up to see Alvin, who, not looking too happy, can barely look at him. He drops Brittany and Jeanette down carefully and walks over to the barrel that Alvin is standing on.]

Alvin I thought you'd never find us... that you weren't even looking...

[on the verge of tears]

Dave Why wouldn't I look for you?

[confused]

Alvin Because I'm such a pain in the...

Dave Alvin.

[interrupting him, reassuringly]

Alvin I know, you don't think I'm a pain.

Dave No, you're a pain. But I'd come, no matter what.

The Chipettes *sigh with happiness*

Simone Arc de Triomphe, mayonnaise, Napoleon...

Ian Ugh. I get it, Frenchie; you come from a rich history. Well, guess what? We're ALL gonna be history if we don't get out of here.

The Chipettes Uncle Ian?!

[terrified]

Alvin What's he doing here?

Dave It's kind of a long story.

Theodore Don't worry, he's cool.

Simone Yes, for a pelican man.

Alvin Oh yeah, nothing cooler than a grown man in a pelican suit.

Alvin So, Dave, how are we gonna get out of here?

Dave I don't know, Alvin, I think you've got this under control.

Alvin Theodore, you and Eleanor are on rope duty. Dave and Ian, we need oars. Simone, you and Jeanette are in charge of food. And, Zoe...

[smiles]

Zoe No, I know, I know. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna pack up my balls!

[walks away]

Dave Who's that?

Alvin Another long story.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

A Plea for Honesty Among Friends

David Seville Well, this is going to sound really strange.

Claire No games, no fooling around.

David Seville The truth?

Claire Please I'm begging you.

David Seville ... My life is being sabotaged by talking chipmunks.

Claire You know what?

[In disbelief; leaves]

David Seville I'm not crazy, I swear.

Claire You haven't changed at all.

David Seville Wait Claire don't go, I- I can explain... Chipmunks.

[closes door, goes to his room]

Alvin You should have kissed her, Dave! She wanted you!

[knocking on door, offscreen]

Simon Alvin, you're not helping.

[offscreen]

Alvin Aw, don't give up, Dave.

[offscreen]

David Seville Go away! Leave me alone.

Theodore Dave, would you like a cookie?

[offscreen]

Alvin Is it me, or was he a little mad?

Simon Oh. Hmm. Hmm. I wonder. Is Dave mad? Yes!

Theodore He really did have garlic breath.

Simon Yeah, well-played, guys.

Alvin Idea! Ding-ding-ding-ding! Who has cab fare?

David Seville Dear fellas. I'm sorry, but this isn't really working out. I don't know what made me think I can handle you guys when I can barely manage my own life. You should go back to your real home in the forest. It's what's best for all of us. I'm sorry it has to be this way. But-- Guys? Simon, Theodore? Guys? Alvin. Alvin!

[Makes a box with waffles and punches holes in the top, presumably to put the chipmunks in. He writes an attempt letter; crumbles the paper and throws it on the floor. He notices the Chipmunks are missing and looks for them outside his house]

Ian Hello?...Hello? Kids.

[glances outside his mansion; the Chipmunsk sneak into Ian's mansion; Ian sees no one's here; closes the door and heads back to the stairs, but is startled by the Chimpunks' singing]

Chipmunks ♪Christmas, Christmas time is here / Time for toys and time for cheer / We can hardly stand the wait / Please Christmas, don't be late!♪

[a capella as they appear in front of Ian]

Ian Welcome to Jett Records.

[amazed with a smile]

Scary Movie 2

Divided Opinions on Team Safety

Dwight Hartman Let's split up.

Brenda Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh-UNH! Now wait a minute, hold up! How come when anytime this scary shit happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say "let's split up"?

Theo She's right, we should stick together.

Dwight She's right. Okay. (pointing to Cindy, Buddy and Theo in the group) You three, follow me!

Shorty Ain't that a bitch?

Brenda We gonna die, y'all.

Small Soldiers

Concerns Over Chips and Electromagnetic Pulse

Larry Benson Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Stuart Abernathy I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

[pointing at Larry]

Small Soldiers

The Potential and Pitfalls of Advanced Technology

Ralph Quist The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.

Irwin Wayfair Wh-What are you talking about, ]?

[nervously; [artificial intelligence]

Ralph Quist No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project!

Irwin Wayfair Ah-ha, so there is a flaw in the chips.

Ralph Quist Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair EMP? ]?

[[w:Electromagnetic pulse|Electromagnetic pulse]

Ralph Quist Yeah, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. Did the ] ever tell ] "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective, here's a bag of cement"?! I think not!

[scoffs; [w:House of Medici|Medicis; [w:Michelangelo|Michelangelo; sneezes]

Irwin Wayfair Gesundheit.

Ralph Quist Thank you.

Larry Benson Look, there really shouldn't be any problem, right? Just because the chips can learn.

Ralph Quist Am I not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So, if you've got a problem, it's in your software.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Debate Over Musical Direction Among Chipmunks

Ian We're the Chipmunks, for crying out loud!

Alvin This is absurd. I feel like ] with fur.

[[w:Sean Combs|P. Diddy]

Simon And to be honest, the new songs don't really... sound like... us.

Ian Well, you know what I think? I think the new direction is perfect, you know? It's all about today's edge.

Theodore Dave always said it was all about the music.

