Eddie MurphyQuotes

Pluto Nash: You blew up my wood stools. You know how hard it is to get wood on the moon?

Reggie Hammond: When you've been in prison as long as I have, you remember every story about pussy you ever heard.

Reggie Hammond: Let me tell you something, Jack. If shit was worth something, poor people would be born with no asshole.

Inspector Scott Roper: [seeing the old red truck provided by the police department; [w:Red Foxx|Red Foxx] Aww. C'mon, man! Who am I? ]? I can't roll in that shit!

Inspector Scott Roper: [on watching a foreign film] My eyes still hurt from reading that movie.

Axel Foley: Hey, let me tell you something, Jeffrey. I don’t know whether or not you realize it, but this city still has a lot of problems. They need us.

Mike Woody: God, you know, most guys your age? They're starting to slow down... you know, taking desk jobs! Trying to relax a little bit.

Axel Foley: This is how I relax. Are you not relaxed right now?

Mike Woody: God--! Not relaxed!

Axel Foley: [imitating Detective Mike Woody] I can… I can do better. I will be better. I will be… I don’t have to stay this way. I can be a better white man.

Mike Woody: That's me?

Axel Foley: [regular voice] That's you.

Mike Woody: Oh, yeah, but if I do you, then I am--

Axel Foley: Then it's wildly offensive.

Axel Foley: I will shoot you in your face if you don’t fly this helicopter! I will shoot you then Imma shoot myself because I ain’t dying in no helicopter crash!

Axel Foley: [on Bobby flying a helicopter] This shit's supposed to be like riding a bike!

Axel Foley: I think you're being a touch negative, because, see, men are trying to kill us, Bobby, and you're a helicopter pilot. And I'm pretty sure that's a fucking helicopter. Shall we?

Axel Foley: [after tricking Grant into thinking he escaped through the air-vents] You watch too many movies.

Axel Foley: [seconds later] Bobby, I'm from Detroit; for me, this is like going to Buffalo Wild Wings. This is nothing like Buffalo Wild Wings.

Axel Foley: I do some of my best work when I'm suspended.

Axel Foley: You're my only child, right? And I've only been a father as long as you've been a daughter. We're making this up as we go along, we both are.

Axel Foley: The point that I'm trying to make, is that when I do something like try to teach you how to get out of handcuffs, that's the same as another parent when they take their kid to the ballgame or giving their kids a slinky, you know?

Axel Foley: [picking up on Bobby and his daughter's relationship] Have you two had intercourse?

Axel Foley: Seriously, this is your squad car? You know, part of me rather get locked up for resisting arrest than get put in this little Fisher Price motherfucker y'all are rolling around in. Y'all are the LEGO cops.

Axel Foley: What are you staring at? What is this, a union job? Well, we don't give OSHA breaks here. Move, bitch!

Axel Foley: [indicates his skin color] You made an assumption based on this that I did not like hockey.

Axel Foley: You didn’t hear about the Winnipeg trade? I’m the new man up in this bitch.

Billy Ray Valentine: [introducing himself] Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.

Billy Ray Valentine: When I was a kid, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.

Billy Ray Valentine: [watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?

Billy Ray Valentine: [after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a person's body.

Billy Ray Valentine: [while acting blind and legless; the woman begins to walk away] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!

Quick: So... where you wanna go, pop?

Sugar Ray: I dunno, son... but we got a tank full of gas and a trunk full of money.

Quick: [''chuckles''] That sounds like a sweet combination.

Sugar Ray: [''winks at Quick as they drive off into the night''] Sweet as sugar.

Quick: [''Quick is at the open door of Tommy's apartment''] Tommy... hey, man. You asleep? Tommy! Yo... hey... hey... hey... hey...

Quick: Holy shit... somebody fucked you up real bad, man. I think I'm going to leave, because you probably want to sit there by yourself, alone, and think about who you pissed off. So, I'll let you have your space. Excuse me.

Quick: [''Quick is getting ready to sleep with Dominique and putting his gun under a pillow... he discovers she's done the same under one''] Oh, that's cute! I thought I was the only one who slept with a gun under the pillow... look at the little gun!

Quick: Aw, that's adorable.

Quick: It's cute.

Quick: I haven't had my ass whipped in a while. Probably been like 1911.

Sugar Ray: Yeah, that's when the doctor slapped you on the ass.

Quick: Yes. That's the last ass-whipping I recall. I'm looking for him.

Quick: Hey, I have a lot of money on you, man.

The Champ: W-w-w-well... y-y-y-you's getting ready to b-b-b-be a rich nigga ... you see, because, c-c-come next week... I'm knocking... somebody... the fuck out!

Quick: Vera, put that razor away!

