Memorable Quotes from Lou Costello
100 quotesForgetfulness Leads to Humor in Conversation
Tubby
Hey Slim? Slim? I gotta go home. I forgot something.
Slim
What did you forget?
Tubby
I forgot to stay there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Unusual Wrestling Scenarios
Bud Jones
What's the ] of teaching midgets to wrestle?
[[idea]
Lou Hotchkiss
They're for those small television sets.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confronting Silly Answers in Investigation
Mervin Q. Milgrim
I'm getting a lot of silly answers from this guy.
Chick Larkin
Well, grill him.
Mervin Q. Milgrim
What?
Chick Larkin
Grill him.
Mervin Q. Milgrim
I'm not hungry!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fear of Blood in a Shaving Scene
Abercrombie
Let's see...I've got the shaving lather, the razor, and the smelling salts.
Rags Ragland
What are the smelling salts for?
Abercrombie
I faint at the sight of blood.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Forgotten Items and the Journey Home
Stanley Livington
So if I draw the map I can go home?
[while in Africa]
Buzz Johnson
What do you want to go home for?
Stanley Livington
I forgot something.
Buzz Johnson
What did you forget?
Stanley Livington
I forgot to stay there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Responses to a Question
Det. Roberts
How did he get out?
[Tommy Nelson is gone]
Lou Francis
Installments.
Det. Roberts
Installments?
Lou Francis
Yeah, he did a Gypsy Rose Lee, come here!
Lou Francis
That, that's all that's left of him.
Det. Roberts
Evidently Nelson changed clothes... what was he wearing when you last saw him?
Lou Francis
Air... nothing but air... and then he asked me how he looked.
Det. Roberts
Wearing air? What are you talking about?
Lou Francis
I went to shake his hand, his hand was gone, I looked up to speak to him, his head was gone. Then he took off his shirt, his body was gone, he took off his pants, his legs were gone! Then he spoke to me, I was gone.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Doorbell Dilemma in Universal Agreement
Grover Mockridge
Go answer the door. It might be Warner.
Wilbur Hoolihan
It won't do no good. We're all signed up with Universal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Feeling Like an Unwanted Burden
Benny Miller
I feel like a tin can with a dog's tail tied to it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Urgency Amidst a Rowing Challenge
Lou Francis
What are you doing?
Punch-drunk fighter
Rowing. I gotta be in Staten Island in twenty minutes.
[on a rowing machine]
Lou Francis
You better hurry, the tide's going out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Mistaken Identity and Shared Responsibility
Willoughby
It's all our fault. Duke and I went running to hide from the boss and I let the cow's husband out.
Duke
He means the bull.
Willoughby
Bull nothin it's a fact.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fearlessness in the Face of Adversity
Stanley Livington
I'm not afraid of nothing . Not even you. I'm a pretty brave kid. I don't care about kittens. I don't care how big the kittens are.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aerial Emergency and Comedic Responses
Pilot
The motor is conking out! You two better bail out!
Heathcliff
We're 5,000 feet in the air and this guy wants me to look for a bondsman?!?
Blackie
No! Jump with your chute on!
Heathcliff
Whaddya think I'm gonna do, jump in my underwear?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning the Purpose of Military Service
Herbie Brown
Why did I join the army, anyway?
Slicker Smith
To defend your native soil.
Herbie Brown
Well, they don't have to feed it to me!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Danger in the Temple
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola
I'll go up there into that temple. I'll face danger.
[after being told he has to go into the temple on top of a volcano, from which no one has ever returned]
Algernon Algy Shaw
I knew you would.
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola
I don't care if the boogeyman's in there.
Algernon Algy Shaw
Thatta boy.
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola
There's only one thing I want you to do.
Algernon Algy Shaw
What's that?
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola
Talk me out of it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Commitment Over Divorce: A Fight to the End
Wishy
I don't believe in divorce. I believe in a fight to the finish!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion Over a Baseball Player's Identity
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Well, go ahead and tell me!
Dexter Broadhurst
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
The guy on first.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
The first baseman.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Have you got a first baseman on first?
Dexter Broadhurst
Certainly.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Then who's playing first?
Dexter Broadhurst
Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Dexter Broadhurst
Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Who is?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
So who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst
Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Whose wife?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes. After all, the man earns it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Who does?
Dexter Broadhurst
Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst
Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's what I'm trying to find out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Understanding the Nature of Marriage
Costello
He's gonna make a wonderful husband.
