Memorable Quotes from Jason Schwartzman
40 quotesExistence of Others Surprises Albert Markovski
Albert Markovski
I can't believe you guys actually exist.
[to Vivian Jaffe]
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Confronting Adversity and Accountability
Max Fischer
I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?
[to Dr. Peter]
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Consequences of Choices and Their Worth
Max Fischer
You think I got kicked out for just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you wanna know something else? It was worth it.
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Academic Consequences at Rushmore Academy
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim
We're putting you on what we call sudden death academic probation.
Max Fischer
And what does that entail?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim
It entails that if you fail another class, you'll be asked to leave Rushmore.
Max Fischer
In other words, I'll be expelled.
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim
That's correct.
Max Fischer
Can I see some documentation on that, please?
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim
Too many extracurricular activities, Max. Not enough studying.
Max Fischer
Dr. Guggenheim, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. But the fact is, no matter how hard I try, I still might flunk another class. If that means I have to stay on for a post-graduate year, so be it...
Dr. Nelson Guggenheim
- We don't offer a post-graduate year.
Max Fischer
Well, we don't offer it yet.
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Vietnam Experience Discussed Between Two Characters
Max Fischer
So you were in Vietnam?
Herman Blume
Yeah.
Max Fischer
Were you in the shit?
Herman Blume
Yeah, I was in the shit.
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Questioning Cooperation in a Troubled World
Albert Markovski
Betrayed by Albert Markovski. Is it possible for anybody in this world to work together to make it better? I don't think so.
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The Creation of New Words
Richard Sherman
Room here for everyone / Gather around / The constable's "responstible"! / Now how does that sound?
[singing and playing the piano]
P.L. Travers
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no! "Responstible" is not a word.
[Richard stops playing]
Richard Sherman
Uh, we made it up.
P.L. Travers
Well, un-make it up.
[Richard hides the music note sheet of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"]
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Finding Passion in Life
Herman Blume
What's the secret, Max?
Max Fischer
The secret?
Herman Blume
Yeah, you seem to have it pretty figured out.
Max Fischer
The secret, I don't know... I guess you've just gotta find something you love to do and then... do it for the rest of your life. For me, it's going to Rushmore.
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Conflicted Expressions of Love and Conflict
Francis
You don't love me!
Peter
Yes I do!
Jack
I love you too but I'm gonna mace you in the face!
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A Serious Injury is Acknowledged
Jack
You're bleeding like crazy!
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Questioning Shared Experiences of Adversity
Jack
Did you get maced too?
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Max Fischer's To-Do List Update
Max Fischer
Well, tell that stupid mick he just made my list of things to do today.
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Discussion on Education and Economic Policy
Max Fischer
What was your major?
Rosemary Cross
I didn't have a major, but my thesis was on Latin American economic policy.
Max Fischer
Oh, that's interesting. Did you hear that they're not going to teach Latin anymore?
Rosemary Cross
This was more like Central America.
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Misunderstanding Uniforms in a Casual Exchange
Max Fischer
I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn
These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer
Oh, are they?
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Expressions of Admiration and Affection
Ethan Dulles
You are so awesome, your room is so awesome, your phone is kick-ass, and you know what? I love you.
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Balancing Ambitions: Clubs vs. Relationships
Max Fischer
Maybe I'm spending too much of my time starting up clubs and putting on plays. I should probably be trying harder to score chicks. That's all anyone really cares about.
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Max Fischer celebrates his theatrical success
Max Fischer
I wrote a hit play!
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Desire for Independence and Autonomy
Jack
Stop including me!
[While Francis and Peter are fighting]
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The Ephemeral Nature of Glory
Max Fischer
Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer....
[to Rosemary]
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Questioning the Nature of Observation
Albert Markovski
What?! Is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?!
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The Wisdom of Stillness from a Rock
Albert Markovski
Nobody sits like this rock sits. You rock, rock. The rock just sits and is. You show us how to just sit here and that's what we need.
