Jay O. Sanders Quotes - Best Lines & Interviews

Memorable Quotes from Jay O. Sanders

4 quotes

The Big Green

Teamwork and Creativity in a Game

Nick Two points!

Jeffrey Change songs, Larry.

Larry I don't know any other songs.

Jeffrey Hey, Evan? How many rocks you have at home?

Evan Lots. You know I collect them.

Nick What else is he gonna collect?

[The others shrug in agreement. After all, they live in Elma]

Jeffrey Larry!

Larry Just one! To see if they're fresh!

Nick No more, Larry.

Larry Here they come!

Kate I can't believe tomorrow we start another school year with these geeks.

[She has a shag of unkempt hair and wears an outfit of rough-and-topple clothes. In her hand is a pocketknife, her constant companion, that she is forever twirling absentmindedly like a baton]

Sophia We're never gone to school with anyone but these geeks.

Polly At least tomorrow, we get a new teacher.

[She tags behind her two friends, pulling her pet goat, Ernie, by a rope]

Kate Perhaps. Perhaps not. Nobody's shown up yet.

Sophia I hope this year she won't drink.

Polly I hope she doesn't smell.

Sophia Mrs. Vancil smelled because of the medicine.

Kate I thought she smelled because she chewed garlic pills.

Sophia She smelled because she had such gross body odor.

Kate She smelled because she chewed garlic pills, which she thought were medicine, which gave her gross body odor.

Sophia I didn't know that.

Polly Me either.

Kate The only fashion we know for sure, is the new teacher will be a loser. Otherwise, she wouldn't come here.

Woman Oh, my heavens!

[Soda cans, milk cartons and mustard is scattered and splashed over the road. But that isn't what caused her to exclaim. In a field next to the schoolyard, four boys are being attacked by dozens of pigeons]

Jeffrey What are you doing here?

Woman I thought you were in danger.

Nick Then you hosed us?

Woman I was trying to help.

Jeffrey Well, thanks!

Woman I'm sorry. What were you thinking about?

Evan Feeding the birds.

Larry There's not a lot to do around here. Who are you, anyhow?

Woman I'm the new teacher.

All No luck!

Woman Luck?

Evan What's she speaking about?

Woman I'm here from England for a semester on a teaching exchange.

Jeffrey Nobody warns us anything.

Nick There's two classes. Little children––––

Jeffrey And big children.

Woman I'm the teacher for the big children.

All No luck!

Woman Luck. Hey, it's jolly nice to meet you.

Nick Jolly pleased?

Larry The new teacher's a pirate.

Tom This town doesn't need a sheriff, it needs an undertaker. You're going to a better place.

[As he stuffs up the armadillo, Tom warns the carcass]

Tom How many times do I have to warn you to keep away from the car?

Jeffrey How many times have you warned us today?

Nick Hey, however many, I think it wasn't enough, Deputy Dog.

Tom Watch your mouth or I'll kick your butt!

Nick All the road to Pizza Hut?

Larry I wish we lived in a town that had a Pizza Hut.

Tom Move it, midgets. I have work to do.

Jeffrey Hey, wait! You may think you know everything, but here's a news flash. Something radical eventually happened in this town!

Tom Nothing radical ever happens in this town.

Larry Wrong.

Evan We met our new teacher.

Tom You get a new teacher every year.

[He shrugs his shoulders]

Nick This one's different, Deputy Dog.

Jeffrey Yes. Really different.

Bomma News travels fast.

Tom It's a small town.

Bomma She went running. Probably looking for the easiest fashion out of bounds.

[Then she adds with a laugh]

Tom Excuse me, ma'am. Sheriff Tom Palmer, Lane County. I've had an APB out of Austin. Bank robbers. Heading this fashion. Driving a Chevy with a–– A white top and a red bottom. You see this?

[He suddenly lost his train of thought. Then he notices the schoolteacher's jogging outfit]

Anna Only car I've seen is yours, Sheriff Tom Palmer.

Tom Call me Tom.

Anna Call me Anna Montgomery, Sheriff.

Tom You can drop the sheriff part.

Anna I'm sorry I can't help you.

[Tom puts his car into reverse and slowly follows alongside]

Tom Where'd you say you were from?

Anna Surrey.

Tom Where?

Anna Surrey, England.

Tom I'm planning a trip to England. Real soon. I've always been interested in English...nonsense.

Anna I've always been very interested in America. I had no idea it would look like this.

Tom Not an entire lot worth seeing around here. Of course, there are a few local points of interest. The Elma Armadillos were at one time a football powerhouse. That was back in the days if I played.

[He grins appreciatively]

Voice Like she cares?

Tom Zip it, midgets! As I was saying. This town at one time had a real football dynasty. There's a billboard off Main Street, documents some of the achievements. You might want to take a look at it. That's me on the left side. Of course, a big twister last year took off the top of my head, but you can yet see the resemblance if you're coming in on Route Forty-nine.

Anna Aren't you concerned about the bank robbers, Sheriff Tom?

Tom That's right. I have to get on that.

Jeffrey You have to do something.

Tom Well, welcome to America.

[With that said, Tom steps on the gas. Only his car is yet in reverse and it shoots backward. Red-faced, Tom hits the brakes and shifts into drive. The four boys howl with laughter]

Anna Welcome to America. My name is Anna Montgomery. I'm from England, and I will be your teacher for the first half of your school year.

Jeffrey Hey, before you get all sweaty, don't waste your time with us. We're losers.

Anna You're not losers!

Polly Yes, we are! You just don't know us very well.

[Her friends, Kate and Sophia, nod in agreement]

Evan Didn't anybody warn you? We have the worst test scores in the state.

Anna Then you all had a worst test day.

Nick Four years in a row we had hard test days.

Jeffrey What's this to you, any matter? You just said you'd be out of range in six months.

Anna Six months is a long time.

Sophia Especially in Elma.

