Kevin KlineQuotes

Ben Hood: [Janey hands drink to Ben] Thanks. You having one?

Janey Carver: In a bit.

Ben Hood: [he leans his head onto Janey; he starts unbuttoning his shirt; he takes his shirt off] You know, I think Elena might suspect something. Maybe, it's all for the better, you know? Yesterday at dinner, she - Well, she didn't say anything. Has she acted funny to you? Have you noticed anything?

Janey Carver: Have I noticed anything?

Ben Hood: Mmm.

Janey Carver: I'm not married to her, Benjamin. You are. I think you've probably a better vantage point from which to observe her.

Ben Hood: Yeah, but... I've been working a lot lately and - No, that's not it. I... I guess maybe we're just on the verge of... saying something. Saying something to each other. On the verge.

Ben Hood: We were golfing. You know, golfing, to me, is something I'm supposed to enjoy. And I was on the goddamn golf team in college, so it's something one would assume I'd do well. I used to do well. But basically, these days, golfing for me is like hoeing... or plowing. It's like farming. And George Clair has obviously, in the mere two years since he's been with the firm, he's obviously been taking secret lessons with a golf pro. And I bet the entirety of his disposable income has been dedicated to humiliating me on the golf course. That guy talks nonstop throughout the entirety of the misery of the miserable 18 holes...

Janey Carver: Ben.

Ben Hood: On topics that are the supposed domain of my department.

Janey Carver: Ben.

Ben Hood: Yeah?

Janey Carver: You're boring me. I have a husband. I don't particularly feel the need for another.

Ben Hood: You have a point there. That's a very good point. We're having an affair. Right. An explicitly sexual relationship. Your needs, my needs. You're absolutely right.

Janey Carver: You better get dressed. The boys will be home soon.

Ben Hood: Gotcha.

Wendy Hood: [[w:Manifest Destiny|kill all the Indians and steal their tribal lands; [w:Napalm|napalmed] Dear Lord, thank you for this Thanksgiving holiday. And for all the material possessions we have and enjoy. And for letting us white people ]. And stuff ourselves like pigs, even though children in Asia are being ].

Ben Hood: Jesus! Enough, alright? Paul… roll?

Ben Hood: Well, that's the whole point of the holidays, Paul. So you and your sister can mope around the house, and your mother and I can wait on your hand and foot, while the two of you occasionally grunt for more food from behind the hair in your faces. Believe it or not, we actually enjoy it.

Ben Hood: [to Paul] On the self-abuse front - and this is important - I don't think it's advisable to do it in the shower. It wastes water and electricity and because we all expect you to be doing it there in any case. And, not on... under the linen... Well... Anyway, if you're worried about anything at all, just feel free to ask and we'll look it up.

Ben Hood: [to Elena] The only big fight we've had in years is about whether to go back into couples therapy.

The Pirate King: With base deceit, you played upon our feelings; / Revenge is sweet, and flavors all our dealings. / With courage rare, and resolution manly, / For death prepare, unhappy General Stanley!

Frederic: Oh, HORROR!

The Pirate King: What's the matter?

Frederic: Ought I tell you? No, no I cannot! And yet as one of your band -

Pirate King: Speak out! I-CHARGE-YOU-BY-THAT-SENSE-OF-CONSCIENTIOUSNESS-TO-WHICH-WE-HAVE-NEVER-YET-APPEALED-IN-VAIN!

Pirate King: Yeah.

Samuel: For he is a Major General!

Daughters: He is, hurrah for the Major General!

Major General Stanley: And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Major General.

All, in chorus: Hurrah for the Major General, hurrah for the Major General!

The Pirate King: (annoyed, muttering) That's the same as the "Pirate King" tune!

Major General Stanley: Now that I have introduced myself, I should like to know what's going on here!

Kate Stanley: Oh, Papa, we —

Samuel: I can explain in two words: we propose to marry your daughters.

Gen. Stanley: But-but... who are you?

The Pirate King: We are all single gentlemen.

Kate: Don't believe them, Papa! They're pirates — the famous Pirates of Penzance!

Gen. Stanley: Mmm, wait a moment... I object to pirates as sons-in-law!

