Jay Mohr Quotes

Small Soldiers

Negotiation Turns Hostile in Small Soldiers Scene

Phil Fimple Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the, uh... ]. Now here's our proposal: take them!

[[w:Gorgonzola|Gorgonzolas]

Insaniac Hey! He's selling us down the river! The guy's a regular ]

[listening from inside; [w:Benedict Arnold|Arnold Benedict!]

Phil Fimple I mean, switch em off, take em apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. Hey... is that my JVC?!

[notices speakers covered by a net]

Chip Hazard There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!

Link Static Yeah! Bomb em all the way back to preschool!

Chip Hazard Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!

Christy Fimple Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

Larry Benson Seven Gorgonites and nine people.

Phil Fimple Well, you heard our proposal...

[nervously]

Stuart Abernathy Phil, get in here! Hurry!

[opening the door]

Chip Hazard These negotiations are over!

Chip Hazard We are the Commando Elite! Everything else... is just a toy!

Alan Abernathy What are they doing?

Irene Abernathy Psychological warfare.

Christy Fimple The Marines did this against ].

[[w:Manuel Noriega|Noriega]

Marion Fimple Phil? Phil!

Phil Fimple What?

Marion Fimple I love this song!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

The Disillusionment of Corporate Reality

Larry Benson Pretty exciting, huh?

Irwin Wayfair I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland ] has a long tradition of bringing ] to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about ]s. I think it sucks.

[[Toys; [joy; [profit]

Larry Benson Welcome to ], Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

[[Earth]

Irwin Wayfair Yeah, well, the real world sucks.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Picture Perfect

Coffee Preferences and Misunderstandings

Kate Mosley Well, I mean, I think I should at least know how you take your coffee.

Nick Well, I'm confused. You don't know? I mean, didn't you, uh, make me up?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Cherry Falls

Hypocrisy and Innocence in Society's Shadows

Leonard Marliston It's a stinking hypocritical world isn't it Brent where rapists become pillars of the community, with stinking hypocritical people in it who wouldn't miss their own befouled lives much so...so...so what better way than to take away the only innocence they have left...their precious virginal children.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Picture Perfect

Casual Attire and a Positive Attitude

Nick Right now? Uh, well... a pair of boxer shorts, a t-shirt and a smile.

[on the phone with Kate's mother]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Cherry Falls

Class is No Longer in Session

Leonard Marliston CLASS DISMISSED!!!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Go

Assessing the Consequences of Choices Made

Zack It really didn't go as bad as it could have.

Adam A girl is dead, Zack.

Zack I didn't say it went perfectly.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Pay It Forward

A Moment of Reflection on Faith

Chris Chandler Jesus.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

Concerns About Toy Safety and Standards

Irwin Wayfair We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Larry Benson How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- Oh.

[realizing]

Irwin Wayfair What's "Oh"?

Larry Benson What?

Irwin Wayfair You just said "Oh.

Larry Benson No, l said "Oh.

Irwin Wayfair Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?

Larry Benson No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--

Irwin Wayfair The chips! That's the "Oh"!

Larry Benson Oh.

Irwin Wayfair Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?

Larry Benson They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.

Irwin Wayfair They were designed for the Department of Defense. You put munitions chips in toys?!

[looks up the chips on his computer; shocked]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

Debate on Reality of Living Toys

Phil Fimple Is this entire household insane?! He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the ] drops by with a ]

[pointing at Archer; [w:Fairy with Turquoise Hair|Blue Fairy; [w:Talking Cricket|talking cricket?!]

Christy Fimple Dad, he's telling the truth!

Phil Fimple He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.

Slamfist You can't change programming.

[listening in from a shelf]

Marion Fimple Look! Another one...

[still intoxicated]

Alan Abernathy See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.

Phil Fimple That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.

Stuart Abernathy Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.

Irwin Wayfair Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?

Timmy Fimple That's Alan, right there.

[points at Alan]

Larry Benson How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.