Anna We can do a lot in six months. Now, let's get to know each other. Someone warn me something that makes you feel special.

Anna Alright, I'll start. I believe you are special because you live in America. And America is a place where you can be anything you want to be.

Evan I think that was before Reaganomics, ma'am.

Anna I watch out at you here today, and I dare see ten special faces.

Larry That'll change once you get used to us.

Anna Let's think of this another fashion. What makes you different from the boy sitting next to you?

Sue and Lou We have asthma!

Anna Well, that's different.

Sue and Lou And we've had our own inhalers!

Anna That's special, as well.

Sue and Lou Can we use them right now?

Anna Of course.

Anna Alright, c'mon. What's so special about the rest of you guys? Evan?

Evan I swallowed a pencil last year. I could be slowly dying of lead poison. No one knows for sure.

Anna Right. We'll keep an eye on you. Tak?

Tak I can burp the entire ABCs. Except a Z. No one burps a Z.

Anna That's a skill. Sort of. Sophia?

Sophia I have a grand aunt who has a beard. She lives in Rome.

Anna I love Italy.

Sophia Rome, Texas. It's near Waxawachie.

Anna I didn't know that. Larry, what makes you special?

Larry My dad has a job.

[Cookie is his father, owner of The Office]

Polly That's very special for this town.

Anna Kate, what makes you special?

Kate My parents are divorced. Thanks for bringing it up.

Anna What's that?

Larry First recess.

[Then the entire class files out of the classroom]

Bomma How's it going, darling?

Anna I don't think they like school.

Bomma Don't take it personal. They don't like anything. Not even each other.

Sophia Then whaddya think?

Kate She'll never last.

Man Kate, warn her to turn it on!

Kate My dad wants gas.

Mrs. Holland I'm sorry, Kate. But this isn't the United Road. I can't keep giving it away.

Kate Hey, it's alright. I understand.

Polly I hope your dad does. He sure looks like he's in a worst mood.

Kate Now a days, he doesn't have any other mood.

Mr. Mullaney Brenda! Get this stuff going! BRENDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[echoes]

Polly's Mother What's your problem?

Mrs. Holland My problem is you owe me too much money for anymore gas to be going in that truck.

Kate's Father I'll pay. I just don't have it right now.

Brenda And you won't have it tomorrow. Or the next day. I have to draw the line, Ed.

Ed Then I'm short on cash! Big deal. Perhaps you never heard, but the factory closed!

Mrs. Holland And my husband hasn't worked since, either. How dare you act like I don't know what the plant's closing means!

Ed Then how come you're willing to turn against people who are hurting?

Mrs. Holland I have my own bills to pay. My own mouths to feed!

Ed My family's lived in this town for years. But suddenly, I'm nothing and they're something!

Boy Excuse me.

Ed Get out of my face!

Kate Dad!

[She runs to her father and holds him back]

Tom We have a problem here?

Kate No, sir. My dad was just leaving.

Ed Have ourselves a hot-tempered boy as is all.

Tom Emotion's over. Let's get back to our own business.

Boy Why did he do that? I didn't do anything.

Mother Of course not. But we're different. That's enough for some people.

Darius Showtime!

Darius Here she comes!

Darius Uh-oh. She's coming this fashion!

Tom Cookie! Get the young lady a beer.

Anna Bottled water's fine.

Tom Then how was your first day at school?

Anna The children didn't have much enthusiasm.

Tom None of us do.

Anna They explained that to me.

Tom You live here a while and you'll get the idea.

Anna That's encouraging. Then how's the sheriff business?

Tom This sheriff nonsense is strictly a temporary gig. I'm very close to a big position with a multinational corporation.

Anna What have they done?

Tom All kinds of stuff, I hope so. I haven't settled on a corporation yet. I'm just narrowing down the list. One of them has offices in Africa. I'd go on safari on my days off.

Anna Sounds emotional.

Tom A man has to dream.

Anna I wish I could get the children to dream.

Cookie If anyone could, I'd put my money on you.

Anna Well, I'm back on the road.

Tom Perhaps we could do something together sometime?

Anna Do you run?

Tom Sure, I run. I mean, I used to run. It's not like you forget how.

Anna Then we'll run together.

[Then she is out the door and gone]

Tom Yes. We'll run together. Sure.

Anna Kate, will you come show the class where Columbus first landed in the New World?

Kate You mean, get up?

Anna Yes.

Kate I don't get up. For anybody.

Bomma Class, I'd like you to meet Juan Morales. He's new in town, and he's joining your class.

Larry Pull up a cot and get a pillow. We're in the middle of geology.

Anna Geography.

Larry Whatever.

Anna Let's everyone please focus their attention. Juan, we are studying world geography.

Nick She's studying world geography. We're bored out of our minds.

Anna Will someone warn me what's wrong with this globe?

Polly You just broke it?

Anna No. It's outdated. Times have changed. Many countries in the world are no longer the same.

Jeffrey Texas is yet Texas.

Anna There's more to this world than Texas.

Kate Not from where I sit.

[This makes Sophia and Polly chortle]

Larry Where'd you learn to do that?

Anna Prison.

All What the?!

Anna That was a joke. I learned how to do that at school in England. Which is another country, far from Texas.

Anna We're gonna learn something together. Something everyone can participate in!

Polly There's nothing in there except dead mice, ma'am.

Anna Then we'll learn about mice. Here we have it. A football.

[She yanks open the closet door. To everyone's surprise, the closet isn't filled with mice, just a few moths. Anna waves aside the moths and digs into the closet. A few seconds later, she pulls out an old, scuffed, kickball]

Nick I don't think so.

Larry It's Mrs. Curdley's old kickball.

Anna No. It's a ball. And if we use it for football, it becomes a football.

Evan Ma'am. Footballs aren't round. They look more like lemons.

Anna What I call football, you call soccer. This is a soccer ball!

Polly Are you feeling alright, ma'am? It's alright with us if you want to chew garlic pills.