Pirate King: Well, we object to major generals as fathers-in law! But we waive the point. We do not press it. We look over it.

The Pirate King: Oh, better far to live and die / Under the brave black flag I fly, / Than play a sanctimonious part / With a pirate head and a pirate heart. / Away to the cheating world go you, / Where pirates all are well-to-do; / But I'll be true to the song I sing, / And live and die a Pirate King. / For I am a Pirate King! / And it is, it is a glorious thing / To be a Pirate King!

Frederic: You make it a point of never attacking a weaker party than yourselves, and when you attack a stronger one you invariably get thrashed!

The Pirate King: (holding up a finger) There's some truth in that.

Donald Woods: Do you know anyone we can trust, who has a car?

Tenjy: I trust me! And I have a car! The Boers will shit themselves!

Simon: [as Mack and Simon and their wives and families look at the Grand Canyon] So what do you think?

Mack: I think it's not all bad.

Dee: You've denied me in every way you can. Everything I've wanted, you've denied me.

Mack: I've been honest all along. Even that night.

Dee: Who gives a shit? Don't you see what you do? Even now, you wanna deny me what's rightfully mine.

Mack: Which is?

Dee: To resent the hell outta you. To feel totally rejected and hated. To hate you for doing it to me. There are good men out there who are gonna treat me like I'm the very thing they want. And then you do that thing with Jane.

Mack: What?

Dee: You know, with that guy, that tow-truck guy.

Mack: What about it? What's that got to do with anything?

Dee: You don't even know, do you? You don't even know why that hurts me so much. Jane's in love. She thinks this could be the one.

Mack: Is that bad? I thought she was your friend.

Dee: She is my friend. I'm very happy for her, but it makes me feel like shit... that you're out there finding her the love of her life and I'm here like what? I'm here like shit. How do you think that's gonna make me feel?

Mack: Dee, I understand you're angry with me, but why would...?

Dee: Forget it. It doesn't have to make sense.

Mack: He's kinda lonely, but he seems peaceful about it.

Jane: That would be nice.

Dee: Ya know, it would be great if you could sort of be down about things, but still be alright with it. Like, finally accept that fact that you're gonna feel bad most of the time and not fight it.

Mack: Of course, it would also be nice not to feel bad most of the time.

Dee: Yeah, but that's how you get yourself in trouble. By thinking how nice it'd be to be happy more.

Howard Brackett: I just came out! At my wedding!

Howard Brackett: This is my Peter - uh, my friend Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!

Howard Brackett: Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.

Tom Snout: [Puck has turned Bottom into a Donkey] Bottom, thou art changed. What do I see on thee?

Nick Bottom: What do you see? What; do you see an ass head of your own, do you?

Peter Quince: [backing away] Bless me. Thou art translated.

Nick Bottom: Why do they run away? I see their knavery. This is to make an ass of me.

Nick Bottom: Since lion vile hath here deflowered my dear...

Peter Quince: DEVOURED.

Nick Bottom: I have had a most rare vision.I have had a dream.Past the wit of man to say what dream it was.Man is but an ass if he go about to expound this dream.Methought I was...There's no man can tell what.Methought I was...Methought I had...Man is but a patched fool is he will offer to say what I had.

Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up] WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

Jeffrey Anderson: I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage, delighted] This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!

Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!

Ariel Maloney: A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

Rose Schwartz: [German accent] Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigation, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead. Because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.

Rose Schwartz: [normal voice] Hello.

Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage] She's a boy!

David Barnes: [starts gagging] Yeah, well we knew that.

Edmund Edwards: Are you okay?

David Barnes: [weak voice] I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.

Lori Craven: MOTHER!

Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!

Burton White: [off stage] She spoke?

Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!

Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...

Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!

Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?

Jeffrey Anderson: The test results have come back.

Celeste Talbert: And?

Jeffrey Anderson: [pause] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

Burton White: What the hell?

David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!

Celeste Talbert: Brain fever!

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall; they both goggle at the word] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

Celeste Talbert: Literally explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: Exactly, within the next three houses.

Celeste Talbert: Hours?

Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

Celeste Talbert: Restaurant?

Jeffrey Anderson: Restaurant, yes.

Celeste Talbert: Her brain will actually explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I can kiss her!