Irwin Wayfair There's a chance they might be... defective.

Larry Benson But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.

Stuart Abernathy Oh, there's reasons!

Alan Abernathy There is a problem with the Commandos.

Larry Benson Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.

Stuart Abernathy YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!

Irene Abernathy Stuart--

Stuart Abernathy Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. And you! You owe my son an apology!

[to Phil]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Picture Perfect

Questioning the Nature of Friendship

Nick I'm looking for "Susan's Single Friend Kate." They told me they thought she came out here.

Kate Mosley Yeah, that's me. Can I help you?

Nick Don't you think that's, uh, kind of strange that she only had one friend?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Pay It Forward

A Conversation About Pride and Uncertainty

Chris Chandler Hi, I'm Chris Chandler, and I'm joined today by a very unusual seventh grader, Trevor McKinney. Trevor, you must be pretty proud of yourself.

Trevor McKinney No.

Chris Chandler So, you're not proud at all?

[A beat.]

Trevor McKinney I don't know. I guess.

Chris Chandler Come on. You start a movement like Pay It Forward. You're not proud?

Trevor McKinney I guess. I mean, I - I got an A in Social Studies, but, uh, that was just for the effort. I mean, stuff I did, it didn't really work out.

Chris Chandler You're here.

Trevor McKinney Yeah, but . . . I don't know. I tried real hard, but . . . nothing really happened. My mom's stuff worked. She talked to my grandma. Kinda made up with her. It was really hard for her. It was great for me, cause my grandma came to my birthday party. And I had really missed her. And that's why Pay It Forward went all those places. Cause my mom. Cause she was so brave. My stuff, I . . . I don't know. I think some people are too scared or something to think that things can be different. And - I mean, the world's - the world's not exactly . . . shit. I guess it's hard for some people who are so used to things the way they are, even if they are, to change. And they kinda give up. When they do, everybody kinda . . . kinda lose.

[A beat.; A beat.; A beat.; A beat.]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Pay It Forward

The Concept of Paying It Forward

Thorsen I thanked him and there were some very specific orifices in which I was told to shove my thanks. He told me, "Just pay it forward." Three big favors for three other people. That's it.

Chris Chandler So it's like a pass-it-on thing, then. Wait a minute. You and this lowlife are in this chain of do-gooders, some kind of Mother Theresa conga line? That's a little New-Agey for you, isn't it? Sort of Tibetan? What, are you in a cult?

Thorsen If you mention my name, you'll be selling your kidneys to pay for your ]. Cult.

[[lawsuit]

Chris Chandler Hey, the guy. What was the guy's name?

Thorsen Sorry, I'm late for my mass wedding.

[as he's walking away]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Picture Perfect

A Compliment in an Empty Room

Nick I suddenly realized I haven't told you how beautiful you look tonight.

[alone at the table with Kate, gazing upon her]

Kate Mosley Oh, Nick, come on. Don't waste that stuff. Nobody's here. They can't hear you.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Playing by Heart

Unfiltered Truths About Love and Loss

Mildred: I never loved your father. Not for a minute.

Mark: Wow. You're...good at this.

Mildred I was so relieved when he died.

Mark Geez Mom, don't hold anything back.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

Concerns Over Chips and Electromagnetic Pulse

Larry Benson Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Stuart Abernathy I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

[pointing at Larry]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Small Soldiers

The Potential and Pitfalls of Advanced Technology

Ralph Quist The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.

Irwin Wayfair Wh-What are you talking about, ]?

[nervously; [artificial intelligence]

Ralph Quist No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project!

Irwin Wayfair Ah-ha, so there is a flaw in the chips.

Ralph Quist Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair EMP? ]?

[[w:Electromagnetic pulse|Electromagnetic pulse]

Ralph Quist Yeah, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive! They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. Did the ] ever tell ] "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective, here's a bag of cement"?! I think not!

[scoffs; [w:House of Medici|Medicis; [w:Michelangelo|Michelangelo; sneezes]

Irwin Wayfair Gesundheit.

