Hugh GrantQuotes

Martin Tweed: That's weird, one can become quite detached from reality when one's famous.

Sally Kendoo: That sounds so cool.

Jessica: [after Martin receives a fax showing American Dreamz as the top rated show] How are the numbers?

Martin Tweed: [chuckles] Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Jessica: Congratulations.

Jessica: I'm leaving you.

Jessica: Did you hear what I said? I'm leaving you.

Martin Tweed: [still staring at the fax] Yeah, I heard. Yeah, Yeah

Jessica: I'm not kidding.

Martin Tweed: [turns and walks toward her] I know. Look, I think it's an excellent decision on your part.

Jessica: You do?

Martin Tweed: You're a fantastic person and the last year's been really great. You're beautiful. The sex has been wonderful. You're kind and supportive. You wait for me with dinner when I work late: you're amazing. And it's driving me out of my fucking mind.

Martin Tweed: You know, with numbers like this, this should be the happiest day of my life and instead i have to worry about whether I make you happy all the time!

Martin Tweed: Jessica, sweetheart, you make me feel like being a better person. And I'm not a better person. I'm me.

Jessica: [teary-eyed as she walks away] I feel sorry for you.

Martin Tweed: Don't. I certainly don't. In fact, I envy myself deeply.

Martin Tweed: Jessica, you make me feel like being a better person and I'm not a better person. I'm me.

David: So, you can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier Byzantine painting we looked at? What would you say is the most significant difference?

Ray: Me? I'd say the frame's bigger here.

Phoenix Buchanan: They do say that at Madame Kozlova's all your dreams come true. So, if you had one wish tonight what would it be?

Paddington: Oh that's easy. I'd like to get my Aunt Lucy a birthday present.

Crowd: Awwwwww!

Phoenix Buchanan: Exit bear, pursued by an actor... ugh!

Phoenix Buchanan: We're rich again.

Kira: A-a trip?

Forge: Yes. Something urgent has come up, but if we leave now, we'll be safe.

Kira: Safe from what?

Forge: [looks at unconscious guards] What is this?

Edgin: This is an ambush. On the boat you were gonna use to escape from Neverwinter.

Kira: Dad...?

Edgin: [holds the Tablet of Reawakening] Hi, honey. Hey, Forge, why don't you tell her what this is?

Forge: [shrugs] I don't know.

Edgin: It's the Tablet of Reawakening, Kira. It's the reason why I left you.

Holga: Your dad's been telling you the truth, bug. It's Uncle Forge who's been feeding you lies.

Forge: [laughs nervously] It's rubbish. It's just rubbish.

Edgin: Come with me, Kira. We'll go home, bring back Mom. We can be a family again.

Forge: [pulls out a knife and points at Kira] You're not taking my money. Put down the tablet and get off my ship. All of you. Now!

Edgin: Okay, okay, okay.

Kira: [panicked] What are you doing?!

Forge: It's alright. Shush, my darling, be quiet.

Edgin: [puts the tablet down] It's going down. Just don't hurt her.

Forge: [referring to Edgin; Holga spots a potato] See that, Kira? Your father knows me. He knows I'm prepared to do terrible things to get what I want, even to those I care about most. In the end, that's all that separates the beggar...

Holga: Nobody hurts my bug.

Forge: [laughing as he walks into the room to find Edgin wrapped in tentacles by Sofina; sits down; as he's about to leave, Edgin tries to something from behind a tentacle; uses a handkerchief to remove a tentacle from Edgin's mouth] You'd think you'd be able to distinguish between your own daughter and a 300-year old wizard. Don't worry, Kira's safe. Unlike me, she had no idea you were coming. I don't think she knows how tenacious you've become, huh? Look, Ed, uh... I'm really sorry for the way things turned out. But I think if you were truly honest, you'd have to admit I can give Kira a better life. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that she's with the father she deserves. Now I'm in a pickle because...I don't wanna see you die. Which is why I'm gonna leave the room. What?

Edgin: [gasps for a breath] If you're gonna kill us, at least let us die with dignity.

