Ed AsnerQuotes

Connolly: [Murphy has decided to turn in two of his fellow officers, and also resign from the force. He tosses his badge on Connolly's desk] What's that?

Murphy: What does it look like? Being a stoolie is my last official act.

Connolly: You're a good cop, Murphy. But I don't think you'd be much good at anything else.

Murphy: I'm gonna run for president. What do you care?

Connolly: Any information from the street so far?

Dacey: Are you kidding? Any place else a guy sees a cop get killed, he runs to the phone, here the doors close. Right now there could be five people who know who did this, in a few hours maybe ten maybe more but not us. Up here Captain, cops are like husbands, they're always the last to know.

Connolly: What's all this Indian junk?

Heffernan: Well, you know the precinct is nicknamed Fort Apache'...

Applebaum: The men put that up, Captain. Guy goes on vacation, he brings back some kind of souvenir, you know?

Connolly: It makes the place look like a fraternity house... take it down, lieutenant.

Applebaum: It's not a good idea, Captain.

Connolly: And let's see about getting this place painted.

Heffernan: Well, that's kind of a problem, painters won't come up here.

Connolly: We'll have to get all those civilians out from in front of the precinct.

Applebaum: We can't do that.

Connolly: [stops, turns and looks Applebaum in the eye] Excuse me?

Applebaum: This is the only place the old folks can go without getting mugged. See, it's not a police station, it's a fort in hostile territory, you understand?

Heffernan: [agreeing] Fort Apache'.

Connolly: Your Precinct has the worst absentee record in the city, the most disability claims, the highest percentage of men on sick call, the least convictions per arrest, and you want me to believe there are no men on the take!

Dugan: So they toss a numbers runner for a couple of dollars, turn a pimp upside down for a little loose change, there's nobody getting rich up here.

Connolly: There's nobody doing anything up here that I can see, these men aren't motivated.

Dugan: Motivated? This is Siberia, Connolly. 65% of the men up here have been transferred. We've got the connivers, the slobs, the shirkers, guys who beat up the wrong Guinea. Gave a diplomat a parking ticket, screwed a big mouth hooker or shook down the wrong peddler.

Connolly: There are plenty of good police officers under your command. You're the one that's falling down on the job.

Dugan: Yeah that's right. Blame Dugan! Sure let the politicians and everyone else off the hook, blame Dugan, that's the easy way. You got a 40-block area with 70,000 people packed in like sardines smelling each others farts living like cockroaches, and that's Dugan's fault. You got the lowest income per capita, the highest rate of unemployment in the city and that's my fault! Why aren't I out there getting all these people jobs? Largest proportion of non-English speaking population in the city! Dugan's fault, why aren't he out there teaching them to speak English? 4% Spanish speaking cops on the force! Hey Dugan, get your ass out in the barrio and recruit! Families that have been on welfare for three or four generations. Youth Gangs. Winos. Junkies. Pimps! Hookers. Maniacs. Cop-killers...

Connolly: You finished?

Dugan: Yeah, I'm finished. I'm goin to Florida, Connelly. I'm goin fishin'. So you can bring up all your computers and your slide rules and all your psychological techniques. I mean this neighborhood'll bury ya. There's enough dirt in this precinct to bury every smart-ass cop in the city!

Connolly: [walking into the precinct for the first time] Captain Duggan's office?

Connolly: Don't you monitor the people who ask to see the commander, Sergeant? What if I was a lunatic with a gun?

Pantuzzi: Then you wouldn't be a police officer Captain Connolly. Or would you?

Connolly: What's your name, Sergeant?

Pantuzzi: [pointing again] Kicking ass and taking names eh Captain? Well, I'm Sergeant Anthony Pantuzzi. I have 22 years on the job and I'm ready to retire tomorrow if I get a hard time from my new commander. I'll take the half-pension before I take any crap from anybody. Captain Duggan's office is over on the right close to the street as he can get.

Connolly: [surprised, yet amused] Thank youuuuu Sergeant.

Townie: You can do it! Cut his freaking balls off!

Chief Wilson: Marvin, do you worship the Dark Lord.

Miles: If you don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm black, you just let me know.

Gay flight attendant: [noticing Marvin sniffing a drug suspect's butt] I hope he's on our flight.

Mob Member: I don't want to be part of a mob to kill a black dude!

Off-screen voice: THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!

Santa: Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh? Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.

Buddy: Well, uh, I... I'm good at that.

Santa: I know you are.

Papa Elf: And I'll... I'll always, uh, I'll always be here for you. Now, uh... Go... uh, get.

Buddy: Bye, guys.

Arctic Puffin: Bye, buddy. Take care.

Santa: So, I hear you're going on a little journey to the big city.

Buddy: [''Santa chuckles''] Yup. Ahh. I'm kind a nervous. Leon says New York is pretty different.

Santa: Oh, don't pay attention to Leon. He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet. I've been to New York thousands of times.

Buddy: Really?

Santa: Mm-hmm.

Buddy: What's it like?

Santa: Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, Leave it there. It's not free candy.

Buddy: Oh.

Santa: [[w:Eleventh Avenue (Manhattan)|11th] Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original, but the real one's on the ]. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that They're letting you look at presents before Christmas.

Buddy: Can't wait to see my dad... we're gonna go ice skating and... and eat sugar plums.

Santa: [''sighs''] Yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know, Buddy... your father... well... he's on the Naughty List.

Buddy: [''Face comes absolutely aghast''; ''Camera races to highlight of Walter Hobbs on the "naughty" page of Santa's book''] NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!