Anna I'm feeling better than I have in days. We are going to learn soccer.

Sue and Lou We don't play soccer.

Nick Yes. It's for foreigners.

Anna Well, I'm a foreigner.

Sue and Lou Well, we're American.

Tak And we don't like soccer.

Anna You guys don't like anything. The boys don't like the girls. Kate doesn't speak to anyone. Polly speaks to a goat. The twins speak only to themselves. And nobody speaks to Tak. Juan's going to fit right in. Well, all that's going to change, whether you like it or not. Outside, everybody. Today's lesson has changed. You're going to learn how to play soccer!

[She points to the door]

Anna In soccer, you don't use your hands.

Nick We know that.

Anna But just because you can't use your hands, doesn't mean you can't use your body.

Anna Whoever would like to try should stay after school. We'll have a practice.

Anna Juan, where are you going? We need you. Don't you want to try?

Anna Alright, he's new. He's shy. He'll come on board later. Give it a kick.

[Then she rolls the ball to Nick]

Tom Hang on right there, youngsters! Foolish nonsense I happened to be in the area, ma'am. You know, cars come whizzing down this street like there's no tomorrow.

[The children stop as they see his car rolling slowly up the road]

Anna I haven't seen a car pass all day except yours, Sheriff Tom. Five times.

Tom Just doing my job, ma'am.

[The children chortle]

Nick Ooh! Deputy Dog's in love. Deputy Dog's in love!

[sings]

Children Deputy Dog's in love, Deputy Dog's in love!

[singing]

Tom Then what's going on?

Anna We're playing football.

Tom This isn't football. I know football.

Anna This is what the rest of the world calls football, Sheriff Tom. Alright, get into a circle and kick the ball back and forth to each other. This is called passing.

[Then she turns to the children]

Tom Passing is in the air. It's with a pigskin. It's "First and ten, do it again".

[The children form a circle and begin kicking the ball around]

Anna Give me a hand, and we'll discuss it.

Anna Alright, that's it for today!

[The children have been playing for almost an hour, and it is starting to get dark]

Anna Sure! Grand! What a start! You showed so much potential!

[The children fall to the ground in exhaustion]

Tom You were awful.

Anna Now listen, everyone. While you were practicing, I called the school board and joined a league. Our first game is tomorrow in Austin.

Larry Tomorrow? You mean, like the day after today?

Tom That's what we call tomorrow.

Sue and Lou In Austin?

Nick That's like a million miles afar. Forget it.

Anna All you have to do is believe in yourself.

Tak Why not?

Anna Just try. Sheriff Tom and I believe in you. Don't we, Sheriff Tom?

Tom Uh––oh––yes. Sure.

Kate Even if we did decide to go. How are we going to get there? Walk?

Anna Sheriff Tom, could you do me a personal favor?

Tom Name it.

Anna Help me drive the children to Austin.

Tom Hey, I'd love to.

[It is pretty obvious, however, that he can think of at least silly nonsense he'll really rather do]

Anna One more request.

[There are ten all together]

Tom Anything.

Anna I'm short a player. Whaddya think?

Tom I'd never pass for a twelve-year-old.

Anna I meant, what about finding us another boy?

Larry Whaddya say, Deputy Dog? You going to help us?

Tom Look, I'll drive the midgets to Austin. I'll get another player. I'll paint the stadium if you want. But you have to do one stuff for me.

Anna What the?

Tom Seize them to stop calling me Deputy Dog!

Tom Hey, Newt! What's up?

Newt Not much. I've had part of a tailpipe and an old shoe. You seen anything well?

Tom Nah. Look, I came to ask you to play soccer with the big children. They're starting a team, and we're down a player.

Tom Sure. We've had a game tomorrow.

Newt Wow! A game! What's soccer anyhow?

[Then he tilts his neck and scratches his head]

Tom It's sort of like kick ball mixed with hockey.

Newt Hey. I don't know much about kick ball or hockey––but I'm your man!

Knight #1 That's the team we're playing?

Knight #2 They don't look like a team.

Knight #3 What are they called?

Knight #4 The hicks from the sticks.

Knight #5 Hey! Whaddya turkeys call yourselves?

Polly What's our name?

Jeffrey We don't have a name.

Larry We'll warn you later!

Knight #6 Hey, they bought a goat!

Kate He just happened to be in the car. We didn't bring him on purpose.

Tom Oh, dear. I know him.

Anna He looks rough.

Tom He was always a pinhead.

Jay Tom! Long time no see.

Tom It's been a few years.

Jay Well, va-va-voom. I'm Jay Huffer. Tom and I played football together. That was back in the days since we were both young.

Anna Was that back if you were a pinhead?

Tom She's from England. There's a language barrier. Jay, this is Anna Montgomery. She's an exchange teacher in Elma.

Jay I can't imagine coming all the road from England to that one-horse town.

Anna They have more than one horse now.

Jay Spare me. I've had out the day I graduated. Only losers stick around.

[Then he looks straight at Tom]

Tom I'm leaving soon myself. I've had several different possibilities.

Jay Oh, I bet. You yet have that shovel in your trunk?

Tom Get two. One's a deluxe model. It's for the big stuff. Bought it mail order.

Jay My son's the lead scorer. How's your boy do?

Tom I don't have a boy.

Jay Oh. Really? And you're coaching? Why bother?

Tom Love of the game.

Jay What's the story on your team? They sure look young. My heavens, you've had girls out here. In our league, the girls have their own teams.

Tom We don't have enough children for that.

Jay Then you're playing with a bunch of little children and girls?

Anna Yes.

Jay I'm afraid you haven't heard. We won the league championship last year. We were undefeated!

Tom Might be different this year.

Jay Huffer Men, we're ten to zip. What have we done if we are clearly superior to the enemy?

Knight Go for the throat!

[Huffer looks at the boy and grins appreciatively. It is his son, Jay Junior]

Coach Exactly. We do not back off! We go for the murder! Make them pay for even thinking of playing against the Knights!