Forge: How do you mean?

Edgin: Put us in the High Sun Games. Give us a fighting chance.

Forge: [Sofina glares at him] That's not a chance. It's not a chance at all. I mean, even if you were to somehow survive the tournament, Sofina's gonna... Uh... I-it would be much, much better for you to die here than go to the Games.

Sofina: No. They defeated your men and mine. Let them fight in the arena. They deserve that much.

Szass Tam: [speaks Thayan] I sense your impatience.

Sofina: Szass Tam...?

Szass Tam: [speaks English] But you have always been the disciple I rely on most. Doff your cowl. You needn't hide your sigils from me.

Sofina: [takes her hood off as her cloak turns red] I'd rather be flensed and flayed than spend another hour with Forge Fitzwilliam.

Szass Tam: The man is insufferable. But we never would've come this far without his "charm". The living have befouled this world long enough. Take solace in knowing that your work here is nearly complete.

Forge: [sees Sofina; chuckles; as Sofina stands up, the chair scrapes loudly on the ground; Doric disguised as a fly flies by him, he unknowingly shoos her away] There you are. With your hood off, I notice. Probably best to keep that on. You know, you Red Wizards of Thay are not as popular as you should be outside of Thay. And of course, you're about to be considerably less popular. B-but far, far be it from me ever to tell you what to do. Uh, Caldwell and Piradost have just arrived. I was gonna give them... Awful, isn't it? I really have to do something about these chairs. They're, uh...

Forge: [sits next to Kira] Knock-knock! I wanted to make sure you were alright.

Kira: I knew I'd see him again one day. I just hoped it would be different.

Forge: Well, you have to understand when he lost your mother, he sorta lost himself.

Kira: Why would he lie about the tablet?

Forge: Maybe he was ashamed to admit how much he'd given up for so little.

Kira: [Forge gives a look] I should probably go speak to him. What?

Forge: Well, he's gone, my dear. He's gone. I gave him the Tablet of Riches and...he left.

Kira: [looks sad] Holga too?

Forge: I'm sorry. And I want you to know that even he isn't there for you, I always will be.

Kira: [smiles] I know.

Forge: The fact that you see good in me makes me believe that there might just be some on there.

Edgin: [turns around to see Holga frozen in time] She's caught in a Time Stop! Counter it, Simon!

Simon: [he runs off] I can't! Sofina's too powerful!

Edgin: [he tries to run away but slips on a golden chalice, turns to Forge; throws the Tablet of Reawakening to Forge] Take the tablet. Keep Kira safe.

Forge: [catches the Tablet of Reawakening; runs off] You have my word.

Charles: There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.

Carrie: Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree not to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?...Do you ?

Carrie: I do.

Charles: [[w:David Cassidy|David Cassidy; [The Partridge Family] Sorry.. look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of ] in fact, eh, while he was still with ], eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...

Carrie: That was very romantic.

Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.

Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?

Matthew: It's probably cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be cause you haven't met the right girl.

Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.

Charles: Uh-huh.

Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.

Charles: Which is?

Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.

Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!

Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.

Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night?

Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.

Charles: [Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress] It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!

Charles: [pause; pause] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.

Chris Riley: She seems like a very spiritual kid.

Alex Fletcher: Yes, it's very nice to see a young woman exploring religion.

Sophie Fisher: [while over-watering the same plant] I mean we're so close. We're just not there yet. We have to stay focused and stay... you know completely understanding of what we're trying to say.

Alex Fletcher: [walks over and takes the plant away from her] Ok, you may now start killing the next one.

Alex Fletcher: Are you single?

Rhonda Fisher: I've been married 16 years, but nothing's set in stone, right?

Sophie Fisher: [talking about Alex's solo album] I bought it... the last copy.

Alex Fletcher: Right, well, I insist on paying you back immediately. $9.99 right? Do you have a penny?

Sophie Fisher: Are you OK?

Alex Fletcher: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. It's just my Pop! hip. It comes from years of doing our patented dance move. My God, I've suffered for my art.

Alex Fletcher: It doesn't have to be perfect. Just spit it out. They're just lyrics.