Lori Craven: This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

Celeste Talbert: No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

Jeffrey Anderson: Why because she's your niece?

Celeste Talbert: [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

Lori Craven: What?

Jeffrey Anderson: What are you talking about?

Celeste Talbert: [sobbing] We're her parents! You and I! We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

Ariel Maloney: New boy in town?

Jeffrey Anderson: Just got off the choo-choo... you have beautiful eyes.

Ariel Maloney: They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime.

William Hundert: I should have known Ellerby was conducting a cloak & dagger behind the scenes campaign for years to take the top spot. He is godfather to children of two different trustees, for crying out loud.

Elizabeth Hundert: [Hunderts toast] Here is to Saint Benedict's, and your unexpected retirement. Now that that chapter is over in our lives, any future plans?

William Hundert: I have always wanted to go into my father's line of work; to write. I have a good idea for a fictional book about the rise of the Roman Republic.

Elizabeth Hundert: James Ellerby is on the phone.

James Ellerby: The merger a few years back made him CEO of one of the foremost conglomerates in America.

William Hundert: What does that have to do with this meeting?

James Ellerby: The library is badly in need of repairs. Sedgewick Bell's company has offered to build a new multimillion dollar library, entirely paid by Sedgewick, to be named in honor of his late father. However, that is contingent on one condition: that he have a reunion of your 1972 fall class with you hosting a rematch of the Mr. Julius Caesar competition.

William Hundert: Why now?

James Ellerby: He claims he wants to regain his honor and display his knowledge after all this time. If this library is built it would be the largest donation in the history of the school.

William Hundert: And a retired classics teacher with no fundraising experience is the linchpin in all this?

James Ellerby: Amazing how the wheel turns, William.

James Ellerby: [narrating] Bell Industries owns a 5-star resort on the Gold Coast. You and all your students will be put up there.

Miss Johnston: We have debated long and hard about taking you out of your classroom.

Mr. Castle: As you know, a headmaster's job is a rigorous one. One must be prepared to do battle 24 hours a day, sometimes it can feel like more.

William Hundert: Well, after rowing the lake every day for the past seven presidential administrations, with exceptions to inclement weather of course, I feel fit enough.

Miss Johnston: Mr. Hundert, what we are saying is this. What kind of fundraising experience do you have?

William Hundert: What are you getting at?

Miss Johnston: This is hard fact about Saint Benedict's. Enrollment is down. In light of what has happened recently, attendance at the military academies have spiked, and families are considering schools like Saint Benedict's as too old fashioned in this day and age. We need to stop doing outmoded ideas and look to the future. So..

William Hundert: Then who? Someone from the outside?

Mr. Castle: James Ellerby. Mr. Ellerby has proposed some very exciting fundraising possibilities.

William Hundert: Miss Johnston, I've been assistant headmaster for 17 years. I fail to see how Mr. Ellerby's qualifications as a fundraiser...

Miss Johnston: It's not just about fundraising. James Ellerby is a forward-thinking man. He's reached out to the community. He's built relationships to some of the most important alumni. He's a wonderful communicator, with impeccable moral standing and an unwavering commitment to this school. So...

William Hundert: Then you leave me no choice but to tender my resignation.

Mr. Castle: I would ask you not. You are a teacher, and the finest one we've ever had.

William Hundert: Please excuse me.

Mr. Castle: Please understand, Mr. Hundert, you will be welcome back here at Saint Benedict's anytime. The door will forever be open.

Mr. Hundert: That was quite an interesting performance.

Sedgewick Bell: [sullen] I knew you saw. How come you did not call me out?

Mr. Hundert: It is a complicated matter.

Sedgewick Bell: Was it on account of my father?

Mr. Hundert: That had nothing to do with your father.

Sedgewick Bell: Sure, Mr. Hundert, sure.

Mr. Ellerby: William! Quite the performance! You know, I was thinking we could move the Mr. Julius Caesar competition to Alumni Weekend, instead of just any old day. That way we could have some former winners see the competition. Just some ideas which would auger well for your headmastership.

Mr. Hundert: Sedgewick Bell cheated.

