Martin Short Quotes

Captain Ron

Learning to Navigate the Unknown Ocean

Martin Harvey We don't know how to drive a boat.

Captain Ron The best way to find out Kitty is to get her out on the ocean. If anything is going to happen, it's going to happen out there.

Katherine Harvey But we don't even have supplies.

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Captain Ron

Pirates and Cars in Cuba

Benjamin Harvey All right! They're pirates of the Caribbean, just like you said Captain Ron.

[being chased by pirates]

Captain Ron Yeah, squirt. Pirates are easy to deal with. It's the Cuban cops that you gotta worry about. Grand theft auto is a major biggie here in Cuba.

Martin Harvey Grand theft auto? You stole this car?

Captain Ron Nah, I didn't steal it, boss. I borrowed it. Sort of...

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Captain Ron

Discussion on Captain Ron's Abilities

Martin Harvey What do you think about Captain Ron? I mean, uh, I would be certainly willing to provide someone else if you're not comfortable with him. I think it's important that you're, uh...

Katherine Harvey No, I think he's fine... I mean, he seems to know what he's doing. He was in the Navy.

Martin Harvey Yeah, yeah, all right... What about the eye thing, though?

Katherine Harvey Oh, honey! I would never fire anybody because they were physically challenged. Frankly, I admire him. I mean, really, when you think about the way he parked that boat. It was unbelievable - I mean, especially for somebody with no depth perception as we know it.

Martin Harvey Oh, yeah, yeah, he's good...

[not sounding completely convinced of that notion]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Innerspace

Questioning Health in Unusual Circumstances

Jack Putter Would I be in a doctor's office if I was feeling all right?

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Captain Ron

A Casual Conversation About an Eye Injury

Benjamin Harvey Man. What happened to your eye?

Martin Harvey Ben.

Katherine Harvey Sweetie, that's rude.

Captain Ron No, that's alright. Shark attack, swab.

Benjamin Harvey A shark ate your eye?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Captain Ron

Embracing the Thrill of Adventure at Sea

Martin Harvey Isn't this great? Look at this! Open ocean, uncharted islands... Who knows what's waiting for us out there? Come here. Log entry: Day two. The adventure begins! What a thrill it is to be leaving the turmoil of civilization behind us!

[Captain Ron has left Martin at the wheel to pilot the boat alone. His wife comes and stands next to him; hugs his wife]

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Innerspace

Plea for Relief from Pain

Jack Putter Please, I beg of you for some aspirin!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Father of the Bride Part II

A Casual Farewell from Two Vastnick

Franck Eggelhoffer Two Vastnick is like, "Bye, George! See you next Thursday!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Innerspace

A Character's Claim of Possession

Jack Putter I'M POSSESSED!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Captain Ron

Unexpected Items in a Game of Monopoly

Martin Harvey What's this?

[Walks down to the Ship's Cabin]

Caroline Harvey Monopoly.

Martin Harvey No, this.

[Holding a handgun]

Benjamin Harvey Two .45's and a Mac-10.

Caroline Harvey It's this total macho trip, Dad, just ignore it.

Martin Harvey Where'd they come from?

Benjamin Harvey Captain Ron traded the Guerrillas for em.

Captain Ron Yeah, I thought we'd ought to have them, Boss. Cause, you know, we're gettin into pirate waters, here, pretty quick.

Martin Harvey What pirates?

Captain Ron Pirates, of the Caribbean.

Martin Harvey Been to Disney World one too many times, have we, Captain Ron?

Benjamin Harvey It's true, Dad! They come up on you in high speed boats!

Captain Ron You know, I don't believe I've been to Disney World...I've been to DollyWood.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Captain Ron

Stranded Without Resources in Unknown Territory

Katherine Harvey What are we going to do?

Martin Harvey What can we do? Look around you. The sun is almost up. We are marooned in an unfriendly country. We have no luggage, no money, no passports and worse still... no reason or explanation for even being here!

Katherine Harvey But we have our boat.

Martin Harvey No dear. If you'll look again, you'll notice that the pirates have our boat.

Caroline Harvey Now, wait a minute. That's our boat. We should do something.

Martin Harvey What are you saying?

Katherine Harvey I think she's saying that if the pirates have our boat, we should take it back from them. I say we fight them.

Martin Harvey Bloodthirsty, heavily armed Cuban pirates against the Harvey clan? It would take a miracle.

