Martin LawrenceQuotes

Earl Montgomery: [''After narrowly being stung by a bee''] Is it gone? Everything's okay?

Denise: [''Upon discovering he let Hank go to prison for a bogus race crime''; ''Punches him in the mouth''] Not from you!

Earl Montgomery: [''Reeling from being smacked in the jaw''] Did she have to hit me that hard?

Sherry: [jumping into bed beside "Big Momma" during the storm] I remember how it used to storm like this when I was a little girl. You would wrap your arms around me, and it felt like nothing in the world could ever hurt me.

Malcolm Turner: [wrapping his arms around Sherry] It feels so damn good.

Sherry: [feeling a jab in her back from Malcolm's "arousal"] Big Momma, what's that?

Malcolm Turner: [pulls out a flashlight] That's just my flashlight. The storm knocked out all the power so I had to get a big ol flashlight.

Sherry: [interrupting the conversation they were having when she feels another jab in the back] Big Momma, is there another flashlight under there?

Basketball Teen #1: Oh, so Granny think she got game?

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Momma] Oh yes, I got game. And I got two words for you: I'm back.

Basketball Teen #2: You too fat to be ballin'!

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Momma] Say what? You look like a damn shaved bird!

Ben: I've been waiting on this moment ever since I first laid eyes on you.

Malcolm Turner: Ben, whatever you started in that bed, trust me, you're going to finish alone!

Sherry: Oh, it's so good to see you, Big Momma. I thought you may forgotten all about me.

Malcolm Turner: Shut your mouth, child. Oh, Big Momma could never forget that ass...

Sherry: What?

Malcolm Turner: ...ma. Asthma. Do you remember you had asthma?

Malcolm Turner: I've seen a lot of scary shit in my days... but damn, that was a lot of ass!

John: [while icing his balls] I think I need a splint or something.

Marcus Burnett: You better do something quick, cause we're running out of road.

Marcus Burnett: [''Trying to imitate Mike''] Hello, this is Mike Low-rey.

Captain Howard: He doesn't talk that way. Try to talk like him, like him! Try to talk sexy. Sexy, you don't talk sexy enough!

Marcus Burnett: Cap, Cap! I've been there.

Theresa Burnett: [''Slams bedroom door shut''] And you don't even have your wedding ring on.

Marcus Burnett: [''Sighs''] Damn. Um. Naw Naw I went undercover. And it uh required the taking off of the ring that's all for a second. But I got the ring, look I just put my hand in my pocket cos that's where it was and it's right back on baby. Damn. Can I get a pillow?

Marcus Burnett: [''While pursuing Fouchet, who is up ahead in a roadster''] You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law.

Mike Lowrey: Yo man, what the fuck are you doing?

Marcus Burnett: Getting it out the way.

Marcus Burnett: Oh, man, that was cold.

Detective Sanchez: Yeah, so was your mama's bed.

Store Clerk: [''Pointing gun at Mike''; ''Points gun at Marcus''] I blow you! And I blow you!

Marcus Burnett: Blow me? What the fuck? Naw-naw. Hump me, all right?

Mike Lowrey: You know what man? I'm so sick of this bull-shit. What, I'm supposed to apologize for my family leaving me money? All I ever wanted to be was a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first guy through the door and I'm always the last one to leave the crime scene. So you know what? Fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck everybody that's got a problem with Mike Lowrey.

Marcus Burnett: I love you, man.

Mike Lowrey: Fuck you, Marcus.

Marcus Burnett: I do. You're cool. You're my boy.

Mike Lowrey: Shut up, shut up, Marcus. Slow-ass driver. Drivin like a bitch. Slow-ass.

Marcus Burnett: Why I gotta be all that? I'll take you and me off this fuckin cliff if you keep fuckin with me. Then it'll be, what, two bitches in the sea? Huh, is that it? Is that what you want?

Mike Lowrey: Shut up, Marcus.

Marcus Burnett: My wife knows I ain't no bitch. I'm a bad boy.

Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett: [''singing''] Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Julie Mott: [''Half-tired''] No...no...no...

Marcus Burnett: [''Notices Julie staring at his sandwich''] Want some?

