Linda FiorentinoQuotes

Louden: Hey, Carla? I'd do it all again.

Carla: So would I.

Carla: Want to know what turns me on?

Louden: If you don't mind.

Carla: Hands. Really big hands. The kind that when they hold you, you really feel held. Like nothing can sneak up on you.

Carla: I heard you fainted.

Louden: Oh. I had kind of a temporary nitrogen imbalance, kind of a sodium depletion syndrome, maybe some general light-headedness, maybe one or two other things.

Carla: Will you live, or what?

Louden: I'm just trying to cut weight, you know, trying to get down to 168.

Carla: I don't get it. Why do you want to get smaller and wrestle a small guy? Why not get bigger and wrestle a big guy?

Louden: Big guys aren't better. 168 happens to be the toughest division in the state - maybe in the whole god damn world.

Carla: [Just before Louden is set to wrestle Shute; Louden glances up] Hey, Louden? Kick his ass.

Carla: [to Louden] First time I've ever went to a wrestling match. It wasn't what I expected. I guess I expected some macho violence trip, but it was all right, you know? Guess I just didn't understand.

Carla: [to Louden] Don't you ever try that again! I choose who I'm going to be with and what I'm going to do. I'll never be with any foulmouthed kid jock who thinks a stiff cock is the height of romance. Part of being a man, asshole, is knowing what a woman wants and respecting that.

Harlan: How the fuck do you stay up here? I mean, these people... I go in the store this morning for cigarettes, they got ducks under the counter. What, do they plant these people or do they just grow out of the ground? And they look at me like, hell, I don't know.

Bridget Gregory: [pause] Well, you know, they're not used to seeing guys like you around here, if you know what I mean. Is it true what they say?

Harlan: What?

Bridget Gregory: You know, size?

Harlan: Is it true what they say about white women?

Bridget Gregory: What's that?

Harlan: No ass.

Bridget Gregory: Oh, come on. I was wondering for real. Let me see it.

Harlan: Fuck you. Drive.

Bridget Gregory: I'm sorry.

Harlan: About what?

Bridget Gregory: About your shortcoming.

Harlan: I'm not gonna play this game.

Bridget Gregory: Is that why you carry a big gun?

Harlan: The Freudian mind-fuck isn't gonna work either.

Bridget Gregory: Ooh, touchy. I'm sure your woman is very understanding.

Harlan: Exactly how is it that we end this phase of our relationship?

Bridget Gregory: [pause] By you showing it to me. Come on, let me see it. I've never seen one before. I'll show you my ass.

Harlan: What makes you think I wanna see your bony ass?

Bridget Gregory: Show me.

Harlan: Show me.

Bridget Gregory: I'm driving. You go first.

Harlan: [pause] No, you go first. You'll shut the fuck up if I show you?

Bridget Gregory: I'm sure I'll be too stunned to speak.

Harlan: [he exposes himself] I don't believe this. You're crazy. Shit. Okay, there, you happy?

Bridget Gregory: You're my designated fuck.

Mike Swale: Designated fuck? Do they make cards for that? What if I want to be more than your designated fuck?

Bridget Gregory: Then I'll designate someone else.

Mike Swale: I'm trying to figure out whether you're a total fucking bitch or not.

Bridget Gregory: I am a total fucking bitch.

Mike Swale: I'm starting to feel like a...

Bridget Gregory: Sex object?

Bridget Gregory: Could you leave? Please?

Mike Swale: I haven't finished charming you yet.

Bridget Gregory: You haven't started.

Mike Swale: Gimme a chance.

Bridget Gregory: Look, go find yourself a nice little cowgirl and make nice little cowbabies and leave me alone.

Mike Swale: I'm hung like a horse. Think about it.

Bridget Gregory: Let's see.

Mike Swale: Excuse me?

Bridget Gregory: Mr. Ed, let's see.

Mike Swale: Look, I tried to be nice. I can see that's something you're not...

Bridget Gregory: No, I'm trying. I can be very nice when I try. Sit down.

Mike Swale: OK, maybe we just got off to a bad start. I know plenty of people -

Mike Swale: What are you doing?

Bridget Gregory: I believe what we're looking for is a certain horse-like quality?

Bridget Gregory: As far as you're concerned any sex we had is entirely a product of your imagination.

Bridget Gregory: Who's a girl gotta suck around here to get a drink?

Kiki: You do that all day and your own shoulders get pretty sore.