Abbott
You don't even know what a husband is.
Costello
A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Fear of Animals Rooted in Childhood Experience
Buzz Johnson
I can't understand why you have this terrible fear of animals in you. What is it?
Stanley Livington
When I was a little baby I was scared by my piggy bank.
Buzz Johnson
That's nonsense.
Stanley Livington
You wanna hear something worse?
Buzz Johnson
What?
Stanley Livington
I was 15 years old before I ate my first animal cracker.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Consequences of a Fruitless Pursuit
Chester Wooley
That wild goose chase of yours is going to lay an egg.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Limits of Patience in Relationships
Melody Allen
Horatio, be patient.
Horatio Prim
Be patient? Melody, do you realize that my girlfriend Nora has been waiting for me for 165 years? And a girl will only wait so long, and no longer!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Identity and Perception in a Lighthearted Exchange
Mervin Q. Milgrim
Don't call me Blimp!
Detective Brannigan
Why not?
Mervin Q. Milgrim
What makes a blimp go up?
Detective Brannigan
Hot air.
Mervin Q. Milgrim
What's holding you down?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
School Experience and Personal Growth
T.S. Chandler
Did you ever go to school, stupid?
Benny Miller
Yes, sir, and I came out the same way.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Marriage as a Three Ring Circus
Chester Wooley
Marriage is a three ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and suffering.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Perception and Romantic Aspirations
Peter Johnson
You love her? Oh, come on, you wouldn't get to first base with a beautiful girl like that.
[laughs]
Harvey Garvey
Yes, I would.
Peter Johnson
Did you ever take a good look in the mirror?
Harvey Garvey
No.
Peter Johnson
Why not?
Harvey Garvey
Why should I hurt my own feelings?
Peter Johnson
Never mind!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Union Hours and Memberships Discussed
Wilbur Grey
That's gonna cost you overtime because I'm a union man and I work only sixteen hours a day.
McDougal
A union man only works eight hours a day.
Wilbur Grey
I belong to two unions.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Reflections on Luck and Regret
Freddie Phillips
Ain't I a lucky stiff? Lucky stiff? I should've never left Paterson.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Repetitive Exchange Between Characters
Dexter Broadhurst
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Who has it?
Dexter Broadhurst
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Okay.
Dexter Broadhurst
Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Then who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Okay.
Dexter Broadhurst
All right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, that's it. Say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's what I said.
Dexter Broadhurst
You did not.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
Dexter Broadhurst
No. You throw the ball to first base.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Information Exchange in a Tense Moment
Big Frank
Little fat man, your partner's got some information we want. I think maybe you got the information too since you were there when it happened.
Lou Henry
What happened?
Big Frank
When the D.A. was knocked off.
Lou Henry
I was unconscious when it happened.
Big Frank
If it'll help your memory, we can easily render you unconscious again.
Bud Flick
You've got it all wrong, Big Frank. He's just naturally unconscious.
Lou Henry
Thanks, Bud!
[Smiles]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Peculiar Nature of Nicknames
Dexter Broadhurst
Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Funny names?
Dexter Broadhurst
Nicknames. Nicknames.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie.
Dexter Broadhurst
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Funnier than that?
Dexter Broadhurst
Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have {{W|Who's on First?|Who's on first}}, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Dexter Broadhurst
I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...
Sebastian Dinwiddle
You know the fellows names?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Well, then, who's playin first?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
The fellow playin first base for St. Louis.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
The guy on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Well, what are you askin me for?
Dexter Broadhurst
I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm asking you who's on first!
Dexter Broadhurst
That's the man's name!
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's whose name?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Orville's Responsibilities After Jet Ship Flight
Miss Frances Planey
Orville, after you've finished flying the jet ships for the children, bring them back to the orphanage. Then cut the lawn and water the plants.
Orville
All right, Miss Planey.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Wives and Luck
Tom Watson
George, you know my wife's an angel?
George Bell
You're lucky. Mine's living!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dislike of Dancing and Its Music
Oliver Quackenbush
I really don't like dancing because it's nothing but hugging set to music.
Woman in Trailer
What don't you like about it?
Oliver Quackenbush
The music.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Conversation About the Plumbing Business
Drexel
How's the plumbing business?
Eddie Harrington
Alright.
Albert Mansfield
We manage to keep our head above water.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Self-Reflection and Insecurity Among Friends
Chick Young
I don't get it. Out of all the guys around here, that classy dish has to pick out a guy like you.