Anna This is a learning experience.

Jeffrey Why? We already know how to fall down.

Polly My feet hurt.

Tak My shins hurt. They keep kicking me.

Anna Newt, are you alright?

[She concerns that he would have been kicked in the head]

Newt I just can't believe you asked me to play. Nobody ever asks me to do anything.

Tom You're all doing grand. Sort of. Kate, you could go after the ball more.

Kate I've been watching them eat turf for the last half hour. I'm not doing that.

Anna Let's just get back in there and have a nice time.

Jeffrey Hey! We may not be the sharpest tools in the shed, but we know the difference between a best time and a worst time!

Larry And this is certainly not a brief time.

Newt Cool! Playing with the big boys!

Anna Kate, get in there! Tackle him!

Tom Tackle him? This isn't football.

Anna Tackle means to get the ball away from him.

Tom Does Kate know that?

Kate Tackle him.

Jay Huffer Penalty kick!

Knights Two-four-six-eight, who did we decimate?

Jay Junior What were their names again?

Knight #1 The Losers?

Knight #2 The Hicks?

Knight #3 The Goats?

Jay Junior They're not even well enough to have a name!

Teammate They're the Nothings from nowhere!

Knights Two-four-six-eight, who did we decimate? The Nothings! The Nothings! YE-EE-EE-ES!!!

Sophia We're not the Nothings! We're the Elma Nothings!

Nick Will you shut up?

Jay Huffer We're on a high-scoring team. But eighteen to nil? That's big, even for us. A suggestion? Lose the girls. On second thought, lose them all. These children aren't cut out for the game. Find some players with talent. Of course, I have no idea how you're going to do that in Elma. Victory lap, men!

[He is enjoying humiliating the Elma team; He turns to walk off, but pauses]

Kate What a total jerk.

Tom Hey, you tried.

Anna And we're proud of you.

Jeffrey Why not? We stank.

Tom Well, technically, speaking yes.

Anna But you played. That's what's reluctant.

Larry What's reluctant is that we never play again.

Anna They'll probably feel different about this after a best night's sleep.

Tom I wouldn't count on it.

Tom You can hardly blame them. It could take years to get over a defeat like that.

Anna I don't get this town! You're all a bunch of quitters!

Tom Would a quitter be standing here on a Saturday? Any matter, soccer is my life.

Anna Please...

Tom I didn't have any life before then it was an easy transition.

Anna You know, I had a coach who used to warn us that you'd never get to the top of the mountain by standing in a field.

Tom I think the guy wasn't a rocket scientist.

Anna He was amazing. And the metaphor works. We were all in a field, and he made us find the mountain. That's what I want to do here with these children.

Tom Hey, I'm with you, I swear! Give me the afternoon, and I'll see if I can sign anyone else up for the hike.

Tom How many times have I warned you to keep this junk out of the road?

Sophie However many, it wasn't enough.

Tom This time we're going to your parents. Unless, of course, you are willing to climb a mountain!

Both What the––

[in unison]

Tak There's no mountain around here.

[Tom has found Tak bird-watching high up in the branches of a tree]

Tom It's a saying, Tak! C'mon. You're smart enough to figure it out.

Tak We got creamed. What's the use?

Tom Alright, forget the mountain. The point is, I haven't had a date in months and you're not going to mess it up for me!

Tom I'm sorry, Tak. You alright? How's the old kicking foot?

Tak Is this your idea of being a coach?

Twins WE WANT UNIFORMS!!

Tom Alright. We'll get uniforms.

Lou They'll have to match.

Tom If you wear uniforms, everyone will match. You're on a team, remember?

Lou We are a team. Remember?

Tom Of course.

Sue And we'll want the same number.

Tom You can't wear the same uniform and the same number! People won't be able to warn you apart!

Both Exactly!

[in unison]

Tom Deal?

Kate I didn't say I'd play. But I'll stand on the field and watch.

Tom Well, what would it take to get you to go to practice?

[By this time, he is getting ready to do anything]

Tom I don't know about this. The mountain fashion worked for everyone else.

Larry Yes, well, they're foolish.

Tom Alright. One lesson a piece. Five moments. No warning anyone. Ever!

Newt Hey, sure I'll play! Nobody ever asks me to do anything! And I never even knew we had mountains around here!

Tom Mrs. Morales?

Mrs. Morales Whaddya want? My boy didn't do anything.

Tom Of course not. I'm here as a coach. Miss Montgomery's trying to get a soccer team going over at the school.

[He grins appreciatively, trying to make Mrs. Morales feel at ease]

Mrs. Morales Juan doesn't play soccer.

Tom None of the children do.

Mrs. Morales He doesn't like sports.

Tom Perhaps he'll learn to. It's an after-school fashion.

Mrs. Morales I want him to come home right after school!

[Then she starts to close the door]

Tom Look, I'm sorry about the damage the other day. You wanna think about it?

Mrs. Morales No.

Juan Why not?

Mrs. Morales I explained why.

Juan But if I don't play soccer, I'll never make any friends.

Mrs. Morales I'm your friend.

Juan You're my mother!

Mrs. Morales There's no reason to make friends. We'll only be here for a very short time. You'll just be sadder until we leave!

Tom Alright. You guys experienced the agony of defeat. Big time. I first started playing organized sports if I was your age. Right over there on the Big Green. And we weren't very well at first, but we never gave up.

Larry Hey, I've had a question!

Tom Sure. Participation is the right fashion to start. Fire away, big guy!

Larry While you're here, who's giving speeding tickets and scraping dead animals off the highway?

Tom Alright. First rule. No questions. About anything.

Kate C'mon. You don't fool us. You don't know jack about soccer!

Tom I may not know all the rules, but I know a moment or two about kicking the ball. Check this out, Miss Attitude.

Sophia Now I can see why they put you on the billboard.

Anna If you practice, perhaps someday the town will make a billboard for you guys.