Paul: You want a massage?

Kiki: You read my mind. Would you?

Paul: Sure. I'm not too good at this. I just know a few basic moves.

Kiki: Just make it hurt and you're on the right track.

Paul: Is Marcy here?

Kiki: She had to go to the all-night drugstore.

Paul: Is she all right?

Kiki: It's under control.

Rufus: Why, Bethany Sloane, are you saying you believe?

Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.

Bethany: [Notices Jay is taking off his pants] What are you doing?

Jay: I'd say we got about five minutes to live, the whole world's gonna end... and you said you'd fuck me.

Bethany: Look asshole, I don't know if anyone's explained it, but if those two enter that church, everything gets blinked out of existence, even you!

Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. Did you know that once, Hell was nothing more than the absence of God? And if you'd ever been in His presence, you'd realize that's punishment enough. But then your kind came along, and made it so much worse.

Bethany: Humans aren't capable of one hundredth of the evil a shitbag demon like you is!

Azrael: [furious; calms himself] Evil...is AN ABSTRACT! It's a human construct! But true to his irresponsible nature, man won't own up to being its engineer, so he blames his dark deeds on my ilk! But it's not enough to shadow his own existence: no, he turned Hell into a suffering pit! And why?! Because it is beyond your abilities to simply make personal recompense for the sins you commit. No, you chose rather to create a psychodrama and dwell in a foundless belief that God could never forgive your grievous offences! So you bring your guilt and your inner decay with you to Hell, where the horde imaginations of so many gluttons-for-punishment gave birth to the sickness that has infected the abyss since the first one of your kind arrived there, begging to be punished! And in doing so, they've transformed the cold and the solitude to pain and misery! I've spent eons privy to the flames, inhaling the decay, hearing the wail of the damned! I know what effect such horrors have on the delicate psyche of an ANGELIC BEING! I'd rather not exist than go back to that... and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony tomorrow is a mistake!

Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes!

Rufus: Please! What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?

Bethany: [[Holocaust] And its platform of non-involvement during the ]?

Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made.

Bethany: [looking skyward; now crying] WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I FUCKING HATE YOU! I hate you.

Metatron: He can't hear you, you know.

Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?

Metatron: Would you - could you - have believed me? You had to come to it gradually. Only now, after all you've seen, could you accept the truth.

Bethany: I don't want this. It's too big.

Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yeah... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, that one word from his lips would destroy the Son's frail human body. So, I had to tell a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children that he was God's only son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people he had come to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it all back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true'. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany. It's something I've never told anyone before: if I had the power, I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same. I sympathize, I do. I wish I could take it all back. But I can't. This is who you are.

Bethany: Everything I am has been a lie.

Metatron: No, no, no! Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were. You are Bethany Sloane - no one can take that away from you, not even God. All this means is a new definition of that identity. The incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just be this as well... from time to time.

Bethany: [chuckles mirthlessly] I guess this mean no more cheating on my taxes.

Metatron: [smiles] To say the least.

Bethany: Why me? Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Rufus: Imagine you're a twelve-year old boy, and one day you're told you're God's only son- more than that, you're God. How long do you think it would take you to come to grips with something that huge? Maybe, say, eighteen years? In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from twelve to thirty. Twelve to thirty! Now that's some pretty bad story-telling! Where are the texts dealing with the missing eighteen years?! I'll tell you where; they were offered up as a sacrifice to the God of ecumenical politics!

Bethany: [sarcastically joking; Rufus gives her a look; Bethany instantly becomes more serious] You make it sound like there was some Church conspiracy to cover up the "truth about Christ"! Bullshit! Any important material about Christ would give people a better understanding of the nature of God. Why leave any of it out?

Rufus: Because it's all closely tied in with His family.

Bethany: [[w:Mary (mother of Jesus)|mother; [w:Saint Joseph|father] His ] and ]?

Rufus: [[w:Brothers of Jesus|brothers and sisters] His ].

Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters; Mary was a virgin.

Rufus: [[w:Virgin birth of Jesus|gave birth to Christ] Mary ] without knowing a man's touch, this is true, but she did have a husband. And do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth are all leaps of faith, but to believe a married couple never got down...well that's just plain gullibility!

Bethany: Meaning?

Rufus: The blood that flows through your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the one you call Jesus. Bethany, you are the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.

Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?

