Who Done It? - Confronting Silly Answers in Investigation
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
I'm getting a lot of silly answers from this guy.
Chick Larkin:
Well, grill him.
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
What?
Chick Larkin:
Grill him.
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
I'm not hungry!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Who Done It? - Identity and Perception in a Lighthearted Exchange
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
Don't call me Blimp!
Detective Brannigan:
Why not?
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
What makes a blimp go up?
Detective Brannigan:
Hot air.
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
What's holding you down?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Who Done It? - The Consequences of Solving the Case
Chick Larkin:
If we solve this case, the public will be begging for "MUCK AND MIRE'.
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
And if the murderer gets us, we'll do plenty of begging, too!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Who Done It? - Mervin's Unexpected Reason for Going Upstairs
Mervin Q. Milgrim: [nauseous]
I gotta go back upstairs and get something...
Chick Larkin:
What have you gotta get?
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
My stomach...
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Who Done It? - Delayed Sundae Order Conversation
Customer:
What happened to my strawberry sundae?
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
What's today?
Customer:
Friday.
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
You've got two more days to wait.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Who Done It? - Indifference to Dental Investment
Chick Larkin: [about Juliet Collins]
She's only got a couple of buck teeth.
Mervin Q. Milgrim:
Why do I care what she paid for them?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Who Done It? - The Title of This Story Is Revealed
Mervin Q. Milgrim: [reading from radio script]
The title of this story is---"The Midget Gets The Chair", or "Small Fry"!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Concerns About Transformation and Daily Support
Tubby:
What if this stuff changes me into a mouse again and I can't turn back?
Slim:
Don't worry,I'll bring you cheese every day.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Forgetfulness Leads to Humor in Conversation
Tubby:
Hey Slim? Slim? I gotta go home. I forgot something.
Slim:
What did you forget?
Tubby:
I forgot to stay there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - The Duality of Identity Explained
Slim:
Now look! You can't make two persons out of one. If there's a monster, there's a monster. If there's a Dr. Jekyll, there's a Dr. Jekyll. But one can't be the other.
Tubby:
Now listen Slim. All I know is that I locked up the monster and when I came back, Dr. Jekyll was there. You know I'm no magician.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - Transformation and Identity in Dr. Jekyll's Experiment
Tubby:
How do you like that Dr. Jekyll! He turned me into a mouse... THE RAT!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap - Misunderstandings in the Widow's Garden
Jim Simpson:
The widow doesn't grow corn.
Chester Wooley:
Then what's that scarecrow doing in the yard?
Widow Hawkins:
Who you calling a scarecrow?!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap - A Cleverly Planned Encounter with Bandits
Chester Wooley:
We stop the stage, the bandits are waiting for the stage, and then you show up instead of the stage.
Duke Egan:
That's pretty well-staged.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap - Marriage as a Three Ring Circus
Chester Wooley:
Marriage is a three ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and suffering.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Wistful Widow of Wagon Gap - The Consequences of a Fruitless Pursuit
Chester Wooley:
That wild goose chase of yours is going to lay an egg.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Little Giant - School Experience and Personal Growth
T.S. Chandler:
Did you ever go to school, stupid?
Benny Miller:
Yes, sir, and I came out the same way.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Little Giant - A Humorous Exchange About Clothing Loss
T.S. Chandler:
Don't tell me, let me guess, he took the shirt off your back.
Benny Miller:
Took my pants too.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Little Giant - Concerns Over Candy Consumption
Benny Miller:
Do you mind if I have a piece of candy while I wait on you?
Hazel Temple Morrison:
Aren't you worried you're going to wear your teeth down to the bones?
Benny Miller:
What?
Hazel Temple Morrison:
You ate three packages of cracker jacks, two bags of peanuts, one of those red gooey apples on a stick, and three chocolate malked milkshakes.