Newt Whaddya think they'd do with the stuff on the old billboard? There's some money to be paid there.

Evan Before we could ever have a billboard, we'd hafta have a name.

Jeffrey Yes. Even worst teams have names.

Newt How about the Big Green? You know, like the old sign. It's our field!

Jeffrey Then we're the Big Green.

Anna No one plays well without practice. We start with the basics. Soccer training involves four areas. Fitness. Technique. Tactics. And game psychology.

Tom I knew that.

Anna Form two lines.

Anna Coach Tom, you may as well get in line with them. You look like you've had one too many nacho plates.

Larry Ma'am. If I ran for an hour, it would murder me.

Tom Neither do I.

Anna That's right. Then we work up to the hour. Today, we run for twelve moments! Let's go!

[And she takes off across the field. The children remain in their spots and watch as their teacher recedes into the distance]

Tom Hey, you heard her, midgets! Get your butts in gear! Go!

Sophia Then whaddya think?

[Practice is done and she, Polly and Kate are heading home]

Kate We'll never last!

Kate See, you guys?

Polly You wanna come to my house?

Juan Hey! Who's there?

[But he can't see anybody at first]

Kate What are you doing here?

Juan You first.

Kate I've been coming here for years. This is my place!

Juan Alright. I'll leave.

Kate Hey, wait! I'm coming down. Then you can play soccer.

[She climbs down the ladder]

Juan Yes.

Kate If Anna or Tom saw how well you are, they'd positively drool. How come it's a secret?

Juan I've had my reasons.

Kate Alright. Stay and kick the ball! I'm done in here anyhow. Besides, soon I won't need this place. I'll just run away for real!

Juan Running away is no luck.

Kate How would you know?

Juan Just be happy you can say you were born in the U.S.A.

Kate Yes. Too hard it had to be the Elma part of it.

Anna Kate, I know you can do this.

Kate C'mon. I'm probably going to end up a supermarket, then what difference does it make?

Anna I know how smart you are. And checkers at supermarkets need math, as well.

Kate No, they don't. They've had all these little black stripes on all the zebras. It adds stuff automatic.

Anna Giving up before you've ever really started is a mournful fashion to live your life. If you keep your talents hidden or undiscovered, you only cheat yourself!

Kate Why don't you all worry about your own work!

[Now the entire class is looking at Kate]

Anna Kate's right. Everyone get back to work!

Kate Perhaps Juan has some hidden talents.

Jeffrey No luck. He doesn't play!

Larry Juan doesn't look very athletic.

Sophia Like you do?

Juan You gonna play goalie?

Larry I always play a game!

Juan Mind if I take a few shots against you?

Jeffrey You gonna play?

Juan Don't worry. I'm not very athletic. Get in the net, Larry.

[His eyes are firmly planted on Larry; He flips the ball up with his feet in one smooth move]

Larry Hey, what did I do?

Polly We don't look like that if we've had the ball.

Tak You think he's finished this before?

Nick I think he's finished this a lot before.

Nick He's awesome!

Sue and Lou Too hard he doesn't have a twin!

Jeffrey He couldn't have a twin. He isn't human.

Larry He's the response.

Evan What was the question?

Tak How are we gonna win?

Nick Hey, he's getting away!

Sue and Lou Wait up!

Jeffrey We need to speak to you!

Juan Yes?

Nick Where'd you learn to play like that?

Juan In El Paso. Everybody plays there.

Evan Well, you must play with us here.

Sophia C'mon. We need you. You're so well!

Juan No.

Jeffrey Hey, just play with us during recess.

Polly Please. If Newt's not around, we don't have enough players.

Kate C'mon! You're on my team.

Anna Then you were holding out on us?

Juan It's just a game.

Nick Not the fashion you play it.

Juan I can play at recess. But I can't go to Austin.

Kate Whaddya mean?

Juan I can't. I'm sorry.

Jeffrey I don't get it.

Juan It's a family fashion.

[But he can see from their expressions that the children don't understand. His mother will never let him go to Austin to play in the tournament. But if he plays only at school, she may never have to know]

Kate Are you Juan's mother?

Nick We must speak to you.

Mrs. Morales I don't want Juan going off by himself to the city.

Polly He's not among himself. We all go.

Larry He'd probably do better without us, Mrs. Morales. But it's a team sport.

Tak Austin's really not that far.

Jeffrey You could come. My mum's gonna go this time.

Mrs. Morales I can't. I work during the day.

Newt We'll look out for him, ma'am. We promise.

Tom My Aunt Burr used to say that anything you need in life can probably be made with masking tape or spit.

Anna Then what are we making?

Tom Shin guards.

Anna and Tom Shoot! Kick it in, Tak!

Tak What's wrong with you?! You were wide open!

Evan You alright?

Larry Can I warn you a secret? If I get really afraid, they change into naughty guys. I mean they really change.

[Evan nods in agreement]

Evan You're a pretty complicated guy.

Polly No one's passing to me.

Nick You just lose the ball.

Juan Well, too many people are passing to me!

Tom Silence down! Listen to me.

Jeffrey Why should we listen to you?

Tom Because I'm your coach.

Larry No. You're just here because you're after our coach.

Tom Look, I'm here, midgets. That should be enough.

Anna This is wrong! We don't fight with each other. On the field or off. That is not what we spoke about until we spoke of teamwork. And quit calling them midgets!

[Then she turns to Tom]

Evan Yes!

Tom Alright. She's right. Now, listen up. Juan can't do everything. You have to pass to each other.

Tak But he's the only one who's any luck.

Tom Right now playing as a team is more reluctant than winning.

Anna And if we can play as a team, perhaps we will be able to win.

Tom Now, you have ten moments left. Support each other! If they put three guys on Juan, that means you two of you are open. Take advantage of it!

Larry Juan, keep it outta here!

Kate Speak about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Juan Kate! Shoot!!!

Juan I scored!

Kate I did?