Sophie Fisher: Just lyrics"?

Alex Fletcher: Lyrics are important. They're just not as important as melody.

Sophie Fisher: I really don't think you get it.

Alex Fletcher: Oh. You look angry. Click your pen.

Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.

Alex Fletcher: I so get that.

Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the 2 that makes it magical.

Sophie Fisher: [hits her head on piano] OW!

Alex Fletcher: Yes, I think she's up now.

Alex Fletcher: [start of Way Back Into Love Demo Version] Way Back Into Love, take one.

Sophie Fisher: I-uh-I'm getting really nervous.

Alex Fletcher: You'll be fine, just use your normal, nice voice that I've heard... so much over the last three days.

Sophie Fisher: [cough] It's like, ugh, my throat's closing up. It's, like, anaphylactic.

Alex Fletcher: It's fine, it's just a three-minute song.

Alex Fletcher: [Sophie moves a chair] What are you doing, you madwoman, you're wrecking my apartment!

Sophie Fisher: Well, I can't write sitting all the way across the room.

Alex Fletcher: No, go back to your corner!

Sophie Fisher: ...Fine, all right.

Alex Fletcher: I'm blocked. How am I supposed to get out?

Sophie Fisher: Go out the other side.

Alex Fletcher: But... but... I've never been out the other side.

Alex Fletcher: Theoretically, I could pick you up because I will be taking a cab.

Sophie Fisher: I could be standing outside at 9:40 in bright orange clothes, so you wouldn't miss me...

Alex Fletcher: Oh, good, you'll get some road work done while you wait, then.

Alex Fletcher: [Hails taxi] She's going to have a baby!

Sophie Fisher: [Taxi continues driving away] Hey! What if that were true?

Alex Fletcher: You look like a worried little doggy.

Sophie Fisher: Ruff.

Alex Fletcher: I think you are way too talented and gifted...and unusual to let anyone keep you from standing.

Sophie Fisher: That's wonderfully sensitive... especially from a man who wears such tight pants.

Alex Fletcher: It forces all the blood to my heart.

Alex Fletcher: [singing; he continues, obviously derailed; in a normal speaking voice] I've been sleeping with a clown above... my...bed... "Clown" is not right. What is that word?

Sophie Fisher: It's "cloud".

Alex Fletcher: Well, write more clearly, how can you expect me to read-

Sophie Fisher: Why would you put a clown in your bed?

Alex Fletcher: Let me tell you, it would not be the first time.

Alex Fletcher: You're Cole Porter in panties. Of course, having said that, Cole Porter probably did wear panties.

Alex Fletcher: I have great insight. I'd use it on myself only I don't have any problems.

Alex Fletcher: They're aliens, clearly, I have no children.

Alex Fletcher: We could even re-pot the ficus.

Alex Fletcher: The few syllables you got out were absolutely devastating.

Alex Fletcher: Anybody see Battle of the 80's Has-Beens last night? That Debbie Gibson can take a punch.

Alex Fletcher: People wait their whole lives to see an ex when things are going really good. It NEVER happens. You could make relationship history!

Alex Fletcher: I've given up! I've given up! My face is in the butter!

Alex Fletcher: [Recording their song demo, Sophie practically whisper-sings her lines.] Just a little bit louder, cause this song is intended for humans, m'kay?

Alex Fletcher: I like your roof. It's good that it's upstairs.

Alex Fletcher: [while performing] Girls, tell me something... Are these pants too tight?

George Wade: Your mother is terrifying. I thought she was going to cut me up and feed me to the poor.

George Wade: I can't believe how small this apartment is, it's actually shocking! It's a very good thing your parents went to the movies, we'd never have squeezed in! You realize, I can actually move from one side of this apartment to the other in 6 seconds. Watch this, 1....

Sister Paxton: You returned the bike key to the wrong coat pocket. We thought this was a mistake you made...But now I know it wasn’t.

Mr. Reed: Why?

Sister Paxton: You gave the bike lock to one of your prophets, instructed them to lock the final cellar door with it.