Benny Miller:
And don't forget the banana split, with a lot of fruit on it!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Little Giant - Feeling Like an Unwanted Burden
Benny Miller:
I feel like a tin can with a dog's tail tied to it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Little Giant - Exploring the Depths of Mental Influence
Benny Miller:
I penetrate people's brains and leave my mind blank.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in Alaska - Desires Amidst Wealth and Weariness
Tom Watson:
Nugget Joe, you've got everything in the world to live for. The richest gold mine in Alaska. Why with that kind of money, you can get any kind of girl you want. Why worry about that one girl?
Nugget Joe McDermott:
I don't want any girl. I want Rosette.
George Bell:
I want to go to sleep! I'm tired.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in Alaska - A Playful Exchange About Hair Styles
Tom Watson:
Why Mrs. McGillicuddy, how charming you look. I know it's your hair. You've done something different to it.
George Bell:
She put it on her head!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in Alaska - A Conversation About Wives and Luck
Tom Watson:
George, you know my wife's an angel?
George Bell:
You're lucky. Mine's living!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in Alaska - A Conversation About a Fast Dog Team
George Bell:
This is the fastest dog team in the whole world.
Tom Watson:
What do you mean?
George Bell:
Get a load of all my dogs. See the first dog? That's Butch. Then there's George. Then there's Albert. Then there's Gene. Then there's Joe
Tom Watson:
What makes them so fast?
George Bell:
You see the lead dog? Her name is Gloria.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In the Navy - Nautical Terminology and Attitudes in Conversation
Smokey Adams:
If you asked a seaman how fast the ship was going, he wouldn't say "Miles" to you. He'd say "Knots" to you.
Pomeroy Watson:
Well, nuts to him, too, if that's the way he feels!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In the Navy - Curiosity About Bugs in Changing Seasons
Thomas Halstead:
By the way, where do all the little bugs go this time of year?
Pomeroy Watson:
Search me.
Thomas Halstead:
No thanks, I just wondered.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
It Ain't Hay - Doorbell Dilemma in Universal Agreement
Grover Mockridge:
Go answer the door. It might be Warner.
Wilbur Hoolihan:
It won't do no good. We're all signed up with Universal.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - A Secret Passage to Escape
The Derelict:
I know a secret passage that will take us out.
Harvey Garvey:
Swell!
The Derelict: [to Harvey]
Shhh!
Harvey Garvey: [to Pete]
Shhh!
Peter Johnson: [whispering]
Go ahead.
The Derelict:
Follow me.
Peter Johnson:
Go ahead - follow him.
Harvey Garvey:
Okay.
Peter Johnson: [impatiently]
Go ahead.
The Derelict:
Where are you taking me?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - Grammar and Timing in Conversation
Harvey Garvey:
Do I have to especially go now?
Peter Johnson:
You just split an infinitive!
Harvey Garvey: [feeling his own rear end]
Well, I mean that... Does it show?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - Self-Perception and Romantic Aspirations
Peter Johnson: [laughs]
You love her? Oh, come on, you wouldn't get to first base with a beautiful girl like that.
Harvey Garvey:
Yes, I would.
Peter Johnson:
Did you ever take a good look in the mirror?
Harvey Garvey:
No.
Peter Johnson:
Why not?
Harvey Garvey:
Why should I hurt my own feelings?
Peter Johnson:
Never mind!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - Outsmarting Uncle Nimativ's Challenge
Peter Johnson:
We've got to outsmart Uncle Nimativ. You go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey:
Why should I go out with him? I'm afraid of that man!
Peter Johnson:
Not to go out with him. Go in and outwit him.
Harvey Garvey:
Why should I go in and go out with him? I mean, he don't appeal to me!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - A Conversation on Kindness and Identity
The Derelict: [to Pete]
Gentleman... He called me a gentleman! Thank you.
Peter Johnson:
That's all right.
The Derelict: [pointing to Harvey]
Those are the first kind words I've heard in years. You see I haven't always been a derelict... like you!
