Jesse EisenbergQuotes

Tex: I think you'll find people will do a lot of things for you. If you ever just want to put down the beer bottle and let them.

Tex: You were way too drunk. There are rules.

William Hundert: Excuse me?

Louis Masoudi: Huh? What me?

William Hundert: Yes, sir. What is your name?

Louis Masoudi: Uh, Louis.

William Hundert: Just Louis?

Louis Masoudi: Louis Masoudi, sir.

William Hundert: Mr. Masoudi, could you define the word "path" for me?

Louis Masoudi: Well, there are several definitions, I suppose.

William Hundert: Would "a route along which someone or something moves" be among them?

Louis Masoudi: Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. I'm s-sorry, sir.

William Hundert: Follow the path, Mr. Masoudi. Walk where the great men before you have walked.

Louis Masoudi: Yes, sir. It's, uh - It's better for the grass.

William Hundert: It's better for you.

Ellie: So it's over right? Joanie's dead, so we're okay now.

Jimmy: That's subjective, we still have to back to our pathetic pre-cursed lives.

Ellie: I'm personally okay with that.

Jimmy: You're not in high school.

Ellie: She may have changed back into her human form. Her name's Joanie, she's this hyper, skinny publicist.

Police Officer: Any other descriptions?

Jimmy: Yeah, she's.. what 5'7?

Ellie: She's got a bony ass...and fat thighs...and bad skin...

Joanie: [flips her off] Liar!!!

Bo: What the fuck was that?

Jimmy: My dog.

Bo: What kinda dog do you have?

Jimmy: It's part of the curse, I'm appealing, I have this unnatural sexual allure.

Bo: Yeah, yeah, you do, I know.

Jimmy: No, I'm not gay, I'm cursed!

Bo: I know it must feel like that sometimes...

Jimmy: No, I'm cursed by the Mark of the Beast!

Bo: You trying out for the wrestling team Jimmy?

Jimmy: Oh no, I don't, I don't wrestle.

Bo: I'd think all that male to male contact would be right up your alley!

Jimmy: Is that the appeal for you? Haven't you been team captain for two years now?

Jimmy: Can you be still for a second?

Becky: You try flipping your car down a mountain and then staying FUCKING STILL!

Jimmy: You know the best thing about being a fairy? You get to fly.

Mike Howell: [[over intercom] Hey Phoebe! Phoebe? Hey Phoebe. I just wanted to say that I love you and that everything is going to be okay. I mean, not perfect, obviously, but better. Like, we'll probably have to get a new house. And also cars. But I'm coming to get you and this will all be over. Soon-ish.

Mike Howell: If I die, I'm going to do it stoned and smiling in my bed.

Walt Berkman: It's like... we were pals then... we'd do things together... we'd look at the knight armor at the Met. The scary fish at the Natural History Museum. I was always afraid of the squid and whale fighting. I can only look at it with my hands in front of my face.

Jeffrey: She could probably move her pussy muscles just the right way so you blow your load in like seconds.

Frank Berkman: Across the park? Is that still Brooklyn?

Columbus: You think so?

Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that.

Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional walk to first.

Columbus: So until next time

Wichita: Oooh, Free Parking! Which, coincidentally, is the best thing about living in Zombieland.

Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No Facebook status updates. You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." Who cares?

Talahassee: The best part is no more flushing. Epic.

Bill Murray: [after Columbus shoots him] Is that how you say hello where you come from?

Columbus: [realizing] Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.

Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?

Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.

Tallahassee: Bill?

Bill Murray: Yeah?

Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.

Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.

Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?

Bill Murray: No.

Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.

Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.

Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?

Bill Murray: [[w:Garfield: The Movie|Garfield; gives a long exhale, like a death rattle...then inhales and does another one before he dies] ], maybe.

Wichita: [suddenly starts snorting and laughing softly, everyone looks at her] I'm sorry, he just gets me...but it's very sad.

Columbus: Yeah.

Columbus: [about Tallahassee] Don't worry. He grows on you.

Wichita: Really?

Columbus: No, it gets worse.

Columbus: Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. "Oh, they stole my Hummer. Oh, we have trust issues." Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy or some shit for two hours like four normal-ass Americans? Fuck me.

Tallahassee: Whoa.

Columbus: I know.

Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?

Tallahassee: [[w:Cliff Clavin|a guy] No. I knew ] way worse at that than me.

Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?

Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?

Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?

Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.

Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.

Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?