Wilbur Grey
What's wrong with that?
Chick Young
Go look at yourself in the mirror sometime.
Wilbur Grey
Why should I hurt my own feelings?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding Between Cowboy and Cowpoke
Willoughby
How do you milk this cow?
Duke
No - this is a steer! The steer don't give milk.
Willoughby
No?
Duke
No.
Willoughby
Then where does that steerilized milk come from?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Confusion Over Base Players' Names
Sebastian Dinwiddle
What is the fellow's name on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst
What is the fellow's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm not askin ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know.
Both
Third base!
Sebastian Dinwiddle
You got a outfield?
Dexter Broadhurst
Oh, sure.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
St. Louis has got a good outfield?
Dexter Broadhurst
Oh, absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
The left fielder's name?
Dexter Broadhurst
Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you.
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Then tell me who's playing left field.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who is playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Stay out of the infield!
Dexter Broadhurst
Don't mention their names out there.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.
Dexter Broadhurst
What is on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst
Now take it easy, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
And the left fielder's name?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Sleeplessness and Solutions
Buzz Kurtis
You can't sleep?
Abercrombie
No.
Buzz Kurtis
I've got just the thing for you. Don't go away. Well, pal, here it is.
[He leaves the room and returns with a phonograph record]
Abercrombie
What do you got there?
Buzz Kurtis
Go To Sleep with Dr. Caswell Snide.
[reading the label]
Abercrombie
Oh, no! I wanna sleep alone!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Death and Perception
Abernathy
Things have been awfully dead around here.
Freddie Phillips
Much deader than you think.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dreams vs. Reality in Romance
Stanley Livington
That's the kind of girl I dream about. But you should see the ones I get.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Devil's Company in a Barroom
Blackie
No, you don't want to drink. Remember, every time you go into a barroom, the Devil goes in with you.
Heathcliff
If he does, he buys his own drink.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Misunderstanding Over a Bath Request
Pipps
Gentlemen your bath is drawn.
Albert Mansfield
Erase it.
Pipps
What?
Albert Mansfield
Rub it out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Questioning Sanity in Unlikely Company
The Derelict
Quiet! People will think you're crazy.
Harvey Garvey
Oh, and I suppose you're all right?
The Derelict
Of course!
Harvey Garvey
Of course?
The Derelict
I have a brother who is crazy - but I'm all right!
[screaming]
Harvey Garvey
Who told you?
[gasping]
The Derelict
My brother!
Harvey Garvey
That does it, brother!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Outsmarting Uncle Nimativ's Challenge
Peter Johnson
We've got to outsmart Uncle Nimativ. You go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey
Why should I go out with him? I'm afraid of that man!
Peter Johnson
Not to go out with him. Go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey
Why should I go in and go out with him? I mean, he don't appeal to me!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings Between Lou and Bud
Lou Henry
What are you mad about? Can I help it if it didn't take any brains to fix it?
Bud Flick
If it took any brains, would I need you?
Lou Henry
I don't know.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Request for a Memorable Farewell
Wishy
If I'm the one that gets killed, get twenty-five beautiful girls to walk around me.
Doc
Why?
Wishy
If I don't get up, then you know I'm dead.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Chewing Gum and Attire Etiquette
Dexter Broadhurst
Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit!
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm chewin it in my mouth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstandings in the Widow's Garden
Jim Simpson
The widow doesn't grow corn.
Chester Wooley
Then what's that scarecrow doing in the yard?
Widow Hawkins
Who you calling a scarecrow?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion on Game Strategy and Players
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, don't change the players around.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm not changing nobody.
Dexter Broadhurst
Now, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
What's the guy's name on first base?
Dexter Broadhurst
What's the guy's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm not askin ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst
He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
How did I get on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst
You mentioned his name.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Dexter Broadhurst
No, who's playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Stay offa first, will ya?
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, what do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Now what's the guy's name on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst
What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst
He's on third.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
There I go, back on third again.
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, I can't change their names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter Broadhurst
Please. Now what is it you want to know?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humor in Misunderstanding Smoking Rules
Abbott
Put that out. There's no smoking in here.
Costello
What makes you think I'm smokin'?
Abbott
You've got a cigar in your mouth!
Costello
I've got shoes on... don't mean I'm walkin'.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Searching for Answers in a Mystery
Insp. Wellman
Were you and Relia in cahoots?