Harvey Garvey:
Hey, now, don't call me those kind of bad names.
The Derelict:
Would you like to hear my story?
Harvey Garvey:
No.
The Derelict:
Very well, then I'll tell it to you.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - Questioning Sanity in Unlikely Company
The Derelict:
Quiet! People will think you're crazy.
Harvey Garvey:
Oh, and I suppose you're all right?
The Derelict:
Of course!
Harvey Garvey:
Of course?
The Derelict: [screaming]
I have a brother who is crazy - but I'm all right!
Harvey Garvey: [gasping]
Who told you?
The Derelict:
My brother!
Harvey Garvey:
That does it, brother!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Lost in a Harem - Unexpected Decision at the Inn
Harvey Garvey:
Have you a reservation here?
Jailer and clerk:
No.
Harvey Garvey: [he starts to leave but is restrained by guards]
Then I have to take my business someplace else. I changed my mind. I'll take the room.
Jailer and clerk:
What's your name?
Harvey Garvey:
Harvey D. Garvey.
Jailer and clerk:
Where born?
Harvey Garvey:
Under a sink.
Jailer and clerk:
How do you know?
Harvey Garvey:
I heard the water runnin'.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ride 'Em Cowboy - Misunderstanding Between Cowboy and Cowpoke
Willoughby:
How do you milk this cow?
Duke:
No - this is a steer! The steer don't give milk.
Willoughby:
No?
Duke:
No.
Willoughby:
Then where does that steerilized milk come from?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ride 'Em Cowboy - Mistaken Identity and Shared Responsibility
Willoughby:
It's all our fault. Duke and I went running to hide from the boss and I let the cow's husband out.
Duke:
He means the bull.
Willoughby:
Bull nothin it's a fact.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Ride 'Em Cowboy - Di Maggio's Continued Success in Baseball
Willoughby: [a newspaper blows into their car during a chase]
Hey! Di Maggio got another hit!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Time of Their Lives - The Mystery of Cuthbert's Survival
Horatio Prim:
Cuthbert, Melody, it's Cuthbert! He's still alive!
Melody Allen:
How can that be?
Horatio Prim:
I don't know, they say only the good die young.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Time of Their Lives - The Limits of Patience in Relationships
Melody Allen:
Horatio, be patient.
Horatio Prim:
Be patient? Melody, do you realize that my girlfriend Nora has been waiting for me for 165 years? And a girl will only wait so long, and no longer!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Time of Their Lives - Unexpected Confusion and Identity Misunderstanding
Horatio Prim: [he and Melody collide and are wearing each other's clothes]
Odds bodkins, we're all mixed up!
Horatio Prim:
Melody, don't ever do that again, I'm a boy!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In Society - The Consequences of Betrayal Among Friends
Drexel: [Grabs a big glass paper weight then looks into it]
You know I never told you fellas this but I'm quite a fortune teller. I can see into the future. I see two plumbers they're doing pretty good.
Albert Mansfield:
More competition.
Drexel:
But they're double-crossing a friend of theirs who gave them their start.
Albert Mansfield:
That's what I call being ungrateful. I have no use for those kind of people.
Drexel:
This friend of theirs is getting mad. Now he wants them to cooperate with him or pay back the money he gave them. He's giving them till six o'clock tonight to get it.
Eddie Harrington:
But suppose they can't get it by six o'clock tonight?
Drexel: [Hands the paper weight to Albert and leaves]
Then I see two plumbers floating down the river and one of them's a little fat guy.
Eddie Harrington:
What's the matter?
Albert Mansfield:
The joke is on him.
Eddie Harrington:
Why?
Albert Mansfield:
I can't swim.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In Society - Unexpected Moments of Undressing
Pipps:
Well sir if I may start undressing you now?
Albert Mansfield:
You're gonna undress me?
Pipps:
Yes sir.
Albert Mansfield:
The last person that ever undressed me was my mother and that was a year ago.
Pipps:
A year ago?