Mr. Ellerby: [inside office, where Hundert reveals the confrontation] What?! Well, the pressure to succeed can be oppressive. Whether we think it was wrong or right, Woodbridge felt it in the school's best interest to give Sedgewick a pass. I mean, William, you did not put the boy on stage. He got that far on his own. And for that, you should be praised.

William Hundert: [as narrator; Scenes show Sedgewick dumping water on other students or vandalizing the Julius Caesar statue] This began a long and rocky truce with Sedgewick Bell. Any trust we had in each other was snuffed out, as was any consideration by him with integrity and diligence. The subsequent years showed a series of pranks, crudeness and disrespect in general. As for the other students, his effect on them was almost hypnotic. He went through the motions in his classes, and his grades were an avalanche of C-s, Ds & Fs.

Mr. Woodbridge: Sedgewick Hiram Bell!

William Hundert: [as narrator] Although his father's connections and status guaranteed him a place at Yale, it was in the spring of 1976 with a sense of profound sadness that I handed Sedgewick Bell his diploma.

William Hundert: I met with your father.

Sedgewick Bell: So I have been told. He called me up and we had a real heart-to-heart.

William Hundert: I am giving you this.

Sedgewick Bell: What is it?

William Hundert: It is my textbook on classics when I was a high school student. Study Chapter 2. It has most of the material on tomorrow's quiz.

Sedgewick Bell: What for?

William Hundert: In preparation for the Mr. Julius Caesar competition. Sedgewick, I am giving you my book because I believe in you. You can be the top of your class if you wanted to be. It is up to you.

William Hundert: That is why I am here Senator, I have come to see you about your son.

Senator Hiram Bell: Sedgewick? Oh Jesus, what the devil has he done now?

William Hundert: Sir, Sedgewick is seemingly not paying attention in class, nor is he doing the assigned reading.

Senator Hiram Bell: Let me ask you something. What is the good of what you are teaching these boys?

William Hundert: The good?

Senator Hiram Bell: Yes, the good.

William Hundert: [[Plato; [Aristotle; [Cicero; [Julius Caesar] Senator, the Greeks and the Romans provided the model of democracy which, I do not need to tell you, the Framers of our Constitution used as their inspiration. But more important, I believe that when the boys read ], ], ], ], they are put into direct contact with men who, in their own age, exemplify the highest standards of statesmanship, civic virtue, character and diction.

William Hundert: Sir, it's my job to mold your son's character...

William Hundert: Enter.

William Hundert: Mr. Bell.

Sedgewick Bell: Mr. Hundert.

William Hundert: Do you know why I called you in here?

Sedgewick Bell: Student of the Month?

William Hundert: Hardly.

William Hundert: I awarded you one point because you spelled your name correctly. Mr. Bell, I do not know what you think you are doing but this is unacceptable work. You must apply yourself...

William Hundert: Yes, I am unmarried. Now what does that have to do with anything you are talking about?

Sedgewick Bell: That is why you like making us wear dresses.

William Hundert: I have made arrangements to meet with your father. Is there anything you would like me to tell him for you?

William Hundert: Mr. Bell, will you please finish my diagram for the class?

Robert Brewster: Oh ho, busted!

William Hundert: Octavian was also known as Augustus and his title was ______? Sedgewick looks at the blackboard like a dog staring at its reflection in water Mr. Bell! An ordinary dung beetle traveling across the floor of this classroom would know the answer to that question!

Sedgewick Bell: Uh, Emperor?

William Hundert: Correct. Can you name any of the subsequent Roman Emperors? There were forty-one.

Sedgewick Bell: I only know seven.

William Hundert: Very well. Recite them.

Sedgewick Bell: Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, Doc, Happy, Sneezy...Dopey.

William Hundert: Can you, in fact, name any Emperor of Rome?

Sedgewick Bell: I know four. Let me see...

Sedgewick Bell: [faux-British accent] John, Paul, Ringo and uh, George!

William Hundert: [[Aristophanes] MR. BELL! A word of warning! As the great wit ] once wrote, loosely translated; "Youth ages. Immaturity is outgrown. Ignorance can be educated and drunkenness sobered, but STUPID lasts forever.

William Hundert: Class please recite, in chronological order, the entire line of succession for the Roman Empire.

