Devin RatrayQuotes

Buzz: [off-screen, shocked] KEVIN!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!

Megan: This is so pointless.

Buzz: What?

Megan: We're here rotting in this apartment, Kevin's at home, Mom's at the airport.

Buzz: So?

Megan: You're not at all worried about Kevin?

Buzz: Why should I be? He's acted like a jerk one too many times, and now he caught it in the butt.

Megan: He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out?

Buzz: The trout can use a couple of days in the real world.

Megan: You're not worried that something might happen to him?

Buzz: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we have smoke detectors. And D, we live in the most boring street in the whole United States of America where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.

Kevin: [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before] I made my family disappear!

Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless.

Linnie: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompétents.

Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

Jeff: Kevin, you are such a disease!

Kate: There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Frank: Look what you did, you little jerk!

Kevin: [smiles, to himself] I made my family disappear.

Kevin: I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!

Jeff: Tough.

Kevin: That's what Megan said.

Megan: What did I say?

Jeff: You told Kevin "Tough".

Megan: The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?

Kevin: I'm not an idiot!

Megan: Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.

Jeff: She's right, Kev.

Kevin: Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!

Linnie: Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

Jeff: Shut up, Linnie.

Kevin: You know what I should pack?

Jeff: Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.

Linnie: Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".

Kevin: What?

Jeff: [throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet] Bombs away!

Linnie: P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.

Kevin: [jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him] This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

Rod: [taps on the spider's tank] Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?

Buzz: He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?

Rod: Some don't.

Buzz: But they got nude beaches.

Rod: Not in the winter.

Kevin: Buzz?

Buzz: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?

Kevin: Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

Buzz: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass! Check it out. Old man Marley.

Rod: Who's he?

Buzz: You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?

Rod: No.

Buzz: That's him. Back in 58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.

Rod: If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?

Buzz: Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.

Rod: What's he doing now?

Buzz: He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.

Rod: Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

Buzz: No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.

Kevin: [whispering] Mummies!

Buzz: [as Marley spots them, he quickly closes the curtains] Yeow! Look out!

Cedric: [hands it to Buzz; holds out his hand for a tip] Mr. McCallister's room service bill, sir. Merry Christmas, sir.

Buzz: [hands over the gum he has been chewing] Oh, uh, hmm.

Cedric: [deadpan, to himself] Nice family, really.

Buzz: [to himself, reading bill, smirking; in sing-song voice; Outside, Kevin is with the Pigeon Lady in Central Park] Merry Christmas, indeed. Oh, Daa-aad!

Peter: [off-screen; furiously screaming from the hotel; Kevin, startled, gasps and runs off] KEVIN!!! YOU SPENT NINE HUNDRED SIXTY-SEVEN DOLLARS ON ROOM SERVICE?!

Kate: [to everyone] We're goin to New York, move it!

Buzz: Yes!

Kate: He ran away from the hotel when they questioned him about the card. He must be so scared, Peter.

Peter: I wonder if he'd know enough to go to my brother's place.

Kate: Aren't they in Paris?

Peter: Maybe they have a house sitter.

Kate: I thought you said they were renovating.

Peter: This Kevin's? Give this to Kevin.

Kate: [tries to pass it to Frank, who waves her off; she passes it to Leslie instead] Give this... Give this to Kevin.

Leslie: Give this to Kevin.

Tracy: Give this to Kevin.

Linnie: Kevin.

Buzz: Give this to Kevin.

Rod: Give this to Kevin.

Sondra: Give this to Kevin.

Megan: Give this to Kevin.

Jeff: Give this to Kevin.

Brooke: Give this to Kevin.

Fuller: [notices elderly couple standing next to him instead of Kevin; passes bag up the line] Here you go, Kevin. Kevin's not here.

Brooke: Kevin's not here.

Jeff: Kevin's not here.

Megan: Kevin's not here.

Sondra: Kevin's not here.

Rod: [passes bag to Linnie, skipping Buzz] Kevin's not here.

Linnie: Kevin's not here.

Tracy: Kevin's not here.

Leslie: [passes bag to Kate, skipping Frank] Kevin's not here.

Kate: [gives bag to Peter] Kevin's not here.

Peter: [incredulously] What?!

Kate: [laughs, but immediately gasps in shock, then screams at the top of her lungs in alarm; faints] KEVIN!!!!!!!!!

Buzz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to apologize for whatever displeasure I might've caused you.

Kevin: What?

Buzz: My prank was immature and ill-timed.

Frank: Immature or not, it was pretty gol-dern hilarious.

Buzz: I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.

Kate: [the whole family claps their hands and stops, waiting for Kevin to say something] Oh, Buzz, that was very nice. Kevin, do you have something to say?

Buzz: Beat that, you little trout-sniffer.

Kevin: I'm not sorry! I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me! And since he gets away with everything, I let him have it! And since you're all so stupid to believe his lies, I don't care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?

Kate: Kevin!

Peter: Kevin, you walk out of here, you sleep on the third floor.

Fuller: Yeah, with me.

Kevin: So what else is new?

Frank: You'd better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss! Your dad's paying good money for it!

Kevin: Oh, I wouldn't want to spoil your fun, Mr. Cheapskate!

Buzz: What a troubled young man.

Kevin: They're all a bunch of jerks.

Kate: Hi. You know, Kevin, the last time we all tried to take a trip, we had a problem that started just like this.

Kevin: Yeah, with me getting dumped on.

Kate: I don't care for your choice of words. That's not what happened last time, and it's not what's happening this time. Buzz apologized to you.

Kevin: Yeah, then he called me a trout-sniffer. He didn't mean what he said. He was just sucking up to you.

Kate: Okay, why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and the rest of the family, you can come down.

Kevin: I'm not apologizing to Buzz! I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!

Kate: Then you can stay up here for the rest of the night.

Kevin: Fine. I don't wanna be down there anyway. I can't trust anybody in this family. And do you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone, without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kate: Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.

Kevin: I hope so!

Frank: Where are my golf balls?

Tracy: Anyone seen my sun block?

Sondra: What's the point of going to Florida if you're gonna put on sun block?

Megan: I don't care if I age like an old suitcase, I'm getting toasted.

Buzz: Great, Now, you can be a skag with a slightly darker shade of skin.