Albert Mansfield:
You gotta start to learn to undress yourself sometime or other by yourself. Don't you?
Pipps:
Right.
Albert Mansfield:
Quite
Pipps:
Right.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In Society - A Misunderstanding Over a Bath Request
Pipps:
Gentlemen your bath is drawn.
Albert Mansfield:
Erase it.
Pipps:
What?
Albert Mansfield:
Rub it out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In Society - Conversation About the Plumbing Business
Drexel:
How's the plumbing business?
Eddie Harrington:
Alright.
Albert Mansfield:
We manage to keep our head above water.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
In Society - Truth Behind the Disappearance
Albert Mansfield:
Lady, he ain't dead, he's hiding!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dance with Me, Henry - A Surprising Reaction to Brutality
Miss Mayberry:
I've never witnessed such brutality, not in all my years!
Lou Henry:
Wow, that's a long time!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dance with Me, Henry - Information Exchange in a Tense Moment
Big Frank:
Little fat man, your partner's got some information we want. I think maybe you got the information too since you were there when it happened.
Lou Henry:
What happened?
Big Frank:
When the D.A. was knocked off.
Lou Henry:
I was unconscious when it happened.
Big Frank:
If it'll help your memory, we can easily render you unconscious again.
Bud Flick:
You've got it all wrong, Big Frank. He's just naturally unconscious.
Lou Henry: [Smiles]
Thanks, Bud!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dance with Me, Henry - A Conversation About Breathing Techniques
Bud Flick:
Keep your mouth shut.
Lou Henry:
I will not. I breathe through my mouth.
Bud Flick:
Well, breathe through your nose.
Lou Henry:
Do you breathe through your nose?
Bud Flick:
Yes.
Lou Henry:
Then you keep your mouth shut!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Dance with Me, Henry - Misunderstandings Between Lou and Bud
Lou Henry:
What are you mad about? Can I help it if it didn't take any brains to fix it?
Bud Flick:
If it took any brains, would I need you?
Lou Henry:
I don't know.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the Foreign Legion - Shared Discontent After a Fall
Bud Jones:
I'm not the least bit happy with that fall!
Lou Hotchkiss:
That makes two of us.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in the Foreign Legion - Humor in Unusual Wrestling Scenarios
Bud Jones: [[idea]
What's the ] of teaching midgets to wrestle?
Lou Hotchkiss:
They're for those small television sets.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Pardon My Sarong - Facing Danger in the Temple
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola: [after being told he has to go into the temple on top of a volcano, from which no one has ever returned]
I'll go up there into that temple. I'll face danger.
Algernon Algy Shaw:
I knew you would.
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola:
I don't care if the boogeyman's in there.
Algernon Algy Shaw:
Thatta boy.
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola:
There's only one thing I want you to do.
Algernon Algy Shaw:
What's that?
Wellington Pflug, aka Moola:
Talk me out of it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Hollywood - Fear of Blood in a Shaving Scene
Abercrombie:
Let's see...I've got the shaving lather, the razor, and the smelling salts.
Rags Ragland:
What are the smelling salts for?
Abercrombie:
I faint at the sight of blood.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Hollywood - A Conversation About Sleeplessness and Solutions
Buzz Kurtis:
You can't sleep?
Abercrombie:
No.
Buzz Kurtis: [He leaves the room and returns with a phonograph record]
I've got just the thing for you. Don't go away. Well, pal, here it is.
Abercrombie:
What do you got there?
Buzz Kurtis: [reading the label]
Go To Sleep with Dr. Caswell Snide.
Abercrombie:
Oh, no! I wanna sleep alone!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello in Hollywood - Memorable Faces and Lasting Impressions
Abercrombie:
A face like mine is hard to forget.
Buzz Kurtis:
How do you know?
Abercrombie:
I've been tryin for years!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff - Unanswered Question About a Gun's Origin
Casey Edwards:
Freddie, where did you that gun?