Class: [in unison] Augustus, Tiberius, Caligula, Claudius, Nero, Galba, Otho, Vitellius, Vepasian, Titus, Domitian, Nerva, Trajan, Hadrian, Antonius Pius, Marcus Aurelius, Lucius Verus, Commodus, Pertinax, Didius Julianus, Septimius Severus...

William Hundert: Thank you, class, that will do. Mr. Bell, you may be seated.

William Hundert: [[Brutus] Let us be sacrificers, but not butchers. Your ] lacks conviction, Mr. Bell. You are aware of what you are saying, do you not? The fate of the Roman Republic is at stake!

William Hundert: [[Julius Caesar] Yes, I know not for you, but try to place yourself in the time period. You, Brutus, the noblest Roman of them all, are at the center of a conspiracy to assassinate ]! And you believe this is for the good of all Rome. But you are struggling profoundly with the moral and physical implications of what you are about to do.

Sedgewick Bell: I do not agree with their plan.

William Hundert: Brutus does not agree with their plan?

Sedgewick Bell: No, I do not agree with their plan. They should've killed Marc Antony, I mean... Brutus is a pussy.

Sedgewick Bell: In the end, Marc Antony ended up taking him down, right?

William Hundert: He and Octavian, yes. In a manner of speaking.

Sedgewick Bell: If he did what the other guy suggested, uh...uh...

William Hundert: ...Cassius.

Sedgewick Bell: ...yeah, that is it. If he did what Cassius recommended...Brutus might have gone on to become King!

William Hundert: Emperor, as a matter of fact. Which Brutus had no desire to be.

Sedgewick Bell: Whatever! He would have won!

William Hundert: [[Socrates] Yes, but at what cost? Do you remember the lessons of ]?

Sedgewick Bell: Not really.

William Hundert: It is not living that is important, but living properly. Socrates chose to die an unjust death, a death he freely accepted, rather than break the laws of Athens to which he pledged his loyalty!

Sedgewick Bell: Another genius.

James Ellerby: William!

William Hundert: Ellerby! How are things in the Latin Quarter?

James Ellerby: [Hands Mr. Hundert a book] Could not be better. I wanted to give you this for recommending me for the job. Now I know you probably already have one but this is a rare first edition. I found it in a marketplace in England.

Book: Ancient Rome by Douglas Hundert

William Hundert: So young when he wrote this...Well, thank you for your consideration.

William Hundert: And with the demise of the Roman Monarchy, two new forms of government vied to take power in Rome. One was?

Martin Blythe: Republic?

William Hundert: Correct. Republic, or the rule of law, was the one that ultimately succeeded the monarchy. The other was?

Robert Brewster: Tyranny?

William Hundert: In spirit, perhaps, but etymologically, no. What was it?

Deepak Mehta: Oligarchy?

William Hundert: Correct. Oligarchy, or the rule of a few. Tyranny is what we have here in this classroom, and it works.

William Hundert: Excuse me?

Louis Masoudi: Huh? What me?

William Hundert: Yes, sir. What is your name?

Louis Masoudi: Uh, Louis.

William Hundert: Just Louis?

Louis Masoudi: Louis Masoudi, sir.

William Hundert: Mr. Masoudi, could you define the word "path" for me?

Louis Masoudi: Well, there are several definitions, I suppose.

William Hundert: Would "a route along which someone or something moves" be among them?

Louis Masoudi: Yeah. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah. I'm s-sorry, sir.

William Hundert: Follow the path, Mr. Masoudi. Walk where the great men before you have walked.

Louis Masoudi: Yes, sir. It's, uh - It's better for the grass.

William Hundert: It's better for you.

William Hundert: I'm a teacher, Sedgewick. And I failed you - as a teacher. But I will give you one last lecture, if I may. All of us, at some point, are forced to look at ourselves in the mirror, and see who we really are. And when that day comes for you, Sedgewick, you will be confronted with a life lived without virtue, without principle. And for that I pity you. End of lesson.

William Hundert: Great ambition and conquest without contribution is without significance. What will your contribution be? How will history remember you?

William Hundert: However much we stumble, it is a teacher's burden always to hope, that with learning, a boy's character might be changed. And, so, the destiny of a man.

William Hundert: The worth of a life is not determined by a single failure or a solitary success.

