Memorable Quotes from Gilbert Gottfried
3 quotesRemember to Breathe During a Crisis
Joey
Jump up and down. And don't forget to breathe! That's what they say when they have a heart attack, "Oh, I forgot to breathe!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Debate on Junior's Alleged Misdeeds
Mr. Peabody
Will you all please quiet down? Be quiet! Ladies, please, can you quiet down? Can you quiet down? Can you act like nuns?! Okay, now, there is absolutely no proof that Junior was in any way connected with today's tragedy.
Sister
Who needs proof? He's evil!
Sister
Look what he did in art class. Skeletons!
Sister
Headless corpses!
Sister
Monsters devouring human flesh!
Mr. Peabody
All right, look! I don't claim to be some kind of brilliant psychologist. I'm not. All I'm saying is maybe all the child needs is to be loved.
Mother Superior
Let's cut the crap, Mr. Peabody! Either Junior goes or you find yourself some new nuns.
Mr. Peabody
No, no, please, don't hyperventilate. Just take a deep breath and relax. The only way we can straighten this out is by hearing what Junior has to say about it.
Junior
I'm sorry, sisters. Please, please don't make me lift those heavy stones and please don't make me scrub those dirty toilets. I just wanna be a good boy. I promise!
Mr. Peabody
You see that? He said he's sorry.
Junior
Please, give me another chance. I just want to learn my lessons and do my studies so I can be smart and become a priest!
Mr. Peabody
There, you see that? A priest! It's like a nun with a jacket. It's a boy nun! He wants to be a boy nun. Let me tell you something. It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and there is a big man! It is in the opinion of myself and my agency of which I represent that Junior will not be removed from this orphanage.
Junior
Removed? What do you mean, removed?
Mr. Peabody
Oh, don't worry about it, Junior. You see, the nuns just made a suggestion that you'd might be happier outside of the orphanage. What's so funny?
Junior
You are, you stupid dick!
Sister
You see? He's wicked!
Mr. Peabody
You're saying that you'd rather not be in the orphanage, are you?
Junior
D'oi! Think much, pea-brain? I want out!
Mother Superior
You see, Mr. Peabody? The child's incorrigible!
Junior
I'm what? Why don't you speak English, lady?
Mr. Peabody
Maybe...
Junior
Maybe...
Mr. Peabody
What the child is trying to say is that...
Junior
Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, people will think I know what I'm talking about.
Mr. Peabody
It's obvious that the kid is unbalanced. I knew that from the start. I was playing devil's advocate. Devil, you know... Anyway, on behalf of myself and the agency, this child is going to be removed from this orphanage as soon as possible!
Junior
Well, hurry the hell up! I'm not getting any younger!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unpaid Tickets Lead to Arrest Warrant
Sidney Bernstein
Oh, oh, oh. Come right in. Don't let the fact that my door's closed dissuade you in any way from entering my office.
Foley
Sir, we're with the Beverly Hills Police Department. Are you Mr. Sidney Bernstein?
Sidney Bernstein
Yes. Lucky guess.
Foley
Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, we have a warrant for your arrest.
Sidney Bernstein
25? What 25?
Foley
You have 25 unpaid parking tickets, sir.
Sidney Bernstein
I-I pay my tickets. I pay - I pay all my tickets.
Foley
Sir, do you own a Black Mercedes-Benz, License Plates number CRL-507?
Sidney Bernstein
507? That's my wife's car! That's not my car! That's my-
Foley
You have 25 unpaid parking tickets.
Sidney Bernstein
I mean, it's under my name, but it's my wife's car! No! No! No! BITCH!
[picks up phone; yells; puts phone down]
Foley
Your tickets have not been paid, that means you're liable. Can you cuff Mr. Bernstein, please?
[to Taggart & Rosewood]
Sidney Bernstein
Cuff me? There are people out there with chainsaws, you're cuffing me!
Foley
Well, sir, you have 25 unpaid parking tickets, and it's your car. So, we have to take you in.
Sidney Bernstein
Wait a second, I've got an idea. Is there something that I have in this office that I could hand to you, and that would make you kind of forget that you're holding those, uh, little pink tickets there?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.