Freddie Phillips:
I don't know.
Casey Edwards:
Freddie, for the last time! Where did you get that gun?
Freddie Phillips:
I don't know.
Casey Edwards:
Where did you get that gun?
Freddie Phillips:
Hey, that's not fair. You said "for the last time". I answered it.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff - A Conversation About Death and Perception
Abernathy:
Things have been awfully dead around here.
Freddie Phillips:
Much deader than you think.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff - Searching for Answers in a Mystery
Insp. Wellman:
Were you and Relia in cahoots?
Freddie Phillips: [having seen Relia's body]
The last time I saw Relia, he didn't talk to me.
Insp. Wellman:
If I could only find Relia. I could make him talk.
Freddie Phillips:
If you could, that would be a good trick.
Sgt. Stone:
He could make him talk. You don't know Wellman.
Freddie Phillips:
You don't know Relia.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff - A Misunderstanding About a Deceased Person
Casey Edwards:
It's Milford. Strickland's secretary.
Freddie Phillips:
What's he hangin around here for?
Casey Edwards:
He's hang — He's dead, you dope.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff - Reflections on Luck and Regret
Freddie Phillips:
Ain't I a lucky stiff? Lucky stiff? I should've never left Paterson.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Abbott and Costello Go to Mars - Claiming Mars for America
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Abbott and Costello Go to Mars - Orville's Responsibilities After Jet Ship Flight
Miss Frances Planey:
Orville, after you've finished flying the jet ships for the children, bring them back to the orphanage. Then cut the lawn and water the plants.
Orville:
All right, Miss Planey.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Here Come the Co-Eds - Dislike of Dancing and Its Music
Oliver Quackenbush:
I really don't like dancing because it's nothing but hugging set to music.
Woman in Trailer:
What don't you like about it?
Oliver Quackenbush:
The music.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - Miscommunication Between Friends
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I'm saying.
Dexter Broadhurst:
You're not saying that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Excuse me, folks.
Dexter Broadhurst:
It's all right. I'm sorry, folks.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally. Well, say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I'm saying.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I throw the ball to first base.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Then Who gets it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
He better get it.
Dexter Broadhurst:
That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Hmmph.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Hmmph.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Uh-huh.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yeah. It could be.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.
Dexter Broadhurst:
What was that?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I said, I don't care.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - Repetitive Exchange Between Characters
Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who has it?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Okay.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Okay.
Dexter Broadhurst:
All right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, that's it. Say it that way.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I said.
Dexter Broadhurst:
You did not.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
You don't. You throw it to Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
Dexter Broadhurst:
No. You throw the ball to first base.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - A Catcher's Name Revealed
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You gotta catcher?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The catcher's name?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Today.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now you've got it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Gotta catcher?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm a good catcher, too, you know.
Dexter Broadhurst:
I know that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I might arrange that.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now, that's the first thing you've said right.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, that's all you have to do.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Is to throw it to first base.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now who's got it?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - A Conversation About Center Field
Dexter Broadhurst:
Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Because.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Center field.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You don't want to tell me today?
Dexter Broadhurst:
I'm telling you, man.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then go ahead.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Tomorrow.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What time?
Dexter Broadhurst:
What time what?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on...
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Then why come up here and ask?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Dexter Broadhurst:
What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.
Both:
Third base!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - Confusion Over Base Players' Names
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What is the fellow's name on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst:
What is the fellow's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not askin ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.
Both:
Third base!
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You got a outfield?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, sure.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
St. Louis has got a good outfield?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The left fielder's name?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Why.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then tell me who's playing left field.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Stay out of the infield!
Dexter Broadhurst:
Don't mention their names out there.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.
Dexter Broadhurst:
What is on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now take it easy, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
And the left fielder's name?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - Discussion on Game Strategy and Players
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, don't change the players around.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not changing nobody.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now, take it easy.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What's the guy's name on first base?