Quick: I ain't playing games no more. You put that fucking razor away or I'll blow your goddamn pinky toe off!

Vera: Oh! Now you're going to shoot me in my pinky toe.

Quick: I'm not playing with you. I will blow that little black, gnarled crusty, dead motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!

Axel Foley: I told you I was investigating a crime, and I think I'm in the right place as I've been here ten minutes and I've already been shot at.

Axel Foley: [To Wonderworld Park Security] You know you should have your tailor cut your jackets a little wider in the chest, that way your gun won't bulge in the back.

Axel Foley: [To CIA Agents] Police officer trying to catch a goddamned killer! Move it! Move it! Get the fuck out of my way! I'm a cop!

Axel Foley: [To his team] Ok everybody's ready here ok, nobody need to take a nervous piss or nothing right? We got this? Ok? Let's mount up.

Axel Foley: [Upon entering the pool area on the Playboy mansion; Then to his crotch; to Billy and Taggert as he takes a large step] Jesus Christ! Wake up! This is what we've always talked about! Look alive! You may never see it again! I don't wanna step on your tongues, excuse me.

Axel Foley: Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using "the force"?

Serge: [taking notice to Axel's interest in the artwork] I see you look at this piece.

Axel Foley: Yeah. I was wondering how much something like this went for.

Serge: 130,000 dollar.

Axel Foley: Get the fuck out of here!

Serge: [laughing] No, I cannot! It's serious! Because it's very important piece.

Axel Foley: Have you ever sold one of these?

Serge: [proudly] Sell it yesterday to a collector.

Axel Foley: Get the fuck out of here!

Serge: No! I'm serious! I sell it myself!

Axel Foley: What? Y'all the second team?

Detective McCabe: We're the first team.

Detective Foster: Yeah, and we're not gonna fall for a banana in the tailpipe.

Axel Foley: [mocking him] You're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - "Look, man, I ain't fallin for no banana in my tailpipe!" See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long.

Axel Foley: Look, I heard a rumor that you're gonna use Rand on this case, and between the 2 of us, the guy doesn't know the time of day.

Inspector Todd: Don't mess with me now, Axel.

Axel: It's the first time he's left his desk in 12 years.

Todd: At least he's HAD 12 years! Anyway, it's a Homicide case and it belongs to Rand. Now, go to the hospital!

Axel: Well, you don't mind if I ask around a little bit, do you?

Todd: Don't do a DAMN thing; it's Rand's case. Yo ass is SKATING on thin ice as it is!

Axel: Hey, look, we're talkin about a FRIEND OF MINE HERE!

Todd: Yes, we are, aren't we? Now, let's take a close look at that: 1, a hoodlum friend. 2, a professional hit. 3, in a cop's apartment. This whole thing stinks to high Heaven.

Axel: How you know it was a professional hit?

Todd: I didn't just walk into this town from the cotton fields! Whoever killed your friend wasn't worried about yo little narrow ass; if they were, you'd be lyin beside him in that meat wagon! Just don't do a damn thing. Stay outta this!

Axel: Well, look, I got some vacation time comin to me; I wanna take my vacation now.

Todd: ... Stay away from this case, Axel.

Axel: No, it's just that I feel I need a little vacation, that's all.

Todd: [gives him a hesitant look] Alright... as soon as you're finished at the hospital, you're on vacation.

Axel: Thank you.

Todd: But if you decide to butt into this case... it'll be the LONGEST vacation you ever heard of.

Inspector Todd: You mind telling me where the fuck you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the fuck's this all about? You wanna play some fucking bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!

Axel Foley: Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?

Inspector Todd: What's your fucking side of the story?

Axel Foley: [pause] Let's hear your side of the story.

Inspector Todd: Hey Axel, I'm not takin anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?

Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.

Inspector Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief and the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?

Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.

Inspector Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck's supposed to be in the damn pound!

Jeffery: I tried to tell you.

Inspector Todd: Jeffery, this is none of your fucking business!

Jeffery: [Pointing to a random locker] This is not my locker!

Inspector Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?

Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...

Inspector Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?!

Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand. Boss. The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.

Inspector Todd: Don't fuck with me, Axel! Not now! Go on. Go home.

Axel Foley: Tell Victor that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man.

Axel Foley: [in a strip club] Billy, you know, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. Your dick is supposed to get hard. See? That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard, but he won't let you know cause he's the boss. Boss dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard.

Axel Foley: [shouting] Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, I'm a small reporter from "Rolling Stone" magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel CAUSE THERE'S NO NIGGERS ALLOWED IN THERE!

Axel Foley: [Foley hands the keys to his beat-up car to a valet] Can you put this in a good spot for me? Cause all this shit happened last time I parked here.

Axel Foley: This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in in my life. This thing's nicer than my apartment.