Freddie Phillips
The last time I saw Relia, he didn't talk to me.
[having seen Relia's body]
Insp. Wellman
If I could only find Relia. I could make him talk.
Freddie Phillips
If you could, that would be a good trick.
Sgt. Stone
He could make him talk. You don't know Wellman.
Freddie Phillips
You don't know Relia.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About Transformation and Daily Support
Tubby
What if this stuff changes me into a mouse again and I can't turn back?
Slim
Don't worry,I'll bring you cheese every day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Encouragement and Determination in Dialogue
Slicker Smith
Throw your chest out! Go on! Throw your chest out!
Herbie Brown
I'm not through with it yet!
Slicker Smith
Quiet.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Moments of Undressing
Pipps
Well sir if I may start undressing you now?
Albert Mansfield
You're gonna undress me?
Pipps
Yes sir.
Albert Mansfield
The last person that ever undressed me was my mother and that was a year ago.
Pipps
A year ago?
Albert Mansfield
You gotta start to learn to undress yourself sometime or other by yourself. Don't you?
Pipps
Right.
Albert Mansfield
Quite
Pipps
Right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Preference for Even Numbers in Humor
Sergeant Collins
Two, Four, Six, Eight...
[Refereeing a boxing match, counting Herbie out]
Herbie Brown
What happened to "one, three, five, seven, and nine?
Sergeant Collins
I don't like those numbers, they're odd.{{humor inline}}
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Humorous Exchange About Meeting Dracula
Wilbur Grey
Hey Chick, do you know what happens when you meet Dracula in the woods?
Chick Young
I'll bite.
Wilbur Grey
Uh-uh. You gotta stand in line!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Education and Change
Doc
Did you ever go to school, stupid?
Wishy
Yeah and I came out the same way.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns Over Candy Consumption
Benny Miller
Do you mind if I have a piece of candy while I wait on you?
Hazel Temple Morrison
Aren't you worried you're going to wear your teeth down to the bones?
Benny Miller
What?
Hazel Temple Morrison
You ate three packages of cracker jacks, two bags of peanuts, one of those red gooey apples on a stick, and three chocolate malked milkshakes.
Benny Miller
And don't forget the banana split, with a lot of fruit on it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Age Differences in Relationships Over Time
Slicker Smith
You're 40 years-old and you're in love with this little girl that's 10 years-old. You're four times as old as that girl and you couldn't marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown
Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith
All right- you're 40 years-old, you're four times as old as this girl, and you can't marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl's 15 and you're 45. You're only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you're at 60. You're only twice as old as that little girl.
Herbie Brown
She's catching up.
Slicker Smith
Yes, yes. Now here's the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown
Now what kinda question is that? That's ridiculous!
Slicker Smith
Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown
If I wait for that girl she'll pass me up. She'll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith
What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown
She'll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith
Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown
...I was nice enough to wait for her!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Center Field
Dexter Broadhurst
Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Because.
Dexter Broadhurst
Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Center field.
Dexter Broadhurst
Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?
Dexter Broadhurst
Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Dexter Broadhurst
Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
You don't want to tell me today?
Dexter Broadhurst
I'm telling you, man.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Then go ahead.
Dexter Broadhurst
Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
What time?
Dexter Broadhurst
What time what?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Dexter Broadhurst
Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on...
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.
Dexter Broadhurst
Then why come up here and ask?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Dexter Broadhurst
What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't know.
Both
Third base!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Question About Time and Privacy
Herbie Brown
What time is it?
Slicker Smith
None of your business!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Humorous Exchange About Clothing Loss
T.S. Chandler
Don't tell me, let me guess, he took the shirt off your back.
Benny Miller
Took my pants too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Claiming Mars for America
Lester
I hereby claim Mars in the name of the United States of America.
Orville
Me too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Grammar and Timing in Conversation
Harvey Garvey
Do I have to especially go now?
Peter Johnson
You just split an infinitive!
Harvey Garvey
Well, I mean that... Does it show?
[feeling his own rear end]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Nautical Terminology and Attitudes in Conversation
Smokey Adams
If you asked a seaman how fast the ship was going, he wouldn't say "Miles" to you. He'd say "Knots" to you.
Pomeroy Watson
Well, nuts to him, too, if that's the way he feels!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Discussion of Salary Raise
Buzz Johnson
Mr Livington, what about that raise I've been asking for?
Stanley Livington
I'll talk to my partner if he's in.
Buzz Johnson
Thank you, Sir.