Columbus: You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh...east.

Tallahassee: So?

Columbus: So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least - at least for a while?

Tallahassee: Here's the deal, Columbus. Uh, I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch, so, uh, I'll get this relationship to about Texarkana.

Columbus: Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana.

Tallahassee: You're a peppy little spit fuck, aren't you?

Columbus: You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.

Tallahassee: I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerves.

Columbus: [voiceover; the cameraman picks up the camera, and the White House is revealed to be destroyed; a zombie jumps up, attacks cameraman, and eats him; notices camera; zombie belches; the whole world is shown with local fires; overweight man gets taken down and eaten by a zombie; woman shoots zombie in chest, and the zombie falls over; zombie wakes up, and attacks] Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland. It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shitstorm. And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? It's because of my list of rules. Rule #1 for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties. Poor fat bastard. But as the infection spread and the chaos grew, it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. You had to get a gun, and learn how to use it. Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. In those moments where you're not quite sure if the undead are really "dead", don't get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head... ...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow, they could just smell it.

Guy: [sees zombie, and screams; gets killed] Can't a guy take a dumper in peace?

Columbus: [voiceover; a woman frantically pulls out her keys, and starts car; zombie girls fall off and growl; truck horn blares, and woman looks up as her van is stopped, but she flies through her windshield; she hits the pavement, leaving a streak of blood] Don't let them catch you with your pants down. Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms. As zombies began to outnumber humans, well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked up little monsters, well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. You had to focus on your own survival. Which leads to rule #4. Pretty basic. Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Columbus: [last lines; Tallahassee hits the zombie with the car door] So until next time, remember: Cardio, seat belts, and this really has nothing to do with anything, but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. I'm Columbus, Ohio from Zombieland, saying good night.

Columbus: [voiceover, face to face with a zombie clown; the words "RULE #17: DON'T BE A HERO" appear, with the word "DON'T" falling down, and turning into "RULE #17: BE A HERO"] Oh, God. Look at this fucking clown. Of course...it had to be a clown! No, wait. It had to be a clown. And it had to be Wichita up there to make me realize that some rules... ...are meant to be broken. Time to nut up or shut up. Fuck this clown.

Columbus: [to Tallahassee] You are like a giant cock-blocking robot, like developed in a secret government lab!

Columbus: I used to avoid people like they were zombies before they were zombies. Now that they are all now zombies, I kinda miss people.

Mark Zuckerberg: You signed the papers.

Eduardo Saverin: [In the verge of tears] You set me up.

Mark Zuckerberg: You're gonna blame me because you were the business head of the company and you made a bad business deal with your own company?

Eduardo Saverin: This is gonna be like I'm not a part of Facebook!

Sean Parker: It won't be like you're not a part of Facebook. You're not a part of Facebook.

Eduardo Saverin: My name's on the masthead.

Sean Parker: You might wanna check again.

Eduardo Saverin: This because I froze the account?!

Sean Parker: Did you think we were going to let you parade around in your ridiculous suits pretending you were running this company?

Eduardo Saverin: [snaps, turns to Sean; turns back to Mark] I'M SORRY! MY PRADA'S AT THE CLEANERS, , along with my hoodie and my "fuck you" flip-flops! You pretentious douchebag!

Sean Parker: Security's here, you'll be leaving now.

Eduardo Saverin: I'm not signing those papers.

Sean Parker: We will get the signature.

Eduardo Saverin: Tell me this isn't about me getting into the Phoenix!

Eduardo Saverin: You...! You did it, I knew you did it! You planted the story about the chicken!

Mark Zuckerberg: I didn't plant the story about the chicken.

Sean Parker: What's he talking about?

Eduardo Saverin: You had me accused of animal cruelty!

Sean Parker: Seriously, what the hell's the chicken?

Eduardo Saverin: And I'll bet what you hated the most was that they identified me as a co-founder of Facebook, which I am. You better lawyer up, asshole! Because I'm not just coming back for 30%, I'm coming back for everything.

Sean Parker: Get him out of here.

Eduardo Saverin: It's okay, I'm going.

Sean Parker: [Pulls out a check] Hang on! Almost forgot. Here's your $19,000. I wouldn't cash it, though. I drew it on the account you froze.

Eduardo Saverin: [smirking] I like standing next to you, Sean. It makes me look so tough.

Marylin Delpy: What are you doing?

Mark Zuckerberg: Checking in to see how it's going in Bosnia.

