Memorable Quotes from Michael McKean
20 quotesDiscussion on Vinyl Records and Their Quality
Alan Barrows
And they had no hole in the center of the record.
Mark Shubb
It would teeter crazily on the little spindle.
Jerry Palter
No, you had to provide it yourself. They were still good records. Good product.
Mark Shubb
If you punched a hole in them, you'd have a good time.
The Line Between Stupid and Clever
David St. Hubbins
It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...
Nigel Tufnel
Clever.
David St. Hubbins
Yeah, and clever.
Misunderstandings About Stage Props and Performance
David St. Hubbins
I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian Faith
I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.
Derek Smalls
Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.
The Unusual Saint of St. Hubbins
Marty DiBergi
David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins
It's an unusual name. Well, he was an unusual saint. He's not a very well-known saint.
Marty DiBergi
Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a St. Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins
That's right, yes.
Marty DiBergi
What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins
He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
The Nature of Endings and Infinity
David St. Hubbins
Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you.
[Asked by a reporter if this is the end of Spinal Tap]
Mysterious Circumstances Surrounding a Tragic Death
David St. Hubbins
He died in a bizarre gardening accident...
Nigel Tufnel
Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.
The Challenge of Perspective in Life
Nigel Tufnel
It really puts perspective on things though, doesn't it?
David St. Hubbins
Too much. There's too much fucking perspective now.
Sedation and its effects on feelings
David St. Hubbins
Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.
Unexpected Revelations in a Whodunit Dinner
Wadsworth
You see, like the Mounties, we always get our man!
Mr. Green
Mrs. Peacock was a man?!
Wadsworth
Would anyone care for fruit or dessert?
Town Opinions and Misunderstandings
Bailey
You don't like our little town very much. Do you, Mr. Walsh?
[''questioning a witness in court'']
Mr. Walsh
I have nothing against your town, Mr. Pruitt.
Bailey
Did you say, "What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this?
Miscommunication Among Band Members
Ian Faith
Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
David St. Hubbins
But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.
A Misunderstanding Among Unlikely Characters
Mrs. White
Are you a cop?
Mr. Green
No, I'm a plant.
Ms. Scarlet
A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green
Very funny. FBI. That call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me. I told you I didn't do it!
[displays a badge in his wallet; heads to the front door]
Chief
All right, who done it?
Mr. Green
They all did it! But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did, in the hall, with the revolver. Okay, Chief, take em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.
Frustration in a Small Town Encounter
John
You okay?
Mr. Walsh
No, I'm not okay! Do I look okay? The fucker shot me! What the fuck-ass fuck of a bum-fuck shithole town is this? I make a business call. I give him my card. And the hick-ass fucker shoots my foot off! Cock-fucking shit!
Discussion of Past Drummers in Spinal Tap
Marty DiBergi
Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
David St. Hubbins
Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
Nigel Tufnel
...Festival.
David St. Hubbins
Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
Nigel Tufnel
Blues jazz, really.
Derek Smalls
Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
Nigel Tufnel
It was in the Isle of, uh...
David St. Hubbins
Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
Nigel Tufnel
And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
Derek Smalls
Just like that.
David St. Hubbins
He just went up.
Nigel Tufnel
He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
David St. Hubbins
Look at his face.
[about Marty]
Nigel Tufnel
Well, there was...
David St. Hubbins
It's true, this really did happen.
Nigel Tufnel
It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
David St. Hubbins
Like a stain, really.
Nigel Tufnel
It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
David St. Hubbins
You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
Accusations Fly Over Mysterious Shooting
Professor Plum
It must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!
Mr. Green
I didn't do it!
Col. Mustard
Well, there's nobody else left!
Mr. Green
But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!
Wadsworth
I shot her.
Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mrs. White, Ms. Scarlet, Prof. Plum
You?!
Mr. Green
So it was you. I was going to expose you.
Wadsworth
I know. So I choose to expose myself.
Col. Mustard
Please! There are ladies present.
Wadsworth
You thought Mr. Boddy was dead, but why? None of you even met him until tonight.
Mr. Green
You're Mr. Boddy!
Prof. Plum
Wait a minute! So who did I kill?
Wadsworth
My butler.
Prof. Plum
Oh, shucks.
Wadsworth
He was expendable, like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.
Mrs. White
This all has nothing to do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband or Colonel Mustard's work on the new top secret fusion bomb?
Wadsworth
No. Communism is just a red herring.
Mr. Green
But the police will be here any minute. You'll never get away with this, any of you.
Wadsworth
Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.
Mrs. Peacock
You mean-- Oh, my God! Of course!
Wadsworth
So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.
Mr. Green
And you'll just- just go on blackmailing us all.
Wadsworth
Of course. Why not?
Mr. Green
Well, I'll tell you why not.
Wadsworth
Oh, good shot, Green! And very good.
[slumps to the floor, reaches a hand inside his coat, and looks at the blood on his fingers; He dies]
Unexpected Vehicle Troubles During a Traffic Stop
State Trooper
What the hell are you driving here?
Del
We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.
Trooper
Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Del
Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.
Trooper
Seventy-eight miles an hour.
Del
Yeah, I can buy that. You would know better than us, especially with a melted speedometer.
Trooper
Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del
Yes, I do. I really do. I know it's not pretty to look at, but it'll get you where you wanna go.
Trooper
You have no outside mirror.
Del
No, we lost that.
Trooper
You have no functioning gauges.
Del
No, not a one. However, the radio still works!
Eclectic Views on Relationships and Dog Ownership
Scott Donlan
She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.
Sherri Ann Cabot
Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say oh but he's so much older than you and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.
Stefan Vanderhoof
If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing.
Christy Cummings
We started this magazine, "American Bitch". It's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.
Embracing Change and True Identity in Music
Jerry Palter
Things have been going really well. We got some gigs here, working at the casinos. It has been a time of changes, but change is good. Change is life.
Mark Shubb
It was like a great big door opening for me... Town Hall... after that concert, I realized I wanted to spend as much of the rest of my life as possible playing folk music with these gentlemen...
Jerry Palter
Right back atcha.
Mark Shubb
...and I wanted to spend all of it as a woman. I came to a realization that I was - and am - a blonde, female folk singer trapped in the body of a bald, male folk singer and I had to LET ME OUT or I WOULD DIE.
Jerry Palter
When you put it that way, it's almost poetry.
Alan Barrows
Almost.
The Perils of Believing Everything You Read
David St. Hubbins
I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.
Jail Experience Leads to Unexpected Skills
Woody
Hey! Jail isn't so bad. It's where I learned how to surf.