Stanley Livington
He's in.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Secret Passage to Escape
The Derelict
I know a secret passage that will take us out.
Harvey Garvey
Swell!
The Derelict
Shhh!
[to Harvey]
Harvey Garvey
Shhh!
[to Pete]
Peter Johnson
Go ahead.
[whispering]
The Derelict
Follow me.
Peter Johnson
Go ahead - follow him.
Harvey Garvey
Okay.
Peter Johnson
Go ahead.
[impatiently]
The Derelict
Where are you taking me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Exploring the Depths of Mental Influence
Benny Miller
I penetrate people's brains and leave my mind blank.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Talking to Oneself in Public Spaces
Slicker Smith
What did you say?
[Herbie mumbles something during a drill routine]
Herbie Brown
I'm just talking to myself.
Slicker Smith
Well, don't talk so loud!
Herbie Brown
Well, I gotta hear what I have to say.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Facing Fears in the Boxing Ring
Tommy Nelson
Don't worry. I'll be in the ring with you, dying to take a crack at Rocky!
Lou Francis
And I'll be in there just plain dying.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Confusion and Identity Misunderstanding
Horatio Prim
Odds bodkins, we're all mixed up!
[he and Melody collide and are wearing each other's clothes]
Horatio Prim
Melody, don't ever do that again, I'm a boy!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unanswered Question About a Gun's Origin
Casey Edwards
Freddie, where did you that gun?
Freddie Phillips
I don't know.
Casey Edwards
Freddie, for the last time! Where did you get that gun?
Freddie Phillips
I don't know.
Casey Edwards
Where did you get that gun?
Freddie Phillips
Hey, that's not fair. You said "for the last time". I answered it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Catcher's Name Revealed
Sebastian Dinwiddle
You gotta catcher?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
The catcher's name?
Dexter Broadhurst
Today.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Dexter Broadhurst
Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Gotta catcher?
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I'm a good catcher, too, you know.
Dexter Broadhurst
I know that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, I might arrange that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Dexter Broadhurst
Now, that's the first thing you've said right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Dexter Broadhurst
Well, that's all you have to do.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Is to throw it to first base.
Dexter Broadhurst
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Now who's got it?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Di Maggio's Continued Success in Baseball
Willoughby
Hey! Di Maggio got another hit!
[a newspaper blows into their car during a chase]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Last Minute Decisions and Communication
Wishy
Answer the phone.
Doc
It's not ringing.
Wishy
Why wait to the last minute?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Cleverly Planned Encounter with Bandits
Chester Wooley
We stop the stage, the bandits are waiting for the stage, and then you show up instead of the stage.
Duke Egan
That's pretty well-staged.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Truth Behind the Disappearance
Albert Mansfield
Lady, he ain't dead, he's hiding!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Embracing Unusual Transformations in Friendship
Larry Talbot
Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.
Wilbur Grey
Oh pal. That's all right; I'm sort of a wolf myself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Perception of Reality and Disappearance
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist
I know, you saw this man disappear into thin air. Do you always see things?
Lou Francis
Only when my eyes are open.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist
Did you ever see somebody disappear before?
Lou Francis
Yes sir, I have.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist
This may explain it, seeing things. When did this happen?
Lou Francis
One day me and my brother were walking down the street... my brother disappeared.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist
Into thin air?
Lou Francis
No, into a man hole.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist
How about voices? Do you ever hear strange voices?
Lou Francis
Yes sir.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist
Aha, and when do you hear these strange voices?
Lou Francis
When I get the wrong number on the telephone.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Shared Discontent After a Fall
Bud Jones
I'm not the least bit happy with that fall!
Lou Hotchkiss
That makes two of us.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Curiosity About Bugs in Changing Seasons
Thomas Halstead
By the way, where do all the little bugs go this time of year?
Pomeroy Watson
Search me.
Thomas Halstead
No thanks, I just wondered.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Concerns About an Invisible Driver
Bud Alexander
I hope he's got his driver's license.
Lou Francis
I hope he's in the car!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Unexpected Decision at the Inn
Harvey Garvey
Have you a reservation here?
Jailer and clerk
No.
Harvey Garvey
Then I have to take my business someplace else. I changed my mind. I'll take the room.
[he starts to leave but is restrained by guards]
Jailer and clerk
What's your name?
Harvey Garvey
Harvey D. Garvey.
Jailer and clerk
Where born?