Dexter Broadhurst:
What's the guy's name on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not askin ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst:
He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
How did I get on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst:
You mentioned his name.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Dexter Broadhurst:
No, who's playing first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Stay offa first, will ya?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, what do you want me to do?
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now what's the guy's name on third base?
Dexter Broadhurst:
What's on second.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.
Dexter Broadhurst:
He's on third.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
There I go, back on third again.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I can't change their names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Please. Now what is it you want to know?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - Confusion Over a Baseball Player's Identity
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, go ahead and tell me!
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The guy on first.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The first baseman.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Have you got a first baseman on first?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Certainly.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then who's playing first?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who is?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
So who gets it?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Whose wife?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes. After all, the man earns it.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who does?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Absolutely.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not asking you who's on second.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I'm trying to find out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - The Peculiar Nature of Nicknames
Dexter Broadhurst:
Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Funny names?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Nicknames. Nicknames.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Funnier than that?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have {{W|Who's on First?|Who's on first}}, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
Dexter Broadhurst:
I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You know the fellows names?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, then, who's playin first?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The fellow playin first base for St. Louis.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The guy on first base.
Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, what are you askin me for?
Dexter Broadhurst:
I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first.
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm asking you who's on first!
Dexter Broadhurst:
That's the man's name!
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's whose name?
Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
The Naughty Nineties - Chewing Gum and Attire Etiquette
Dexter Broadhurst:
Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit!
Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm chewin it in my mouth.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Keep 'Em Flying - Aerial Emergency and Comedic Responses
Pilot:
The motor is conking out! You two better bail out!
Heathcliff:
We're 5,000 feet in the air and this guy wants me to look for a bondsman?!?
Blackie:
No! Jump with your chute on!
Heathcliff:
Whaddya think I'm gonna do, jump in my underwear?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Keep 'Em Flying - Forgotten Commitment to Stay at Home
Heathcliff:
I gotta go home, I forgot something!
Blackie:
What'd you forget?
Heathcliff:
I forgot to stay there!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Keep 'Em Flying - Devil's Company in a Barroom
Blackie:
No, you don't want to drink. Remember, every time you go into a barroom, the Devil goes in with you.
Heathcliff:
If he does, he buys his own drink.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Africa Screams - Discussion of Salary Raise
Buzz Johnson:
Mr Livington, what about that raise I've been asking for?
Stanley Livington:
I'll talk to my partner if he's in.
Buzz Johnson:
Thank you, Sir.
Stanley Livington:
He's in.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Africa Screams - Forgotten Items and the Journey Home
Stanley Livington: [while in Africa]
So if I draw the map I can go home?
Buzz Johnson:
What do you want to go home for?
Stanley Livington:
I forgot something.
Buzz Johnson:
What did you forget?
Stanley Livington:
I forgot to stay there.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Africa Screams - Fear of Animals Rooted in Childhood Experience
Buzz Johnson:
I can't understand why you have this terrible fear of animals in you. What is it?
Stanley Livington:
When I was a little baby I was scared by my piggy bank.
Buzz Johnson:
That's nonsense.
Stanley Livington:
You wanna hear something worse?
Buzz Johnson:
What?
Stanley Livington:
I was 15 years old before I ate my first animal cracker.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Africa Screams - Fearlessness in the Face of Adversity
Stanley Livington:
I'm not afraid of nothing . Not even you. I'm a pretty brave kid. I don't care about kittens. I don't care how big the kittens are.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Africa Screams - Dreams vs. Reality in Romance
Stanley Livington:
That's the kind of girl I dream about. But you should see the ones I get.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - Limitations of Abilities and Expectations
Rita:
What can you do?
Wishy:
Nuthin'. And we don't do THAT well, either.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - Aspirations and Humorous Realities of Life
Wishy:
I want to be like the Rangers when I die. I want to die with my boots on.
Doc:
Why?
Wishy:
I got holes in my socks.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - Last Minute Decisions and Communication
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - Misunderstanding in a Heated Conversation
Ricardo Montera:
It's a code.