Benjamin Harvey Look! It's Captain Ron!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

¡Three Amigos!

Facing Fear with Courage and Resolve

Ned Nederlander Tell us we will die like dogs.

[whispers]

El Guapo You will die like dogs!

Dusty Bottoms No, we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

¡Three Amigos!

Tequila Confusion Among Three Amigos

Bartender We don't have no beer, just tequila.

Ned Nederlander What's tequila?

Bartender ...It's like beer...

Dusty Bottoms Is it fattening?

Bartender ...Fat-ten-ing?

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Captain Ron

Navigating Uncertainty at Sea

Captain Ron The boss is right. We should be okay. Cause I know we're near land.

[in a heavy storm]

Martin Harvey Great, Cap. Great. Ya hear that? We're almost there. Explain to the kids how you know that, Captain Ron. Someone translate for General Armando.

Captain Ron Alright, now stay with me: When we left, we had just enough fuel to make it to San Juan. And now... we are out of fuel!

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

Captain Ron

Incentive System on Shipboard Duties

Captain Ron Hey swab. C'mere. Listen up. Now, the way it works shipboard is, you do your job. You do it good, you get a better job. Maybe you get promoted from swab to mate.

[to Ben]

Captain Ron Alright. Get on it.

Captain Ron Sort've an incentive kind of a deal, huh?

[to Martin]

Martin Harvey Ah. Good.

Captain Ron Yeah, incentives are important. I learned that in rehab.

Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.

¡Three Amigos!

Ned's Encounter with Dorothy Gish

Ned Nederlander One time, ] was visiting me on the set of "Little Neddy, Grab Your Gun". And she came up to me and she looked me in the face and - I'd never met her, I'd just known her on films, you know, Dorothy Gish, Lillian's sister - and she looked me in the eyes and she said, "Young man, you have got it." And. Ah! Dorothy Gish. It's a true story.

[[w:Dorothy Gish|Dorothy Gish]

Father of the Bride Part II

Surprise at Fatherhood and New Life

Franck Eggelhoffer Father of the bride and a baby? GET OUT OF TOWN.

Alice in Wonderland

A Curious Question about Ravens and Desks

Alice Why is a raven like a writing desk? You know I-I'm pretty sure I can guess.

[thinking about the riddle]

The March Hare You mean you think you know the answer?

Alice Yes.

The March Hare Well, then, you should say what you mean.

Alice Well, I do. At-at least, at least I mean what I say, that-that is the same thing.

Mad Hatter It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I eat what I see" is the same thing as "I see what I eat!

The March Hare You might as well say "I like what I get" is the same as "I get what I like!

[eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter; whacks the pie]

The Dormouse Aah! You-you, or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe.

[talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake; nods off]

Mad Hatter Well, it is the same thing with you.

[chuckles]

Captain Ron

Navigating Chaos on the Water

Martin Harvey Slow down! There's boats all over the place!

Captain Ron Don't worry. They'll get out of the way. I learned that driving the Saratoga.

¡Three Amigos!

Dreams of Wealth and Adventure

Dusty Bottoms Hey, Lucky, what are you gonna do with your share of the money?

Lucky Day A car. A big, shiny silver car. I'll drive all over Hollywood. Show Flugleman a thing or two. What about you?

[thinks]

Dusty Bottoms New York. Maybe Paris. Champagne. Parties. I'll be a big shot for a while.

Lucky Day Yeah.

Dusty Bottoms How about you, Ned?

Ned Nederlander I'm gonna start a foundation to help homeless children.

Dusty Bottoms That occurred to me to do that at one point, too.

[he and Lucky realize how selfless that is compared to their ideas]

Lucky Day Well, I meant that I would do that first, and then I would get a big shiny car.

Captain Ron

Learning the Importance of Preparation

Martin Harvey You gotta learn the basics.

[stressing to his family that they need to learn all the things about seamanship that Capt. Ron is trying to drill into them]

Captain Ron And, you gotta be prepared.

Martin Harvey That's right...

Captain Ron I'm not talkin Boy Scout prepared, I mean big-time prepared.

Martin Harvey Well, prepared for any kind of normal accident...

[downplaying it]

Captain Ron This is the Caribbean, guys. "El Caribe." The Spanish Main. The land of hoo-doo and voodoo and all kinda weird shit.

Benjamin Harvey Whoa!

Memorable Quotes from Martin Short