Harvey Garvey
Under a sink.
Jailer and clerk
How do you know?
Harvey Garvey
I heard the water runnin'.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Aspirations and Humorous Realities of Life
Wishy
I want to be like the Rangers when I die. I want to die with my boots on.
Doc
Why?
Wishy
I got holes in my socks.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Limitations of Abilities and Expectations
Rita
What can you do?
Wishy
Nuthin'. And we don't do THAT well, either.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation on Kindness and Identity
The Derelict
Gentleman... He called me a gentleman! Thank you.
[to Pete]
Peter Johnson
That's all right.
The Derelict
Those are the first kind words I've heard in years. You see I haven't always been a derelict... like you!
[pointing to Harvey]
Harvey Garvey
Hey, now, don't call me those kind of bad names.
The Derelict
Would you like to hear my story?
Harvey Garvey
No.
The Derelict
Very well, then I'll tell it to you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Title of This Story Is Revealed
Mervin Q. Milgrim
The title of this story is---"The Midget Gets The Chair", or "Small Fry"!
[reading from radio script]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Misunderstanding in a Heated Conversation
Ricardo Montera
It's a code.
Wishy
I don't think so. It's pretty hot in here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Forgotten Commitment to Stay at Home
Heathcliff
I gotta go home, I forgot something!
Blackie
What'd you forget?
Heathcliff
I forgot to stay there!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Surprising Reaction to Brutality
Miss Mayberry
I've never witnessed such brutality, not in all my years!
Lou Henry
Wow, that's a long time!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Playful Exchange About Hair Styles
Tom Watson
Why Mrs. McGillicuddy, how charming you look. I know it's your hair. You've done something different to it.
George Bell
She put it on her head!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Introduction of a Character Relation
Wishy
You ever hear of ]? I'm his cousin, Cocker Spaniel.
[[w:Bulldog Drummond|Bulldog Drummond]
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Miscommunication Between Friends
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Then who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's what I'm saying.
Dexter Broadhurst
You're not saying that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Excuse me, folks.
Dexter Broadhurst
It's all right. I'm sorry, folks.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst
Naturally. Well, say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
That's what I'm saying.
Dexter Broadhurst
Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I throw the ball to first base.
Dexter Broadhurst
Then Who gets it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
He better get it.
Dexter Broadhurst
That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Hmmph.
Dexter Broadhurst
Hmmph.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Dexter Broadhurst
Uh-huh.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play.
Dexter Broadhurst
Yeah. It could be.
Sebastian Dinwiddle
Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.
Dexter Broadhurst
What was that?
Sebastian Dinwiddle
I said, I don't care.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Mystery of Cuthbert's Survival
Horatio Prim
Cuthbert, Melody, it's Cuthbert! He's still alive!
Melody Allen
How can that be?
Horatio Prim
I don't know, they say only the good die young.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Misunderstanding About a Deceased Person
Casey Edwards
It's Milford. Strickland's secretary.
Freddie Phillips
What's he hangin around here for?
Casey Edwards
He's hang — He's dead, you dope.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Delayed Sundae Order Conversation
Customer
What happened to my strawberry sundae?
Mervin Q. Milgrim
What's today?
Customer
Friday.
Mervin Q. Milgrim
You've got two more days to wait.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Transformation Under the Full Moon
Larry Talbot
I know you'll think I'm crazy, but... in a half-an-hour the moon will rise and I'll turn into a wolf.
Wilbur Grey
You and 20 million other guys!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Transformation and Identity in Dr. Jekyll's Experiment
Tubby
How do you like that Dr. Jekyll! He turned me into a mouse... THE RAT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Memorable Faces and Lasting Impressions
Abercrombie
A face like mine is hard to forget.
Buzz Kurtis
How do you know?
Abercrombie
I've been tryin for years!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Duality of Identity Explained
Slim
Now look! You can't make two persons out of one. If there's a monster, there's a monster. If there's a Dr. Jekyll, there's a Dr. Jekyll. But one can't be the other.
Tubby
Now listen Slim. All I know is that I locked up the monster and when I came back, Dr. Jekyll was there. You know I'm no magician.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
A Conversation About Breathing Techniques
Bud Flick
Keep your mouth shut.
Lou Henry
I will not. I breathe through my mouth.
Bud Flick
Well, breathe through your nose.
Lou Henry
Do you breathe through your nose?
Bud Flick
Yes.
Lou Henry
Then you keep your mouth shut!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.