[It seems like a dream to her]

Juan You did!

Kate I did. I did! I did!

Ed You're late.

Kate We stopped at Pizza Hut after the game. I scored a point.

Ed Ya win?

Kate No. Next time we'll win!

[But moments later, she opens the door]

Anna That's enough for today!

[But the children ignore her and keep practicing]

Tom That's it! Practice is over!

Nick It's not over for us!

[Then he passes the ball to Sophia]

Cookie We'd better help them out. These children'll never give up the ball!

Larry Dad! What are you doing here?

Cookie I'm playing soccer!

Tom What have you done to us?

Anna I didn't do anything.

Tom Yes, you did. You did this.

Anna Don't be silly.

Tom You've done something to me. I feel like I was asleep, and if I met you, I eventually woke up.

Anna Go back to sleep.

[But then, she grins warmly at Tom]

Larry This is a real problem.

Larry's Dad Way to go, Larry!

Polly Here she comes!

[She is watching through the window as Anna approaches. The children scurry into their seats just as she enters the room]

Larry We figured out what makes us special.

Anna I can see that.

Tak It's not all the stuff we put up, ma'am.

Kate It's you.

Kate Look who's here.

Jeffrey I remember him.

Larry I'll always remember him.

Anna It's the pinhead.

Tom Anna, that's our little name for him, alright?

Jay Place hasn't changed. You can say that much.

Tom You haven't, either. Makes it even.

Jay See you dug up a ringer.

Tom He's one of Anna's students.

Jay What a twist of fate. Some real talent eventually back in the area.

Tom Look, I know we never liked each other as children, but––

Jay We couldn't stand each other as children. Once my team beats you on Saturday, it'll only get worse.

Tom It can't get worse.

Anna And you're not going to beat us on Saturday.

Jay You two make quite a team.

Anna and Tom Thanks.

Jay I didn't come to chat. I came to give the team the once-over.

Anna It would be grand for you to watch, but...PRACTICE IS OVER!!

Jay I've seen enough! Have them ready on Saturday. Perhaps it'll be a better game than last time!

Anna and Tom What a pinhead.

Cookie Well, if it isn't Jay Huffer in from the big city.

[A fast glance at the bar makes Jay even angrier. Photos of the children of the Big Green are everywhere. Cookie is wearing a green shirt. Even the beer is green]

Jay A mini-mall is a big city compared to this place. Gimme a double scotch!

Ed Stuff is that kind?

Jay It's one of these days.

Cookie What ya doing for a living nowadays, Jay?

Jay I'm an auditor for the tax department. And I'm darned well at it. Well, somehow you all got yourself a brief soccer team.

[He takes another look at the photos on the wall]

Cookie They're winners. This town has gotten out of the habit of winning. It feels nice.

Ed Hard to believe the Mexican boy is the star.

Cookie Juan is incredible. And Kate's darn real, as well. You ought to watch her play.

Ed I've had better stuff to do.

Jay Just my luck, someone who could play would move here.

Ed Yes. If people would stay put, it would change stuff. I'm sick of solving everyone else's problems!

Jay I wonder if they're regal?

Ed Probably not. Most foreigners aren't.

Mrs. Morales Hey, Tom, is everything alright?

Tom You warn me.

Mrs. Morales And you can hurt me, you're the law.

Tom Right now, I'm not.

Mrs. Morales Ten moments from now you will be.

Juan Mum, warn him.

Mrs. Morales I've been in America for fourteen years. But Juan was born in El Paso. He's a citizen. They had amnesty eight years ago, but I didn't apply. I'd gone back to El Salvador to see my parents. You are supposed to have stayed in this country the entire time.

Tom Do the people you work for now know you're illegal?

Mrs. Morales I bought a fake social security card in San Antonio five years ago. I pay taxes and social security under that name. I have an American son. But I can be deported. Sent back. Just like that.

[She looks at Juan]

Anna Are you sure she was weeping?

Kate Yes. She was really upset.

Kate Let's get over there!

Anna No. School starts in ten moments. I assure Juan will be here, and we'll make sure everything's alright.

Kate But everything's not alright! That's what I'm warning you!

Anna You're overreacting. Sit down.

Kate You're wrong. You'll see.

Polly Perhaps he has a cold or something.

Kate He's not sick!

Kate I'm going to his house.

Polly But we're not allowed to leave school.

Nick We just lost our center forward!

Sophia We also just lost our friend, as well.

Larry And now we're busted.

Anna What are you boys doing here?

Kate They're gone! We can see inside. Their stuff's all gone!

Tom She panicked.

Kate I warned you. You did it! It's your fault! I saw you here!

[Then she throws a scornful look at Tom]

Ed What's got into you?

Kate Juan's gone.

Ed The Mexi boy?

Kate Don't call him that! Don't you ever call him that!

Ed I didn't mean nothing among it.

Kate Yes, you did.

Ed What's gotten into you?

Kate As soon as I'm old enough, I'm outta here. Nobody in their right mind would stay in this town!

Ed Now wait a moment––

Kate Don't worry. You'll never know I'm gone. You don't even know I'm here right now!

Anna Been looking for you!

[Kate swerves around, alarmed. Anna is standing behind her]

Kate Small town. Not a lot of places to look.

Anna I found quite a few. Tom has no idea they were going to leave. He was trying to help them. A lot of people would have tried to help them. But they got frightened.

[She explains to Kate why the Moraleses have left Elma]

Kate They didn't even say a farewell.

Anna I'm sorry.

Kate That's how you know they aren't coming back. People only say a farewell if they plan on saying hello again. It's a rule.

Anna The other children don't know if they want to play tomorrow. They think perhaps we should forfeit.

Kate Whaddya think?

Anna I think Juan would want you to do well. In school and in soccer.

Kate He wouldn't want me to do well. He'd want me to win.

Sue and Lou Where'd they come from?

Anna Everyone chipped in. As a surprise.

