Memorable Quotes from Jon Lovitz
18 quotesAdvice on approaching someone you're interested in
Scotty Brennen
See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
Josh
Well, I'll stay away from her, then.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dividing Shares Amongst Friends
Benny
You know what I say? She gets a share, but not a full share.
Tommy
I'd go for that. Yeah.
Denny
Yeah, what if we each get a fourth and she gets, like, a third?
Benny
What are you? Nuts? Then she'd be getting more than us!
Denny
How do you figure?
Benny
Where are you gonna get four fourths and a third? Can't you add?
Denny
I don't do fractions, all right?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Commentary on Attitudes of Certain Individuals
Randy Pear
They're always pissed, honey. They're Nazis, it's like it's their job.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nerds Will Come If You Build It
Mel
If you build it, nerds will come.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider Appears in Scene
Clark
This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
Mel
It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.
[Mel activates the car with his watch]
K.I.T.T
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
Richie
Who are you?
[to Mel]
Mel
Oh, I'm just once of those nerds who grew up...to make billions.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Insult from Mel
Mel
Howie, you're a pp.
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A Playful Exchange About Sleeping Habits
Becker
Do you sleep in the nude?
Miss Destiny Demeanor
Only when I'm naked
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussing Plans for a Flower Shop
Ray
What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?
Benny
Burn it down.
Ray
What do you mean, "burn it down"? You're still burning stuff down for insurance?
Benny
I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Clarifying the Concept of Nothing
Becker
What? I don't know nothin'. I didn't see nothin'. I ain't say nothin'.
Sgt. Wes Luger
Nothing, the word is nothing, not nothin'. There's an i-n-g on the end of it. Nothing.
Becker
Ok, nothing. Nothiiing. Nothiiiiiiiiiiing. Ok, you happy?
Sgt. Wes Luger
That's better.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rejection of Home Depot Employment
Randy Pear
I do NOT want to work at Home Depot!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Plans for returning the vehicle and Vegas
Randy Pear
You drink these up, then we're gonna return the Nazi-mobile. And then we'll get the van fixed and we'll go back to Vegas and see ]! Yay!
[[w:David Copperfield|David Copperfield]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mel's Humorous Take on Finances
Mel
Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Sanity Over a Car Situation
Randy Pear
Are you insane?! This is ]'s car!
[[Hitler; the bikers continue to attack the car and force it off the road, causing it to crash into a Veterans' gathering. Randy's philtrum collides with the wheel and smears itself with its paint, making it look like Randy has Hitler's mustache, much to the shock of the veterans]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Political Fame and Its Consequences
News Reporter
Arthur Belt, the rising politician who drafted the bill...
Arthur Belt
Wait! They were talking about me!
[Winchell shuts off the TV]
Winchell
Relax, Arthur, pretty soon you'll be hearing your name so much even YOU will be sick of it.
Arthur Belt
I highly doubt it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Childhood Bullying and Humorous Mishaps
Gus
Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?
[to Nelson]
Mel
Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
Nelson
I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
Clark
When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
Nelson
His son just did that to me last week!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgent Call to Action Amidst Chaos
Randy Pear
Bev, Bev, wake... Come on. Wake up. Wake up. Bev, wake up. Wake up. Third Reich's here. Come on. Get down. You wanna have a nice life. Okay, okay. Think. Think. SS in the parking lot.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unconventional Expression of Affection
Randy Pear
Hi! I really like you dike- bike.
[to the biker; his tongue slips; he tries to laugh it off, but the biker whistles behind her, and several other bikers appear, ready to attack]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversations About Relationships and Personal Lives
Mel
Now, Richie, do you have any kids?
Richie
Never had a date.
Mel
Clark?
Clark
Never spoke to a girl.
Mel
Gu... Gus?
[Pauses a bit, realizing that what Clark said was weird]
Gus
Uh, my wife and I are kind of working on it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.