Ralph Quist Thank you.

Larry Benson Look, there really shouldn't be any problem, right? Just because the chips can learn.

Ralph Quist Am I not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So, if you've got a problem, it's in your software.

Small Soldiers

Innovative Ideas for Next-Generation Toys

Gil Mars Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of ] and parking on top of ]'s head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like ] after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.

[[w:Mount Rushmore|Mt. Rushmore; [Abraham Lincoln; [w:Claudia Schiffer|Claudia Schiffer]

Irwin Wayfair Well, that's an interesting idea.

Gil Mars Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at ].

[[w:Eveready Battery Company|Eveready]

Larry Benson Yeah. Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy.

[chuckles]

Gil Mars Everything else is just a toy.

Larry Benson Th-That's good, too. Sure.

Irwin Wayfair Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--

Larry Benson Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.

Gil Mars We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.

Cherry Falls

Conflicted Love and Betrayal in Silence

Leonard Marliston You never knew...oh how could how much she loved you before you raped her! And after you raped her there was no one to tell...except me...over and over and over again. It's very hard too look like the one person you're mom loves and hates the most.

Picture Perfect

College Experiences Shared Between Friends

Kate Mosley You went to college, right?

Nick Yeah, several.

Pay It Forward

The Challenge of Helping Others

Trevor McKinney It's hard. You can't plan it. You have . . . you have to watch people more. You know, sort of, sorta keep an eye on em. To protect em, cause . . . they can't always see what they need. It's - it's like your big chance to fix something that's not like your bike. You can fix a person.

[A beat.; A beat.]

Chris Chandler Is that what you want for your birthday? Everybody to pay it forward?

Trevor McKinney I can't ask for that.

Chris Chandler Sure, you can. Why not?

[A beat.]

Trevor McKinney It wouldn't work.

Chris Chandler Why?

[A beat.]

Trevor McKinney I already blew out my candles.

Picture Perfect

A Tense Reunion with Unexpected Requests

Nick It's good to see you again... I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't know we were on the clock yet.

[arriving early and unexpectedly at Kate's office; Kate plants a big, sudden kiss on Nick; in a low voice]

Kate Mosley Okay, just shush, grab my ass, kiss my neck, and pull me into the office, okay?

[also in a low voice]

Nick Uh, y... yeah... yeah... uh, yes, sir!

Pay It Forward

Gift of a Car Without Strings

Chris Chandler You want me to drive home in your car?

Thorsen No, I want you to take my car. Had a lot of luck lately. I don't need it.

Chris Chandler You're giving me a brand new Jaguar, and you don't want anything?

Thorsen I can prove it. Give me your card.

Thorsen I'll be in touch.

Chris Chandler Whoa, what is this? What, you want me to kill your wife or something?

Thorsen No. Tempting, but no. Call it generosity between two strangers.

Picture Perfect

Anticipating Conflict in Conversations

Nick So how do you think it's going?

Kate Mosley Um, fine, I guess. But, you know, if one of us doesn't start this fight pretty soon, um, everyone's gonna MISS it.

200 Cigarettes

Complications of Casual Relationships

Jack Look, what happened between us last night is like this ongoing problem with me. It happens all the time: I meet someone, we go home together, but then the next day it's...

Cindy What? Next day what?

Jack Well, they tell me that suddenly they've developed these feelings for me.

Cindy What are you saying, that every woman you go home with falls in love with you or something?

Jack Yes! It's like a curse! It never ends!

Cindy A woman falls in love with you and you think that's a curse?

Jack You have no idea!

Cindy No! I don't! Because I think you're lucky! I mean, there are some people who wait their entire lives for somebody to tell them they feel that way about them, and you, you just throw it away like it's nothing, like it's a minor inconvenience! Well let me tell you something, Jack, you are cursed - just not the way you think you are.

Memorable Quotes from Jay Mohr

find it. watch it.