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Unexpected News About Rubby's Parenthood
Jack
He's gonna have a kid in six weeks.
Francis
Who?
Jack
Him. Rubby. He doesn't want you to know.
Francis
Rubby?
Jack
Yeah, you know, Rubby.
[Jack imitates Peter's recurrent action of rubbing his temples to relieve his headaches]
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A Train's Journey and Its Unexpected Path
Jack
What did he say?
Peter
He said the train is lost.
Jack
How can a train be lost? It's on rails.
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Safety Gear Announcement in Rushmore
Max Fischer
Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them.
[Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"]
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Nickname Revelation in Slackers
Ethan Dulles
I had a nickname for you! And now I'm not gonna tell you. Okay......... It was Laser.
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Common Grief in Family Histories
Max Fischer
So we both have dead people in our families.
[to Rosemary]
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Fear of Confrontation and Hostility
Albert Markovski
I can't go back in there. It's all hating faces that I have to chop up with a machete!
[about the body bag exercise]
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Reality of Suburbia versus Infinity
Albert Markovski
We're not in Infinity, we're in the suburbs
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Confrontation Over Insults in Slackers
Ethan Dulles
No one calls me a retard, you FREAKIN HOBO!!!!
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Confrontation and Challenge Asserted
Ethan Dulles
You're going down!
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Max Fischer's College Application Aspirations
Max Fischer
My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. But my safety's Harvard.
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Perception of Similarity in Diversity
Albert Markovski
Everything is the same, even if it's different.
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Compliments and Nicknames in Slackers
Ethan Dulles
You're smart. I like you. I'll probably give you a nickname.
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Navigating Life's Challenges and Opportunities
Cousin Ben
Your badge in seamanship?
Sam
Yes, sir.
Cousin Ben
Good. There's a cold water crabber moored off Broken Rock. The skipper owes me an IOU. We'll see if he can take you on as a claw cracker. It won't be an easy life, but it's better than shock therapy.
Sam
Thank you, sir. By the way, where's the chapel tent?
Cousin Ben
Back there, but the padre's home with the mumps. Why do you ask?
Sam
I want to bring my wife.
Suzy
But we're not married yet.
Cousin Ben
You his girl?
Suzy
Yeah.
Cousin Ben
Technically, I'm a civil law scrivener. I'm authorized to declare births, deaths, and marriages. You're kind of young. You got a license?
Sam, Suzy
No.
Cousin Ben
I can't offer you a legally binding union. It won't hold up in the state, the county, or frankly, any courtroom in the world, due to your age, lack of a license, and failure to get parental consent. But the ritual does carry a very important moral weight within yourselves. You can't enter into the contract lightly. Look into my eyes. Do you love each other?
Suzy
Yes, we do.
Cousin Ben
Think about what I'm saying. Are you sure you're ready for this?
Suzy
Yes, we are.
Cousin Ben
They're not listening to me. Let me rephrase it.
[to nobody in particular]
Suzy
We're in a hurry.
Cousin Ben
Are you chewing gum? Spit out the gum, sister. In fact, everybody.
Cousin Ben
I don't like the snappy attitude. This is the most important decision you've made in your lives. Now go over by the trampoline and talk it through before you give me another quick answer...
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An Expression of Gratitude for Disruption
Max Fischer
I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!
[to Rosemary]
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Crisis of Purpose and Identity
Albert Markovski
Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shoot Mother what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm trapped! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore! Mother! Fuck shoot!
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The Sound of Distant Trains
Jack
Wouldn't it be great if we heard a train go by in the distance?
Peter
Not really.
Francis
It'd probably be annoying.
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Inquiry About Story Length
Jack
You wanna read a short story I wrote in France?
Francis
How long is it?
Jack
What?
Francis
How long is it?
Jack
How long is it? Never mind, forget it.
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Life's Priorities Shift Over Time
Max Fischer
Rushmore was my life, now you are.
[to Rosemary]
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Max Fischer's Challenge to Accomplishment
Max Fischer
I saved Latin. What did you ever do?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.