Rufus: His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out in His name. Wars, bigotry, televangelism. The big one, though, is the fractioning of all of the religions. He said mankind got it all wrong by taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

Bethany: You’re saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus: I just think it’s better to have ideas. I mean, you can change an idea, changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they’re successful, you, me… ALL of this ends in a heartbeat, all over a belief.

Bethany: [[Christ] You knew ]?

Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!

Jay: You believe this shit?!

Rufus: [[w:Antioch|Antioch] You know, that's a lot like the good people of ] were saying, right before they stoned my ass!

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another would be I was bludgeoned to death by big fucking rocks!

Jay: So, what's up? You gotta friend for Silent Bob, or you wanna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.

Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?

Jay: [[w:John Hughes (filmmaker)|John Hughes] Some fuck named ].

Bethany: [[Sixteen Candles] ] John Hughes?

Jay: [[Roger Ebert|Ebert; [The Breakfast Club|Breakfast Club; [w:Weird Science|Weird Science; [Pretty in Pink] You know that guy too? That fucking guy. Made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad, there's tits in it, but no bush. But ] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing. Cause he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Goes out and like rents every one of his movies. Fucking ]; all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fucking ] where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no she don't cause it's a PG movie. And then ], which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore because every time we get to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And nothing is worse than watching a fuckin fat man weep.

Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay: [Silent Bob raises a finger.; [w:Judd Nelson|Judd Nelson; He and Silent Bob bump fists.] See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, Illinois where all the honeys are top shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for ], he was fucking harsh! But best of all, there was no one dealing, man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois, so we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer, Illinois. Movies are fucking bullshit.

Bethany: When are you going back to Jersey?

Jay: [to Silent Bob; to Bethany] Jesus, this broad asks a lot of questions. Tomorrow.

Bethany: [to herself] Tomorrow...

Jay: Yeah. So, you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast em in the ass?

Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.

Jay: I'll take head.

Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this, but... I think I should go with you?

Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob has to live with us and you pay the rent.

Bethany: No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.

Jay: Really?

Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.

Jay: Me lead you? Lady, look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time. If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

Bethany: Someone told me I'd meet you and you'd take me some place I was suppose to go.

Jay: What the hell are you babbling about? All I know is we saved your ass from some angry, fucking dwarves and now you're telling us we're suppose to take you somewhere and you don't even know where the hell it is?

Bethany: Do you believe in God?

Jay: [to Silent Bob; both get up to leave] Holy fuck! All the fine immoral bitches out in front of that place and we gotta get the one Jesus freak? Let's get the fuck outta here-

Jay: I'll scream rape.

Bethany: I can pay you.

Jay: [he and Silent Bob sit back down] Pay?

Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You're going to Jersey anyway; all I'm asking is to tag along.

Jay: [to Silent Bob; [w:Han Solo|Han Solo; [w:Chewbacca|Chewie; [w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|Ben Kenobi; to Bethany] I feel like ], you're ], and she's ] and we're in that fucked up bar! What about sex?

Bethany: No sex.

Jay: All right, well lets say we're caught in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off; would you fuck us then?

Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation... yeah, sure.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Yeah? She's the slut. Booong!

Bethany: I don't know what to say or think, except...

Jay: That's you'll offer us sex as a reward?

Bethany: Um... that I'd like to know who they and you are.

Jay: I'm Jay, and this my hetero lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would have kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't of represented.

Bethany: Well, thanks for being out here so late. Wait... are you protesters?

Jay: You mean those dickheads with the signs and the pictures of dead babies? Shit no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own goddamn business!

Bethany: So, what are you doing hanging around?

Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.

Bethany: Excuse me?

Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?

Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.

Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.

Metatron: [[w:Noah's Ark|ark] {{w|Noah}} was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ]. All you have to do is go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day.

Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.

Bethany: What's the fine print?

Metatron: [Mumbling into glass] Stop-a-couple-of-angels-from-entering-and-thus-negating-all-existence.

Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Metatron: [Annoyed] Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them!

Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.

Bethany: Well... why doesn't God speak for Himself?

Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five {{w|Adam}}s before we figured that one out.

Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...

Metatron: Ah, Sweet Jesus! Did you have to use the whole can?!

Bethany: Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?!

Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid... fucking Christ...

Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! Now!

Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that...fffffish?

Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... Look at my suit!

Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.

Metatron: [Drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be; Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry] Oh, give over, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to; Angels are ill-equipped! See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you? Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.

Bethany: What are you?

Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.