Jim Evers: [firmly] Why'd you kill her (Elizabeth)?

Jim Evers: I gotta help my wife. She'll be...

Singing Busts: [singing] Comin round the mountain when she comes...

Jim Evers: Hey!

Ghost 1: Can he see us?

Ghost 2: Of course not!

Jim Evers: Yes, I can, I'm looking right at you!

Ghost 2: Don't listen to him, he's lying!

Jim Evers: Okay, forget this.

Ghost 1: I could've sworn he was looking right at me.

Ghost 2: He's psychic.

Michael Evers: Dad?

Jim Evers: Yeah, son?

Michael Evers: I see dead people.

Jim Evers: Hold on!

Madame Leota: With what?

Jim Evers: Hey, honey, you know they have dead people in the backyard.

Sara Evers: Well, some people have swimming pools, others have private cemetaries. It can happen.

Madame Leota: Dark spirits from the grave come forth. Lift us from the black. And show us, show us the way back.

Jim Evers: Dark spirits? Hey, no dark spirits! Don't you make no dark spirits come out!

Jim Evers: (last lines) Hey, guys, keep it down!

Jim Evers: You're a real cold dude.

Jim Evers: (reading Elizabeth's letter) "Yes, my dear heart, I will marry you. I will love you for all eternity, and tonight at last, we will be together. I do. Forever yours, Elizabeth.

Jim Evers: The guy is dead, he wants to get jiggy with my wife; of course I'm upset!

Jim Evers: Yeah, how do we get out of here?

Jim Evers: If you want to kill me, kill me. But when I come round the Other Side, I'll just be whippin your ass for all eternity; so maybe you should read this before you stab somebody!

Jim Evers: If people see you're scared, they'll use it against you - look, I'm your dad, and I'm not scared!?

Jim Evers: (catchphrase) Hello, Jim Evers, of Evers & Evers Real Estate?

Jim Evers: (opening line) It's fantastic isn't it. Sometimes, when you step into a house, you know straight away whether its good.

Reggie Hammond: I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.

Alexander Scott: Oh, my gosh.

Kelly Robinson: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Kelly Robinson: What you doing hanging from the ceiling like that? What you doing?

Alexander Scott: No, don't walk in here.

Kelly Robinson: [''Walks into a infra red security system''] Let me tell you something man, you ain't gonna be telling me what to do all the time. I'm Kelly Robinson, don't talk to me like that. Oh, shit.

Kelly Robinson: He's a bad guy, right?

Alexander Scott: I don't know. People are flip-flopping so much I lost track.

Kelly Robinson: [''After jumping from a building onto a catering tent to escape from bad guys''] Hey! That wasn't so bad!

Alexander Scott: Yeah! Are your legs numb?

Alexander Scott: Did you see that? That was a big explosion.

Kelly Robinson: Damn!

Kelly Robinson: I put this in my eye?

Alexander Scott: I got the camera in my eye.

Kelly Robinson: Hey, what's in that bag.

Alexander Scott: Spy stuff.

Hungarian Cop: [''In Hungarian''] Hands up! What's going on here?

Alexander Scott: [''In Hungurian about Kelly''] The black guy! The black guy mugged me!

Kelly Robinson: [''Being put into handcuffs''; ''Being put into police van''; [w:racial profiling|How come you just arresting the black man?!] I'd like to file a complaint! Wait! Why am I being arrested? Why am I the only one getting arrested? This is bullshit! He kicked me, too! He kicked me in my nuts! Why am I getting arrested if I got kicked in my nuts! ] My nuts was kicked!

Kelly Robinson: [they're running away after a mission gone wrong because of Kelly] You know, I was born semi-pyschic, and I had a bad hunch something was gonna happen in that room.

Alexander Scott: Then, why did you go into the room?

Kelly Robinson: I'm only semi-pyschic! I ain't Miss Cleo!

Kelly Robinson: Kelly Robinson.

Alexander Scott: Are you going to be referring to yourself in the third person, the whole time? Because that can get a little irritating.

Kelly Robinson: Hey, what's this? It looks like a sock.

Alexander Scott: It's a secret spy mask, put it on.

Kelly Robinson: [''He puts it on''] Hey man, this is a sock!

Rachel: I'm with B.N.S.

Kelly Robinson: Yeah, what's B.N.S. stand for? Bitch that Needs some Slapping?

Kelly Robinson: I'm 57 and 0 baby.

Kelly Robinson: Hey, I can see you, and me, and you, and... oh, I like this!

Kelly Robinson: [''To Alex''] Let me show you something a little Kelly Robinson style. Hold on, here we go!

Kelly Robinson: [''To Alex''] Hey, come on now. Hey, come on now. Let me at least see the goods.