Marylin Delpy: [pause] Bosnia. They don't have roads, but they have Facebook. You must really hate the Winklevosses.

Mark Zuckerberg: I don't hate anybody. The "Winklevii" aren't suing me for intellectual property theft. They're suing me because for the first time in their lives, things didn't go exactly the way they were supposed to for them.

Mark Zuckerberg: I'm not a bad guy.

Marylin Delpy: I know that. When there's emotional testimony, I assume that 85% of it is exaggeration.

Mark Zuckerberg: And the other 15?

Marylin Delpy: Perjury. Creation myths need a Devil.

Eduardo Saverin: Mark. Mark!

Sean Parker: He's wired in.

Eduardo Saverin: I'm sorry?

Sean Parker: He's wired in.

Eduardo Saverin: Is he?

Sean Parker: Yes.

Eduardo Saverin: How bout now? Still "wired in"?!

Sean Parker: Call security.

Eduardo Saverin: You issued 24 million new shares of stock?!

Mark Zuckerberg: You-- You were told that if new investors came along--

Eduardo Saverin: [Points to Sean] How much were your shares diluted? How much were his?

Gretchen: What was Mr. Zuckerberg's ownership share diluted down to?

Eduardo Saverin: It wasn't.

Gretchen: What was Mr. Moskovitz's ownership share diluted down to?

Eduardo Saverin: It wasn't.

Gretchen: What was Sean Parker's ownership share diluted down to?

Eduardo Saverin: It wasn't.

Gretchen: What was Peter Thiel's ownership share diluted down to?

Eduardo Saverin: It wasn't.

Gretchen: And what was your ownership share diluted down to?

Eduardo Saverin: .03 percent.

Christy Lee: When did you get back?

Eduardo Saverin: You scared me. I need you to knock.

Christy Lee: [Sternly] When did you get back?

Eduardo Saverin: I got back this afternoon.

Christy Lee: And when were you going to call me?

Eduardo Saverin: Chris, it was kind of a rough trip and I was tired and...

Christy Lee: Or answer one of my 47 texts? Did you know I sent 47 texts?

Eduardo Saverin: I did, and I thought that was incredibly normal behavior.

Christy Lee: Are you mocking me?

Eduardo Saverin: I brought you a present.

Christy Lee: Why does your status say "single" on your Facebook page?

Eduardo Saverin: What?

Christy Lee: Why does your relationship status say "single" on your Facebook page?!

Eduardo Saverin: I was single when I set up the page.

Christy Lee: And you somehow never bothered to change it?

Eduardo Saverin: I –

Christy Lee: [looks at him sternly] What?

Eduardo Saverin: I don't know how.

Christy Lee: Do I look stupid to you?

Eduardo Saverin: No. Calm down.

Christy Lee: You're asking me to believe that the CFO of Facebook doesn't know how to change his relationship status on Facebook?!

Eduardo Saverin: It's a little embarrassing, so you should take it as a sign of trust that I would tell you that.

Christy Lee: Go to hell.

Eduardo Saverin: Take it easy.

Christy Lee: No! You didn't change it so you could screw those Silicon Valley sluts every time you got to see Mark!

Eduardo Saverin: [his cell phone rings] It's not even remotely true, and I can promise you that the Silicon Valley sluts don't care what anyone's relationship status is on Facebook. Please open your present.

Christy Lee: Your phone does work. It's Mark.

Eduardo Saverin: This is gonna be tricky. Please open your present. It's a silk scarf.

Christy Lee: Have you ever seen me wear a scarf?

Eduardo Saverin: [answering his cell phone] This will be your first. Yeah?

Mark Zuckerberg: You froze our account?

Eduardo Saverin: I did.

Mark Zuckerberg: You froze the account!

Eduardo Saverin: I had to get your attention, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: Do you realize that you jeopardized the entire company? Do you realize that your actions could have permanently destroyed everything I've been working on?

Eduardo Saverin: We have been working on!

Mark Zuckerberg: [speaking frantically, almost hysterical] Without money, the site can't function. Okay, let me tell you the difference between Facebook and everyone else: we don't crash, ever! If those servers are down for even a day, our entire reputation is irreversibly destroyed! Users are fickle, Friendster has proved that. Even a few people leaving would reverberate through the entire userbase. The users are interconnected, that is the whole point. College kids are online because their friends are online, and if one domino goes, the other dominoes go, don't you get that?! I am not going back to the Caribbean Night at AEPi!

