Memorable Quotes from John Ritter

4 quotes

Bad Santa

Misunderstandings About Health and Behavior

Marcus It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.

Willie That's right. I forgot to take my pill.

Bob Chipeska It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...

Willie Fornicate?

Bob Chipeska Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?

Willie Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.

Bob Chipeska Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...

Marcus If we what?

Bob Chipeska Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.

Willie Before you do something stupid, you might want to think about this shit.

Bob Chipeska What are you talking about?

Willie I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?

Bob Chipeska Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.

Willie You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".

Marcus Who the hell is "us people"?

Bob Chipeska No...he said...I...you don't under-- what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.

Willie Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.

Willie You're pathetic.

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Sling Blade

Simple Thoughts on Everyday Needs

Vaughan Cunningham You seem like a thinker, you know. You seem to always be deep in thought. Okay, tell me something. What are you thinking right now?

Karl Childers I was thinking um, I'm gonna take some of these potaters home with me.

Vaughan Oh. How about before that?

Karl Let me think, mmm. Before that I was thinking I could use me another six or eight cans of that potted meat if you got any extra, mmm.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bad Santa

Adult and Child Worlds Acknowledged

Gin Fuck stick"?

[smoking a cigarette in his office]

Bob Chipeska Yeah, I know it's odd, but as our security manager, I want you to be well aware of this. His little friend promised he won't say it in front of the children, which is fine. There is an adult's world and a child's world, and that's OK. I'm no censor.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Bad Santa

Conflict Over Santa's Replacement

Bob Chipeska Harrison, will you let me explain, please? Financially--

Fired Santa Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska. Five Christmases I've been here, and no what. Now you flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and happens to work with a real midget. Well, let me tell you something, though: nobody cares! Nobody comes for the elf. Santa's main attraction. I do Burl Ives songs. Does this schmoe even play guitar?

Bob Chipeska Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget. Believe me, if it was-- I don't think they like midget. I think you're supposed to call them--

Fired Santa Oh, just forget it! Hacks!

[Walks away as Willie and Marcus enters the store, then yells to them]

Bob Chipeska Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resumè, by the way.

[to Marcus and Willie]

Marcus Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.

Bob Chipeska I'm so glad you two can come at such a short notice. You two are perfect for this job, truly.

Bob Chipeska So, I don't want his unpleasantness affect your performance in any way.

Marcus Oh, no, we--

Willie Performance?

Bob Chipeska Yes. Your performance. You know, the...

Willie Performance, like, sexual?

Bob Chipeska Excuse me?