A Day at the Races - Questions Among Doctors at the Races
Whitmore: [[Vienna]
May I present to you, Dr. Leoplod X. Steinberg of ]. And this is Dr. Hackenbush.
Steinberg:
Ah, doctor. I have a few questions I would like to ask you.
Hackenbush:
I would have a few questions I would like to ask you. Steinberg, what do you do with your old razorblades?
Steinberg:
HUH!!?
Whitmore:
I've been telling Dr. Steinberg about your unusual case.
Steinberg: [looks scornfully at Hackenbush.]
Yes, and I would like to hear more about this ailment, "double blood pressure?
Mrs. Upjohn:
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
Steinberg:
Hah! There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
Hackenbush:
You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.
Steinberg:
WHAT?!!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Day at the Races - A Conversation Amidst a Windy Day
Hackenbush:
Record department. Col. Hawkins talkin'.
Whitmore:
Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire for me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?
Hackenbush: [turns on a fan and blows a paper against it]
I'm sorry sir. There's a hurricane blowin down here, and you have to talk a little louder. Woo! It's certainly the windiest day we ever had! WOO! Certainly is windy!
Whitmore: [Hackenbush calls him on the intercom, pulling him away from the phone]
I want to find out about Dr. HACKENBUSH! Yes?
Hackenbush: [on the phone, posing as Colonel Hawkins]
Whitmore you'll have to cut out that squawking! The patients are all complaining! ... I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.
Whitmore:
I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictagraph.
Hackenbush:
What was that you said sir?
Whitmore: [loudly]
I was called to the dictagraph!
Hackenbush: [on the phone]
: Whitmore, one more yelp outta you and I'll have you bounced out of here! ...And I trust, sir, that that answers your question.
Whitmore:
I'm sorry, Colonel, I didn't hear you!
Hackenbush:
I can't hear you, you will have to talk a little louder.
Whitmore: [Hackenbush calls him on the intercom again]
I want to find out something about Hackenbush! Well, what is it now?!
Hackenbush: [on the phone]
Whitmore, that's the last time I'm gonna warn you about that yowling! And in conclusion, let me say…
Whitmore:
I'm sorry Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?
Hackenbush:
Hack- you mean, Dr. Hackenbush? Oh, no, he's not here.
Whitmore: [with mounting impatience]
I know he's not there. He's here!
Hackenbush:
Then what are you botherin me for, Yankee?
Whitmore:
But I want to know something about his Florida record-
Hackenbush: [in a female telephone operator's voice]
Here's your Florida call, Mr. Whitmore-
Whitmmore:
Operator, will you get off the line?! Hello, hello, Colonel?
Hackenbush:
Yes?
Whitmore:
Are you sure you're speaking about Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush?
Hackenbush:
Who?
Whitmore:
Hugo Z. Hackenbush!
Hackenbush:
Who's calling him?
Whitmore: [barely controlling his temper]
...The Standish Sanitarium.
Hackenbush:
Yeah! That's where he works! Say, I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there.
Whitmore:
I... I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.
Hackenbush:
What job?
Whitmore:
As head of the sanitarium!
Hackenbush:
Who?
Whitmore:
Hackenbush!
Hackenbush: [on the intercom]
Whitmore, are you calling me?
Whitmore: [picks up the phone]
NO, YOU SAP! ... Hello.
Hackenbush:
Yes, now, uh, now what was that name?
Whitmore:
Hackenbush. HACK-EN-BUSH!
Hackenbush:
Uh-huh. Well, as soon as he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.
Whitmore: [slamming down the phone]
No!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Day at the Races - Horse Pill Misunderstanding in Medical Context
Whitmore:
Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
Hackenbush:
Oh, you've taken them before.
Mrs. Upjohn:
Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
Hackenbush:
You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
Whitmore:
May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
Hackenbush:
Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Day at the Races - Medical Questions and Staff Decisions
Judy Standish: [leaves]
I'm satisfied with Mrs. Upjohn's recommendations. If you'll excuse me, I'll go out and bring in the rest of the staff.
Hackenbush: [to Whitmore]
Why don't you go out and bring in something? Preferably, your resignation.
Whitmore: [sharply]
Tell me, Dr. Hackenbush... just what was your medical background?
Hackenbush:
Medically?
Whitmore:
Yes.
Hackenbush:
Oh, well, at the age of fifteen, I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.
Whitmore:
Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?
Hackenbush:
Well, uh, that's for grown-ups. I just filled them for children.
Whitmore:
No, no, Doctor. I mean, where did you get your training as a physician?
Hackenbush:
Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.
Mrs. Upjohn:
Vassar? But that's a girls college.
Hackenbush: [smirks]
I found that out the third year. I'd've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
Whitmore:
The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
Hackenbush:
Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic-
Whitmore:
Ah, and what happened?
Hackenbush:
I got the flu.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.