Mr. Reed: But why, why, why? Why did I do that?

sister Paxton: Because you wanted me to know the only reason I’m standing here right now is because it is exactly where you want me to be standing. I’m not here because I chose to be. I’m here because you made me choose to be.

Mr. Reed: Oh.

Sister Paxton: Because you want me to believe the one, true religion is…control.

Mr. Reed: That is exactly right. Religion is just a system of control…

Sister Paxton: [to one of the women in a cage] It’s okay. I’ll help you.

Mr. Reed: [chuckles] No, you see, that’s what’s so interesting. They don’t want your help. They… they are exactly where they chose to be.

Sister Paxton: But you killed that woman.

Mr. Reed: I disagree. She… She chose to eat a poisoned pie because of her profound faith. It is called drinking the… anyone? KoolAid. It is true… that I keep these ladies a little chilly, and a little peckish, for which I am very sorry. Sorry, ladies. But only for the same reason that your church goes to Haiti to give out Bibles after a hurricane. It’s easier to control someone who has lost…everything.

Sister Paxton: Why do you do this?

Mr. Reed: The question is, why do you all let me? You are here because the ideas of others have influenced every single decision you’ve made since the day you were born, and I’ve been able to predict every decision you would make tonight because of that. You have allowed them to dictate every decision of your life. They decide who you worship, where you worship, what you worship.

Mr. Reed: Why would you do that?

Sister Paxton: Because I want to know the truth, and because the only way out is through.

Mr. Reed: [[Robert Frost] ]?

Sister Paxton: [[Swamp Thing] ].

Mr. Reed: There will be before you saw a woman die and come back to life, and there will be after. Books will be written about it. So choose your words very carefully when I ask, what did you witness? Tell me. Tell me what you saw.

Sister Paxton: How did she…

Mr. Reed: I don’t know… And if you didn’t see something transcendental, you absolutely must tell me.

Sister Paxton: I don’t know.

Mr. Reed: ‘Cause if I’m wrong, I need to hear it. That’s why you’re here.

Sister Barnes: It’s a contrived experiment. We are your prisoners! It doesn’t make sense…

Mr. Reed: Oh, pooh! We’re all prisoners together.

Sister Barnes: …for us to have an opinion!

Mr. Reed: You must know by now that any of us can leave whenever we want, but why would we want, after what we’ve seen?

Sister Paxton: I saw it. I saw it. I heard her describe what she experienced on the other side.

Mr. Reed: Great! What did you hear?

Sister Paxton: She said there was a conductor.

Mr. Reed: Yes. Yeah.

Sister Paxton: Did she mean angel? She had a feeling of disassociation, a feeling that something wasn’t real.

Mr. Reed: That’s it. So now you know.

Sister Paxton: Now, we know?

Mr. Reed: Yeah, now, you know.

Sister Paxton: Know?

Mr. Reed: I can show you God. If you’re willing to die. It… it can be painless. It can be temporary. Like the Prophet, you can be brought back. It doesn’t have to be frightening at all. I’ll tell you… I’ll tell you what’s frightening. Not knowing is frightening! Where do we come from? What are we doing here? What’s our purpose? The terror of those questions is why religions exist. I can answer those questions for you. I can give you a comfort no religion in the world is capable of giving you.

Sister Barnes: It all makes sense now. I’ve been asking myself all night, how is he gonna make killing us our idea?

Mr. Reed: [[Gordon B. Hinckley] It is all terrifying, isn’t it? I’m sorry. It is. It is all…Scary. I’m scared. I’m scared just saying it out loud, really. If God is real, and he watches when we masturbate, and he has such a fragile ego that he only helps us when we beg him and shower him with praise, and he hates gay people for being what he made them to be, well, that’s terrifying. If there’s no God and we’re just horny, microscopic ants floating on a rock through space with no divine purpose and no hope to achieve eternal life, well… that’s terrifying too. “Either the church is true or it is a fraud. It is the church and kingdom of God, or it is nothing.” Do you agree with that? Would it help if I told you this is ], the 15th President of your church. Do you agree with Gordon?

