Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) - Tensions Rise Over Publicity Decisions
Jake: [sighs; takes a deep breath, then looks up at Riggan]
Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. Guys in publicity now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. What are you doing?
Riggan: [takes down a Birdman poster]
I don't want to look at this anymore.
Jake:
That was a present from the crew. Don't fuck with those guys. They're union.
Riggan:
I don't care.
Jake:
How'd it go?
Riggan:
Good.
Jake:
They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The motherfucker did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital.
Riggan:
What'd you say?
Jake:
What did I say?
Riggan: [unable to find a good spot for the poster]
Shit. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this?
Jake:
I said, "You motherfucker, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said.
Riggan:
What pictures?
Jake:
He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away.
Riggan:
That's right. That's great.
Jake:
Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing.
Riggan:
What?
Jake:
We don't have an actor.
Riggan:
Uh-huh.
Jake:
And if we cancel the first preview, the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all.
Riggan:
Okay, what do you think I should do?
Jake:
Well, we hired an understudy. Let's use the understudy.
Riggan:
No.
Jake: [someone knocks on the door]
Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know?
Lesley:
Can I talk to you for a second?
Riggan:
Yeah, what's up?
Lesley:
Did you find another actor?
Riggan:
No.
Lesley:
Okay, well, Mike's available.
Riggan:
He is?
Lesley:
Mm-hmm.
Jake:
Mike who?
Riggan:
I thought he was doing the thing...
Lesley:
He was. He quit...or got fired.
Jake:
Mike who?
Riggan:
Which is it, Quit or Fired?
Lesley:
Well, with Mike, it's usually both.
Jake:
Mike fucking who?
Lesley:
Shiner.
Jake:
YES!
Riggan:
Jake.
Jake:
Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?
Lesley:
We share a vagina.
Riggan:
You think he'd want to do it?
Lesley:
Mm-hmm.
Jake:
How do you know?
Lesley:
Cause he told me he'd want to do it.
Riggan:
Jake, Jake.
Jake:
Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets.
Riggan:
Fine, does he sell tickets?
Jake:
He sells a shitload of tickets.
Riggan:
Okay.
Jake:
Now ask me if the theater critics love him.
Riggan:
Do theater critics love him?
Jake:
They want to spooge on him.
Riggan: [to Jake, offended]
Hey.
Jake:
Lesley.
Lesley:
Right on his face.
Jake:
Everything for a reason, right?
Riggan:
You think he'd come in this evening?
Lesley:
I'll call him and find out.
Jake: [kisses Lesley; whispering; walks downstairs]
I'll call his agent. Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight.
Annie:
Who?
Jake:
You'll find out.
Quotes sourced from Wikiquote (© Wikiquote contributors), licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0. Modified for formatting/length.