William Hundert: According to Heraclitus, we cannot step into the same river twice. To put it another way, an opportunity lost stays lost forever. While I agree with the spirit of that saying, I have found that the world does allow for some second chances. When Elizabeth's marriage had ended and she returned from England, the waters were still as swimmingly lovely as when we first met. But if time made concessions for love, it made none for death. And when the school's beloved headmaster, Terrence Woodbridge, passed away, I found a sense of profound sorrow. Although the Sedgewick Bell affair tested our friendship, he had been, for a half a century, the academic and moral compass of our school. A role, that was now mine to fulfill.

William Hundert: As I've gotten older, I realize I'm certain of only two things. Days that begin with rowing on a lake are better than days that do not. Second, a man's character is his fate. And as a student of history, I find this hard to refute. For most of us our stories can be written long before we die. There are exceptions among the great men of history, but they are rare, and I am not one of them. I am a teacher - simply that. I taught for 34 years. One day I stopped teaching. Those were the facts of my life's chronicle. The last chapter had been written. My book was closed.

Ken: What's h-happening?

Otto: Well, Ken. I'm going to ask you a series of questions while I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the Superman in Thus Spake Zarathustra?

Ken: (dumbstruck)

Otto: No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. (sticks his chips up Ken's right nostril) Friedrich Nietzsche! Next. In which book did Nietzsche claim that all almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?

Ken: (opens mouth)

Otto: Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?

Ken: You're m-m-mad.

Otto: (sticks a chip up Ken's other nostril) Beyond Good and Evil! Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.

Ken: I'm n-n-n...

Otto: [Dipping into the fish tank with a net; Eats the fish] No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. Delicious!

Ken: You b-b-b...

Otto: [Eats the fish] Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.

Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie: Winners?

Otto: Yeah, winners.

Archie: [[w:North Vietnam|North Vietnam] Winners, like... ]?

Otto: [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam] Shut up! We did not lose ]! It was a tie!

Archie: [Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin you, baby, they kicked your little ass there! Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!

Otto: No they didn't!!

Archie: Oh yes they did!

Otto: Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.

Archie: Gonna shoot me Otto?

Otto: Er Yes. Yes fraid so old chap sorry.

Wanda: But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto: [superior smile] Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Now let me correct you on a couple things, okay? Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked em up. Now. You have just assaulted the one man who can keep you out of jail and make you rich. So what are you going to do about it, huh? What would... an intellectual do? What would Plato do?

Otto: [mumbles] Apologize.

Wanda: Pardon me?

Otto: [mumbles] Apologize.

Wanda: What?

Otto: Apologize! I'm sorry.

Wanda: No. Not to me. To Archie. And make it good, or we're dead.

Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.

Otto: You're really sorry?

Archie: I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.

Otto: You take it back?

Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto: [thinks a moment] Okay.

Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

Otto: You're the vulgarian, you fuck!

Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjensenjen, and I happen to know perfectly well that you do not keep the general public informed when you are debriefing a KGB defector in a safe house.

Otto: Oh you don't?

Wendy: Not unless you're congenitally insane or irretrievably stupid, no.

Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wendy: Why on Earth not?

Otto: [to Wanda about Archie] When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?

Otto: You really like animals, don't you, Ken? What's the attraction?

Ken: B-b-b-because you c-c-an trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh-

Otto: Shit on you?

Ken: ... Shove off all the t-t-t-time.

Otto: Oh look, it's K-K-Ken! C-C-Coming to k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-catch me, K-K-Ken?

Otto: [repeated] Don't call me stupid.

Otto: You English! You think you're so superior, don't you? Well you're the filth of the planet! A bunch of pompous, badly dressed, poverty stricken, sexually repressed football hooligans!

Otto: [On finding George has moved the jewels, forestalling his and Wanda's attempted double-cross] Okay...Okay... DISAPPOINTED!!! Son of a bitch! What do you have to do in this life to make people trust you?!?!...People are always takin advantage of me.

Otto: Oh you English are SO superior aren't you? Well, would you like to know where you'd be without US the good old U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's where! So DON'T call me stupid, lady. Just THANK me! ...If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German, singing, "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Without you, I would be nothing!