Julie Mott: No, thanks. I don't eat flesh.

Marcus Burnett: Say what?

Julie Mott: That's flesh that you're shoveling into your mouth. You know, that was, like, a living, breathing creature. You know, it probably had a name.

Marcus Burnett: [[w:Oscar_Mayer#Advertisements|My bologna has a first name] It's just bologna. ]?

Julie Mott: Actually, your bologna, has about thirty names because they take odd parts from all different ones, like the leftovers: The hooves and stomach lining...

Julie Mott: ...ears, stuff like that. They put it into this machine and grind it all up. Then out comes this sheet. That's what you're eating now.

Marcus Burnett: [''Loss of appetite''] You know what? I won't eat bologna no more. How about a pickle? Can I eat the pickle?

Julie Mott: It has a lot of salt in it, but it's fine. It is a vegetable.

Marcus Burnett: A lot of salt in the pickle? Let me rinse it off.

Marcus Burnett: [''Takes a bite out of the rinsed pickle''] There we go. How's that?

Julie Mott: [''To the mugshots''] Just keep going.

Marcus Burnett: I don't even taste the salt now.

Store Clerk: Hey, freeze bitch!

Mike Lowrey: You freeze, bitch!

Store Clerk: Oh, shit! I'm fucked.

Mike Lowrey: [[w:List of chewing gum brands#B|a pack of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious] Now back up, put the gun down, and get me ].

Marcus Burnett: [[w:skittles|Skittles] And some ].

Mike Lowrey: Hello?

Marcus Burnett: We're your new neighbors.

Mike Lowrey: Don't be alarmed, we're Negros.

Marcus Burnett: [''In high pitched voice''] Naw man, naw. There's too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound like them. We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar?

Mike Lowrey: What the hell are you doin'?

Marcus Burnett: Keepin my shit quick.

Mike Lowrey: Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off.

Captain Howard: Ho! What did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said cause I was standing there when I said it. I told you. I told you to secure a witness. Not to shoot up a neighborhood! Not to do another dead body! Just get the dope back, and do it quietly.

Marcus Burnett: Look, Captain, this whole situation is getting out of control.

Captain Howard: You're goddamn right it's getting out of control!

Marcus Burnett: Look, man, I damn near had to pass a pop quiz before she believed I was him.

Captain Howard: [''Shoots the ball''; ''Missed shot''] Going, it's going... Shit. A little off.

Mike Lowrey: I haven't killed anybody yet today, Captain.

Captain Howard: Hey, do you want me to yell at you? Cause I can do that. Let me tell you something. This witness—is my only good news I got, okay? The only good news. You guys are bad news. So what does that mean? It means if you have to be Mike Lowrey, Santa Claus, FD Hutton—I don't give a shit, that's what you're gonna be!

Mike Lowrey: Wait a minute, what the hell is going on here?

Captain Howard: [''Missed another shot''] I was getting them all in before you showed up.

Mike Lowrey: Can somebody talk to me, please? Can I know what's going on?

Marcus Burnett: Captain, these fools could have gotten a look at my license plate last night.

Captain Howard: So where's the girl now?

Marcus Burnett: [''Points to Mike''] ...His place.

Mike Lowrey: What!?

Captain Howard: You left her by herself? Our only fucking witness?!

Mike Lowrey: You left a strange hooker alone in my apartment?!

Marcus Burnett: The girl is not a hooker, as far as I know. See, I had to stash her someplace. Her and her dogs, Luke and Dukie.

Mike Lowrey: Oh, so y-you left dogs in my house? There's dogs and a hooker in my house? How about you add some chimps, we can have a carnival.

Marcus Burnett: [''Talking over Mike''] I said she isn't a hooker. Can you please—

Mike Lowrey: [''Talking over Marcus''] Respect my stuff—

Captain Howard: [''To Marcus] Shut up!! For years, Sinclair has been up my ass, trying to pin something on me. I'm always taking it for you. Do it for me! Now, if we can get this witness to IDs our shooters, maybe we catch our bad guys. But until then—until then— ] YOU are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him—

Marcus Burnett: [''Talking over Howard''] But I—

Captain Howard: [''Talking over Marcus''; ''to Mike''; ''To Marcus''; ''To Mike''; ''Takes another shot and misses''] You're him—I don't wanna hear it! You're him! And you, you're you, you be you, but...not in front of her. You're him! You're you! Fuck!