Eduardo Saverin: [About Sean Parker] I don't want that guy representing himself as a part of this company.

Mark Zuckerberg: You gotta move out here, Wardo; this is where its all happening.

Eduardo Saverin: Did you hear what I just said?

Mark Zuckerberg: The connections, the energy--

Eduardo Saverin: Mark, you gotta--

Mark Zuckerberg: [Interrupting; Embarrassed] I'm afraid if you don't come out here, you're gonna get left behind. I want... I need you out here. Please don't tell him {Sean} I said that.

Eduardo Saverin: What did you just say?

Mark Zuckerberg: It's moving faster than any of us ever imagined it would. It's moving fast.

Eduardo Saverin: What did you mean?

Mark Zuckerberg: And Sean thinks we have...

Eduardo Saverin: [Interrupting] Sean's not a part of this company.

Mark Zuckerberg: We have over 300,000 members Wardo...

Eduardo Saverin: I'm aware of that.

Mark Zuckerberg: ...and we're in 160 schools, including five in Europe.

Eduardo Saverin: [Getting angry] I'm aware of that! MARK, I'M THE CFO!!

Mark Zuckerberg: We need more programmers, and we need more money, and he's set up the Thiel meeting. He set up meetings all over town.

Eduardo Saverin: He set up other meetings?

Mark Zuckerberg: Yes.

Eduardo Saverin: Without me knowing anything about it?

Mark Zuckerberg: [Irritated] You were in New York!

Eduardo Saverin: [Angry again] I'M IN NEW YORK, RIDING SUBWAYS 14 HOURS A DAY, TRYING TO FIND ADVERTISERS!!

Mark Zuckerberg: Yeah, and how's it going so far?!

Eduardo Saverin: What did you mean, "get left behind"?

Gretchen: Eighteen thousand dollars?

Eduardo Saverin: Yes.

Gretchen: In addition to the one thousand dollars you'd already put up.

Eduardo Saverin: Yes.

Gretchen: A total of nineteen thousand dollars, now.

Eduardo Saverin: Yes.

Mark Zuckerberg: Hang on.

Mark Zuckerberg: [sarcastic pause] I'm just checking your math on that. Yes, I got the same thing.

Eduardo Saverin: You don't think it's strange that he {Sean} was followed by private detectives?

Mark Zuckerberg: Who came up with nothing.

Eduardo Saverin: Enough to get him out of the company. The drugs, the girls.

Mark Zuckerberg: We don't know any of that's true.

Eduardo Saverin: You can read about it.

Mark Zuckerberg: I can read about you torturing birds. Since when did you--

Eduardo Saverin: [Livid] OK, DON'T FISH EAT OTHER FISH?! THE MARLINS AND THE TROUT?!!

Dustin Moskovitz: What's he talking about?

Mark Zuckerberg: I went to my friend for the money because that's who I wanted to be partners with. Eduardo was the president of the Harvard Investors Association, and he was also my best friend.

Gage: Your best friend is suing you for $600 million.

Mark Zuckerberg: [Sarcastically] I didn't know that, tell me more.

Gage: Mr. Zuckerberg, do I have your full attention?

Mark Zuckerberg: [stares out the window] No.

Gage: Do you think I deserve it?

Mark Zuckerberg: [looks at the lawyer] What?

Gage: Do you think I deserve your full attention?

Mark Zuckerberg: I had to swear an oath before we began this deposition, and I don't want to perjure myself, so I have a legal obligation to say no.

Gage: Okay – no. You don't think I deserve your attention.

Mark Zuckerberg: [pauses] I think if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it a try, but there's no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention – you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing. Did I adequately answer your condescending question?

Mark Zuckerberg: Erica Albright's a bitch. Do you think that's because her family changed their name from Albrecht, or do you think that's because all BU girls are bitches? For the record, she may look like a 34C, but she's getting all kinds of help from our friends at Victoria's Secret. She's a 34B as in barely anything there. False Advertising.

Mark Zuckerberg: You know, you really don't need a forensics team to get to the bottom of this. If you guys were the inventors of Facebook, you'd have invented Facebook.

Mark Zuckerberg: A guy who makes a nice chair doesn't owe money to everyone who has ever built a chair.

Clark Kent: Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne! Clark Kent, Daily Planet.

Bruce Wayne: Oh, my foundation has already issued a statement in support of– books.