Ian Dave always said it was all- You know what? DAVE-DAVE-DAVE-DAVE-Dave is not here! Okay? It's me! It's fun Uncle Ian! All right? Okay?

[mocking; The Chipmunks are visibly disappointed]

Small Soldiers

Innovative Ideas for Next-Generation Toys

Gil Mars Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of ] and parking on top of ]'s head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like ] after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.

[[w:Mount Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore; [Abraham Lincoln; [w:Claudia Schiffer|Claudia Schiffer]

Irwin Wayfair Well, that's an interesting idea.

Gil Mars Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at ].

[[w:Eveready Battery Company|Eveready]

Larry Benson Yeah. Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy.

[chuckles]

Gil Mars Everything else is just a toy.

Larry Benson Th-That's good, too. Sure.

Irwin Wayfair Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--

Larry Benson Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.

Gil Mars We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel

Loss and Dignity in Material Wealth

Someone Offscreen I had fifteen cars. I mean, that's like five more cars than anybody really needs.

[A hand starts searching through the garbage]

Ian Hawke I had seven maids. I had courtside seats to the ]. Even my maids had courtside seats to the Lakers. Now look at me. LOOK AT ME! I lost everything. Except for my dignity, they can't take that away from me.

[[w:Los Angeles Lakers|Lakers; makes coffee with some used coffee grounds and filter from the dumpster and water from a nearby spigot; turns off the spigot and walks back to the dumpster; to a rat that lives in the dumpster]

The Chipmunks & Honor Society on radio ♪ Girl! You really got me now! ♪

Ian AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THEM.

[turns towards a radio that is playing the Chipmunks' cover of "You Really Got Me" with Honor Society]

The Chipmunks & Honor Society on radio ♪ You got me so I don't know where I'm goin'! ♪

Ian Oh hey! Breakfast! Now I run around, hoping and praying that I can find other animals that can sing or dance. I mean... Wait a second. You don't sing, do you? Hey! Hey! That's my muffin! Give me my muffin, you dirty rat! I will get you, Chipmunks.

[throws the radio into the dumpster in frustration; pulls out a muffin from the dumpster; takes a bite out of the muffin; The rat squeaks; The rat steals Ian's muffin and runs into the dumpster; jumps into the dumpster; slowly rises out of the dumpster, covered head-to-toe in trash; takes a bite from the muffin]

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Betting Misunderstanding Among Friends

Simon Alvin! Alvin!

Dave Simon?

Simon I wasn't betting. Honest.

[looks at Dave]

Guy in Suit Your winnings, sir.

Better Oh, busted!

Simon I didn't sneak out. I mean, I did, but only to stop Alvin.

Dave Right.

Ian There they are, Captain.

Dave Captain.

Alvin Oh, what's he going to do? Make us walk the plank?

Theodore There's a plank?

[gasps]

Dave No, there's no plank. But if you guys disobey me one more time, you will be off the ship. And you'll miss the International Music Awards. Do you understand?

Eleanor Yes, Dave.

Jeanette Uh-huh.

Brittany Absolutely.

Alvin What if we need to disobey you?

Dave And why would you need to do that?

Alvin Well, let's say that you tell me to stay put. "Alvin, if you move from that chair, you're grounded!" But then, I happen to see pirates climbing up ropes, ever so stealthy, from the side of the ship. Now, it would be easy for me to take my trusty old Swiss Army knife and cut the ropes. But I have to stay put. Or do I?

Dave Yes, Alvin, you do. And what are you doing with a pocket knife?

Alvin What pocket knife are you referring to?

Dave Come on, give it to me. You could cut yourself.

Alvin So, I could have saved the whole ship from robbage and pilgering and you'd still ground me?

[hands it over]

Simon Alvin, there's no such word as robbage. And it's pillaging. But he does have a point, Dave. There's got to be times when you trust us to take matters into your own hands.

[puts his paw on Alvin's shoulder.]

Dave I trusted you tonight and look where that got me!

[sighs]

Alvin That's probably just the hot gravy talking.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Establishing New Rules for Safety and Responsibility

David Seville Okay, new rule: no going out after 9, and not at all unless I know where you're going.

Theodore Were you worried about us, Dave?

David Seville No, I just need to know, that's all.

Alvin Wait, if you're not worried, then why do you need to know?

David Seville I need to know, okay? Guys, what's all this?

[loudly; sees his cart filled with boxes of waffles]

Chipmunks Toaster Waffles!

David Seville You know, I can't afford all these toaster waffles.

[puts all the boxes of waffles back in the freezer]

Simon and Theodore Aww!

Alvin What?

David Seville Well, in case you didn't notice, I don't have a job anymore. My song?

[his song plays over the loudspeaker at the store]

Alvin All right!

Simon and Theodore Yeah!

David Seville Hello?

[gets a call from Ian]

Ian Hey, Dave! Hey, how's my favorite song-writer?

David Seville Ian?

Ian Tell me you've heard the song.

David Seville Yeah, I'm- I'm- I'm listening to it right now, but I mean how did you- when did-?

Ian Speed of business, baby. That's how we do it. That's how I roll. I got a friend in satellite radio, put it in immediate rotation. And, that video of your little guys? 10 million hits already on YouYube! It's crazy! I gotta go. Hey, put some clothes on those guys, though. It's kind of embarrasing.

[laughs; makes noises happily]

Alvin We owed you, Dave.

Memorable Quotes from David Cross