Dreyfus: Perhaps you still are.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ha! Excellent verbal joust, inspector! We must do lunch sometime. Had it not been for you, who knows? Someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.

Dreyfus: [''Grumbling as Clouseau gets in the car''; ''Looks down''] Yes, I know. Idiot. Oh no.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What? What did you say?

Ponton: Nothing.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?

Ponton: No.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus: CLOUSEAU!

George Monroe: The game was to make me smaller than he was; smaller always smaller. No matter what. He could be almost invisible as a human being, but I still had to be smaller. So if I got good grades in school then I was a pussy for not playing football. If I cut my hair for him it was never short enough, or if I shaved my head then I looked like a psycho. I never won the game, ever. And if he couldn't make me smaller with words...

George Monroe: Do I still love you? Absolutely. There is not a doubt in my mind. Through all my mind, my ego... I was always faithful in my love for you. That I made you doubt it, that is the great mistake of a life full of mistakes. The truth doesn't set us free, Robin. I can tell you I love you as many times as you can stand to hear it and all that does, the only thing, is remind us... that love is not enough. Not even close.

George Monroe: I always thought of myself as a house. I was always what I lived in. It didn't need to be big. It didn't even need to be beautiful. It just needed to be mine. I became what I was meant to be. I built myself a life. I built myself a house.

George Monroe: You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me.

George Monroe: I put a gun to my father's head once. Ever think like that? He was passed out. Had just been yelling at my mom over nothing. Under-cooked meat. I went to my room, I held the barrel right up to his ear, and then I chickened out again. Of course it was a BB gun but still it would have hurt like hell.

George Monroe: Twenty-five years ago, my father crossed a double line. Changed my life, and the life of a little girl forever for that mistake. I just cant's stop thinking about her. With every crash of every wave I hear something now. I never listened before. I'm on the edge of a cliff, listening. Almost finished. If you were a house Sam, this is where you'd want to be build. On rock, facing the sea, listening, listening.

Gaston: [to Maurice, as he's thrown in a carriage] Have you seen the inside of a mad house, Maurice? You wouldn't last a week. Just give me your daughter and I'll set you free.

Maurice: Never.

Gaston: Take him away!

Belle: [gets off of Phillippe and runs to Maurice in the carriage] STOP!! Papa!

Maurice: Oh, Belle! I thought I lost you.

Belle: [turns to D'Arque] Let him out! He's hurt!

D'Arque: We can't do that, miss, but we'll take very good care of him.

Belle: [turns to Gaston] My father's not crazy! Gaston, tell him!

Gaston: You know how loyal, I am your family. But your father's been making some unbelievable claims.

Monsieur Jean: It's true, Belle. He's been raving about a Beast in a castle.

Belle: I've just come from a castle, there is a Beast!

Gaston: You say anything to set him free. Your word is hardly proof!

Belle: [uses the magic mirror; the mirror shows the Beast roaring. She shows him to the townspeople, who recoil in fear] I want proof? Show me the Beast! There's my proof!

Gaston: [grabs the magic mirror; He shows the townspeople about the Beast] This is sorcery! Look at this Beast! LOOK AT HIS FANGS! HIS CLAWS!!

Belle: No. Don't be afraid! He's gentle and kind.

Gaston: [turns to Belle] The monster has her under his spell. If I didn't know better, I'd say she even cared for him!

Belle: [turns to the townspeople] He's NOT a monster, Gaston! BUT YOU!! The Beast wouldn't hurt anyone!

Gaston: I've heard of the effects of dark magic, but I've never before seen it with my own eyes! This is a threat to a very existence! We can't have her running off to warn the Beast! Lock her up, too.

Belle: No!

Tom: Come here!

Belle: NO!

Tom: Shut up.

Belle: You won't get away with this, Gaston!

Maurice: Oh, Belle!

LeFou: [grabs Gaston's arm] Gaston, with all due respect...

Gaston: [LeFou is shocked into silence; comes up to the carriage, to D'Arque; to the townspeople; the townspeople cheers] Do you want to be next? Fetch my horse. Stand guard. Don't let them escape! This creature will curse us all if we don't stop him! WELL, I SAY WE KILL THE BEAST!!!