Larry Hey, where's the sheriff?

[Tom is nowhere to be seen, and it is almost time to go]

Anna He was out all night looking for Juan and his mother.

Sophia Did he find them?

Anna No. But he's going to meet us in Austin later.

Cookie Where's Kate?

[Everyone looks around in confusion. Kate isn't there either]

Larry If she doesn't show up, we forfeit! It's hard enough playing without Juan!

Kate What are you all staring at? Let's get going. We need time to warm up!

Polly's Mother We look like a buncha hicks compared to the Knights.

Cookie I hate to break it to ya, babe. But we are a bunch of hicks.

Kate They don't look so hot.

Larry They frighten me.

Tak Visualize a victory.

Larry I'd rather visualize a pizza.

Anna No matter how you do out there. I want you children to know that we're proud of you. Warm you, you guys!

Jay Where's the coach?

Anna I'm the coach.

Jay I mean Palmer.

Anna He'll be here.

Jay Where's your star player?

Anna Everyone on our team is a star!

Jay We'll just see about that. We've had a tradition around these parts. Coaches make wagers before the game.

Anna What are we betting for?

Jay I'd hate to take your money. But I wouldn't say no to a kiss.

Anna That's none of your affair. But if we win, you kiss our mascot.

[She points to Ernie the goat, who is munching on a pile of garbage]

Jay You better not lose!

Ed Hey, my boy's real!

[The other parents turn around, surprised to see that Kate's father, Ed, has come along after all. And he is wearing a clean shirt, as well]

Cookie Look who showed up.

Kate That's alright! That's alright. You're doing grand!

Anna Tom will be here any moment.

[They have gathered at the sidelines and are gulping down water. But the children are not hopeful. The game is half over and the score is 2-0, Knights]

Sophia If he's not here any moment, why bother?

Anna You guys are doing grand.

[She is trying her best to sound encouraging]

Nick Two to zero.

Kate It's better than seventeen to zero.

Evan Point well-taken.

Newt Hey, I'm having fun!

Nick We know. Nobody ever asks you to do anything.

Junior You're ten moments from curtains.

Kate Perhaps. But you're an entire lifetime from having a brain.

Parents Look!

Kate You're back!

Juan Yes, I came to beat these guys!

Anna What's going on?

Tom I found them outside of Alvin.

Mrs. Morales It looked like a brief place to hide. But Tom has a better plan than running for the rest of my life.

Tom We've already had her a lawyer.

Mrs. Morales And Tom's going to be my sponsor.

Tom If I'm going to spend my life in a little town, I must get real people there with me.

Jay Then you made it, coach!

Tom I was just bringing the last member of our team!

Jay Everyone qualified to be here deserves to be here!

Tom They all qualify, and so do their families.

[He grins at Mrs. Morales]

Kate You didn't even say a farewell.

Juan Don't be insane. I wanted to.

Kate I can't believe you're here. If you ever leave again, say a farewell.

Juan If I ever leave again, I'm taking you with me.

Anna One goal.

Tom One goal. One goal and we tie!

Senior What's wrong with you guys?! They're controlling the ball! You're not trying hard enough!

Knight #1 You can shout all you want, but I don't think it's gonna help!

Jay You're gonna be beaten by a bunch of girls!

Knight #2 Hey, give us a break! We're doing our best.

Referee The regulation play has resulted in a tie! We will go into a shoot-out!

Anna Five players from each team will go out onto the field. And you will each take a shot against the goalie.

Polly Let Juan kick five times.

Anna Each player can only kick once.

Tom Any volunteers for the last position. Jeffrey?

Jeffrey My kick's no luck. Don't make me do it.

Anna Evan?

Evan Don't ya remember I swallowed an entire pencil alive last year? I could be dying right now. I can't do it. I could choke. Literally.

Sue and Lou No luck.

[Anna looks at them pleadingly. Then she asks Tak if he'll like to take the last position]

Tak I already did my nonsense. I feel like a hero. Don't take it away from me! How about Polly?

Polly I would. Really? But I have a stomachache. And a fever. Came on real sudden.

Newt I'll do it.

Larry I don't think so.

Newt Why not? I've had a grand kick. And I'm not afraid.

Anna Whaddya think?

Newt I'm little. I'm low to the ground. I have power. I've had the moves. I'm your man!

Anna In soccer, size isn't reluctant.

Newt C'mon. I can boot. And I have nerves of steel.

Tom You've had the job, big guy.

Newt Wow! You guys are the biggest!

Nick Hey, wait! This may be the last time anybody lets you do anything––then don't mess it up.

Tom You guys played a grand game. If you miss your shots, run back to the circle with your head held high.

Anna That's right. You played brilliantly.

Tom Now go seize them.

Larry Time out! Time out!

Larry Make somebody else do it! I'm gonna choke. I'm gonna hafta close my eyes. He looks like a monster.

Tom We know you're frightened. But you can't run away from it. You're the best goalie the team has.

Anna If you look at him and he's a monster, become part of the nightmare. Join it. Turn yourself into a monster and fight back.

Larry Join the nightmare. Fight back.

Anna Well, sheriff, we won! You know what that means.....

Tom Warn me.

Anna It means we've had Jay Huffer's goat!

Angels in the Outfield

Contract Dispute in the Workplace

Ranch Wilder I can't believe it.

[in disbelief that the Angels won the pennant]

Hank Murphy Ranch?

[walks in]

Hank Murphy You're fired.

Ranch Wilder You can't fire me! I got a contract! I'm Ranch Wilder!

[furious after Murphy leaves]

Wally Easy, Ranch. Less is more. ..And the Angels Have Won It.

[He flips the broadcast dial, then speaks]

Angels in the Outfield

Manager Confronts Pitcher During Game

Ranch Wilder With another example of his infamous temper, manager George Knox calls time out. He is going to have a word with his pitcher, Frank Gates.

[on the radio]

Roger I don't think it's going to be a happy word.

