Memorable Quotes from Jedidiah Cohen
2 quotesStruggles with Packing a Suitcase
Kevin
I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!
Jeff
Tough.
Kevin
That's what Megan said.
Megan
What did I say?
Jeff
You told Kevin "Tough".
Megan
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Kevin
I'm not an idiot!
Megan
Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
Jeff
She's right, Kev.
Kevin
Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!
Linnie
Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff
Shut up, Linnie.
Kevin
You know what I should pack?
Jeff
Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Linnie
Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
Kevin
What?
Jeff
Bombs away!
[throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet]
Linnie
P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.
Kevin
This house is so full of people, it makes me sick! When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! Did you hear me? I'm living alone! I'm living alone!
[jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him]
Rod
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
[taps on the spider's tank]
Buzz
He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod
Some don't.
Buzz
But they got nude beaches.
Rod
Not in the winter.
Kevin
Buzz?
Buzz
Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Kevin
Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass! Check it out. Old man Marley.
Rod
Who's he?
Buzz
You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod
No.
Buzz
That's him. Back in 58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
Rod
If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
Buzz
Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.
Rod
What's he doing now?
Buzz
He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.
Rod
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
Buzz
No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.
Kevin
Mummies!
[whispering]
Buzz
Yeow! Look out!
[as Marley spots them, he quickly closes the curtains]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Repetitive Request for Kevin's Item
Peter
This Kevin's? Give this to Kevin.
Kate
Give this... Give this to Kevin.
[tries to pass it to Frank, who waves her off; she passes it to Leslie instead]
Leslie
Give this to Kevin.
Tracy
Give this to Kevin.
Linnie
Kevin.
Buzz
Give this to Kevin.
Rod
Give this to Kevin.
Sondra
Give this to Kevin.
Megan
Give this to Kevin.
Jeff
Give this to Kevin.
Brooke
Give this to Kevin.
Fuller
Here you go, Kevin. Kevin's not here.
[notices elderly couple standing next to him instead of Kevin; passes bag up the line]
Brooke
Kevin's not here.
Jeff
Kevin's not here.
Megan
Kevin's not here.
Sondra
Kevin's not here.
Rod
Kevin's not here.
[passes bag to Linnie, skipping Buzz]
Linnie
Kevin's not here.
Tracy
Kevin's not here.
Leslie
Kevin's not here.
[passes bag to Kate, skipping Frank]
Kate
Kevin's not here.
[gives bag to Peter]
Peter
What?!
[incredulously]
Kate
KEVIN!!!!!!!!!
[laughs, but immediately gasps in shock, then screams at the top of her lungs in alarm; faints]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.