Sister Paxton: Yes.

Sister Barnes: Mmhmm.

Mr. Reed: Thought you might. So either it is all true or none of it’s true, yes?

Sister Paxton: Yes.

Sister Barnes: Mmhmm.

Mr. Reed: Okay. Then I want you to choose which door to go through based on your faith.

Sister Barnes: Are…are you asking us for us to deliberate our belief in the church? Is that a factor which will correspond to us going home?

Mr. Reed: [tosses The Book of Mormon] I’m asking you to choose between belief and disbelief. My own claim is that all 10,000 verifiable religions that exist in the world today are as artificial as the symbolic church you are currently standing in. It is farce. There is nothing holy here. Your religious text is mere ornament… …as hollow and as capitalistic as these ridiculous games.

Mr. Reed: Iterations. Over time. Diluting the message. Obscuring the original. Judaism is the OG monotheistic religion. It should, by a wide margin, have the most number of practicing members. And yet, it makes up only 0.2% of the world’s population. Why is that? Why is the original less popular than the iteration? Is it any less true than the others?

Sister Barnes: Are we talking about religion or board games or music?

Mr. Reed: [pause; [Jesus] Yes. It has the fewest members because it doesn’t advertise. It doesn’t have people like you, knocking on doors, selling people a better life, a better board game, a better song. You ever think about that? How missionaries are really just salespeople for an organization? The product you’re selling is an idea. You knock on my door and you sell, maybe I buy, maybe I don’t buy. Those are the rules of engagement when I invite you into my house. We are negotiating a transaction of ideologies. And what I’m trying to say to you tonight is that I have an idea which I would like to sell to you. My argument is that the holy texts which we revere are just mythological iterations of stories which ancient people have been telling each other for centuries. They’re not true or real in any literal sense. They are merely a conduit to a more ancient truth. The story of a savior… who was born to a virgin, who could perform miracles and was supernaturally resurrected, was a very popular story for at least a thousand years before ] was born.

Mr. Reed: You are, are you not, monotheistic?

sister Barnes: We believe in Heavenly Father, yes.

Mr. Reed: Okay. There are three major monotheistic religions, Judaism, Christianity and Islam. I call them, “The Big Three.” Judaism, i.e. “The Original Edition.” Christianity, i.e. “The Most Popular Edition,” and Islam, “The Newer, Second Most Popular Edition.” May I see your Book of Mormon, please? I’ll give it back.

Mr. Reed: [chuckles; [w:The Air That I Breathe|The Air That I Breathe; [w:The Hollies|The Hollies; [w:Creep (Radiohead song)|Creep; [w:Radiohead|Radiohead] Thank you. And finally, after 800 years, this! Mormonism, i.e. “The zany regional spinoff edition.” These are all iterations of the same source material. These texts share many of the same characters and histories albeit presented with different meanings and perspectives. So no, I will not accept… …that you stand there and tell me that you’ve never heard "] by ], when I know that you have heard "]" by ].

Mr. Reed: Do you want me to help? You asked me earlier if you should have a preference between the doors. I think you should. I think it’s something you should consider very carefully, and then make the right decision. Do you want me to help you?

sister Barnes: Yes.

Mr. Reed: Okay. Then, please… come and stand here. Both of you come. Just here. That’s it. It’s a simple choice. But it should not be made simply. I need you to reflect very, very deeply and then make a sincere decision.

Sister Barnes: I think that you can tell that we’re regrettably uncomfortable with this situation here tonight.

Mr. Reed: I’m sorry, but didn’t you just say a moment ago that you saw the outside of my house? So then you clearly saw…that the back of my house overhangs a hill, so you would know that you have to go down…in order to go out.

Sister Barnes: I think it would be best for you and for all of us if you could help us go home because the Stake President, he knows where we are. And the Ward Missionaries know. And they’ll be expecting us.

sister Paxton: And there were witnesses, weren’t there, Sister Barnes? On our way here, we passed a police officer?

Mr. Reed: [chuckles] Whoa! The police? I promise you, you’re getting way, way, way, way too worked up.