Mike Lowrey: Can we get a time-out, Captain? What am I, the designated homeless?

Captain Howard: Does it look like I care? Whatever it takes, all right? Whatever it takes. What did she say to you? The shooters are making their drop in four days? So we got four days.

Marcus Burnett: Captain! What kind of plan is that, man? I can't be shacked up with that woman. I have a family to look after. My wife will kill my ass!

Captain Howard: [''Missed another shot''] You don't like your job? Quit. Damn!

Mike Lowrey: Look, I'll stay at the house with Theresa and the kids.

Marcus Burnett: Thank you—Thank you, but no thank you. You wouldn't last five minutes with my family.

Mike Lowrey: [''Picks up a basketball''] Please, married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.

Marcus Burnett: [[The Cosby Show|Cosbys] Yo, man, we ain't the ].

Mike Lowrey: [''In position to shoot''] Let's go, I got this.

Captain Howard: Go.

Mike Lowrey: [''Posing''; [w:Be Like Mike|be like Mike] Everybody wants to ].

Captain Howard: [[w:Michael_Jordan#First_retirement_and_stint_in_Minor_League_Baseball_(1993–1994)|retired like him] Yeah, and you're going to be ], too.

Marcus Burnett: [''Walks off from the court''] I'd have dunked it on your ass...

Mike Lowrey: [''To the White Carjacker holding a gun to his head''] Let me tell you how bad a day you're having: right now you're jacking a couple of cops.

White Carjacker: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. And I suck! That's why I need your car.

Marcus Burnett: [''To the Black Carjacker''; [Wesley Snipes] Look, now I ain't no ]! I just hang out with stupid-ass friends, that drive stupid-ass cars, that attract a lot of motherfuckin attention!

Mike Lowrey: You know what? I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy-ass head. That's what I need to do.

Marcus Burnett: Well, you know what? You're arguin over a motherfuckin french fry.

Mike Lowrey: It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property!

White Carjacker: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!

Black Carjacker: Shut the fuck up!

Mike Lowrey: That shit is stupid!

White Carjacker: Shut up, shut up!

Marcus Burnett: [''To the Black Carjacker''] Hold-- Hold the fuck on!

Black Carjacker: Forget this!

Marcus Burnett: [''To Mike''] Alright, now, you want some bad enough? Come get some!

Marcus Burnett: [''Pointing gun at the Black Carjacker, who is on the ground''; [w:Passenger 57|Wesley Snipes, "Passenger 57"!] You like that shit? ] Now gimme a motherfuckin Handy Wipe!

Mike Lowrey: [''Pointing gun at the White Carjacker, who is on the ground''] Now let's hear one of those jokes, bitch.

Mike Lowrey: Hey-hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car?

Marcus Burnett: Please, man. I'm not getting my sex at home. Don't-don't deny me this.

Mike Lowrey: What are you talking about? You sleep with a beautiful woman every night.

Marcus Burnett: I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none.

Mike Lowrey: Why don't you watch it with all that shit, man?

Marcus Burnett: I got this!

Mike Lowrey: But you don't though!

Mike Lowrey: You got hit?

Marcus Burnett: No, black jelly bean! Nobody likes that shit!

Mike Lowrey: Windshield wiper fluid is inflammable!

Marcus Burnett: [''The car is on fire and crashes''] I ain't no damn scientist!

Marcus Burnett: [''Entering a [[w:trailer park|trailer park; [w:Jurassic Park|Jurassic Park] It's like redneck ] in here!

Marcus Burnett: [''In a flaming van''] Everybody relax, the fire's on the outside... now it's on the inside!

Marcus Burnett: [''Confronting an alligator''; ''Alligator backs away''; ''Alligator attacks Marcus''] Begone, gator. I rebuke you! See, Mike, that's how you command the universe. That motherfucker racist, Mike! That motherfucker racist!