Maurice: No. I'm sure this is the way. Do you hear those wolves? That means we're getting very close to the castle.

Gaston: Look, enough is enough. We have to turn back.

Maurice: Stop.

Maurice: [snaps his finger; gets off the cart] That's it. There it is. That's the tree. I'm sure of it. It-it was downed by lightning at the time. But now it's... resumed an upright position through some sort of... magic or other.

LeFou: [to Gaston] You really want to marry into this family?

Maurice: [motions falling tree with his arm] So that means that the... the castle is that - No. No, it's - That way. Definitely... that way.

Gaston: I am done playing this game of yours! Where is Belle?

Maurice: The Beast took her and she...

Gaston: There are no such things as beasts... or talking teacups... or magic! But there are wolves, frostbite, and starvation!

LeFou: [stands up] Deep breaths, Gaston. Deep breaths.

Gaston: [breathes deeply, then turns to Maurice] So, why don't we just turn around, go back to Villeneuve? I'm sure Belle is at home, cooking up a lovely dinner.

Maurice: If you think I've made all this up, then why did you offer to help?

Gaston: [calms down] Because, I want to marry your daughter! Now, let's go home.

Maurice: Belle is not at home! She is with the...

Gaston: [angrily grabs Maurice] You say "Beast" one more time, I WILL FEED YOU TO THE WOLVES!!!!!

LeFou: [tries to stop him] Gaston, stop it! Breathe, think of happy thoughts, go back to the war, blood, explosions, countless widows.

Gaston: Widows...

LeFou: [Gaston calms down and LeFou taps his nose] Yes, yes. That's it... That's it.

Gaston: [turns to Maurice, smiling. Maurice recoils] Maurice! Please forgive me, old bean. That's no way to talk to my future father-in-law, now is it?

Maurice: Future father-in-law?

Gaston: Yeah.

Maurice: You will never marry my daughter.

LeFou: I saw that coming.

Gaston: If Maurice won't give me his blessing, then he's in my way. Once the wolves are finished with him, Belle will have no one to take care of her but ME!

LeFou: For the sake of exhausting all of our options, do we maybe want to consider a slightly less... gruesome alternative?

Gaston: Are you coming?

Belle: Papa, is that you?

Maurice: Belle, how did you find me?

Belle: Your hands are ice. We need to get you home.

Maurice: Belle. Belle, you must leave here at once. This castle is alive. Now go before he finds you!

Belle: Who?

Belle: Who's there? Who are you?!

Beast: [angrily] Who are you?

Belle: I've come for my father.

Beast: Your father... is a THIEF.

Belle: Liar!

Beast: He stole a rose.

Belle: I asked for the rose. Punish me, not him.

Maurice: [to Belle] No, he means forever. Apparently, that's what happens around here when you pick a flower!

Belle: [to the Beast] A life sentence for a rose?

Beast: [leaps down to her section of the tower, but remains hidden in the shadows] I received eternal damnation for one. I'm merely locking him away. Now, do you still wish to take your father's place?

Belle: [The Beast doesn't move. Belle grabs Lumière and holds him up to the Beast's face. Seeing the Beast's intimidating appearance, she gasps in horror] Come into the light.

Beast: [scowling] Choose.

Maurice: [coughs] Belle, I won't let you do this. I lost your mother, I won't lose you too! Now go. Go!

Belle: [to the Beast; The Beast turns away] All right, Papa. I'll leave. I need a minute alone with him. You're being so cold-hearted you won't allow a daughter to say goodbye to her father? Forever can spare a minute.

Beast: When this door closes, it will not open again.

Belle: I should have been here with you.

Maurice: Listen, Belle. It's alright. Go. Live your life, and forget about me.

Belle: Forget you? Everything I am is because of you.

Maurice: I love you, Belle. Don't be afraid.

Belle: [she and Maurice hug; whispers] I love you too, Papa. I'm not afraid. And I will escape, I promise.

Maurice: [confused; Belle pushes Maurice out of the dungeon and closes the door] What?

Beast: You took his place.

Belle: He's my father.

Beast: Then he is a fool. And so are you!

Maurice: Belle...

Belle: [to the Beast] Papa! Be gentle with him!

Maurice: Belle, I'll come back! I promise!