Sister Barnes: Right. But I think that we’re scared because you lied to us earlier.

Sister Barnes: Not to be completely weird, but can your wife please just step in the room, say hello and walk us to the back of the house? I’m not trying to be silly, I promise, I’m really not, but there are rules we follow, and we were upfront with them.

Mr. Reed: [turns back] I will ask. Can I ask you a question first? Do you…still believe that my wife is in the next room? Despite all the evidence to the contrary, the scented candle, the absence of an oven with blueberry pie? Or have you been politely indulging a lie? If you still believe that she’s in there, I’ll go ask, but it’s something I want you to think about and maybe think about in the context of your beliefs. Do you believe in God because somebody told you at an impressionable age that God is real, despite having doubts as you got older, despite…seeing evidence to the contrary your whole lives? When your father lost control of his body, did you think it was God’s plan to ruin his life? Or did you go on believing something that you know is not true just to give you comfort because you were afraid of what it might mean if it was all a lie? I put the scented candle on the table because I wanted you to think about the things that you believe just because somebody asked you to believe them.

Mr. Reed: I am self aware enough to know how this might look. Older man, two young women in his house, but I assure you, you are welcome to leave through…through the back. You saw my house from the outside, right?

Sister Barnes: Mmhmm.

Mr. Reed: Right! So, you know it’s a tiny footprint. The back of the house is just there. Yeah. Anyway, I will leave you space to make your decision freely. Yeah. To clarify, I am trying…have been trying very hard to make it a point not to pressure you, so you shouldn’t even feel the need to fabricate a story about someone from your ward calling you to leave. It’s… perfectly fine. Leave when you want.

Sister Barnes: It wasn’t an excuse, they do need us back.

Mr. Reed: No, I know, but you’re saying you took a call with someone from your ward.

Sister Paxton: Yeah, a moment ago. But when you came inside, I asked if you were okay with the metal in the walls and ceilings.

Sister Paxton: What do you mean?

Mr. Reed: [chuckles] I mean that the metal obstructs cell phone signals, so I do know you didn’t take a call. But… Just to be clear, so you’re comfortable, it is totally fine for you to leave on your own accord. You never need to feel like you have to…make excuses or… or tell me little…little… little white lies.

Sister Barnes: So which door takes us outside?

Mr. Reed: [chuckles] Pff. Well… do you have a preference?

Sister Barnes: Wh… why would I have a preference?

Sister Paxton: Should we have a preference?

Mr. Reed: That is a fair question.

Sister Paxton: So… so we just, uh, need your help with the door. Um…It’s…it’s a little tricky.

Mr. Reed: I’m sorry?

Sister Paxton: I think your door is a bit stuck out there.

Mr. Reed: The door won’t open.

Sister Paxton: The front door.

Mr. Reed: Yeah, the front door won’t open again.

Sister Paxton: [chuckles nervously] It opened when we came in.

Mr. Reed: Yeah.

Sister Paxton: Maybe if you unlock it, it will open?

Mr. Reed: No, no, I… I… I understand what you’re asking me, but, uh, the deadbolts are on a timer. I got carried away with our conversation, I didn’t realize the brace had been set. I should have pulled the pin when you came in, but I forgot. So if you are now regrettably ready to leave, you’ll have to exit through the back of my house.

Sister Paxton: Uh, where?

Mr. Reed: Just through here.

Sister Barnes: Well, can you just unlock the front one, please? We would like to go that way. Just so we don’t get turned around and confused when we get outside.

Mr. Reed: Yeah, it won’t open again ’til morning.

Mr. Reed: I want to ask an awkward, uh, an icky question, an insensitive question that I think will add depth to our conversation very quickly before the sun goes down and we’re done for the evening. But only if you’re comfortable with that.

Sister Barnes: Well, we won’t know if we’re comfortable until you ask, so…

Mr. Reed: Fair point.

Sister Barnes: Maybe you just ask?

Mr. Reed: [clicks tongue] Okay.