Wishy:
I don't think so. It's pretty hot in here.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - A Request for a Memorable Farewell
Wishy:
If I'm the one that gets killed, get twenty-five beautiful girls to walk around me.
Doc:
Why?
Wishy:
If I don't get up, then you know I'm dead.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - A Conversation About Education and Change
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - Commitment Over Divorce: A Fight to the End
Wishy:
I don't believe in divorce. I believe in a fight to the finish!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Rio Rita - Introduction of a Character Relation
Wishy: [[w:Bulldog Drummond|Bulldog Drummond]
You ever hear of ]? I'm his cousin, Cocker Spaniel.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
One Night in the Tropics - Understanding the Nature of Marriage
Costello:
He's gonna make a wonderful husband.
Abbott:
You don't even know what a husband is.
Costello:
A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
One Night in the Tropics - Humor in Misunderstanding Smoking Rules
Abbott:
Put that out. There's no smoking in here.
Costello:
What makes you think I'm smokin'?
Abbott:
You've got a cigar in your mouth!
Costello:
I've got shoes on... don't mean I'm walkin'.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein - Humorous Exchange About Meeting Dracula
Wilbur Grey:
Hey Chick, do you know what happens when you meet Dracula in the woods?
Chick Young:
I'll bite.
Wilbur Grey:
Uh-uh. You gotta stand in line!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein - Transformation Under the Full Moon
Larry Talbot:
I know you'll think I'm crazy, but... in a half-an-hour the moon will rise and I'll turn into a wolf.
Wilbur Grey:
You and 20 million other guys!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein - Embracing Unusual Transformations in Friendship
Larry Talbot:
Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.
Wilbur Grey:
Oh pal. That's all right; I'm sort of a wolf myself.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein - Self-Reflection and Insecurity Among Friends
Chick Young:
I don't get it. Out of all the guys around here, that classy dish has to pick out a guy like you.
Wilbur Grey:
What's wrong with that?
Chick Young:
Go look at yourself in the mirror sometime.
Wilbur Grey:
Why should I hurt my own feelings?
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein - Union Hours and Memberships Discussed
Wilbur Grey:
That's gonna cost you overtime because I'm a union man and I work only sixteen hours a day.
McDougal:
A union man only works eight hours a day.
Wilbur Grey:
I belong to two unions.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein - A Cautionary Warning About Bad Deals
Wilbur Grey: [to Frankenstein's Monster]
Don't let em do it to you, Frankie. It's a bad deal. I've had this brain for 30 years and it ain't worked right yet!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man - Facing Fears in the Boxing Ring
Tommy Nelson:
Don't worry. I'll be in the ring with you, dying to take a crack at Rocky!
Lou Francis:
And I'll be in there just plain dying.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man - Concerns About an Invisible Driver
Bud Alexander:
I hope he's got his driver's license.
Lou Francis:
I hope he's in the car!
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man - Urgency Amidst a Rowing Challenge
Lou Francis:
What are you doing?
Punch-drunk fighter: [on a rowing machine]
Rowing. I gotta be in Staten Island in twenty minutes.
Lou Francis:
You better hurry, the tide's going out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet the Invisible Man - Perception of Reality and Disappearance
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist:
I know, you saw this man disappear into thin air. Do you always see things?
Lou Francis:
Only when my eyes are open.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist:
Did you ever see somebody disappear before?
Lou Francis:
Yes sir, I have.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist:
This may explain it, seeing things. When did this happen?
Lou Francis:
One day me and my brother were walking down the street... my brother disappeared.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist:
Into thin air?
Lou Francis:
No, into a man hole.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist:
How about voices? Do you ever hear strange voices?
Lou Francis:
Yes sir.
Dr. James C. Turner, Police Psychiatrist:
Aha, and when do you hear these strange voices?
Lou Francis:
When I get the wrong number on the telephone.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.