Graham Stark Quotes

Clouseau Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat... You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?

Hercule LaJoy Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

Clouseau What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.

Hercule LaJoy How do you know that?

Clouseau Instinct!

Hercule LaJoy But the facts...

Clouseau You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.

Hercule LaJoy He beat her.

Clouseau He was Spanish!

Hercule LaJoy He tore her dress off.

Clouseau Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?

Hercule LaJoy No, I suppose not.

Clouseau No, of course not! No, no. No, there is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.

Clouseau Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One... She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two... The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three... There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four... All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?

Hercule LaJoy Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.

Clouseau You are an idiot, only a fresh-faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.

Hercule LaJoy But the facts...

Clouseau Listen, whoever killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.

Hercule LaJoy Well, who do you suspect?

Clouseau I suspect everyone.

Hercule LaJoy Well... I suppose that is possible.

Clouseau Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.

Victoria The bourguignon was just a little tough.

Waiter Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.

Toddy Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?

Victoria This is all they have.

Toddy This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!

Waiter How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.

Toddy Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.

Waiter I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.

Toddy It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

Waiter And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.