Sister Paxton: If you don’t ask, I’m gonna leave here wondering what we missed out on.

Mr. Reed: [sighs] Very well. My question is this. Um… Now I feel it’s been built up to. Uh… Should I request a drum roll? I’m going to request a drum roll. A drum roll please, ladies!

Mr. Reed: [laughs; [w:polygamy|polygamy] Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! More! More! More! Now, I… I… I… my question is, how do you feel about ]? How do you… how do you feel about the concept of a man having multiple wives?

Sister Paxton: I mean, it’s… it’s not for me, um…

Sister Barnes: Are you asking from a biblical perspective?

Mr. Reed: [[w:Second Manifesto|Modern Revelation] Uh, Mormonism has a controversial history with the misogynist practice of men claiming multiple wives. But I am fascinated by the idea of ], which was used to erase this behavior from the church in 1890. I just think that’s worthy of conversation.

Sister Barnes: Yeah? Uh…

Mr. Reed: And what I mean by that is that we’re discussing a church that decided that a controversial practice was a stain on its reputation, and an actual hindrance to recruiting new members, and so it used revelation, word of God told unto the prophet to banish a provocative religious pillar that seemed unsavory in contemporary times.

Sister Barnes: Yeah, I know that, um, it may be difficult to understand, um, but, uh, polygamy was a spiritual mission needed at the time in order to grow the ranks of our membership in the wake of much hardship and bloodshed. Um… a man having plural wives meant more… more babies to help the community grow.

Mr. Reed: Hmm.

Sister Paxton: It’s, yeah, it’s sketchy for sure, to our modern brains.

Sister Barnes: And it was…it was removed from the church not just because it was grotesque or controversial, but just because it wasn’t necessary anymore.

Mr. Reed: [[w:Joseph Smith|Joseph Smith; [w:Emma Smith|Emma Smith; [w:Fanny Alger|Fanny Alger] You see, I worry, and…forgive my loud language, uh, I worry that ] used the concept of polygamy to legitimize his affairs with other women. I worry that Joseph’s wife, ], was upset when he slept with ], their sixteen year old maid. I worry that he formulated a plan to use revelation for consequence-free sex in the aftermath of that indiscretion and others like it. You know, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Sister Paxton: Spiderman.

Mr. Reed: [[Voltaire] ].

Sister Paxton: Right.

Mr. Reed: I guess what I would pose to the room is my concern that polygamy has no spiritual bearing whatsoever. That is somewhat of a distortion, I think… The church’s own history corroborates and implies this...cynical brainwashing tactic. Is that true?

Sister Barnes: I… I… I’m sorry, I… I’m not sure where you’re getting this.

Mr. Reed: If revelation by God is filtered through man and man is flawed and man sins and man lies, then how do we know any of it’s true?

Sister Paxton: We know it’s true because of how it makes us feel.

Mr. Reed: [chuckles] Bingo! That’s exactly right! That’s exactly right. Couldn’t agree more. It’s our personal relationship with God which matters.

Mr. Reed: I’m talking to you about iterations. I need you to have a very basic understanding of iterating, because I’m going to make a very disturbing claim tonight. It will make your stomachs sink a little and your hearts beat faster. It will make you sick. It may even… I’m very sorry… make you want to… to die.

Mr. Reed: So when I started studying theology, the last thing I wanted to do was find…the Wendy’s of religions. I was just writing a research paper for a college class, and I was content with dabbling. So, some McNuggets here, BK Whopper over there, whatever fit the mood. As I studied the genres, McD, BK, InNOut, i.e., Mormonism, Scientology, Islam, Buddhism, as I got closer to God through genre and rigorous study, as I worked on my personal relationship with Heavenly Father, and I think strengthened it, do you know what I found? The more you know, the less you know. And by the time I was 50, I was malnourished from the fast food of religion I’d been packing into my brain for the best part of a decade. Every sect, cult, creed, denomination all claimed to be the one, true doctrine, and yet none seemed true when held under the microscope. So I wondered what else was out there. I promise you, the last thing I wanted to do was find the one true religion. But unfortunately, I did.