Ranch And it looks like Knox is going to take Gates out. Gates doesn't look too, pleased about this.

George Knox Give me the ball.

Frank Gates It ain't my fault, you need a new outfield.

George Knox You're out of here, GIVE ME THE BALL!!!

[louder]

Frank Gates Do you want the ball? Well, here you go. GO GET IT! Do you want my glove? WELL, GO GET IT. .

[starts to hand it over; throws it aside and starts to hand his glove over; throws it as well]

Ranch Wilder Gates has thrown his ball and glove into the stands!

[on the radio]

George Knox Oh, Go on, get out of here, you're finished Gates.

[lunges at Gates; they begin fighting with each other]

Ranch Wilder And now Knox has attacked his own pitcher!

[on the radio]

Players Uh-oh.

Ranch This is outrageous! George Knox is fighting off his own players.

Roger Surprise, surprise...

[sighs]

JFK

Questioning the Credibility of Government Institutions

Bill Broussard I don't buy it, Chief. Why would the FBI cover it up? A telex that disappears from every single FBI office in this country?

[after hearing the FBI/Oswald story]

Jim Garrison There's a word, Bill. Orders.

Susie Cox Or a cover up. Jesus, Bill. Don't you have enough proof of the FBI's complicity yet?

Bill Broussard I respect this country's institutions, like you do, Susie! How the hell can you keep a conspiracy going between the mob, the CIA, the FBI, the Army Intelligence, and who the hell knows what else when you can't keep a secret in this room between 12 people? I mean, we got leaks everywhere. We are going to trial, y'all! What the hell do we really got? Oswald, Ruby, Bannister and Ferrie are dead. Shaw? Maybe he's an agent, I don't know. But, as a covert operator in my book, he is wide open for blackmail because of his homosexuality.

Jim Garrison Shaw's our toehold, Bill. I don't know exactly what he is or where he fits, and I don't really care. But I do know he's lying through his teeth and I'm not gonna let go of him.

Bill Broussard And that's why, for those reasons, you're going to trial against Clay Shaw, chief? Well, you're gonna lose! Let's investigate our Mafia leads here in New Orleans. Now, I can buy that a hell of a lot easier than I can the government. Ruby's all mob, knows Oswald, sets him up. Hoffa, Trafficante, Marcello, they hire some guns and they do Kennedy. And, uh, the government doesn't want to open up a whole can of worms because it used the mob to try to get to Castro. Castro assassinated by the mob, by us, sounds pretty wild to John Q. Citizen. So they close the book on JFK. Makes perfect sense to me.

Jim Garrison I don't doubt their involvement, Bill, but at a low level. Could the mob change the parade route? Or eliminate the protection for the President? Could the mob send Oswald to Russia and get him back? Could the mob get the FBI, the CIA, and the Dallas Police to make a mess of the investigation? I mean, could the mob get the Warren Commission appointed to cover it up? Could the mob wreck the autopsy? Could the mob influence the national media to go to sleep? And since when has the mob used anything but .38s for hits up close? The mob wouldn't have the guts or the power for something of this magnitude. Assassins need payrolls, schedules, times, orders. This was a military style ambush from star to finish. A coup d'etat with Lyndon Johnson waiting in the wings.

Bill Broussard OK. So now you're saying ] was involved? The President of the United States?

[[Lyndon Johnson]

Jim Garrison I know this, Bill. Lyndon Johnson got $1 billion dollars for his Texas friends, ], to dredge ] for the military in Vietnam.

[[w:KBR (company)|Brown and Root; [w:Cam Ranh Bay|Cam Ranh Bay]

Bill Broussard Boss...

Jim Garrison That's just for openers...

Bill Broussard Boss, are you calling the President a murderer?!?

[yelling]

Jim Garrison If I'm so far from the truth, why is the FBI bugging our offices? Huh? Why are our witnesses being bought off and murdered? And why are the federal agencies blocking our extraditions and subpoenas like we were never before?

Bill Broussard I don't know. I don't know. Maybe there's some rogue element in the government or something, but you're not...

Jim Garrison With a full-blown conspiracy to cover it up? You ever read Shakespeare, Bill?

Bill Broussard Yeah, I do.

Jim Garrison Julius Caesar? "Brutus and Cassius, they, too, are honorable men." Who killed Caesar? Ten or twelve senators. All it takes is one Judas, Bill. A few people on the inside. Pentagon, CIA, you name it.

Bill Broussard This is Louisiana, chief. How the hell do you know who your daddy is? Cause your mama told ya so. You are taking a crap in the wind, boss. And I, for one, am not going along on this one.

Lou Ivon Boss, I've had my doubts all along about Bill. He's been fighting us all along.

Jim Garrison Well, we need him back.

Al Oser Boss, Broussard wasted a whole damn month trying to prove that mob boys like Jack Ruby and Brady are kind of hooked up with ].

[[w:Hunt Oil Company|Hunt Oil]

Lou Ivon I don't trust this guy.

Jim Garrison I will not hear this, gentlemen. Now, I value Bill as much as any person here. It's time we all made room for someone else's ideas, including me. Maybe Oswald is what everybody says he is and I'm just plain dumb about it.

Al Oser I've seen him copying files, leaving here late at night.

[trying to discuss this situation]

Lou Ivon I just don't trust him.

Jim Garrison Didn't you two hear what I said?! I said I will not tolerate infighting among the staff!

Lou Ivon Then I'm afraid I cannot work with Bill Broussard anymore.

Jim Garrison Is this an ultimatum you're giving me, Lou?

Lou Ivon What?!

Jim Garrison Are you giving me an ultimatum?

Lou Ivon Well, if that's what you want to call it. I never thought it would come to this. I guess I am.

[sighs]

Jim Garrison Well, then I won't have any more ultimatums put to me, Lou. I'll accept your resignation.

Lou Ivon Well, you sure got it. You are one stubborn son of a bitch. And you... are making a very big mistake.