Clark Kent: Sir?

Bruce Wayne: [''Gazing at Diana Prince''] Wow! Pretty girl – bad habit. Don't quote me, alright?

Clark Kent: What's your position on the bat vigilante in Gotham?

Bruce Wayne: Daily Planet"– Wait, do I own this one? Or was that the other guy?

Clark Kent: Civil liberties are being trampled on in your city; good people living in fear.

Bruce Wayne: Don't believe everything you hear, son.

Clark Kent: I've seen it, Mr. Wayne. He thinks he's above the law.

Bruce Wayne: The Daily Planet criticizing those who think they're above the law is a little hypocritical, wouldn't you say? Considering every time your hero saves a cat out of a tree, you write a puff-piece editorial about an alien who – if he wanted to, could burn the whole place down. There wouldn't be a damn thing we can do to stop it.

Clark Kent: Most of the world doesn't share your opinion, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne: [[w:Joker (comics)|freaks dressed like clowns] Maybe it's that Gotham City in me. We just have a bad history with ].

Lex Luthor: [Shakes Bruce's hand] Boys! Mmm, Bruce Wayne meets Clark Kent. Ah, I love it! I love bringing people together! How are we? Hi, hello.

Bruce Wayne: Lex.

Lex Luthor: [''Shakes Clark's hand''] Lex. It is a pleasure– Ow! Wow! That is a good grip! You should not pick a fight with this person!

Lex Luthor: [''She turns and walks away''] Do you know the oldest lie in America, Senator? It's that power can be innocent. Good luck!

Lex Luthor: [''To June before testifying before a Congressional hearing''] You are going to be on the hot seat in there, Junebug!

Lex Luthor: [''Nicky announces Lex's presence at benefit gala''; ''Gets on stage''; ''Diana turns to look at Bruce''; ''Bruce walks away''; [wikt:philanthropist|philanthropist; [w:Greek language|the Greek; ''Alfred gives Bruce instructions of direction''; [w:Prometheus|Prometheus; [w:Zeus|Zeus'; ''Diane stares unimpressed''; [w:Scientia potentia est|Books are knowledge and knowledge is power; ''sheepishly chuckles''; ''sheepishly chuckles''; ''Benefit gala guests start applauding''] Me? Ah. Okay. Nicky. Uh... you're embarrassing me. Um... speech, speech. Blah, blah, blah. Uh... open bar. The end. Uh... the word "]" comes from ]. Meaning a lover of humanity. It was coined about 2,500 years ago. Gods and men. ] went with us. And he ruined ] plan to destroy mankind, and for that, he was given a thunderbolt, boom! But on a serious note, the Library of Metropolis. But at one time, Dad could not buy them. No. My father could not afford books growing up. He had to root through the garbage for yesterday's newspaper. ], and I am... No. Uh, um... no. What am I? I... what was I saying? No. The bittersweet pain among men is having knowledge with no power, because... because that is paradoxical! And, um... Thank you for coming. Please drink! Drink!

Lex Luthor: See, what we call God depends upon our tribe, Clark Joe, cause God is tribal; God takes sides! No man in the sky intervened when I was a boy to deliver me from daddy's fist and abominations. I figured out way back if God is all-powerful, He cannot be all-good. And if He is all-good, then He cannot be all-powerful. And neither can you be.

Lex Luthor: [''To June''; ''Points to painting''] You don't think Dad would mind, do you? If I just... changed one thing in this room? Because that should be upside-down. We know better now, don't we? The devils don't come from hell beneath us. No. No, they come from the sky.

Lex Luthor: [''To June over announcing blocking his license to mineral access''; [w:Paul Revere|The redcapes are coming.; [w:Red tape|The redcapes are coming.; ''Sits on table near her and starts drumming table underside''; ''June stops his drumming''] ] ] Hmm. You and your hearings. Galloping through the streets to warn us. One if by land, two if by air. Hmm. Do you know the oldest lie in America, June? Can I call you June?

Lex Luthor: [''To June entering his quarters''; [w:bourbon|bourbon; ''June subtlety declines''] A little ] before lunch? No bourbon?! Kentucky girl like yourself?! Hmm. My dad always said that Kentucky mash was the secret to health. Hmm. This was his room. I kept it just the same. Hmm. "Maybe one day Dad'll come back if I just keep everything the same". Hmm-mm. That is silly. The magical thinking of orphan boys.