Ed Asner Quotes

Santa Listen, some people, they just lose sight of what's important in life. That doesn't mean they can't find their way again, huh? Maybe all they need is just a little Christmas spirit.

Buddy Well, uh, I... I'm good at that.

Santa I know you are.

Papa Elf And I'll... I'll always, uh, I'll always be here for you. Now, uh... Go... uh, get.

Buddy Bye, guys.

Arctic Puffin Bye, buddy. Take care.

Connolly What's that?

Murphy What does it look like? Being a stoolie is my last official act.

Connolly You're a good cop, Murphy. But I don't think you'd be much good at anything else.

Murphy I'm gonna run for president. What do you care?

Connolly Any information from the street so far?

Dacey Are you kidding? Any place else a guy sees a cop get killed, he runs to the phone, here the doors close. Right now there could be five people who know who did this, in a few hours maybe ten maybe more but not us. Up here Captain, cops are like husbands, they're always the last to know.

Connolly What's all this Indian junk?

Heffernan Well, you know the precinct is nicknamed Fort Apache'...

Applebaum The men put that up, Captain. Guy goes on vacation, he brings back some kind of souvenir, you know?

Connolly It makes the place look like a fraternity house... take it down, lieutenant.

Applebaum It's not a good idea, Captain.

Connolly And let's see about getting this place painted.

Heffernan Well, that's kind of a problem, painters won't come up here.

Connolly We'll have to get all those civilians out from in front of the precinct.

Applebaum We can't do that.

Connolly Excuse me?

Applebaum This is the only place the old folks can go without getting mugged. See, it's not a police station, it's a fort in hostile territory, you understand?

Heffernan Fort Apache'.

Connolly Your Precinct has the worst absentee record in the city, the most disability claims, the highest percentage of men on sick call, the least convictions per arrest, and you want me to believe there are no men on the take!

Dugan So they toss a numbers runner for a couple of dollars, turn a pimp upside down for a little loose change, there's nobody getting rich up here.

Connolly There's nobody doing anything up here that I can see, these men aren't motivated.

Dugan Motivated? This is Siberia, Connolly. 65% of the men up here have been transferred. We've got the connivers, the slobs, the shirkers, guys who beat up the wrong Guinea. Gave a diplomat a parking ticket, screwed a big mouth hooker or shook down the wrong peddler.

Connolly There are plenty of good police officers under your command. You're the one that's falling down on the job.

Dugan Yeah that's right. Blame Dugan! Sure let the politicians and everyone else off the hook, blame Dugan, that's the easy way. You got a 40-block area with 70,000 people packed in like sardines smelling each others farts living like cockroaches, and that's Dugan's fault. You got the lowest income per capita, the highest rate of unemployment in the city and that's my fault! Why aren't I out there getting all these people jobs? Largest proportion of non-English speaking population in the city! Dugan's fault, why aren't he out there teaching them to speak English? 4% Spanish speaking cops on the force! Hey Dugan, get your ass out in the barrio and recruit! Families that have been on welfare for three or four generations. Youth Gangs. Winos. Junkies. Pimps! Hookers. Maniacs. Cop-killers...

Connolly You finished?

Dugan Yeah, I'm finished. I'm goin to Florida, Connelly. I'm goin fishin'. So you can bring up all your computers and your slide rules and all your psychological techniques. I mean this neighborhood'll bury ya. There's enough dirt in this precinct to bury every smart-ass cop in the city!

Connolly Captain Duggan's office?

Connolly Don't you monitor the people who ask to see the commander, Sergeant? What if I was a lunatic with a gun?

Pantuzzi Then you wouldn't be a police officer Captain Connolly. Or would you?

Connolly What's your name, Sergeant?

Pantuzzi Kicking ass and taking names eh Captain? Well, I'm Sergeant Anthony Pantuzzi. I have 22 years on the job and I'm ready to retire tomorrow if I get a hard time from my new commander. I'll take the half-pension before I take any crap from anybody. Captain Duggan's office is over on the right close to the street as he can get.

Connolly Thank youuuuu Sergeant.

Santa So, I hear you're going on a little journey to the big city.

Buddy Yup. Ahh. I'm kind a nervous. Leon says New York is pretty different.

Santa Oh, don't pay attention to Leon. He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet. I've been to New York thousands of times.

Buddy Really?

Santa Mm-hmm.

Buddy What's it like?

Santa Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, Leave it there. It's not free candy.

Buddy Oh.

Santa Second, there are, like, 30 Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original, but the real one's on the ]. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show," that doesn't mean that They're letting you look at presents before Christmas.

Buddy Can't wait to see my dad... we're gonna go ice skating and... and eat sugar plums.

Santa Yeah, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know, Buddy... your father... well... he's on the Naughty List.

Buddy NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Townie You can do it! Cut his freaking balls off!

Chief Wilson Marvin, do you worship the Dark Lord.

Miles If you don't wanna be my friend anymore because I'm black, you just let me know.

Gay flight attendant I hope he's on our flight.

Mob Member I don't want to be part of a mob to kill a black dude!

Off-screen voice THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!